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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sensitive but would appreciate some help......

116 replies

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:36

I know its frowned upon to change ones name but after reading this i hope you can understand why. I'm not really sure what advice i need, tbh any i just need to tell someone what happened. I have been with dp for almost a year, have known each other for seven, and as far as i was concerned very happy with our relationship. Until last night. We went to bed as usual and started the usual (iykwim) when halfway through i really needed to go to the toilet. I was getting very uncomfortable quite quickly so asked him to stop for me to go (hardly romantic i know) and he didn't. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but he just held me tighter whilst carrying on what he was doing. I started to get angry at him and told him to let me go. He didn't. Finally after about five minutes (when he 'finished') he got off me. Turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom in complete shock i have no idea why it happened, he just isn't like that normaly and i don't know how i feel. I spent five unhappy years in a relationship with a man who beat me and brutally raped me time after time I always said i would never go through that again. But then i think possibly i was overreacting to the situation last night? I havent spoken to him since as i dont really know what to say to him, am very hurt, confused and angry. I dont want to start accusing him of rape, but i said "no!" surely that constitutes as rape? Or am i wrong? please someone tell me that i am not going crazy

OP posts:
Hev1 · 28/02/2006 12:35

Take a look at the british victims of abortion website \link{http://www.bvafoundation.org\this} it mat help you with your issues. There is a helpline to enable you to talk to professionals if you don't sort this out now it will just eat away at you if you are unable to talk to your, hopefully now ex-partner!!

Please let us know how you are getting on. Hope you are ok.

ladyjess · 28/02/2006 20:55

anyone heard from HAC?
you there?

just read the entire thread - you poor thing. hope all going ok.
x

Beetroot · 01/03/2006 10:30

yes i am a bit worried now...

spanielglasses · 02/03/2006 23:17

I am quite concerned now, I have just briefly run this topic past my DP (been together 1 year) and he doesnt think its the mans fault either Angry and said its not rape... Im starting to wonder about him

Radley · 05/03/2006 16:23

After running this past dh he says that no matter what the reason, if a woman says no then she means no and he should have let her go.

Jackstini · 05/03/2006 16:41

Spanielglasses - I would be concerned too. What part of 'she said NO' does he not understand? What would he have done if you two were in the same situation?

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 08/03/2006 09:10

First of all i want to apologise for causong anyone to worry. The move went as planned, i moved in alone and it stayed that way until sunday. My xp has the children, so it was a perfect opportunity to talk. I let him have it - told him how much he had hurt me in the last year, not allowing me to tell my real feelings and having to bottle things up Sad i then told him how i felt he had completley shattered any trust and respect i had for him. I was a big old blubbery mess tbh but i think i made my point. He told me he was so ashamed of what had happened in bed that night but still no mention of the ab Sad evrytime i tried to tell him my fellings about it he wouldn't meet my eye Sad i have given up on trying to talk about it with him, but don't want to throw away my realtionship with him. So in conclusion im still hurt and im still confused, but its my own fault because i don't want to leave Sad

OP posts:
pookey · 08/03/2006 20:15

HAC I just wanted to suggest that if you agree to stay together it should be on the condition that you have some kind of relationship counselling? If you do not stay together then it might be worth considering therapy for yourself so that you can work through these relationships before starting a new one. Wishing you lots of happiness in the future.

Bugsy2 · 08/03/2006 20:52

HAC, go and have some counselling yourself - it can be such a confidence building thing to do.
Are you frightened of being without a partner? It has taken me a long time to realise this, but I now know for sure that I would rather be on my own than with someone who isn't supportive and understanding towards me.
So sorry that you are still so confused & sad.

Hev1 · 09/03/2006 13:13

HAC so glad that you are ok but still no further on than last week. Please take a look at the website I suggested on an earlier post I am sure that it will be of benefit to you if not your partner.

Please do not take any more sh*t off this man - think of yourself and your kids. If you feel it is what you want to give him another chance just make sure he knows it.

I hope things improve for you in the future, you deserve a break.

Good luck and take care.

Dior · 09/03/2006 16:44

HAC - this is horrible. OK, I could possibly live with the idea that he was too far gone to listen to you (maybe, just maybe, with a huge pinch of salt...giving him total benefit of the doubt, as I don't know either of you), but all his other actions are not making me think he is nice either. I would even alomst understand your 'I don't want to leave the relationship' thinking if he hadn't made you get rid of your baby earlier last year.

To me, it seems like you don't have a relationship. He makes you feel bad about things, and, because of your past abusive relationship, you think he is right. He seems to be textbook abuser. He waited until it was too late to back out of the house before he turned on you.

You deserve respect. No man is ever really too far gone during sex to not be able to stop. You might get a bit of a sulking session, but a decent man would never really continue sex when you had made it clear you wanted to stop. Please get rofessional advice. I'm not urging you to leave him, because I'm sure that it is not a black and white situation. However, from what you have posted, you are in a dangerous situation. You and your children deserve a happy and loving home.

Isyhan · 09/03/2006 17:37

hurtandconfused. Ive read this and I feel really sorry for you. Id like to say oh maybe it was this or that etc but I do feel like alot of people on here that he violated you. When you are with a man who is truly making love that would never happen. Im sorry. I think you will be too if you make excuses for him.

Alsochangingmyname · 10/03/2006 12:28

This also happened to me about 3 weeks after the birth of my baby. DH came in from a night out with friends, he'd been drinking and wouldn't take no for an answer. I still had stitches from the birth and was in a lot of pain and kept trying to stop him the whole time, telling him I wasn't ready etc, but stupidly, was afraid I'd hurt HIS feelings! He was feeling neglected since my attention was focused in the new baby now and part of me felt like I should give him what he wanted. But he hurt me really badly, emotionally and physically.
I've never told anyone that before and now I'm crying.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 10/03/2006 13:24

Also Sad i know how y0u feel i really do. My xp was a b**tard he raped me on a daily basis and i am ashamed to say towards the end i jusrt gave uop fighting him it wasn't worth it because i would just get beaten for my troubles Sad I was abused three days after having my 2nd ds. Forunately i had no stiches or tears as i had my 2 boys in quick succession, but nevertheless still incredibly painful Sad And yes i blamed myself and thought he must be feeling so left out especially as i had been off sex since the birth of my first son. This is a huge reason why i struggle to understand why my current p did what he did as he knows all about my past and what xp did to me Sad

OP posts:
Isyhan · 10/03/2006 19:37

I asked my dh last night what he felt this represented and he said rape.

expectingsummerihope · 10/03/2006 19:42

There are some men who look for women who are vulnerable so that they can look after them and there are some who profess to want to look after them but really want to control them. I think your partner falls into the latter category. Reason? The abortion and the rape (forced sex - whatever you want to call it). Two too many violations.

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