Fuck feminism. Can you respect/ love a man who does not work.

[Feckbox]

Partner of 12 y has not worked since meeting Me ( i have got a good job , house, and savings )
We have fab Dt aged 10, dd 8.
He claims he applies for lots of jobs but won't do crappy stuff ( I earn lots and share it all )
His lack of contributing to family income is a serious turn off.
I work 3 nightshifts a week so am home for more than half of the family drudge.
Would you turf him out over this?

While she's out at work whose doing what at home?

I would imagine they are all sleeping as she works nights.

Which then means that three days a week, she is asleep during the day at some point.

Personally I found it difficult to get on with stuff around the house when my husband was on night shifts and was sleeping during the daytime.

I would also think that there are two very different sides to this, and if OP were a man and the SAHP was the mother, there would be very few people suggesting the mother be kicked out just because she didnt have a job, or the house was not a palace.

Firstly, it's really hard to judge this accurately, when you haven't told us why you are sleeping apart. If it is something that means your relationship is damaged beyond all repair, then I think you should split up. That doesn't necessarily mean that either of your moves out - it could mean that you lead separate lives within the same house for a period of time. You could get a solicitor to work out the financial aspects, but if you had completely separate financial affairs, then he would need to get a job or claim JSA. You would probably have to give him some financial support - what would you have to pay someone to look after the dc while you are at work? But otherwise, he wouldn't be your responsibility. That could only work if you both agree to it, for the sake of the children's stability. You would feel less resentment, because you would not be financing his holidays etc.

I think it's the separate rooms issue which is having an impact on everything else - I think you are basically feeling that you are paying lots of money for him to loaf around and you are not even in a proper relationship any more.

In principle I cannot see a problem with one person lacking ambition in a career sense, if their partner has it, loves their job and earns enough money to financially support the family. That said, as a sahp he ought to be doing the bulk of the house work and child care. I honestly cannot see the point in him getting any old job, just for the sake of it, when money isn't needed.

You need to think about this really carefully and with a solicitor, go through all the possible outcomes, before you act.

I would start with relationship counselling - you say he is a good dad and not a total waster, so for the dc, you should try and get the nicest outcome, if possible.

If you aren't happy with the situation then you must try and change it to a situation you are more comfortable with. It is obviously not working for you. Whether that means you leave, he leaves, he gets a job is a matter of decisions between the two of you. The point is that if the situation has been going on for that number of years it is hard to make changes. I have tried not to make assumptions.

Hang on the children are 10 and 8 but he hasn't worked for 12 years.

So why wasn't he working before the children came along? How long have you been together? What was the situation when you met?

I think there is a lot more to this than we will ever know. But from reading through I just get the impression that the op isn't in love anymore.

I think that her partner is probably doing a lot more than she gives him credit for but because she isn't in love anymore all she can see is that she earns money and he doesn't.

I think the op needs to forget all of this working not working rubbish and face up to the fact her feelings have changed because only then will she be able to come up with any kind of plan.

I couldn't respect him and I see him as completely different to a SAHP. He wasn't working when you met him and didn't work when you got pregnant. I wouldn't have had a child with someone in that position, no matter the reason for his not working. Money isn't the only reason we work and I would want a man who wanted to work and to be independent.

He's just taking the mickey now. He clearly has no intention of getting a job. In his mind, you will continue to take care of him, regardless of what he does.

You have now slept in separate rooms for a long time. Has he ever tried to change that?

I think he sounds like he lacks motivation for some reason.

But OP did meet him, support him, have children with him and accept the status quo for all this time. I can't imagine whay an educated and articulate person would have let it get this far unless he is being bullying and manipulative (and I can't see evidence of this).

AND after that amount of time out of the workforce finding a job is hard, particularly if you weren't very employable in the first place.

In answer to the title, yes I could respect a man who wasn't employed so long as he was contributing equally.

The issue isn't that he is a sahd, it's that he choose to be, and forced you to be the only breadwinner, without your agreement. I can't imagine turning to my dp tomorrow and saying I've quit my job you support us.

The other issue is that if you are working and doing 50% of the kids/house stuff, then he is also only doing half that role so has half his time "off". Where is your time off? However the balance of employment and household work is split between two partners, it is only fair that you have equal off time.

But even if he was a fantastic SAHD who ran around all day arranging the flowers and dusting, if it's not an agreed arrangement, then it's not right, is it?

Gosh, I sound like I am on his side. I'm not, he sounds a bit of a waste of space. I just don't get wh she has put up with it all this time and because she has the repercussions will be huge.

"leave the bastard"?! What?

So he is a SAHP and the problem is this was never agreed BUT have you really told him this feck? You have been supporting the family financially and he has been at home with the children. He will be the one who gets residential care of the children if you split up.

She said she's been telling him for twelve years.

And he doesn't necessarily get residential care of the children, Offred. That is an inflammatory statement.

Why wouldn't he? He is the main carer!

Op why do you stay with him if you are unhappy? You really don't need him around, Im a lone parent, have a career, work 40+ hours per week, cook, clean, do all the home admin and everything else that's needed to make a smooth and happy home life without keeping a man around that hasn't worked for 12 years. He sounds like he is very comfortable with you paying for his holidays etc and sleeps in another bedroom. You could employ an au pair for less money and have none of the emotional baggage. If you were happy with your current situation then that's fine but your Obviously unhappy so change things. Good luck and I hope things work out well for you xx

What I mean is has she been telling him but paying for his bike holidays and sharing her money with him, choosing to have children when he didn't have a job which is rather a mixed message.

Let's forget the whole not-working part.

You don't get on. You fight a lot. You don't sleep in the same room. You don't sound as if you enjoy each other's company. So you should split up.

Haven't read thread but it has nothing to do with feminism! It's to do with pulling your weight and not being lazy and taking advantage.

I have trouble respecting anyone who sits on their bum and does nothing while everyone struggles around them (out of choice!). Gender makes no difference.

Work does not have to involve earning money but everyone should contribute to home life in whatever way they can. I earn next to nothing but I work hard everyday to keep a nice house, look after ds and do as much as possible when dh is at work so we can have nice family times together!

Ditch him!

And tbh I think he's setting your children a really bad example.

OP, at the beginning of this thread I asked what the major incident was. If we don't have a full picture, it's difficult to advise?

Was it a rape? If it was, I would end this relationship.

What were the agreed arrangements for school pickups, after school care, night care etc when you were under the assumption he was going to be working?? You say you didn't agree to him being sago - what were you going to do instead of him taking that role? Can you revert back to that?

I think the reason you are sleeping apart has got far more to do with this than you are letting on OP. What did he do?

Did he hurt you? There's more to this than just him not working isn't there?

Yes, inadeeptance, you've worded it far more sensitively than I have.

Sorry if my pp was harsh

It may well be that she 'did something' that caused the not sleeping together thing. But as she is childishly teasing with that detail the rest is a bit boring, and so hide threadsworthy.

I've just got shot of one of these. Didn't work for 10 years. Claimed to be SAHD but I was never happy with this, was supposed to be short-term solution but went on for years, he did bare minimum and never happy about it and refused to go out to work. Best thing I ever did was show him the door. Down side is financial - assets are joint so you have to buy him out of anything even though you've worked for it all and he's taken the piss. Kids don't necessarily go with him though. In my case, I'm the 'parent with care' and my ex has them couple of nights a week. I'm sharing this because I also assumed that leaving my DH would mean leaving the kids...but it doesn't! Good luck.

I think you are not happy and that is enough to end a relationship IMO, the working thing is irrelevant in that respect. The whole 'big incident' thing suggests there is so much more going on. Either say or don't, this isn't a guessing game.

Anyway, he's been unemployed for 12 years so clearly it's nothing to do with being a SAHD. What was his reason for not working then when there were no children to look after?

If it was the other way round and a man saying 'i work 3 nights a week, my wife is a lazy slattern, her house keeping is not up to my standards, she just rinses my money" what would we be saying?