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Original poster

Fuck feminism. Can you respect/ love a man who does not work.

110 replies

Feckbox · 10/06/2012 00:56

Partner of 12 y has not worked since meeting Me ( i have got a good job , house, and savings )
We have fab Dt aged 10, dd 8.
He claims he applies for lots of jobs but won't do crappy stuff ( I earn lots and share it all )
His lack of contributing to family income is a serious turn off.
I work 3 nightshifts a week so am home for more than half of the family drudge.
Would you turf him out over this?

OP posts:
AgentProvocateur · 10/06/2012 00:58

Yes I would turf him out. Unless he is ill or disabled or a full time carer or SAHD, I couldn't respect someone who didn't work.

LucieMay · 10/06/2012 01:01

What agent said.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:02

Should add, kids love him, great dad , blah blah

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:06

Well he sees himself as SAHD but we never agreed to that and I am home most of the time.
Actually I think about turfing him out a lot of the time as I would be mentally calmer / happier. We sleep in separate rooms (17 months , following a major incident ) . Kids would be devastated. All for me to feel better inside. Is that really fair?

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:06

Why would he need to work while you're providing a nice little earner for him?

After twelve years of poncing off you, he's going to be in a for a rude awakening when you boot him out and, IMO, that can't happen soon enough, or happen to a more deserving individual.

What kind of example is he setting your dc? FGS, kick this idle bastard into touch before they form the opnion that there's no need for them to achieve at school or in life.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:07

And where would he go.?
I don't hate him. Yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:09

Should I wait till after his seconds cycling holiday abroad this year in August ( that I paid £1800 for ) ?

OP posts:
LemonTurd · 10/06/2012 01:09

Do you want to say what the major incident was?

This arrangement is only going to work if he's going to be a SAHP (then he is working, obviously) As it is, he's cocklodging.

izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:10

Actually I think about turfing him out a lot of the time as I would be mentally calmer / happier Nuff said, honey. That's more than sufficient reason for you to get on and do it.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:11

where will he go?
he will have to go and get a job to support himself, or else turn up and announce himself homeless and the council will house him while they work out that he is actually just an idle fucker who ran out of luck....

ask yourself this:
What do you get from this relationship OP?
you dont sleep together. you are not a partnership, he is just another child for you to look after and another mouth to feed, unless you get something out of doing it.
which, because you have posted this thread, you clearly do not.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:12

He thinks he is no different from my girlfriend who does not have paid employment - she has 3 kids and is married to an anaesthetist . He can't see why it bugs me so much that he does not work. He thinks my view is sexist and I don't value his contribution

OP posts:
izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:12

I wouldn't wait until August but I can see the advantage in loading his panniers with all of his wordly possessions - and waving him goodbye as he cycles off into the sunset before changing the locks.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:13

yep. you turf him out now.

are you fricking mental? why are you paying for his holidays??????
sorry if that sounds hostile but i think you must be unwell to be putting up with this!??!??

never, has the term "cocklodger" been more apt.

SoSad007 · 10/06/2012 01:13

Depends what your values are. So if you were asking me, no, I couldn't respect a man who has never worked in 12 years. And as a result the love for him would diminish because of the lack of respect.

Does he not have enough self-respect that he would want to provide for his wife and family?

And he won't do 'crappy stuff' in a job, but is happy to let you be the sole bread-winner in the house, when it does not sound like that is what you have both agreed to?

Get.Rid.Of.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:13

Lemon, he paints himself as SAHP. I never agreed to that. And I'm home a lot

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:14

you dont value his contribution??

what contribution?
go on...think about it.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:15

My kids would be in bits.
For how long, can anyone advise?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:15

I totally value his contribution. He does lots of stuff for the family.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:17

actually - your kids might not be in as many bits as you think.
they may actually breath an almighty sigh of relief that mummy is not tense, is relaxed, is calm and happy, and when they see daddy, he will be the same.

what event was it that saw you sleepign apart?

yoru children will benefit actually from seeing an capable and normal single parent situation than a totally abnormal and false sham of a partnership in which one party does all the providing and one does sod all....

izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:17

Unless he's a 'vulnerable adult', no local authority has an obligation to house him Vic.

He can apply to stay at the YMCA or sell the Big Issue while staying in hostels for the homeless.

Frankly, I'd take the view that he can go fuck himself under a pile of newspapers on a park bench

The fact is that your dc are at an age where they don't need a SAHP and, once you've rid yourself of this particular drain on your resources, you'll have the funds to meet any childcare needs through outside agencies.

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:19

what is his contribution?
is it worth the loss of your respect? if the answer is yes and you are happy for him to play the SAHD role then carry on.

but i would stop paying for his holidays. and i would start to properly evaluate your roles.

izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:22

I should make it clear that in taking the view that particular man is a piss-artist of the cocklodging variety, I'm in no way denigrating or devaluing the arduous role of genuine of SAHPs of which happy band I was once one for a few brief but memorably sweet years.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:22

Please, all, try not to make assumptions over and above what I tell you. He's not a total waster. He adores our children , and them him. He does the cooking and the laundry and watches a LOT of sport on tv. I am really unhappy about my perceived unequal ( excessive ) contribution to family life.

My job is VERY stressful. 3 x 12 hour night shifts . I do lots of the kiddy / drudge stuff the rest of the week.

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:25

so what would you like us to say then feck.
you have said you feel you cannot respect him as he has never worked in 12 years and you pay for everthing, including his holidays.
you do not sleep together.

if i were you, i would be evaluating exactly what i want from my partner and telling him.
do you view this as a partnership, or ????

i am not an advocate of staying together for the sake of the children, if it makes one partner unhappy.
your op sounded as if you were unhappy.
if this is not the case then you have no problem.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:26

Turfing him out just seems so cruel.
If I told you wha the event was that led to separate beds you probably would not believe me.
It involved no third parties.
See if you can guess

OP posts: