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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sensitive but would appreciate some help......

116 replies

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:36

I know its frowned upon to change ones name but after reading this i hope you can understand why. I'm not really sure what advice i need, tbh any i just need to tell someone what happened. I have been with dp for almost a year, have known each other for seven, and as far as i was concerned very happy with our relationship. Until last night. We went to bed as usual and started the usual (iykwim) when halfway through i really needed to go to the toilet. I was getting very uncomfortable quite quickly so asked him to stop for me to go (hardly romantic i know) and he didn't. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but he just held me tighter whilst carrying on what he was doing. I started to get angry at him and told him to let me go. He didn't. Finally after about five minutes (when he 'finished') he got off me. Turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom in complete shock i have no idea why it happened, he just isn't like that normaly and i don't know how i feel. I spent five unhappy years in a relationship with a man who beat me and brutally raped me time after time I always said i would never go through that again. But then i think possibly i was overreacting to the situation last night? I havent spoken to him since as i dont really know what to say to him, am very hurt, confused and angry. I dont want to start accusing him of rape, but i said "no!" surely that constitutes as rape? Or am i wrong? please someone tell me that i am not going crazy

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/02/2006 11:39

What you describe is rape.

There's a helpline, I think you need to speak to someone else before you dsicuss with your DP. Will ry to find the number.

Feistybird · 23/02/2006 11:41

National Helpline Numbers

Women?s Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline 0345 023 468 Nationwide,

10am?5pm Mon?Fri, also weekends from July 1999. Advice and telephone support provided by highly trained staff and volunteers backed up by a wide range of leaflets and other resources

Please for your own sake call them now.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:42

but i don't understand he is usually really loving and kind and is the calmest of people i know. This is a man i have trusted with my children. Also a man i let into my life after all the cr*p i suffered with xp it just doesn't make sense

OP posts:
WigWamBam · 23/02/2006 11:43

You will also find support at Rape Crisis . What you describe is definitely rape.

Feistybird · 23/02/2006 11:44

TBH, even if he'd finished then apologised profusely about not stopping, I'd feel violated, but to display such complete disregard, just smacks of a cold, nasty uncaring and controlling man who has no respect for you whatsoever.

I'm so sorry.

doormat · 23/02/2006 11:44

get in touch and speak to them hac
hugs
xxx

unicorn · 23/02/2006 11:45

How awful for you.

I don't know what to add really of any help.

I would be bl**dy furious if anyone did that to me,I can't really think of any suitable excuse.

Had he been drinking or doing anything different?

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 11:46

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LadySherlockofLGJ · 23/02/2006 11:47

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hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:48

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Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:49

i can't believe i'm here all over again i really thought i had found the right person. Like i said i have known this man for seven years and he really is one of those people who would do anything for anyone. He hasn't mentioned anything today and this morning didn't even say goodbye when he left for work. I feel like im in the wrong and i don't know why we have bought a house together and are planning to move in on the weekend, i have no idea what i am supposed to do

OP posts:
Blu · 23/02/2006 11:50

hurtandconfused - it's perfectly ok to change your name for things that make you feel sensitive.
I am not surprised you are so upset and frightened, it sounds very shocking and horrible.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:50

i can't believe i'm here all over again i really thought i had found the right person. Like i said i have known this man for seven years and he really is one of those people who would do anything for anyone. He hasn't mentioned anything today and this morning didn't even say goodbye when he left for work. I feel like im in the wrong and i don't know why we have bought a house together and are planning to move in on the weekend, i have no idea what i am supposed to do

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/02/2006 11:51

How awful for you. Please ring the numbers you have been given. Any breach of trust is distressing, and being raped is the most extreme breach.

You said no. Whether or not you had already started makes no difference. There is no "too late to opt out" rule. Im so sorry for you.

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 11:53

You really need to tell him how upset you are about it - he is obviously p'ed off that you needed to interrupt the proceedings - but his reaction was unkind and as others have said technically rape. If he is such a nice man he probably feels terrible about it - as well he should - he's got to know how much he has hurt you though - you will have to have a talk !

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:53

sorry for mulitple posts there
He doesnt drink so he couldn't blame the drink. I asked him over and over to let me go as i was desperate. He said at one point (and this is very ) just go here i will change the sheets i know to a lot of people that would sound funny, and i myself would have had a little chuckle if i wasn't so scared and hurt makes me think has he some sort of fetish?????? But even so he still held me there and i can't understand why i have no one to talk to

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/02/2006 11:56

HAC - please will you ring one of these help numbers, they may help you get your thoughts in order.

doormat · 23/02/2006 11:57

hac thats not funny at all
loads of good advice on here
speak to someone please
you deserve to be treated better than this
xxx

NotQuiteCockney · 23/02/2006 11:57

I would be really really really . It might well be that he has a fetish, but if so, he should talk to you about it properly, rather than mistreating you like that!

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:59

I don't know where to start i really want to say what the f* happened last night? but i honestly believe he thinks he has done nothing wrong, if he did would he not be begging my forgiveness??

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 23/02/2006 12:02

Poor you, agree with everyone else, this is completely unacceptable.

unicorn · 23/02/2006 12:03

If he thinks he has done nothing wrong then he really does have a problem, and needs help himself.

If you can't ask him directly why don't you write it down and give it to him?

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:06

this is so stupid but i feel really embarrassed by the whole weeing situation I don't want to have a "well now i know your fantasy......" conversation with him. I want to ask him why he didn't stop? I have been here before only xp was very brutal with it. where i would be marked physically, thats why, in some stupid way i don't want to start shouting rape although i know if i was reading this as someones post i would be saying leave him you idiot, it'll get worse!!!

OP posts:
expectingsummerihope · 23/02/2006 12:08

So sorry you were treated like this. Please talk to him asap and tell him how you feel. Don't let him turn it round so that you feel you are in the wrong. If he knows what you've been through in the past he should be doubly mortified, but whatever way you look at it this is rape.

lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:10

hurtandconfused, I think you really need to put your embarrassment to one side and sit him down and ask him exactly what he was doing and why he didn't stop. You know how much is at stake here, don't just leave it, otherwise you'll just be worrying about "the next time". And that's no basis for a relationship.

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