Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

sorry Veeeeeeeeee I am and and [grrrrrrrrrrrrr].

Do you want a laugh though??? Today is NSDH's Birthday...he opened his pressies on Skype and was his usual self (for which read Dkhed) with the DCs...

my NSDBil saw fit to give us his and hers presents!!...a DIY fix your marriage book...each!!!! Have not heard from him since 8 months ago when we split (so supportive is he) I know that he and DSil have ongoing probs (brothers from the same mould but slightly different flavours IYKWIM)....

should I?........

1. ROFL or 2) burn book along with effigy of Bil or3) return to sender as being of more use in his own patch since the pot is well and truly calling the kettle black!!!!!

go for 3 and ask him to skype you when he opens it so you can watch his reaction!

don't think Bil has Skype...but perhaps he could take it to NSDH's and they could look at the books together!!!

What a lovely mental picture, two twunts with their self-help books, sitting by the fire with their pipe and slippers!

I think I will position them in deep dark cave where men of their type belong struggling to light said fire without the women of their lives around to do it for them!!!!

I am also so for you veeeee! What a turn on for you, not.

fool I would send the book back too! But only after you've written in it and underlined passages to 'help' your BIL . What a mean spirited thing to send you.

NSDH obviously thinks he's in the clear as we're talking to each other properly now. He bought me a piece of cake and a can of coke to help me study, and now the soliciting-sex moves have started. .

This morning he asked me what time I came to bed last night - I told him and asked why he wanted to know. He said "So I can check you're not working too hard." I was very and said I'd work for as long and as hard as I wanted, thank you very much. "Don't be like that" he said.

It occured to me today that I'll probably never leave him. Which made me feel a bit .

Thanks for your responses, I do wonder if it's just me being over sensitive most of the time!

nini I have that never going to leave feeling too but I think I do need to get out.

fool that book sounds like just what you need not! I wonder how much of it is actually useful?

Veeee & Nini - I think you probably will leave one day and it will be over something relatively minor - there seems to be a 'straw that broke the camel's back' scenario with these men.

You put up with so many tiny little things that make you feel bad, then the 'little' things start to get bigger and more hurtful and eventually it only takes one thing (on a day when you're feeling strong and confident) to make you see how unacceptable it all is and to spot an escape route.

Nini, even the fact that you have to accept the cake & coke as a kind gesture, while assuming that it is actually some bizarre attempt at foreplay, shows that the respect has gone. People talk about trust being the main thing you need in a relationship, but when you don't respect each other its just as bad.

Wow veeeee, and you didn't jump at the chance? Such a romantic gesture. What a complete and utter arsehole he is.
I was just !!!

And fool I second sending the book back to your NSDBil, what a stupid thing to send you since you've been split up for months.

The arrogance and stupidity of these men is unbelievable.

Doing The really sad thing is I don't need to assume the kind gesture is an attempt at foreplay, I know it is. The only time he ever buys me anything is when he's thinking about wanting sex.

This weekend has been as they always are despite my looming exam. At no point has he taken DD off my hands during the day so I could study, although granted I didn't ask him. He got the hump with me for studying again last night until midnight ("You're studying AGAIN?").

This morning I went to B&Q to get some plants for the garden and left DD with him, so he took that to mean he could then go to the pub with his mates. He arranged it while I was gone then when I got back said he was going out and "was there a time he needed to be back by". I stupidly said no, as it was about a quarter to 3 so being the idiot I am I assumed he'd be back before DD's bedtime. I don't want to be the kind of wife who gives her husband time limits to enjoy himself . DD's bedtime came and went, so after I put her to bed I started my own dinner. I started to get more and more angry - whenever he has his busiest times at work I bend over backwards to make sure I do all the housework, all the cooking and cleaning etc to make things as stress-free for him as possible. And I suddenly realised he's done nothing of the sort for me with my studying. I was livid by the time he came through the door - I gave him the silent treatment and he reverted back to type (being all mousy and badly-treated, the exact same behaviour FIL does when he's being manipulative). I'm now upstairs with my studying and quietly crying my eyes out while he's downstairs.

AIBU? I feel totally unhinged. . Somebody please talk me through this, I can't handle this.

Nini sending hugs. The thing to do at present if you can is to concentrate on the studying. Can you say what it is? Can it be part of your escape plan?

I can't give specifics pink as it'll out me to anyone who knows me, but it's work-related, and long-term will probably lead to either a promotion or a better paid job elsewhere. So potentially yes, it could be part of an escape plan, but it'll be another 2 years before I'll have it, and only then if I pass this exam and the other 3 I have to do. So not much help short-term.

It doesn't help that I'm stressed out to the eyeballs about this exam. Once it's over I should feel a bit better in myself, but I'm also aware that NSDH thinks that once the exam is done I can turn my attention back to him and start pandering to him again. Which makes me very

So when is the exam? And what specifically is stressing you out? (Studying and exams I am good at, holding down a job not so much!)

Have realised recently that ex sabotaged my last try at an academic career, by playing games on the other computer while I was trying to work. It is hard to concentrate when a voice keeps going 'not enough gold, my lord' at random intervals. He knew I didn't like it, he would have stopped (he says) if I had asked him to, my pride stopped me.

The exam is Tuesday. I've been studying for months but its a very tough subject, very low pass-rate nationally and impossible to know 'everything'. If I get certain questions I'm fine, but if the questions go against me I'm stuffed. When I was at school & uni (only a few years ago), I used to revel in exams, I usually do well in exam situations. But this seems to have sapped all my confidence. .

NSDH has definitely tried to sabotage my passing this qualification, won't go into it now but looking back to his behaviour last autumn when I signed up for it, I know now he was. I get irritated by distractions when studying, how did you not snap at him, that would have driven me nuts!

Sadly I turned it inwards, and became depressed Alright now though.

So you are alright on certain questions, but there is no guarantee they'll come up? Have you had access to past exam papers?

And is it that you need to remember a lot of specific information, or can you work things out from first principles if you know them?

Yeah I've done every past paper for the last 4 years, but they change the questions a lot. I know how to work answers in the way they want, but with the actual questions its luck of the draw unfortunately.

And it is having to memorise a lot of specific info (a lot of it's law based) rather than first principles. There are a few questions where you can 'wing' it on first principles, but mostly its specific info on pieces of technical law, or data formulae. Hope that makes sense.

Really not helping that DD won't settle tonight, and NSDH keeps popping his head in to say "Shall I settle her?"

So, I am probably teaching my GM to suck eggs but...

Mind mapping works for some people. I do similar but in more geometric format.

Get info into brain in all modalities eg look at formulae, write formulae out by hand, read formulae out loud. NLP (which I do) suggests putting things you want to remember visually in upper left visual field, so you have to move your eyes to look at it. If you can't remember a piece of info in exam, try moving eyes around - to top left, top right, horizontal left, horizontal right, bottom left, bottom right (the order doesn't really matter). This gets you to access all modalities.

I assume you know all the stuff like taking 5 min to read exam qns, blocking out time, starting with a fairly easy question, stopping when time you've alloted to qn is up, and returning to it later if time, writing stet across stuff you didn't mean to cross out?

Better let you get on with some studying!

Thanks pink I use mind-maps a lot as I find it easier to remember things visually. Never used NLP before so might take a look at that. Been reminding myself of all the usual tricks of the exam trade. I don't think I can be any more prepared, I'm just not very confident.

Yes I should be studying lol. I blame the footy for distracting me, not you!

OK then, one last thing. Circle of Excellence. Standing up, look a few feet in front of you and imagine a circle on the floor. Now see yourself, standing in that circle, full of confidence, standing tall, all the things that let you know that 'that you' over there is confident.

Then step into the circle, and become Confident You.

All the best!

nini I really hope it goes well for you. You seem to be working very hard for it so I'm sure you'll be better than you think.

I'm so sad. I'm really stressed and emotional because I'm back to work tomorrow after mat leave and have just had a huge row with nsdh. Started with him laughing at me being upset because this will show me that there is nothing to be upset about. Then moved onto how selfish I am because I'm jealous that he is going to take dd out on the 2 days he's having her this week (it's the first time he's had her for a whole day) to buy her toys. I said I'm not jealous but I'm sad because I want to see her face when she gets new stuff, I haven't been able to afford to buy her stuff and because he's never wanted to go out and do stuff like that together. Then it moves on that I'm a liar because I've never asked him to do anything

He's told me I can leave but I'm not taking her because why would anyone choose me over him.

He says I'm unstable! Am I? I don't know anymore

you don't sound unstable to me Veeeee, just normal.

You've got big changes coming and instead of supporting you and boosting you he is undermining you and planning and revelling in doing something that makes you feel marginalised...after all, the toys could have been bought together sometime over the last few weeks of your mat leave...he is choosing to sideline you and I am right at him and you have every right to feel and

Good luck with exam Nini....you can only do what you can do...keep on going, last push and all that! and don't forget to sleep and eat (now I sound like your mother....)

Do Not Repeat Not believe anything he says about you. I hope work will restore some reality in your life through interacting with people who are not fuckwits.

Get something nice for DD from a charity shop, she will like it just as much and you will get to see her face light up.