Fuck feminism. Can you respect/ love a man who does not work.

[Feckbox]

Partner of 12 y has not worked since meeting Me ( i have got a good job , house, and savings )
We have fab Dt aged 10, dd 8.
He claims he applies for lots of jobs but won't do crappy stuff ( I earn lots and share it all )
His lack of contributing to family income is a serious turn off.
I work 3 nightshifts a week so am home for more than half of the family drudge.
Would you turf him out over this?

I have to say that I was wondering if this thread was having a veiled go at SAHM's whose children are now in school. And yes nailak if it was the other way round some folk might say that the person who works should do a share as plenty of single parents do everything. And money should be shared anyway regardless of who earns it.

But really it's what suits people. If the situation suits two people and both are happy then that's fine. If one is resentful then it isn't fine.

Ok so you have never agreed on DP being a SAHP

So now it is time to make an agreement.

Write a full list of jobs and responsibilities for your household with estimated time taken to fullfill them. You can both write these lists separately or do it together.

Aim for an equal split in terms of time and see how close you are already. If your dp won't discuss this then imo you don't really have a relationship to build on.

It may be that your dp would like to re-train having been out of the workplace a long time. It may be that he can find a full time job and you need to out-source some domestic or childcare responsibilities.

There are a lot of potential solutions but you need to be able to agree them as trying to impose a solution clearly won't work.

Perhaps your dp actually wants to leave the relationship and you need to have a discussion instead about how to do this best from the kids' point of view. Be prepared this may happen. Having this discussion can only help the relationship to move forwards in whatever way that may be.

Good luck

But the OP only works 3 nights a week (long shifts yes) and by the sounds of it is the main carer. I'm guessing she sleeps while the children are at school and does most of the after school and weekend stuff.

He will have no claim to her property as he has made no contribution to it and will have little claim under schedule one children's act either. So the best he can hope for is joint residency and he will need to provide accomodation for that.

I don't see where you have read that changer. Like you say it is a guess. The op describes him as a SAHD says his housework is not up to scratch says she does a lot of childcare drudge but didn't say what. My DH does both weekend days so I can study, often will take the children to school, although I'm at home with the children that havent gone to school yet, gets children dressed and breakfasted every weekday but I am still the SAHP. Presumably the children were at home with DH before they went to school. I haven't heard anything that suggests he isn't the main carer tbh. However maybe the op could clarify? Also explain the other things that are sketchy?

Well, a number of things occur to me. I know several women whose lives are not unlike your partner's life, OP. Their husbands have high-powered careers, involving long hours and considerable travel. The women stay home with the children, all of whom are well into school age. They often say that their husbands' jobs would be impossible without their support, which I'm sure is true in many ways. They seem to have an awful lot of time on their hands, though I obviously don't live with them so the reality may be different. It is not a life I could ever imagine leading on either side of the equation. If I were the at-home partner, I don't think I could bear to live without meaningful work once the children were at school. Equally, if I were the breadwinner, I fear I would begin to resent the partner at home if he seemed to be doing little to pull his weight.

However, it seems this arrangement has continued unchallenged in the OP's family for years. Whether it was actually verbally agreed to or not, it has been tacitly accepted. So the first thing I would think that needs to happen is a long conversation about the future of the relationship and family arrangements.

I am also personally uncomfortable with money in a family being earmarked as his and hers. The OP says that she paid for her partner's holiday, but in a family all money is generally pooled for everyone's use, isn't it? At various times in the 11 years of my marriage, my DH has earned more than me and I have earned more than him. I had nearly a year without paid employment early in our marriage, and my DH recently went through a similar period (he's just secured an excellent position, hurrah!). At no point in that time did it occur to us that the money in the bank was "mine" or "his." We're a partnership, all our money and assets belong to us both.

I don't think it would be fair on any level to kick this man out of his house with nothing. He has contributed to the family for 12 years, even if the OP is not happy with the extent or quality of his contribution. I can imagine the outrage if a man posted a similar OP and someone suggested that the SAHM should receive the same treatment.

I can't really comment on the separate bedrooms issue without more information.

OP, what was the situation when your children were tiny? Did you stay home at all or go back to work? And if he became a SAHD very early, were you concerned then that he wasn't really up to the task?

Interesting thread.

If this were a man posting, and it was suggested the housework wasn't up to scratch he would be given merry hell.

If I were in the OP's had enough money for what I wanted, it wouldn't bother me too much, but then I have a DH who works long hours and gets stressed, so I guess it's a case of the grass in greener.

If I were the OP, I wouldn't be giving the DH any money for nice things, such as a new car or holidays he wanted. As a women with school aged children who's husband is the main earner, and pays all the bills, that is why I go to work....for the luxuries.

I think it's more fundamental than that. They aren't married. They haven't had sex for nearly 2 years. They have separate rooms. He is almost like a kind of unpaid au pair who is provided with food and lodging. However he never has worked so I am not sure he's let her down on any part of a bargain. Plenty of men take on women who have never realy worked and just move from man to man in leech like fashion whcih those of us who work full time and have a family find hard to understand.

If she now doesn't like this she need to sit down with him and talk about it.

Yes, I don't think the not working is the issue. Think it is more likely to be "the incident"

This situation is what ended my marriage. My EXH didn't work when we met but was at uni, did eventally get a job about a year after finishing and then we moved he lost his job and just decided to not get another one.

I use to blame myself because I supported him through uni so thought he probably expected it. I had to work 6 days a week to pay rent, bills and still have a life. He never really said thank you and was quite happy about the whole thing. No wonder really he got to do whatever he wanted and knew I would work extra to pay for holidays etc.

We were together for 10 years, married for 5, never had DC's. It took me 8 years before I realised he was taking the piss and when I left the first thing he said he was missing was his quality of life! Not me just everything I had enabled him to have!

18 months later he has now moved to another town and got a job, is happy and independant and I'm with a wonderful man that looks after me as much as I look after him. A man that respects me.

If he is the main career for you DC's that does make it different but unless he has no medical reason to properly try and get a job then he is taking advantage of you. I loved my EXH and thought I was doing all I could to make him happy but at the same time I was exhausted and misrable all so he could live the life HE wanted, not US.

If this situation make you all happy and gives you a good and forefilled life then carry on but if its making you misrable so he can be happy (not your family) then it might be time to do somthing about it.

I could write a lot more about how I tried to help him get a job, ideas, constant motivation, ultimatums etc but 10 yrs of it would fill this thread! In the end it took me leaving for him to turn his life around. It is too late for us, it went on too long and is a shame because a part from that he was an amazing guy and we could have had a wonderful life together.

Not sure what I'm saying, or if there is any advice in this, sorry!