Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Very sensitive but would appreciate some help......

116 replies

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:36

I know its frowned upon to change ones name but after reading this i hope you can understand why. I'm not really sure what advice i need, tbh any i just need to tell someone what happened. I have been with dp for almost a year, have known each other for seven, and as far as i was concerned very happy with our relationship. Until last night. We went to bed as usual and started the usual (iykwim) when halfway through i really needed to go to the toilet. I was getting very uncomfortable quite quickly so asked him to stop for me to go (hardly romantic i know) and he didn't. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but he just held me tighter whilst carrying on what he was doing. I started to get angry at him and told him to let me go. He didn't. Finally after about five minutes (when he 'finished') he got off me. Turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom in complete shock i have no idea why it happened, he just isn't like that normaly and i don't know how i feel. I spent five unhappy years in a relationship with a man who beat me and brutally raped me time after time I always said i would never go through that again. But then i think possibly i was overreacting to the situation last night? I havent spoken to him since as i dont really know what to say to him, am very hurt, confused and angry. I dont want to start accusing him of rape, but i said "no!" surely that constitutes as rape? Or am i wrong? please someone tell me that i am not going crazy

OP posts:
alexsmum · 23/02/2006 12:11

if he thought he hadn't done anything wrong he wouldn't have turned away so coldly and would have acted normally this morning surely?
he knows he's wrong.you have to tackle him.

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:11

The thing is - men can be a bit thick ! Also - once they are "at it" they don't want to and find it very hard to stop. So - he didn't want to ! He probably didn't see this as a problem - and him saying you should wee there may be nothing to do with a fetish - just him saying that he didn't want to stop and you needing to wee didn't, in his view, present a major problem.

The issue here is that he was unkind and has upset you hugely !

He is is a man - he probably doesn't even realise !

You will have to spell it out to him in words of one syllable - that you are upset and he has dented your trust, and he can never ever behave like that again or you will leave him !

Remember - they are not very bright !

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:13

i have known him for seven years and on the worst occasion with xp, where he battered me and raped me so bad i had to go to hospital he was there for me when i came home he knows how bad how my life was. I SH because of it and he knows this.Which makes this even more unbelievable

OP posts:
lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:14

sweetheart, you have to talk to him about it. You have to.

Feistybird · 23/02/2006 12:15

Scatterbrain, stop giving him excuses. You are truly belittling this incident.

'he's a man'
'they're not very bright'

Crap. Not only patronising but an insult to the vast majority of men who wouldn't dream of behaving like this.

Your post really offends me.

WigWamBam · 23/02/2006 12:18

You need to ask him what the hell he thought he was doing, and why he thought it acceptable to pin you down when you had told him "no" - the reason for you saying "no" is immaterial, the fact you said it should have been enough. If you don't tell him that this is unacceptable, disrespectful behaviour then no-one else will. Don't excuse his behaviour because "he's a man, that's what men do"; there is no excuse EVER for a man continuing when their partner has said no. For whatever reason.

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:21

Feistybird - bog off ! Am as entitled as you to advise ! Just because I am not total drama queen shouting RAPE you don't like it !

Up to HAC who she chooses to listen to ! If she listened to you she should be reporting him to police now - doesn't seem that is what she wants to do though.

HAC - hope you didn't think what I said was patronising - just think you shouldn't immediately start accusing him of rape - some men are insensitive, some men wouldn't see a problem treating you this way - you definitely need to talk it through.

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:21

Feistybird - bog off ! Am as entitled as you to advise ! Just because I am not total drama queen shouting RAPE you don't like it !

Up to HAC who she chooses to listen to ! If she listened to you she should be reporting him to police now - doesn't seem that is what she wants to do though.

HAC - hope you didn't think what I said was patronising - just think you shouldn't immediately start accusing him of rape - some men are insensitive, some men wouldn't see a problem treating you this way - you definitely need to talk it through.

ggglimpopo · 23/02/2006 12:21

Message withdrawn

wannaBe1974 · 23/02/2006 12:22

HAC I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Firstly, there is never, not ever, an excuce for a man to continue when you have blatantly asked him to stop. Part of being in a relationship means that you have mutual love and respect for one another, and part of making love means that you can show that love and respect, mutually. If one party is not willing, then it is not love-making but non-consentual intercourse. The term rape sounds like a very harsh one, but if this man was not a long-term partner but a person you had brought home for the first time and you had got to a point and then asked him to stop and he didn't, how would you view the situation then? Would you not know in your heart of hearts that he had raped you?

There may be two reasons for his silence this morning. He may either be totally ashamed, not know what happened to him, and not know how to face you, after all, if he knows what you went through with your previous partner, then he also knows that he has now stooped down to the level of that previous partner, and he may not know how to admit to that. Or, and I know this may be hard to think, but it may be that he has had these types of relationships before and this is where he's crossed the line between loving partner and controlling partner. What do you know about his previous relationships? How long did they last? How and why did they end? You say that you have bought a house and are moving in at the weekend, have you exchanged contracts yet? This just seems like a big coincidence to me between this control and the commitment that you have made to your relationship by moving into your own house together.

One of you is going to have to break the ice and confront the situation, and chances are that it's not going to be him. You are going to have to have a long talk, ask him outright what happened last night, make it very clear that you have been in a controlling relationship before, as he well knows, and that you are better than that, tell him that being together intimately is a mutual thing, and that when you say no, you mean no, and if he can't respect that, then I would tell him very bluntly that your relationship has no future. You should not stay with a man who is prepared to violate you in this manner. You should have this talk as soon as possible, as it is inevitable that you will get to a point of intimacy again in the future, and if this issue has not been resolved by then, you will go into the situation in fear that something similar will happen again.

Be strong, stand up for what you are worth, and make it very clear that you deserve the best.

good luck x

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:22

Feistybird - bog off ! Am as entitled as you to advise ! Just because I am not total drama queen shouting RAPE you don't like it !

Up to HAC who she chooses to listen to !

HAC - hope you didn't think what I said was patronising - just think you shouldn't immediately start accusing him of rape - some men are insensitive, some men wouldn't see a problem treating you this way - you definitely need to talk it through.

drinksonme · 23/02/2006 12:22

That is so awful to hear - I really feel for you. If it definitely wasn't drink and out of character it all seems very strange. Have you any family you can go to while you have a serious think about your future with this man. I am sorry but if he hasn't apologised or doesn't feel any wrong in what he has done what is to say he won't do it again. Please take care.

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:22

scatterbrain - thats what i thought maybe he was just too far gone to stop and me 'going' didn't bother him. But then i thought back to xp and all the times i made up excuses for him when in reality he was just a manipulative rapist and a bully

OP posts:
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:22

scatterbrain - thats what i thought maybe he was just too far gone to stop and me 'going' didn't bother him. But then i thought back to xp and all the times i made up excuses for him when in reality he was just a manipulative rapist and a bully

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/02/2006 12:23

very eloquent SB..

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:26

HAC - It is inexcusable definitely - especially as he knows your history - but maybe he just did the wrong thing, made the wrong decision etc - we've all done stuff on the spur of the moment or in the heat of the moment to regret it later - I guess it just depends if he does regret it after you have spelled it out to him ! Good Luck xxx

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:30

Wannabe - i hate to say it but i had the very same thought, how much of a coincedence that as soon as we have bought a house then he changes i hope to god im wrong contracts were exchanged yesterday so i can't back out, i don't get on well enough with anyone in my family to go and stay with them. He does but am afraid that he will refuse to go as he is the breadwinner therefore i couldnt afford to pay mortgage He hasn't had many realtionships as he is very shy, has only slept with three others and all long term (up to a year) relationships. Only one gf accused him of domestic violence but she is well known for her exagerration of the truth iykwim. The only thing kow is tah even i am starting to doubt him

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 23/02/2006 12:32

exchanged yesterday and the incident happened yesterday? It's hard not to jump to conclusions here, especially given the fact that he just finished, turned over and went to sleep. Is he normally the type who goes to sleep straight after? You don't have to answer of course but just try to establish if everything last night was out of the ordinary?

lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:33

I think wannabe's post is very good, hurtandconfused.

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:38

wannabe - normally what happens is when we finish i go to the toilet to clean up so to speak and then when i go back to bed he puts him arm under my head and the other wrapped around me (sounds really soppy but i promise its true). This is the "norm" unless for example we have an arguement where he will turn his back on me or i will to him, but by the morning one of us has given in and start cuddling again. Last night he didn't come near me, and usually b4 he goes to work he comes in, kisses me and tells me he loves me, today nothing. Then when he gets to work he texts me "good morning i love you" this morning he text "good morning" and that was it can men really change that fast?

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 23/02/2006 12:39

HAC, whether or not this is technically rape - I don't know. What I do know is it is horrible for you and that his behaviour is way out of line. I felt sick reading what he did & that he then suggested you should wet yourself, just so that he wouldn't be interrupted.
Everything is reversible - please do not feel you have to move in with this man, just because the contracts have been signed.
I hate to say it, but the accusation of domestic violence by a previous partner is not an encouraging sign. Do you still feel so sure that the other woman was exagerrating now, after your experience last night?
Go with your instinct on this, if you feel at all frightened by what happened you've got to step back now before something worse happens.

lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:39

It sounds to me as if he is very very embarrassed about the whole thing and does realise that he is in the wrong but doesn't know how to talk to you about it.

scatterbrain · 23/02/2006 12:42

He knows he has done wrong ! The fact that he texted you at all is positive I think. He doesn't know what to do now ! Is he the type to apologise ? (my dh has NEVER in 18 yrs) Mine would just not mention it and hope it went away !
(hence my earlier apparently offensive comments about men being insensitive and thick)

You have got to have this out - he has to understand how this made you feel - then take it from there ! You can get over this if you want to - but he can never do this again and he has to sign up to that !

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:47

I have always believed that his xp was wrong but im not so sure anymore i wont go into details as i dont want to bore anyone, but basically she told people he tried to make her have a termination, she refused. In april last year i fell pregnant unexpectedly and he basically told me if i kept the baby he would leave, i already had 2 children under the age of three one with learning difficulties and no family was willing to help am very ashamed to say i went throught with it i have never forgivven myself or him but have learnt to live with my desicion. He doesnt talk about what i did, even though it eats me up he just isn't comfortable as soon as the conversation come up he changes the subject
God i am so sorry to waffle on i just have no idea what to do

OP posts:
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:48

I have always believed that his xp was wrong but im not so sure anymore i wont go into details as i dont want to bore anyone, but basically she told people he tried to make her have a termination, she refused. In april last year i fell pregnant unexpectedly and he basically told me if i kept the baby he would leave, i already had 2 children under the age of three one with learning difficulties and no family was willing to help am very ashamed to say i went throught with it i have never forgivven myself or him but have learnt to live with my desicion. He doesnt talk about what i did, even though it eats me up he just isn't comfortable as soon as the conversation come up he changes the subject
God i am so sorry to waffle on i just have no idea what to do

OP posts: