I have been here before but this is getting worse

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Im confused ATM although I shouldn't be as I knew he would get worse, i know that I should report him I don't need telling, but I want to know will it actaly help make this stop? Will it not make things worse like before, the more I reported the worse he got.
I feel so bad about myself when actaly I have been doing so well lately now I feel on the floor yet again, is this me for alowing him to do this is it me for excepting it I don't know.

I don't really even know what I'm asking even I'm just upset and am scared to do anything sorry if this makes no sense
I already kind of know what's going to be said it's just a muddle of confusion iykwim

[MushroomSoup]

What's happening?

[BertieBotts]

If your husband/partner is abusing you, then the only way to make it stop is to leave. Reporting can help with this but you're right that if you just report and there is no follow up it can make things worse, remember in their eyes, their actions are justified and so you are the unreasonable one for making a big deal of it.

Apologies if I've got the situation wrong.

[Pancakeflipper]

Leave now. Get to a safe place. Report him. I don't have a clue what's going on but it sounds dangerous.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Sorry I havnt explained a thing have I,I have already left months ago he keeps turning up here sometimes my fault I have asked him to but not today, I guess I'm sending mixed messages to him, hes angary because I have met someone else although he didn't say that.
The problem is when he starts, well after hes got angary I feel numb, speechless, quiet I go just excepting of him.
I don't even know what I'm asking sorry.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I guess what I'm asking is so far I reported things and it didn't come to anything, he's not stupid and alot of the time it's my word against his or I'm that stunned I do nothing about it, does it ever help to report him?

[keepcalmandeatcupcakes]

have you ever tried writing all the events down when they happen? So you have a diary? Of course it helps to report him , him saying no one will believe you is him trying to stop you reporting him. The more reports there are of him, the harder it will be for him to deny all.

[BertieBotts]

Can you get a restraining order?

[ImperialBlether]

Have you tried recording him? It would help you to back up what he's saying.

Does he live with you? Do you have children together?

Where's your new boyfriend in all this?

[BertieBotts]

I'll admit - it's a white lie to say it will stop if you leave, because as you've found, it doesn't always happen like that. However, once you're out of the day to day abuse situation it makes it countless times easier to protect yourself in other ways, whether that's using legal protection available to you to the extreme of moving somewhere in secret and changing your name(s) etc so he can't find you.

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I have moved out of our family home ( joint mortgage) I moved away with our children.

He's taking me to court for residency of all of them.

Bertie yes it's been easier and less frequent since we moved but he's worse than before and now he knows I have met someone else then he's s scaring me, hes not really my boyfriend, we have been out together and talk daily, we have another date set soon he knows nothing about all this.

When I was with him he didn't hit me, the abuse was in every other form but not physical really, sinse I moved it has been physical, why does he think that will make me go back , well it scares me into thinking about it tbh
X

[loganberry12]

you must get a restraining order on him and report him if he comes any where near you or the children. You have to protect your children and yourself quickly because if you say he's getting worse god knows what hes capable of. i wouldnt worry about residency award going to him for the children the court will not put children with a dangerous violent man .

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Thanks its not that easy, I had one we went to court, I got cross examined he didn't , he came out looking out like the victim,I'm sitting here now and I havnt got the strength , x he's messed up my face yet again, ready for the school run Tomorow , it's a mess x

[foolonthehill]

call police and photograph face. he is dangerous and he is obviously relying on you not reporting this time. He has left marks on you...you reaqlly really need to get this recorded and get a good lawyer to sort a restraining order.

You can't go on like this love, really you can't.

If you remain scared have you thought of a refuge for a while for moral support and protection?

[DoingItForMyself]

Yes, your face tonight is evidence, its not just your word against his anymore. Please report this, for your own sake and your children x

[Shellywelly1973]

You have to report this & get evidence of your face.

If not for yourself, do it for your dc. You deserve better then this...

[foolonthehill]

waiting for the storm to pass...sometimes you have to sail through the storm lovely...the weather is great on the other side.

Is there any RL help around you.
I know you have been in this position before but I don't think people will blame you especially given that you have children.

try not to just disappear off again. I think you can gain some help and support from here too

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

Thankyou fool, I need something, I have some support yes non from family though , this is my fault for letting him do this, I can only blame myself.I don't know where to turn and I havnt for along time.

[Victoria3012]

If you don't feel ready to report him you can get in touch with your local victim support, they have specialist DV caseworkers and IDVA's that can support you until you feel ready to take some action. You can also contact Refuge and they will help you. I work for Victim Support ( I'm the manager of a London Borough ) and my 2 IDVA's and DV caseworkers are fantastic. Please get some help and support, youre not alone and help is always at hand xx

[Victoria3012]

You do not need a Police referral, you simply call them and self refer. They will support you on the phone or meet you somewhere or you can go to the office ( feel free to bring your dc's ). They will talk through your options and IF you decide to take some kind of action will help you every step of the way including housing, police, court etc. my borough also arranges Sanctuary for DV victims and all house securiity is done ( new locks, alarms, window security etc) free of charge.Please don't think there's no way out, people really do want to help you x

[foolonthehill]

waiting people have helped you before, people will help you again. But the person who has to change is you. You need to make yourself believe that you can survive and indeed thrive without him and let people help and protect you.

Nobody can keep you safe if you won't keep yourself safe my dear. You are the only one who can keep the door shut, the phone unanswered, the non-molestation order in place.

yes i know it feels impossible but it is not....just one thing at a time...one moment without him at a time.

step out there and do it, you are risking such a lot by letting him back in. You are risking your life and the care and well-being of your DCs.

[keepcalmandeatcupcakes]

Have you contact WA for support?? I know you have left - but you are at risk, and they are there to help. Don't worry about the past - you can't change that - but you can change the future. Listen to these Mumsnetters , they have some amazing advice, places you can contact - but you can change all this, and make contact with these people.Good luck :)

[Waitingforthestormtopass]

I have had help I think there's something wrong with me, I had a good shot at getting away from him.but I havnt kept him out my new home.

What wrong with me why am I messing it all up
I'm a mess I hate it.

[foolonthehill]

You are "making a mess" because he is clever, scary and caught you when you were very young and very vulnerable. he is still inside your head and you cannot imagine life without him.

He is doing the same to your children.

Only you can make that one decision to end the "addiction" to him and keep him out.

everyone else will help, but only you can keep that door closed, keep him away and stop inviting him back.

No one can do that for you. however much we would like to.