OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

I may nc but I do not come on here to shit stir or be nasty to anyone. I have not made anything I have posted up and lastly and I am most definitely not obsessed with WWIFN...

Naice! Tbf, if Chcoraisin's in I'm in. You m'dear are amazing.
I read your blog, the merest whiff of self pity or if I'm about to moan about being in pain I remember you, your wonderful DS and stbds and stfu.

Looks like a fair cop guv'...if I want to be in any club it will be one that has members with the integrity, sheer bloody willpower and grace of Chocoraisin. But I will never admit that is a proper flavour for fudge- never!

cheers m'dear! I'll pop the kettle on then shall I?

'40, you're immature because you're only here to spew venom and look for a fight. You're a grown woman so grow up. I was not referring to your indiscretion; but your attitude.'

Lurking, I am afraid you have me completely wrong. I did not come looking for a fight nor to spew venom, I came in and posted because the venom I saw already made me sick and sad. Apart from a few posters, and not all of them OWs, I have received little more than venom back because that is just the way it is on MN, which proves my point. It's what I expected really.

OP I've only read your opening post and just want to say thanks for the 'advice'

Does your mum know you're not at school today btw?

ok here is another perspective altogether. Myself & DH have been with each other since we were 14, now together 28 years, married 21 years with 3 dc. He was the only person I had ever been with up to 4 years ago, I went through a tough time, very close bereavement and partly through curiosity of to find out what it would be like, partly through ego being massaged I had an affair. It took a while to end the affair as I was weak, stupid, thought I wasn't hurting anyone and the excited feeling was addictive. I never stopped loving my DH no matter how many people may no try tell me otherwise. I ended it, never got found out, but the realisation of how I was such a horrible person was a hell of a lot to live with.

I spent the next couple of years partly wishing that my DH would have an affair purely so that my guilt would be eased. Then of course I found out through text messages that he was having an affair. My biggest surprise was that the pain of finding this out was indescribable. I confronted him, he said it was a stupid thing he did, was really sorry but that what started off as seemly harmless flirting suddenly became more, he said it was exciting at the time but deeply regrets it now. I obviously understood what he meant, but never admitted my experience. Why I didn't admit it I'm not sure, partly because I was ashamed that he would realise I'm not the person he thought I was and partly because I now knew that the pain of finding out was extreme.

He is my best friend, the one I grew up with, my soul mate. We both had just started taking each other for granted and wondering if the grass was greener on the other side.

Unfortunately the fact that I also cheated doesn't make it any easier in trying to get over it, if anything I'm finding it harder because I'm now the worst person in the world.

Sorry if this is long winded but the bottom line is, until you have been through the destruction of an affair you genuinely do not know how devastating it is. You assume because you see others having affairs that forgiveness and forgetting is easily done. The forgiveness is achieveable, but the forgetting is nearly impossible. But never assume that cheaters are a certain type, sometimes it happens before they even realise they've walked into the fire.

Choco - Just time for a morning brew up! , would you like to see my tiny violin? It's an adjunct to my joke about a tiny pianist.

If your partner is unfaithful, is a part of the hurt the 'how dare he do it ME' or 'how dare it do it to US'?

Ok so having had a quick look at some of the posts on here, I would like to add my take on affairs in general....

IMO if a married man has an affair, it is he who is cheating. Yes I agree that the OW may well be a complete cow (or more usually, I suspect, sad, gullible and lonely), but it's the husband who has promised to forsake all others, not the faceless OW.

It annoys the hell out of me when I hear women slagging off other women for 'stealing' their man like he's some brainless puppy who's been offered a tastier morsel elsewhere. Why do women let the men get away with it and focus so much of their anger on the OW? Sure, be angry with the OW, but mainly, focus on the problem, which is that the man in question is a cheating lying bastard! I can think of three RL scenarios where a friend/relative has found out their H has had an affair, forgiven him, but then spent months/years slagging off the OW and turning her into the source of all evil.

IMO when push comes to shove, you either have a solid relationship or you don't - and you either marry an honest, faithful man (or woman) or you don't (exceptions are possible, I do realise....).

truth... in response to your Q, I honestly don't think my STBXH is an awful, vile, dreadful excuse of a human. He is after all, still the father to my two children and there are many reasons I fell in love with him. As a result, the pain of his affair isn't really 'how dare he' it's (for me anyway) just an indescribable sadness that the life I thought we were sharing and building together won't happen, and many parts of our shared history were not what I thought they were. I think disappointment sums it up more than righteous indignation.

The hard and hurtful thing - and I believe this is the case whether your reconcile or split - is learning to move your goalposts, adjust your expectations, and be happy (both with yourself and with others) despite much of the change being unwanted. I don't alllow myself to vilify either H or his OW too much, part of grieving for my marriage (and the hopes I had for my children to grow up in an 'intact' family) is bound to be anger though. It's ok to be angry, and it's ok to say so. Being angry doesn't mean I'm being black and white about life or turning them into monsters in my own head.

extra marital affairs have negative effects far far beyond the initial family unit. The destructive consequences echo down the years.

I married a man whose mother (my mother in law) had an affair and left her husband (my father in law) for the other man when my husband was 11 years old. My husband has changed since we met and married but it is a slow hard battle. When I first met him he regularly spouted off about all women being lying cheaters "just read the story Eve in the garden of Eden" (no joke). Initially I laughed it off but eventually I had to confront him about it - and now he has stopped that. But i still live with so many other things which I guess can only be the consequence of what his mother did. He has the most intense love hate relationship with his mother (I used to like my MIL but now after everythign I have been through with her son I cannot help but often resent her myself). He has the most unhealthy resentment and "pitiful" hatred of his father for being so weak as to be the one who was cheated on. When our son was born it was a nightmare - I will probably never know why but can only imagine that he was (and maybe still is) frightened that he does not know how to be a good role model and "father" sons. FAOD I have not had an affair and intend never to have one although occasionally I wonder whether other peoples marriages have the same kind of challenges presented to me by my own husbands damaged teenage years.

badtaste - I don't think any one is slagging off OWs in general on this thread but the so called "advice" and attitude of some of the OWs. As iloveteddy has said, its how they come across on this thread.

I agree that the blame is on the cheating party - he/she is the one who broke their vows and promises, is lying and deceitful.

Truth - for me the hurt is more about the fact that your H made a lie of your marriage, what you thought happened during the affair isn't real, tainting everything that happened eg holidays, anniversaries, birthdays etc. Such a head fuck. Also the fact that he put himself before his wife and children hurt.

Thanks choco, for your response.

A freind's just popped over but I'll be back.

Nikita - absolutely, one can never really understand the pain until you have experienced it.

badtaste - not sure what you mean by your last line? Like many others, I thought I was marrying a honest faithful man and that we had a solid marriage. He was faithful for the first 21 years.

That's the worst thing. Especially in a long standing affair. You look back to events that have happened, knowing his mind was elsewhere. And even normal nights on the sofa etc, normal home life, it's tainted. Good times you thought you were having, all ruined.

Mad I didn't mean my post to come across 'pro' OW - I'm certainly not at all.

Nikita, that's a brave post and it must be very hard to come to terms with and live with. :(

Badtaste I didn't think you were pro OW.

But is there an element of realisation, or a lightbulb moment where you look back and realise that the niggly feeling you had when he was being distant but couldn't put your finger on, was something so massive. You knew he was distant, but never imagined it could be that.

sad that anyone feels that, because of the way people get almost instantly flamed because they come from the other side of the fence, they have to point out they are/are not either 'pro' or 'anti' OW. Don't people have enough maturity and independence to not be either of those things, or to think that they need to be before they post on here? Why are people pigeon-holed like this??

I have been thinking of what it would be like to have an affair. That is the first time I have said it out loud.
My marriage is over but H still thinks we can make it work. No matter how many times I tell him, he doesn't hear me. I know that when we do split up he will be so reasonable and tell people we just grew apart, that it is all amicable and we did all we could. But that isn't the truth. He doesn't hear me, doesn't listen to what I am saying.
Last weekend I got talking to a man and it was lovely. I felt like I mattered. Like I was interesting, attractive, worth listening to. If he lived closer and he offered I can't say that hand on heart I wouldn't pursue it. I hope I wouldn't but at the moment life is lonely, sexless, I wasn't able to save my marriage on my own, I needed H to do his bit too. But he put his head in the sand instead.
It will be a couple of years before we can split up (I know, it should be easy to just pack up and leave but actually it is not financially possible) and the thought that I will spend the next 2 years living like this, no sex, no talking, no affection really does hurt. I also know that when I do leave, he will be amazed and in shock, because he has ignored what I have been saying for months.
I think what I am trying to say, is that no, I don't condone affairs, but yes I can see why they, sometimes, happen.
Sorry, even if none of that was relevant to this conversationit still feels better for having got it out.

But is there an element of realisation, or a lightbulb moment where you look back and realise that the niggly feeling you had when he was being distant but couldn't put your finger on, was something so massive. You knew he was distant, but never imagined it could be that.

Yes, and I thought it was stress from work. Its why I always tell people to listen to their instincts. I didn't - it was like walking into invisible walls.

40 - look at nikita's post, she was an OW and is showing far more kindness that some of the OWs on here.

elephant -you need to tell your H that you are on the verge of having an affair. He may then decide to listen. If not, then you need to do the kindest thing and end the marriage.

ElephantsCanRemember: Don't do it, just don't.

[40 wonders if that is 'acceptable' advice from a former OW? Probably not on this thread, because I am, after all, a demon.]