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Original poster

Fuck feminism. Can you respect/ love a man who does not work.

110 replies

Feckbox · 10/06/2012 00:56

Partner of 12 y has not worked since meeting Me ( i have got a good job , house, and savings )
We have fab Dt aged 10, dd 8.
He claims he applies for lots of jobs but won't do crappy stuff ( I earn lots and share it all )
His lack of contributing to family income is a serious turn off.
I work 3 nightshifts a week so am home for more than half of the family drudge.
Would you turf him out over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:27

Thanks vic, I am not happy. You are right.
Well, not happy with the relationship . But it enables me to do whatever the hell I want . But I am still sad so it's a poor pay off

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:28

So, in his eyes , how is he different for those in the arduous role of SAHP ?

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:29

i wouldnt even begin to speculate.

but if you are unhappy, then do something about it.
if you are not unhappy, then live with it.

if you are happy for him to play the SAHD card then fine, but you say he has not worked for 12 years and your kids are 10 and 8....when your kids are 18 and 28 - what then?

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:30

have you talked to him about how you feel feck?

if so, whats he say?

ravenAK · 10/06/2012 01:31

The sleeping separately following an incident sounds like there's more to this.

I wouldn't accept him being a SAHP if a) you didn't agree to that in the first place & b) he's not doing enough in that role.

Do you want him out, or do you want him to get a job & contribute financially, or do you want him to step up as a SAHP so you have less drudge to do? Which of those options might be acceptable to you? You need to decide & then sit him down to discuss it.

(& I definitely wouldn't be funding holidays for him, other than family ones.)

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:35

Raven, well summarised. Both a and b apply.
I want him to
A. Step up financially
B. do more SAHP WISE
C. Fuck off

Any one of these for starters !
Yes I have discussed , he thinks he does B already but the house is a disorganised mess. It always ends in a row

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:37

I actually don't mind the holidays at all. I have plenty of money and share it with him ( and half my family )

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 10/06/2012 01:37

I would say get rid, but in my part of the world it's very odd for anyone (male or female) to stay at home after the kids are in full time school. I actually don't know a single person who does this.

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:38

Vic, see above . He gets angry, thinks I dont value his contribution, ( NOT my point at all ) goes into a rage, storms off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:39

Cheer , neither do I apart from dp and anaesthetist's wife pal

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:39

one thing i have learned, from my own experience, is that you cannot change someone. they have to want to change, and i think your dh has a very easy life, so really, why would he alter anything without you forcing the issue?

i think you may have to really lay it on the line. and mean it. and follow through with it. But first i think you really need to decide on what it is you want from him.
it doesnt sound like a happy situation for you. he on the the other hand, sounds like he has the life of riley!

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:40

He claims to spend every weekday morning applying online for jobs

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:41

do you think the storming off is a red herring to make you stop the questioning as to why he does not do more financially or in the home?

its much easier to storm off than face facts isnt it?

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:42

feck really - if he was applying for jobs after 12 years he would most certainly have one by now.

really. i think he needs a massive kick up the arse.

jubilucket · 10/06/2012 01:42

When I was a SAHP (for 5 years) I funded my own two trips away from savings from my previous life. DP also had a couple of child-free trips with the boys in that time (fishing, pub etc), which he paid for out of his own budget.
There must be more to this OP, don't want to bang on but this is a bit drip-feedy.

jubilucket · 10/06/2012 01:43

Sorry lots of xposting.

izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:43

Maybe it's a shorter process, but in 12 years he surely could have achieved 2 degrees from the OU?

It would seem that this man has no ambition and you're facilitating this sorry state of affairs.

What plans does he have to fill his time when the dc have flown the nest?

ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:43

and i cannot guess what led to the separate room thing....would you like to share op? whose decision was that? does that mean you no longer have any sex life aswell?

sorry to nose but that would be a deal breaker for me....

Original poster
Feckbox · 10/06/2012 01:46

Vic, you see it exactly as I do ( life of Reilly )
He gets angry at anyone expressing this view. He thinks he is hard done to, it's hard not having a job, blah blah , harder for men to be SAHP blah blah

OP posts:
ThatVikRinA22 · 10/06/2012 01:52

well i bet he does get angry - i mean, anything that threatens his life of riley would be annoying - but only for him!

he sounds like he is living some kind of half arsed existence
half arsed "attempts" to get a job read that as im ok thank you very much without one
half arsed stay at home parenting because you are there the rest of the time to pick up the slack
half arsed being in a grown up relationship - because he and you sleep separately and he goes off for boys holidays alone....

i think you are getting a bum deal here op. really.
but only you can change it. the onus may have to come from you and you may have to be really really hard, and then, you will find out what means more to him.

but at present, your partner is taking the absolute piss. im sorry.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 10/06/2012 01:53

So he doesn't do enough at home? If he was a "good" SAHD then would you have more respect for him or like him more?

When you say you never agreed to this lifestyle...do you mean that you've been asking him to get a job for twelve years?? That's a long time to buy bullshit...you went ahead and had kids wth him....didn't you think that it might rankle after a while?

I think it's hard of you to chuck him out but also understand that you want him to contribute financially....the DC are hardly babies any more...can't he set up a business of his own?

izzyizin · 10/06/2012 01:57

You're going to have to harden your heart, grow a pair, and kick him out - and I have no doubt that your dc will be nowhere near as badly affected by his absence as you seem to think they'll be.

This man's an appalling role model for them and the sooner you take action, the better.

ravenAK · 10/06/2012 02:09

'Raven, well summarised. Both a and b apply.
I want him to
A. Step up financially
B. do more SAHP WISE
C. Fuck off'

So long as all of these are options for him, but you aren't leaning on him to comply, he's not going to go along with any of them & you'll carry on drifting, both of you.

It needs to be 'This relationship is in deep shit. I want you to get a job by the end of the kids' summer holidays, so we can plan childcare for next year, & do round the house in the meantime.'

You need a specific starting point for him to bargain back at you - he obviously likes the status quo. So he might turn into an exemplary SAHP for fear of having to get a job, or get a job for fear of having to be a proper SAHP. Atm he's just hearing & thinking of his next holiday.

jubilucket · 10/06/2012 02:18

I've been trying hard to flip this on its head and consider how I would react if you were the male and your dp the female. Quite hard, as absolutely all the SAHPs I know, apart from one, have gone back to work within a month or two of the youngest starting school. The exception is an airline pilot's wife, their income is more than enough to cover it, and she works hard keeping the home and garden gorgeous, including all the decorating and odd-jobs - it's a big cottage, lots of garden, and she doesn't have a cleaner or gardener or ironing lady, which a lot of the rest of our friends have had to get to keep their homes going. Personally I'd die of boredom, but they are happy.
Your DP is not doing his bit, hasn't been doing his bit for donkeys years, and if you're in separate rooms now, something is very wrong.

blackcurrants · 10/06/2012 02:40

I don't think I could respect anyone who wasn't meaningfully employed. That doesn't necessarily mean employed for pay, btw, if your h was a volunteer for something that transformed his life, and to which he was devoted, and you were happy to fund that work, the situation would be different.

But it's not. You are not happy. He is not pulling his weight. You are not happy, OP, but he is a lazy man and not going to change anything unless you make him. So I think you need to decide what you want, and ask for it, and decide what you are willing to accept, and what you won't put up with. If you don't make these changes, this situation will continue for the rest of your working life. If that idea fills you with horror, make the changes happen.

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