OW perspective

[ListenBeforeJudging]

I'm fully expecting a flaming...this will be long.

I've spent many months lurking and reading the posts about all the affairs and suspected affairs and to be honest, it's helped me get over my own hurt. It's not often that the OW perspective is aired and I wanted to just let you all know that we're not all evil home-wreckers. There are always two sides to the story.

I had a male friend at work. We were good friends for quite a long time - nothing more in it. Then one day, out of the blue, he confessed that he'd fallen for me. I was gobsmacked, hadn't seen it coming and immediately distanced myself - I was angry with him as I didn't know what he wanted me to do with that information as a) he was married and b) I'd never thought of him like that.

I had a lot of time invested in our friendship and knew him well (albeit only at work) and knew he wasn't the typical straying type. I considered him a genuine friend so over time we talked it through. He confided that he felt that his marriage had broken down and that he'd been wanting to leave for at least two years (they'd been married for 8, had married young, no kids and it had descended into something platonic). He was terrified of leaving as he knew his wife was still in love with him and would be very hurt. His whole adult life, his family and all his friends were wrapped up with her.

For months we tried to put the situation behind us and carry on as normal but he told me that for the first time, he knew that he had to leave as if was capable of feeling the feelings he had for me there was no way back to fix his marriage.

We became closer and I started to develop feelings for him but still nothing happened between us. Then he told me that he was going to tell her that it was over. I was away and didn't see him for a week and when I came back he said he'd told her that he wanted out and that the 'wheels were in motion'. It was then that our affair began. We fell deeply in love.

With hindsight this was my biggest mistake and greatest regret. Long story short she was devastated, he couldn't go through with the pain he was causing her and for the next two years we had an on/off relationship (while managing somehow to have a consistent friendship) while he tried to extricate himself from the situation.

Then she found out. He cut me out of his life 'temporarily' while he 'sorted things out' (by this point we no longer worked together). I waited 3 months before seeing the light and telling him that it would never happen and that it was over. 4 months after that he left her. It was too late for us. There had been too much pain caused.

He was the love of my life. I still miss our friendship. I've felt the worst pain of my life over this.

My point to this story? I never planned to fall for him although I accept that I made some bad judgements and got in over my head emotionally. I've spent the last two years regretting what happened. I dream about his (now ex) wife often and want nothing more than to contact her to apologise for the part I played in her hurt - but I know that would just be indulgent and of no value to her when she's trying to move on.

My genuine belief is that if all was well in a marriage there would be no reason for a man to find solace/confidantes elsewhere. My advice? Talk about your concerns with your DH - before things get to the point that you can't communicate anymore.

everyone changes names on here all the time

It is pretty clear what you meant ss....a joke, in what sense? Looked very much like a underhanded dig to me. So it did to others. But you will not be honest will you?

AF is right the reason ows get a "hard" time is because there are 1 or 2 under prolific ncs, who come on to shit stir, be confrontational and nasty and most of all cannot be honest about doing the above. Whilst bringing up specific user names, to peronally dig at.

It gives everyone of you a bad name, when some come here for genuine help.

I don't

I don't bring up posters negatively who aren't here to defend themselves either

you remind me of a poster who had a massive problem with wwifn

I have no wish to freak you out, but you might want to think about keeping that particular obsession under wraps, if you nc for privacy purposes

it's why I don't bother with nc'ing, I would be sussed out in 2 minutes flat

Oh the old WWIFN obsession rears its head again...

Listen to AF's advice, sugar, about not letting yourself get carried away by that obsession.

HoP - I've always been convinced that the NC-ing OWs who shit stir on here are actually not OW at all...

Whoever they are they piss me off.

Ilovemyteddy- I agree. Affairs occur for many different reasons. I was merely expressing a different view. We only know what we have been told about others relationships. Often the happiest relationships on the surface can be the most miserable and admitting that a relationship is failing would be unthinkable for some.

I do wonder if some of the "OW's" are madly trying to justify something, but it's not the way round we are led to believe...

and the others that jump on that particular bandwagon, are actually being used in a pretty shocking way

How does it work for the married women having affairs? Is it ok as long as the OM is single?

According to stats a significant amount of women are having affairs so it is reasonable to assume that a number of these will be reading MN?

No, it is not midge.

Affairs nearly always result in deceit and removing a persons choice as to whether they want to be in a monogamous or in an open marriage. Oh and putting their health at risk. None of which is ever ok. Male or female.

Fuck me. Was I looking the other way whilst Anyfucker slaughtered some puppies?

I agree with ILove that it's a great shame this thread has turned out this way and it is frankly disgraceful that personal attacks on individual posters have been made. FWIW, my experience of AnyFucker is that she is compassionate to those deserving of it, but has the wisdom to spot a spiteful fraud a mile off.

I don't have the time to post that often on Mumsnet, but I completely disagree that all OW or people having affairs are given a hard time. Liars and those who use threads like these to pursue personal vendettas and agendas do however receive robust challenge and rightly so.

Most posters however will not think that Sugar, Nearly40 and their supporters who haven't got the guts to admit they've been unfaithful too (did you really think you were kidding anyone?) are representative of all women who've had affairs or are/were OW. They are merely representative of spiteful, angry people who would rather hit out than look in the mirror.

As a feminist, I agree that some of the posts made by those supportive of infidelity as a behaviour are misogynistic in language and tone. Balls in a handbag? I haven't heard such a sexist phrase since the days of Margaret Thatcher. As for the other despicable word associated with learning disabilities, I haven't heard that used since the last century.

It's just impossible to have a mature and sensible debate about this issue when people resort to personal attacks, have entrenched views based on their very narrow personal experiences - and when posters lie about their experiences and what has shaped their views.

But it shouldn't and mustn't deter posters from discussing the issues in a mature and reflective manner, although it would do some posters good to reflect on the way they present their OP and their responses to it. It still surprises me that some posters lack the sensitivity and nouse to realise that if you post provocative 'advice' of the 'keep your man happy or he'll stray' variety on a message board populated by in the main intelligent women who actually like other women instead of viewing them as competitors for men, there will be a strong reaction. Or that posters who make personal attacks or posts intending to cause offence to others, are surprised when there is a backlash.

I repeat my consistent message on this thread. Posters who are secure in their personal values and who are happy with their choices have no need to behave this way and attack others for contrary views. Those that do have far more demons to deal with than being a secret mistress, a reluctant spouse whose OM has chosen his wife or being a woman with few female friends.

See now, this is what happens when my bloody internet goes patchy.

I don't name change as I don't say anything that I won't back up - either standing by it or apologising for it. How cowardly to do otherwise.

I could defend AF and the numerous credits she has in her favour and how even when we disagree I still luff her a little bit but she's a big girl and will have no trouble dealing with it - she doesn't need my help so I'm going to say I like Sternface's post...I'm stealing it.

There was only one page of this when last I checked and couldn't be bothered to post my long winded version of 'as you expect a flaming you have negated the ability of anyone being able to get you to cop on to yourself'. I wonder if I can complain to my isp about compo for missed MN time? Hmmm

Haven't read the whole thread but got enough of the simpering of the tarts on here, so I'll say my piece.

I'm 20 next month. A few years ago I was the OW to a couple of married (older) men. Know why I did it? Because I wanted too. I had the self esteem of a..No. I had NO self esteem. It felt wonderful to be 'wanted.' It felt GOOD to 'have the power' and know he was worshipping me because I was giving him sex. It made me feel in control of my life. After awhile I realised it wasn't making me feel better, it was lowering my self esteem even more. Made me feel like a whore no matter how 'romantic' the whole situation was. I felt dirty because the whole situation WAS dirty. So I stopped and got the therapy I desperately needed.

Having read enough, I'd say the OW on here (IMO) have the same self esteem I did. WHY don't you think you're good enough for a single man? Don't you deserve to be the wife not the homewrecker? Why do you believe there is something fundamentally wrong with you not to deserve it?

If you claim you do deserve it but you love him...Well you obviously DON'T think you deserve it or you wouldn't be involved with a married man? Or you'd be expecting him to leave his wife? If you don't want a single man...What the hell kind of person are you that you feel entitled to hurt another woman so YOU are happy?

Oh and to the narcissist in denial who thinks she's 'helping' a marriage with her open legs. Wow. Wonder if you bothered to ask the wife f she feels your open legs are helping her marriage?

Okay finished the thread.

I'mNot40? All I can say is I hope you're more mature when you ARE forty.

Houseofplain-'affairs nearly always result in deceit'? They don't result in deceit they are deceitful from the start. Health risks? Yes, but only if the parties are still having sex with their wives/husbands.
Amongst my friends, those in sexless marriages far outweigh those shagging three times a week. I haven't had an affair, I have never been involved with a married man and as far as I know I have not been cheated on.
Sternface- I agree, it is impossible to have a sensible debate when people resort to personal attacks and even more so when those instigating them fail to acknowledge it.

I have emotional intelligence in spades

and that is pretty obvious in your postings

Having had a quick read of last night's postings, looks like that sugar and 40 are displaying the typical character that one would find in cheaters. I rest my case.

And I am disgusted that an extremely offensive word used to describe people with learning difficulties has been used again.

Attacking posters who have left this thread or MN is also vile.

Both of which yet again illustrate my point about OWs having issues and character failings.

Hi.. i had visitors last night.. Thanks to everyone who jumped to my defenses ..

40 Having the values to know that you won't have an affair or get involved with someone who is attached is about having boundaries .. it's a bit like going into a shop and knowing you won't steal anything .. It is just not what you are going to do. If I met someone who was attached that instantly makes them off limits no matter what tale of woe they spin

Oh, oh my goodness I've just caught up with some of the longer posts that I skimmed earlier. I have to say the irony is killing me.

This could quite easily be split into 2 threads - the adult pps (one or two ow's included might I add) and the rest of you.
I have no cheating baggage, never been a cheat, never cheated on but I can't type a serious reply because this has risen to a level of satire I've never before seen.

As far as I'm concerned the information imparted to me by the current or 'unrepentant' OW on this thread amounts to entirely this Ignore all the evidence and studies and all that science, it's all bollocks because I'm really, really special, I'm so special I can't possibly be a stereotype, we're so individual I can't be put in a box'
Yes, you are all special, special snowflakes who, at the very same time , have copious amounts of selfless maturity, nous and the very best interests of everyone at heart due to your emotional intelligence and aptitude for introspection. Lovely. I'm off to find the sensible thread because I can't laugh too loud or I'll wake the small one.

Wish there was a "like" button for NicNicJnr's post.

No, NicNicJnr, no one is saying they are special, I certainly haven't, and I don't think I am. I am the same as anyone else who has ever had an affair. That does not mean I can't post on this thread, it does not mean points I make can't be valid. I posted with good reason, because of the flack and rudness and vitriol levelled at the OP. Because I DARED to support her in any way, in terms of being riled by the way she was instantly dismissed because of what she admitted to, I too was dismissed with the same vitriol. Now I am called immature.... all because of something I did and have admitted to to a bunch of strangers who like to judge.

MN mentality all over, when the bullies club together to stamp on others who they see as instant low-lifes who can't possibly have anything useful to say. Every time, I am reminded why I hardly ever log on. It's a pointless waste of time.

40, you're immature because you're only here to spew venom and look for a fight. You're a grown woman so grow up. I was not referring to your indiscretion; but your attitude.

Imnot40yet - I'm not entirely sure if we're reading the same thing or I maybe typed in Spanish or something? If you just want to further your agenda (nice little flouncette at the end there!) then crack on, whatever jiggles your stones but there is no material known to man capable of making the stretch required to get from my post to yours. After the first 31 words you're all off on your own there.

Use my post as a platform to have a wee shout from, as you like really, but each divergence, each slightly erratic, frothy, swing from point to point further discredits your standpoint. You can do as you wish, clearly, you have as much right to be here as any I've never said any different. You can make a clear and reasoned post as to why you are where you are or you can be self-indulgently calling out all the nasty people that are bullies because they don't agree with you, or don't disagree with you in the way you want...you just can't successfully do both. I agree trying to make everyone acquiesce to your viewpoint is rather a pointless waste of time, on here as in life.
I'm not trying to stop you, I don't care enough to try and stop you. I would quite like to see the membership of this club I'm supposedly in though...and investigate their biscuit tin.