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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very sensitive but would appreciate some help......

116 replies

hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 11:36

I know its frowned upon to change ones name but after reading this i hope you can understand why. I'm not really sure what advice i need, tbh any i just need to tell someone what happened. I have been with dp for almost a year, have known each other for seven, and as far as i was concerned very happy with our relationship. Until last night. We went to bed as usual and started the usual (iykwim) when halfway through i really needed to go to the toilet. I was getting very uncomfortable quite quickly so asked him to stop for me to go (hardly romantic i know) and he didn't. I tried to wriggle out from underneath him, but he just held me tighter whilst carrying on what he was doing. I started to get angry at him and told him to let me go. He didn't. Finally after about five minutes (when he 'finished') he got off me. Turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went into the bathroom in complete shock i have no idea why it happened, he just isn't like that normaly and i don't know how i feel. I spent five unhappy years in a relationship with a man who beat me and brutally raped me time after time I always said i would never go through that again. But then i think possibly i was overreacting to the situation last night? I havent spoken to him since as i dont really know what to say to him, am very hurt, confused and angry. I dont want to start accusing him of rape, but i said "no!" surely that constitutes as rape? Or am i wrong? please someone tell me that i am not going crazy

OP posts:
melissasmummy · 23/02/2006 14:05

Agree with Lucyju, You cannot & must not conduct this via text messages or over the phone.

Alot can get misconstrude this way.

PLease tell him that you don't think it's a good idea to continue, as he is at work etc & that you will both sit down tonight to discuss it.

bumpinsheffield · 23/02/2006 14:27

HAC, so sorry you're in this position. Agree that you can't do this by text, nuch too confusing for both of you. You need, however, to demonstrate to him just how much this has affected you and I think leaving this till he would normally come home doesn't do that, its a bit too routine, if you get what I mean. Can you ask him to leave work early and meet somewhere outside the home? Somewhere you can talk in privacy but things cant get out of hand. Not suggesting anything but me and my ex used to have fantastic rows where we'd get far to over-emotional and both say things we regretted. We found that ta;lking in public stopped this and led to us being able to talk about this calmly and sensibly. Would this be possible??

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 15:39

It would not be possible to talk outside the house at the moment as i have no one to have the boys for me i have spoken to him briefly and said that i am not having this conversation by text message, to which he then told me how much he loved me and that we should "leave it there and move on" so basically is trying to forget it ever happened when i really can't am i being over sensitive to this? Do i not have the right to be angry and upset over this?

OP posts:
jowen · 23/02/2006 15:50

Don't let him wash over this. It would be so easy to do, I know, to just let it go and pretend it didn't happen, and let everything go back to normal, but I really think you need to not do that.

You are angry, you have a right to be angry. Personally I would not let him back in the house for at least two days. I think this would give you time to sort out in your head what you want.

melissasmummy · 23/02/2006 15:55

He may want to "leave it there & move on" as he is completely ashamed by what he did to you and can't bare the thought of it, or just wants to control the situation, by having it forgotten.

I have no experience in this field, but if you are angry & upset (and yes, you do have the right to be) he needs to know why, aknowledge that & help you thru it. Brushing it under the carpet may help him, but given your history, it will just serve to hurt you more. You have to make him understand this. You owe it to yourself

drinksonme · 23/02/2006 16:40

I really don't think you should brush this under the carpet and pretend it never happened! The point is he really needs to explain why he did as it was totally unaceptable. It's a shame you don't have anyone to have your boys as you really need time to discuss it without them being around. Please don't let him brush it under the carpet as an easy option. Be brave and confront it and go with your gut instincts and what your heart is telling you. You have already been through the mill by a past relationship and you should not let yourself go through anything like that again. Be strong!

Bugsy2 · 23/02/2006 16:52

Do not allowed this to be airbrushed away, with "I love yous". You must tell your partner how strongly you feel about his behaviour. It is not weak or "hysterical" to feel very upset by what happened last night.
Men (and women too I suppose) are always happy to "leave it there & move on" when they don't want to talk about something. Sounds really great doesn't it. Very positive and forward looking - but actually it is cowardly & selfish. He is saying: "I don't want to talk about how you feel, I don't want to acknowledge what I did was wrong, I want to shut you up on this particular subject."
I would tell him that until the subject is discussed to your satisfaction, there will be no more sex - that is presuming you want to have sex with him again.

Greensleeves · 23/02/2006 17:23

You have every right to be hurt and upset by what he has done. Any woman would be - he raped you. Please don't let him convince you that your feelings are unreasonable or that what he did was acceptable or a minor mistake. It really wasn't, it was a terrible thing to do and very worrying. Loving, caring, normal men DO NOT behave like this! Stay in touch with Mumsnet, keep posting while you are going through this - the advice and support here will be a much-needed counter-weight to the bullsh*t you are going to hear from him.

So sorry this has happened to you

Loobie · 23/02/2006 18:42

HAC firstly so sorry to hear what you have gone through,you have received loads of good advice on here already a lot of which i agree with.I would say no way do you move in together until this is sorted out one way or another,DO NOT under any circumstances let him brush this under the carpet this was rape regardless of how brutal it wasnt,you said no,he pinned you down and refused to let you go.
Regards his text message reply"Is there anything i can say that would change your mind about not wanting to live with me?" i interpret this as a way to turn what happened round to being your fault,if you say no or go on about what happened he will go well you dont want me here so we will split,then they blame will lie with you! Could be wrong,i hope i am.
At first i kinda thought well yeh maybe he is so utterly mortified at what he had done especially when he knows your past experiences that he simply does not know how to begin to approach you about ,but as i read of the other bits-the forced termination,the just signing of the house it made me rethink,and now i do kinda see it as bad news im afraid.People are very good at hiding their true nature,until the time is right to show it and im sorry to say but it is appearing more like that with him i would say.
Only yourself can decide on which way to go with this and obviously a lot of it will be based around how he is with you when you both come face to face,but think about this- How will you feel the next time he initiates love making,you are going to be lying there thinking whats gona happen? And if you did need to stop for ANY reason at all you will find yourself afraid to say so because of fear over his reaction.I really hope this works out how you want it,take care x

JennyLee · 23/02/2006 19:18

Oh please don't let it happen to you again, leave please get away from this man no one should do that do anyone.If this is the start of your relationship adn getting a new home together what is it going to progres to.

bringsbackmemories · 23/02/2006 20:04

Sorry about the name change ,

When I was 19 my bf held me,pretty much like your dp, even though I had said NO!, his arms were like rods of iron. Does that sound familar ??

I have always thought of it as rape although it was over in seconds. Unfortunatley I was a virgin, not a very nice introduction to sex.

I also thought up excuses for him, I was wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am now with a wonderful dh, but for years afterwards I would have flash backs, you need to work out in your own mind very clearly what YOU experienced it it how YOU felt that counts not what he thinks.

Take all the good advice given here, look after yourself

expectingsummerihope · 23/02/2006 21:21

Likewise it happened to me when I was 17 and a virgin. He pinned me down and didn't stop when I told him to. Luckily he couldn't rape me as I was so terrified that my muscles clenched up and he couldn't gain entry. For a while after even when I wanted to, I couldn't (with a different partner)but over time I gained trust in my new partner and it was fine. The reason I'm telling you this is because if my trust in this man had been betrayed I would have been totally messed up. He knew what had happened before, and it wasn't even as bad as your situation HAC (as it was just the once)so I depended on him being a gentleman. He has never let me down and for that I am thankful. If he had we wouldn't be together now. What you decide is up to you but please don't be passive in the decision making process. You need to control your own destiny hun. Hope you can be strong & hope you have some good girlfriends you can confide in/get support from xx

Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 23:08

first of all i want to thank everyone for messages of support, its so good to know im not alone in all this. Tonight as i predicted he came home and has acted like nothing happened, i cannot bring myself to look at him let alone speak to him. Tomorrow i will move alone much to his dismay i am still undecided as what to do long term, i dont want to go back to the way i was two years ago, and i will not make excuses for him, am just so sad and hurt right now

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtandconfused · 23/02/2006 23:10

Btw bringsback i know what you mean about arms of iron the ironic thing is i would have always said jokey that he wouldn't stand a chance against me! how wrong could i have been

OP posts:
Beetroot · 24/02/2006 08:45

h&c HOw are you today?

Are you moving?
Do you live together now?

YOu say you are moving alone, Not sure how that happened, have you discussed this? Is he goign somewhere elae?

Hope you are feeling ok.

JennyLee · 24/02/2006 09:21

Hope you are okay, please let us know.

Bugsy2 · 24/02/2006 11:07

HAC, are you ok? Hope last night wasn't too awful & maybe you managed to have a talk about what happened.

expectingsummerihope · 24/02/2006 11:16

Will you be speaking to him hac? I hope so hun x

Beetroot · 24/02/2006 12:36

bump

doormat · 24/02/2006 13:02

bump

Loobie · 24/02/2006 13:29

Just thinking she may not have any internet access at least today anyway if she is moving house,so maybe not to worry just yet.

talkinghorse · 25/02/2006 09:18

HAve you moved H£C? how are you?

bloss · 25/02/2006 10:06

Message withdrawn

ProfessorGrammaticus · 25/02/2006 22:11

I hope you have moved. You SO need to talk to him. His behaviour sounds really bad to me - I wonder whether it justs seems ok to you because you have been through so much worse?

Beetroot · 27/02/2006 22:44

???