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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm tired and scared of the future

111 replies

2wwmadness · 13/06/2012 20:27

Dh is under huge amounts of stress and isn't coping. He hasn't been for a while (few months)
He has told me he is not in love with me but loves me more than anything in the world. He's so stressed that he is unsure if his feelings are true or not iyswim.
I had out 1st dc 5 weeks ago.
We moved to a city where I know no one when I was 36 weeks pregnant. Dh's feelings came Compleatly out of the blue for me. I though we were happy. Dh was and is not in control of his drinking and started drinking straight from work and not coming home. He wouldn't answer his phone and just abandoned me. This happened throught the pregnancy, when the baby was first born and now.
I've been living between here and my mums throught. I've come back to our home as a make or break get help or loose us. If he's struggling with issues then I'll stay and help him, if he doesn't want me but struggling to end it I'll do it for him.
I'm tired. I have a permanent headache and I'm so lonley and sad. I havnt spoken to anyone today and I know I won't tomorrow if dh doesn't come home. He won't sleep in my bed an I don't get kisses Ect. Im so tired. This isn't making sense I'm sorry, feel fre to link my old threads so it makes more sense. I just need someone to talk to. I need strength

OP posts:
chocoraisin · 18/06/2012 12:46

I am so sorry you are going through this. All I can say is that since I have found myself in a similar situation (although I have an older DS as well) I have realised just how many women are shafted in this way by the men they thought they loved and trusted and had a future with.

You are not alone, and there is no reason to spend your life alone - dating may be far, far from your mind now, but in a year or so you will not have that jelly belly and you won't be grieving any more. You will be a proud and fabulous mummy who has come through some serious shit and been the better person!

I only wish I could make your H (and mine) take responsibility for themselves. Unfortunately we can't change anyone except ourselves. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job of putting your game face on and dealing with the crap storm, well done!! :) Thinking of you x

Midwife99 · 18/06/2012 13:23

Ah honey I know it's hard. You don't think you'll ever feel happy again but you will one day. You might even be glad you got shot of him when you did.

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 04:50

UPDATE!
Ive moved all my stuff. I found a credit card bill.
So, yesterday I was in our home and went to put a nappy in the bin. I had previously thrown out some clothes so the bin was full but not yucky. I saw a ripped up statement. So, and I don't know why, I peiced it together. In may, £1300 on going out. £1300 un the month his son was born on going out and hotels. Just under 3k since April! He'd maxed it!!! I rang my best friend (who was in Primark hypoventalating for me) then packed.

He rang me mid pack, I calmly told him I'd going the bill and was leaving. He just accepted it. Said the bill was what made him see he has a problem and he's gunna get help but the baby and I are better off away from him untill he does. I asked him to tell me straight who he is shagging. £300+ quid in a month on hotels and he slept there alone hmmm... But he swears no one and most of the time I believe him. He would say. I do have moments of panic though. I genuinely Beleive he's not well. But he just pushes everyone away, hits rock bottom them sorts himself out. He doesn't care (says he can't care as when it's happening he's lost the plot to mucj) abou anyone else when it's happening. I hope he gets the help he needs. I have a (incidentky wild,demanding and extreme sleep fighting) baby to look after. It has too much impact in ds and I. Ill not say never is never for now. The man I married is amazing. But this man now I don't want.

Practically I protected myself financially, but what's the next step.

OP posts:
2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 04:51

Thanks for caring btw. Your all fab xxx

OP posts:
Beenice · 19/06/2012 05:50

I'm so sorry. You sound so lovely and he doesn't deserve you. I hope you are ok and have managed to get some sleep. Look after yourself and your beautiful little boy.

Pickles77 · 19/06/2012 07:51

I don't know your next step but I know your being amazingly brave,

daffydowndilly · 19/06/2012 08:34

Well done for getting out. You are not responsible for his problems and his recovery. He needs to do that all on his own.

I was in your situation, except I stupidly stayed and 'supported' (read: enabled) from my first pregnancy and for 5 years, and we moved around every year or two with tiny children, far away from all my support networks. I remember being heavily pregnant and driving around the streets looking for him, as his drunk friend told me he had got off the tube and was on his way home and was legless, only to find out he had just got straight back on and to a party somewhere. I gave up my job and became dependent on him, I was effectively a single mother that never knew if he was coming home that day, walking on egg shells. And the drinking never got better, all the promises were empty. Similarly his family have mental health issues. But the denial around the alcoholism is massive. He eventually was diagnosed with depression (not uncommon for people with drink problems) and his behaviour towards me got worse. He had an excuse to not care. He got treatment for depression, but it made no difference to his drinking. There were days he went from a day session of therapy, straight to the pub. The hardest part, he was a high functioning alcoholic, he kept a good job, didn't drink every day, only beer, never at home. Very good at hiding his drinking, very manipulative and good at lying.

I am blabbering, but the effect of all of this on my own health was huge. You cannot live like that with an active alcoholic without it tearing away at your own mental health, because of the insanity of the situation. And I have since met so many children of alcoholics and the effects on them living in that situation can be devastating. And all of that in the years which are the hardest for a parent, bringing up small children. I still cannot believe I allowed myself to be isolated from all support, I did it completely on my own with no help, with stress - that is insanity.

How wonderful that you are getting support from your family. And I read the sentence where you said you were worried that your child would love your mum more, and I just thought lucky kid - that is a lot of love in his life!

I finally kicked him out this year and am starting to rebuild my life and it feels so good. Like this heavy 100 ton weight has been lifted off my head and I can see colour and smell and laugh again. Since he left I found out that he was easily spending £100 a night (several times a week) drinking. While he was telling me off like a small child for having my hair cut every 6 months for £40. Now guess what spending this kind of money does for your family income and savings....

You really are so much better off away from this situation, and don't for goodness sake go back in in a hurry. Even if he sobers up, there is the chance of relapse, cross addition, dry drunk behaviour. And you cannot love someone better. I personally found groups like al anon helpful, to try and understand what was going on for him and me, but for me knowledge and friendship is strength. And family support a relief and wonderful. Like you I worry about his relationship with the children, but at the end of the day the child's safety comes first.

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 09:55

Thank you. Daffy that struck a cord with me. I understand. That's my fears and I said to him the other night I'm scared I'll stay for the wrong reasons. I needed to get out. I'm a bit sad this morning. But I'm gunna put on my music and jeer myself up. My mum has taken the baby to the supermarket with her so I can go and he ya rest of my stuff. I asked her to buy I'm still sad not to be with him. He's my little mate. Even when I was of with him he was all I had at times. I can't keep him attatched to me though can I!
Right. Off to lift tonnes of boxes out of a first floor flat on my own! Anyone know any goo massage places?! I've had a Clarins one before that was fab!

OP posts:
daffydowndilly · 19/06/2012 10:14

For me the sadness is more about failed marriage and 'fatherless' children. But I am so excited that I have the chance for a good life and healthy relationships! And the children are out of that chaos. Good luck with the move, you are definitely doing the right thing! And enjoy your massage! :-)

Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 15:45

Yes that's how I feel. Not the loss of the twunt, the loss of the family & no one to share the kids with. Sad

Sallyingforth · 19/06/2012 17:26

Hello 2ww. I've just read your thread and I had to sniffle!
You are being so brave and strong, putting your lovely little boy first as you should. And yet you still want to help your DH if you can.
It would be wonderful if you could get him to return to the man he used to be, but in the meantime you must plan for a life with your son and your loving parents.
I admire you.

Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 18:39

Mind your back love, you are still postnatal & have soft joints & ligaments.

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 18:57

I'm not perfect, I've ranted and raved and made it worse at times. I know I can be a nightmare but no ones perfect are they.
So today, dh text me saying he will take me off the tenancy today and what furniture do I want and he will have my keys back.. Wow that was a shock. You see for me, if we start getting legal, really separating everything there is no coming back. I can't Beleive he's moving so quick. We have been texting back and for all day. He says he hates his life and we are genuinely better off without him as he's not strong enough to fix us. I'm trying to make him see I'm not better off, nor is he and nor is our son. He's just not in the right frame of mind to see it now, but when he's better he may regret this and it will be too late.
I told him by me keeping keys and some furniture Ect in the house the opportunity is still there for us to try and peice back our relationship. I just can't live in the same house as him when he's like this because it's too much for me and I get no support so it's not the best for my lad.
Dh really isn't well and it's heartbreaking to see. He is such a great guy and to hear him so unhappy makes me do sad. But if he doesn't help himself a bit what can I do. If he chooses not to get help and loose ds and I so quickly I will not hesitate in cutting him out if my life so quickly. For my sake as I will be heartbroken and because he doesn't get my help, my support and my friendship if he walks out and leaves our son and I with the life I will have. He hasn't tried and he will regret not trying when he is well. I can't let him make final choices when he's this stressed.

So after I got some more clothes Ect I took ds for his 6 week check. He's perfect my little star! And I'm joining slimming world tomorrow which I'm looking forward to! Anyone do it?

OP posts:
2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 18:59

How is everyone else tonight? What have you been doing today?

OP posts:
2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 19:03

I'm not this calm when I tell him all the time I must admit. I'm no angel. I do loose my temper and don't always say things in the best way.

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 19:16

I think we're all having a tricky day today too. Bloody men eh?! Hmm

skyebluesapphire · 19/06/2012 19:16

I've been following this but don't think I've posted yet. Hope you continue to stay strong and build a good life for you and DS.

bumbums · 19/06/2012 19:31

Hi 2wwmadness haven't read everything on this thread but I read the first and last page.

It sounds like this situation is spiralling rapidly out of control.

So am I right in thinking your dh is refusing to see a doctor for his anxiety and depression?

Its such a shame, because it could be so easily treated with the right meds. Anti-depressants and beta blockers could change him beyond recognition.

He is lashing out and pushing you away yes? He hates himself and can't see how anyone else could love or even like him? He's leaning on alcohol to try to escape his stress and depression.

Do you still love him? Do you have the strength to help him get the help he needs?
He has pushed you away, but was he testing you? Or does he hate himself so much he doesn't want to be given any love or help?

This is a tragic situation. You have my prayers.

Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 20:53

2wwmadness I'm sorry - you must be so worried. Sad

Pickles77 · 19/06/2012 20:58

You are so brave, I admire you. Be strong xx

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 21:43

Im worried more for the future. Coz I rekon if he walks away now it's gunna be worse when reality hits in a few months time. For him I mean all my worries are for him. I'll be fine. Silly things upset me, like I can't read any baby magazines (which I had a subscription!) because it's all pics of happy families. My lad won't have a photo of us all together. There arnt any. That makes me sad. Im sad for him. I had all these plans when I was pregnant. Went to Paris shopping for his nusery fabric! He hasn't got a home! Let alone a nusery. We lived out of bags for the first few weeks of his life as I was back and for from my parents to our home. Who gives a fuck though he doesn't need a nusery. It just makes me sad because he deserves one. I had the messages on my phone from dh, all our plans, all the happiness. I deleated it all it would do me in reading over them. It makes me sad that our son will never know that. But I'll raise him just as good in my own. I'll never let him down I swear.

How does this happen? How does your life change so quickly without you realising? I have such a strong family, such strong family ethics. I cannot comprehend why anyone would not want that. We planned our son for fuck sake!

Thank you to those saying in brave and strong. I'm surprised myself how I'm coping. I'm already a better person for this an it's not even begun. I'd love to behave differently but you can't can you, life goes on. I gotta be there for my baby. He's so wanted and I never want him to feel he's not. Coz I feel unwanted and un loved and I never want him to feel that.
I've seen friends go through worse. Domestic violence Ect. They have beautiful children and happy lives and they survived it. I'm not as strong as some.

OP posts:
bumbums · 19/06/2012 21:53

OP ask your GP to refer you for counselling. You'll need it.

Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 21:59

You are doing amazingly well. It's not your fault & you couldn't have seen this coming. You will be in a happy place again one day with/without DH. Counselling sounds a great idea to support you at the moment. You & DS are the priority not him.

2wwmadness · 19/06/2012 22:39

Id love councelling. I need to become a better person from this. I can't be messed up and I could be if I don't get help. I have my 6 week check friday. I'll ask then. I'm so embarrassed to tell officials. I've lied to them all. Midwives, health visitors.

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 19/06/2012 22:45

Don't lie - tell them the truth - guess what it happens to us too! They can offer help & you need it with a little baby right now. HV & family support workers at local children's centre can help organise free counselling & other support with baby.

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