Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I have read through loads of those links while plucking up the courage to post on here! There were a lot of "yes, that's so familiar!" moments in reading through, and a sense that someone finally understood, it's true. So thank you for all that wealth of information! Although I also kept thinking that others had it much worse than I do. I don't think he descends into verbal abuse much, if at all - too keen to think himself perfect, or maybe he knows that I could call him on it in front of others, because I have done that sort of thing at times. So it's all very hard to grasp - maybe it's there and I'll notice it more now and I've just been good at normalising and downplaying it in the past.

Hmm... Am going past the library this morning - that's a good idea. I haven't noticed that Should I Stay one, I will look into that - that's the question haunting me at the moment!

Anyway, DH (force of habit :o ) is away this week (does a lot of business trips), so all is peaceful at home. And messy. Decided not to spend my life clearing up, just for a few days, and actually DO some stuff instead!

Hope you lovely women are all having good days - thanks again for letting me go on and on. Part of me thinks I'm being petty and a bit self-obsessed - but part of me has been desperate to talk about it for years! The priest who did our marriage prep said to us, if something is wrong with your marriage, never talk to a third party. Don't diss your partner to others. That has come back to me every time I've wanted to tell someone how I feel about my marriage since then. That and the worry that I just couldn't explain it in a way that others would understand. Am so relieved to be talking about it! And I still don't really know what IT is!!

wellies hooray for mess...or tidiness according to taste.

My experience is that people in normal relationships don't read the links and think...ahh yes that is familiar, they think...blimey do people really live with this thank the Lord I don't!!!! (I know because I "made" my friends and relations read it to prove to myself that everyone would recognise the behaviourand thus allow me to normalise it once again )...the only one who did recognise was my DSiL...married to my NSDH's brother....what does that tell you??

Amitola I doubt the hospice would want fraud perpetrated in their name, especially preceded by radio publicity about the sponsorship. Perhaps they could write to him, pointing out his 'oversight'.

wellies we have mostly been through the same struggle as you to grasp the nature of our relationships. I am a strong capable professional with a well paid job and a great life. But 28 years with FWH had made me bitter angry and resentful. Too many PA letdowns and too many assumptions I would do all the domestic drudgery while he got on with his career. I was in denial about it all and refused to admit to myself that I was in an awful marriage because that would be admitting failure.

I was woken from a long sleep by having a short but very passionate affair. I questioned everything in my life and went for counselling. All sorts of stuff came up. When I told FWH we needed help and why he panicked and went into major abuse mode. That made it easier to leave him.

Now nearly two years on he has calmed down again. I am feeling better now there is no cognitive dissonance in my life and have accepted I am a flawed and human being like everybody else. We are much better apart and the DC are all fine.

Take your time. Post here and we will help you spot fuckwittery. It really isn't you or you wouldn't be here looking for the answer!

It's no surprise to hear that the Catholic church prefers abusive marriages to stay a secret and for wives to accept their lot. I was in a convent for nine years as a youngster. Does that groom us for abuse perhaps??

lemondrizzled your post sounds like i could have written it!

Oh yes well aware if his finances. We had a joint bank account that he was spending rather quickly to avoid me saving up to leave. He used to use the sponsor money with the intention (apparently) of replacing it but when I reminded him to replace it his response was never pretty.

Hmm it is fraud isn't it. Maybe I should do the right thing..

He was Anglican, but conservative in his views, so similar in some ways to Catholic expectations, I think. I can't abide his views on homosexuality, but for some reason never questioned the don't talk about it philosophy until, ooh, about two weeks ago when I first saw this thread!

Haha, I went to Convent too

Don't think it matters which faith or domination.
Organized religion has always been supported by and support for those in control.
And there is nothing FWs like more than control.
This said by someone who does turn up both at Mass and Anglican Communion, and thinks that there are a huge number honest and good religious people who are (much much better than me and, no, by no means are all Catholics conservative in their outlook) exceptions to this rule - only that they only go to prove it.
What FWs want to get away with is what they think society will let them can get away with.

My db is staying. He's on the carpet playing with the dcs. I did a double take because he looks a bit like dh at a quick glance. But h only really plays with the dcs when there's someone watching (and even then, only if they've shown an interest in the dcs themselves). Poor dcs.

Hi all,
Feeling a bit down this evening.
It is the certainty that I will be moving back to Britain for the summer without seeing or speaking to FW, who, I know, will just sigh, look hard done by and say 'Oh well, what can you do?'
Still trying to sort out bills.
It is becoming more and more clear to me just how little of FWs very reasonable salary ever went into the family kitty.
My salary is not even enough to get a loan to help with the move. :(
Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself.

Oh dear fingers. Is there anyone in your family who would be able to give you a loan to move? I don't know what else to suggest.

I'm so sorry for you being in this situation

sorry you are down fingers

it seems so unfair he has done what he wants with the money for the family and now you are struggling. i hope there is a way you can find some help and support; im sure its stressful trying to sort out bills etc.

Thanks for support Today and Jan
My finances are not that much in a mess and I am old and fat and ugly enough to sort them out before they deteriorate.
Was just being a wuss and feeling sorry for myself.
I may, indeed, ask my toxic mother (that would be the one FW was so proud of saving me from) for a loan.
Anyone for a bit of irony!

Irony and goldie and bronzie arthritic :)

Needs must at times like this I've always found, god knows you've endured enough swallowing your pride with FW over the years to be an expert at it.

Just for a little while longer and slowly and surely you will build your life and finances back to where you want and need them.

The universe has a way of putting resources our way just when we need them.

Woo and wanky as that sounds I've felt more supported by life and all of its il's and downs since making the break than I ever did in the perceived safety of my relationships, strange but true for me :)

Ups FFS, not sure where the in-laws came from :)

Even toxic parents have their uses...

Will she lord it over you or say I told you so? (So what if she does btw). We could play toxic parent bingo perhaps.

I need someone to help me sort my head out

Will read through what ive missed and post properly later

Toxic Parent Bingo - great, I love a bit of Bingo.

The lovely posters on the thread I started (which gave me the strength to leave) still make me laugh at times.

'eyes down and dabbers poised for bull-shit bingo' I recall in particular.

Twas very helpful while I was in the middle of mr manipulator's best moves :)

Hello veeeee, this is an excellent place for head-sorting, read as much as you can and post when you're ready.

Bibi I've posted before but I keep dropping off because I get into the "it's not that bad is it" and "if I try harder it's ok" mindset, then something happens and I'm back here again!

The funny thing is that she probably won't. She might say no, but that's another questions.
It was FW who, a few months ago, was saying shit like
'I will make sure that the mother of my children is ok'
What kind of pukeworthy bollocks is that.
Now that would seriously play with my head.
I am up for toxic parent Bingo!
How do you play?

Hi Bibi nice to see you

I like the idea of the Universe helping out. I am scared stiff of a very large tax payment at the end of July and I am trusting providence/God/lovely parents to help out at the last minute.

My mate keeps pushing me to live in the moment and enjoy the sunshine, another beer and no consequences.
I am more of a planner, a worrier and a low risk investor. I am learning to trust it will all work out. It has so far!

We need to list some classic abuser/manipulator phrases be they from a parent or otherwise arthritic and each one you/we have said to us in RL by these people gets a dab until someone shouts HOUSE (not sure how many make up a full house)

Could make some of the utter dross we get to hear almost exciting (I know I was going 'go on, say it, please say it'in my head a few times during an onslaught just so I could report and compare to the predicted bingo responses on the thread:)

Another epic post lost, this time to you LemonDrizzled :(

It's either this site or my Internet connection, getting mighty hacked off with it now though to the point of stropping around the house and sulking

Will strop back after I've finished scarfing down my tasty Lidl pizza.