Fuck feminism. Can you respect/ love a man who does not work.

[Feckbox]

Partner of 12 y has not worked since meeting Me ( i have got a good job , house, and savings )
We have fab Dt aged 10, dd 8.
He claims he applies for lots of jobs but won't do crappy stuff ( I earn lots and share it all )
His lack of contributing to family income is a serious turn off.
I work 3 nightshifts a week so am home for more than half of the family drudge.
Would you turf him out over this?

tell him he has a month to find alternative arrangements, if he gets a job - any job within that time you can reconsider

what those are and how he is going to finance them are not your concern.

maybe he will get a job

V unsexy and just in practical terms I don't like a man who can't take care of himself

I could not give him an allowance and would get annoyed if/when he spent my money on frivolous things

A total no no for me

I hate lazy people (because I am a secret lazy person and have enough battles with myself every day!!)

Hang on...
the OP says "Should add, kids love him, great dad , blah blah"
Also says she works three night shifts "so is home for half the drudge"

So isn't this the picture of a '50s household turned over where HE works and SHE just does "great Mum" ?

Now it's SHE works and he's just "great Dad"
So define work...

While she's out at work whose doing what at home?
While the OP is not there ?
Absent.
Missing.
Working.

Someone is bringing up the children.
Hmmmmm.....

Suddenly a women's work is not never done, but done exactly according to her shifts while he brings up the kids, scrubs the pots, sorts out the sports kit for tomorrow, cooks and cleans and mends and sews... and ALL that other stuff that doesn't have a pay cheque attached.

Turf him out ? Sure. Go for it. And then take on everything he's doing as well at what you are already doing yourself.

And then... (because there will be confusion about the children) get into a legal battle. And then.... cost yourself and the public purse a fortune as you bicker over every other weekend and Wednesday night staying contact. And then... as your children get older look forward to becoming the evil version (because you started it) and watch your kids learn that whatever life he is living is cooler, better and more attractive than yours. And then... well you tell me.

If you are deeply into the Protestant work ethic than hate your man (who you have had two kids with) and look deeply into a mirror. Paid work is always good but if your man suddenly found a full time job would it actually make you happy ?
You Sound like someone who likes to be OUT of the house....

He is not pulling his weight, you are in separate rooms, the house is a mess and he is watching lots of tv.

As custardo says give him a month to get a job or to be doing some volunteer work.

He sounds like a lazy teenager at the moment, doing the bare minimum he can get away with but expecting to be fully funded.

there is more to this. But I can't not see someone spending 12 years trying to find a job everyday and coming up with nothing sorry.
If you can afford not for him to work and he can be a great sahp. Why would you want him to work. Except he isn't a great sahp and you are picking up the slack. Now the kids are at school there is no reason he can get a part time job like alot of women do. If you are not happy, and it sounds like you still wouldn't be if he worked, then changes need to be made. All the shams I know have done something when the kids are at school.

You are basically saying that is leading exactly the same life as me, and countless other SAHMs for years on end, and last time I looked there was no seething resentment on the part of my DH over it.

Yes, we get to be a but lazy and stuck in our safe little routine if we want to be, but there are massive downsides too. But it's part of the deal, and we all take the pros and cons of whatever role we choose to take on. Why can't you just accept the very modern but perfectly acceptable role reversal? Unless the truth is that you just don't love him any more and you are looking for a reason to justify that.

a bit lazy

What would be the situation if he left? Who would look after kids while you're on night shift? Would he be entitled to maintenance & half the house?

I'm going to reverse the roles here - you have 3 primary aged school kids who have been fortunate enough to have a parent at home. At primary age a care giver is still needed so if you separated you would need to get childcare if he worked in addition you would need to get someone to look after the the children when you are on the nightshift.

I think the issue here is that you didn't discuss childcare and who would be the SAHP, you both made assumptions.
Have you ever tried counselling? I think you need to look at what you both want, if he is really applying for jobs then it's very demoralising to be rejected on a regular basis. If he hasn't worked for so long then it WILL be very, very hard for him to get a job...society does judge SAHD more than mums. Career breaks to raise dc's are NOT common for men.

He may need to retrain but I bet his confidence is low. 12 years out of the workplace is a lifetime in the current economy.
He obviously isn't ambitious but that has worked well for a period of the relationship, given you the opportunity to work with him taking on childcare.

I can understand that you feel resentment and if you and him share different values (such as working) you are not likely to be compatible. I think you need to talk,really talk, don't get angry - your life is where it is through your choices. How did it happen that he became the SAHP - did you arrange childcare for when you went back to work and he continued to stay home as well, so you cancelled the childcare?

Kids of eight and ten don't need a stay at home parent, there is no reason why their father is insisting on being one. Unless they have sn, they could go to an after school club and their dad could work full time, as if op does night shifts she can do the school drop of herself.

However, op .... Think about what you are doing, because he is the main carer. If you split up, it will be you leaving, without the children. Not him. Those are the rules.

As a femniist I have no problems with role reversal and earned 10x the income of my children's father but I would never have tolerated a situation where one person did more than was fair. Why do you do loads of drudge stuff at home? Can't you just stop doing it and leave it to him?

Legal questions. I think you are not married and I assume the property is in your name. Therefore he has no share in it. I think under the Children Act if he gets the children to live with him which is likely as he is the stay at home parent then there may be some property adjustment order in his favour so they can be housed as he has no income. That is your risk. See a solicitor before taking decisions. If you wait until the youngest is 13 you might find the children choose to live with you and then instead he has to leave.

I feel a bit sorry for him. When your dc were very young, he presumably did most of the childcare. Now he's in a rut and it is genuinely very difficult for a SAHD to get back into a career.

He is a great Dad and does a lot. Why not try counselling? It might then sink in that he needs to buck up and fast. It should also help you both move on from the 'incident' even if that moving on means negotiating a split.

Booting him out without warning is harsh, but you can't let this go on.

I would never have tolerated a situation where one person did more than was fair. Why do you do loads of drudge stuff at home? Can't you just stop doing it and leave it to him?

Yes, exactly. My DH has never resented me not working, but he expects that certain things will not fall to him (and nver have) after a hard day's work outside the home, and if he ever feels he is not getting a fair deal out of me he is very quick to say so! He doesn't just take it all on like a martyr!

Why do women do this?!

I've never understood it. Obviously if someone at home with 3 chidlren under 4 may not have a second even to go to the loo never mind have th house immaculate so it does depend on child ages what is reasonable but if this unmarried live in partner is playing lots of computer games and his partner is doing lots of domestic work after a day's work that is not very fair. I think she mostly works at home too so perhaps she just needs a key to her office door or wherever she works at home. I have often locked my office door when I had younger ones (never now) so they understood the separation between work and not.

I couldn't respect someone who contributed nothing to the relationship.

If one partner is working and bringing in the money and the other is doing the bulk of the childcare and house stuff, then fine. Respect aplenty. Both are contributing equally to the family.

If one partner is bringing in all the money AND doing the bulk of the childcare AND doing the bulk of the house stuff then they are being taken for a fool.

Thank you all for lots of great input. So much to think about.
Xenia, yes we are not married, and I owned my house years before we met.
Minimonty you have expressed some of my fears.

I fear the solution might be worse than the problem, you see.

Whoever accused me of drip feeding ,that's really harsh. I am very wary of giving details that might identify me

Can you not help him look for work?

Also are you giving him money every week or month for himself and are you now starting to feel like he hasn't earned his share?

Does he spend any time out of the home? I assume he has a network of friends if he's going on a cycling holiday...

Sorry for the questions, I'm just trying to understand how this has gone on for 12 years. Was there no discussions re: family income / future finances when you got pregnant?

I know lots of SAHP, and am one. And we have kids at school!
What we do: look after kids, that is cooking, cleaning, washing, helping with school work, a whole load of admin concerned with them, a lot of taxi service. On top I do cooking, a lot of the cleaning, a lot of the DIY, the shopping, and lots of general household admin (pay bills etc.). I also do some voluntary work, occasionally work, I tried going back to work but nearly had a breakdown as DH isn't around much so I was doing the SAHP stuff plus a more than 40 hour working week, and my kids were neglected. But my kids all have some SEN which does add to the stress of being there for them.

A friend of mine dumped her husband after he became a SAHP, which she hadn't agreed to, he actually had said he was going to retrain as a teacher but never got around to it. She was fed up because, he never even cooked the pre prepared meals she had prepared but took the kids out to eat junk instead, I'm sure he didn't clean, and he wasn't doing a good job of employing contractors to do DIY (basically gave the job to the first guy who showed up and didn't even get quotes).

So is he really doing the SAHP job? (If there is a problem with your child at school who do they phone? Who do the teacher's know.)

If you got rid of him, do you need to employ anyone for more than a bit of babysitting?

* The Council will not "home" him, he has no priority need *

Poor kids. Seeing their mother and main carer father being so unpleasant to each other. I did wince inside a bit when you said 'great dad, blah', as if that was just a nothingness, and then later 'do kids/drudge stuff'.

IF your going to bin him, fine, but the reason should be clear - because you don't respect a non-earner (bit shallow imo, esp. as you keep saying you have oodles of money and don't mind), or because of the issues involved in the not sharing a bed thing. That seems to be ice berg under the water here.

I really don't get this

When I mentione dthe Children Act and housing I was thinking about the issue of what claims as a non owner and non married partner he might have to the house if he obtains residence with the children. I is possible he may gain a right to stay in the house on a split up and you have to leave. You need to see a solicitor about this and do not assume as you are female the chilren would stay with you. However as you work a lot from home and the chidlren might choose you if they had a choice (if they would) and the fact there is often pro female bias it is probably more likely he would have to leave IF you want that. I am not sure that you do.

Instead perhaps he just needs lists drawn up - today you do XYZ. If you get home and he hasn't then make sure he does that evening. Don't do his jobs for him. If you are not even sleeping togethe and he is doing a tiny amount of hosue and child stuff perhaps you need some kind of written agreement with him that he is in effect getting free lodging in return for childcare and the physical relationship has stopped. That might make it easier later to say he cannot claim a right to stay in the home.

This is the law I was thinking about he might seek to claim (don't let him see this thread...)

"If you cannot establish any interest in the property, but you have children, then you may be able to apply on the children's behalf for a share of the property. This application can be made under the Children Act 1989. Orders can be made against your partner. This includes orders to transfer the property from your partner to you as the parent who is caring for the child or children.

The property will be held by you for the benefit of the child / children or transferred to the child / children directly, this can include a transfer of a tenancy. (The children can only hold a property in their name if they are over 18.)"

I bet it is more often women use it than men but it could still apply. However it is much much less of a risk than marrying a lower earner and/or putting your property in joint names with him/her.

Well its nice to know that you'd think i was a waste of space to then, as a SAHM who has applied for hundreds of jobs since DD starting school, crappy ones too - thanks