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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sensitive but would appreciate some help......

116 replies

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:36

I know its frowned upon to change ones name but after reading this i hope you can understand why. I'm not really sure what advice i need, tbh any i just need to tell someone what happened. I have been with dp for almost a year, have known each other for seven, and as far as i was concerned very happy with our relationship. Until last night. We went to bed as usual and started the usual (iykwim) when halfway through i really needed to go to the toilet. I was getting very uncomfortable quite quickly so asked him to stop for me to go (hardly romantic i know) and he didn't. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but he just held me tighter whilst carrying on what he was doing. I started to get angry at him and told him to let me go. He didn't. Finally after about five minutes (when he 'finished') he got off me. Turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom in complete shock i have no idea why it happened, he just isn't like that normaly and i don't know how i feel. I spent five unhappy years in a relationship with a man who beat me and brutally raped me time after time I always said i would never go through that again. But then i think possibly i was overreacting to the situation last night? I havent spoken to him since as i dont really know what to say to him, am very hurt, confused and angry. I dont want to start accusing him of rape, but i said "no!" surely that constitutes as rape? Or am i wrong? please someone tell me that i am not going crazy

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/02/2006 12:50

HAc, sorry to be butal, but just what is there about him to like?

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:51

SB yes he is usually the type to apologise if he is in the wrong, he would text me and say i'm sorry for ............. but this time nothing i have tried to text him and said what you did last night was wrong. Do you understand what you done? and he has yet to answer and i know for a fact that he has his phone switched on and on his desk

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 23/02/2006 12:52

HAC, from what you have said so far, this man sounds quite controlling. He doesn't want you to have the baby, he won't let you go to the toilet. Are there other things he does that makes you feel like he wants to be the boss all of the time?
Remember this man knows you are probably a little more vulnerable than some other women because of what happened to you before. If he is a controlling person, he could well be using this to his advantage.
Could you make an emergency appointment to talk to a health visitor or GP about what happened last night?

lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:53

oh honey, that does put rather a different complexion on it, doesn't it?

Please don't go ahead with moving in with him, at least not straight away.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:54

FB i understand your question. Before last night this is what i would have said
He is kind and coonsiderate, he would do anything for me if it was possible, he buys me little presents just to say i love you, he leaves messages for me to find, he treated me well, he respected me and my children, he took on two children and loves them like his own. But right now i don't know what to think of him

OP posts:
Feistybird · 23/02/2006 12:57

HAc, will leave this thread now - I really hope you get the help you need.

I also really hope that you realise that this man sounds utterly controlling.

And lastly, I hope you find a better life for yourself.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:57

But this is what i struggle with most i would never have called him controlling. My xp controlled everything down to the underwear i wore in that respect it doesnt sound that bad. He doesn't tell me what to wear, he would never stop me going anywhere, he has no problems with trust ie i have male friends that he has no worries if i had a night out with one of them. Can you see as to why im confused?

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 12:58

feistybird thanks for all your advice and help it was much appreciated

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lizardqueen · 23/02/2006 12:59

hac, I think that many men don't start off from day one as very controlling - it just gradually comes out - when you're no longer in a position to walk away.

hunkermunker · 23/02/2006 13:02

HAC, please stop comparing him to your XP. There are lots of ways to be abusive.

You found the strength to leave one abusive partner. I know you have the strength to sort out this situation. That may be counselling, it may be leaving - but you need to do something.

wannaBe1974 · 23/02/2006 13:02

HAC, he was there for you when you were at your most vulnerable, he took on your children, he respected you, he helped you pick up the pieces of your life when it was torn apart by a violent abusive partner. These are all admirable qualities, however, he threatened to leave you when you became pregnant by him, an ultimatum which made you have a termination, thus giving him control of you. Last night he refused to stop during intercourse, even though you asked him to, thus maintaining control of you. He has gone off to work and hasn't said anything, most likely knowing that you will be the one who says something, he still has control of the situation, because, although you have texted him, he still hasn't replied, he will do so when he is ready, who's in control?

Have there been any other instances where you have doubted him or felt uncomfortable with him? Even little things?

Beetroot · 23/02/2006 13:09

Were you worryijng about buying the house a few weeks ago ?
Just becasue he is not as controlling as your x, does notm ean that he is not controlling.

i am so sorry for what happened.

Btw, i have never known a man not be able to STOP when asked (and I have known a few men)!!!

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 13:10

Hunker your right i shoudn't compare him to my xp and i would never tell him to his face that i think that after last night he shares some of his qualities, i was just trying to point out that i went through all of this before and it started out just like this, but this time, i won't let it get that far i refuse to put myself and my boys through it again.
wannabe he has never raised a hand to me, but one time sticks in my mind. I got really drunk a few months ago and all the anger and hurt started to pour out, and i cried and screamed and just collapsed with pure grief ( i think i had been bottling it all up for so long i just exploded) he came over and tried to hug me but i didn't want him near me so i tried to push him off, and he held me so tight i couldnt breathe the next day i asked him what the hell he was playing at, and he said he just wanted to hug me????????

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Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 13:14

beetroot - no we never had any worries about the house it has all been fairly srtaightforward, we have sailed through it all quite easily, so there has been no stress, we are all just waiting to move in. or we were

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 23/02/2006 13:15

HAC, you do not owe this man anything for being there for you when you left XP, just in case you're thinking that.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 13:22

Hunker i think i might have confused things little......
When i mentioned in an earlier post he was there after a severe beating from xp it was as a friend as stupidly i got back together with said xp much to (will call current partner S) s's and my family's horror. I then went on to have two children with xp and endured another three years of every form of abuse before i finaly got the strength the leave him. This was in November 2004. I didnt start seeing S until Feb 2005 when after a few weeks of seeing each other just as friends we decided to start a relationship. I hope that clears it up a little

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 13:25

have just received a reply,"Is there anything i can say that would change your mind about not wanting to live with me?" i might be being really stupid btu i dont get what he is saying

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toomuchinfo · 23/02/2006 13:26

I have coyly changed my name here as I normally do not talk about my sex life. But I wanted to say that last night me and my dh were just starting to get going - just like you - and I needed to wee. I told him to hang on and he asked where I was going. I replied that I had to wee before we shagged....I went to the loo and came back and we carried on. That is normal. If he had not let me go, I would have been very upset, just as you are.

I have also been in a controlling and very destructive relationship which ended very badly when hge brutally raped me and was ultimately charged and sentenced for the rape.

If dh last night had carried on, I would have felt jsut as helpless and sick about it as I did after the 'real' (as in violent) rape. I think I would not be able to live with myself, or swith him, if I just let things drift on as normal.

If you don't do something (talk to a helpline then then either talk to or write to him) this will just keep eating away at you and your confidence and your relationship and will destroy you.

toomuchinfo · 23/02/2006 13:29

Shit - Do you think that he is trying to get you to split up with him - to give you a reason to leave him? Why?

polkadot · 23/02/2006 13:32

H&C, I agree with wannabee and Bugsy2 - they are spot on. He is not behaving towards you in the respectful way that a loving partner should. I think that you are quite vulnerable because of your experiences with exp and are finding it difficult to be objective. You may find it helpful to talk to someone eg you health visitor or someone from one of the other helplines.

FWIW, many years ago I was in a relationship with a very controlling man, I just couldn't see it because I thought that all men behaved in this way with their partners. In my case my partner's behaviour changed when we got engaged and he thought he was home and dry - that was when I saw his true colours. When I look back I cannot believe I let someone behave towards me the way that he did.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 13:32

I don't know what he is saying maybe he is just looking for a way out but why not just say? We know each other well enough, and if that was the case why did he go ahead with the sale of the house? He had up until yesterday afternoon to change his mind. Surely he wouldnt have just decided at ten o clock last night?

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wannaBe1974 · 23/02/2006 13:42

HAC actually that text to me sounds as if he has taken it that you have said you don't want to live with him. if I were you I'd text him back and say "I never said I didn't want to live with you, I merely asked for an explanation as to what happened last night".

LucyJu · 23/02/2006 13:55

Poor you! What an awful thing to have happened.
Lots of good advice here. I just wanted to add that I don't think you should be trying to discuss such an emotive and upsetting subject by text. I think that short messages, with no tone of voice, facial expressions or body language to accompany them can be easily misinterpreted and might even make this rotten situation worse.
You need to talk, properly and as openly as you can manage. And listen to your own heart, and what it is telling you. Is it a terrible, awful mistake that he has made, which he feels deep shame and regret about? Or is it something which, with hindsight, you might have seen coming? (Sorry. I hope this doesn't sound as if I'm saying you are in any way to blame. You aren't.)
I wish you luck and strength, whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 14:00

wannabe i have replied to him, said that he was putting words in my mouth, i didn't say or imply that i didn't want to live with him. Again he is trying to turn the blame to me i then said that no matter what he comes up with there was no excuse for what he did last night am just so that something taht has hurt me and made me question myself has somehow made me feel bad fro him

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melissasmummy · 23/02/2006 14:01

To me his meassage is saying he has realised he has done wrong & is trying (all be it cock handedly) to apologise. (am not excusing what he has done)

He now thinks you are not going to want to loive with him, and wants to know what he can say to change your mind.

I might be wrong, but thats just how I read the message.

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