Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Randomman, you seem to be doing the right things. RESPECT is a good place to get RL voice support, and the ADAPT programme is a good start.

This change is down to YOU. You are responsible for your actions. Only you can change them.

Open up yourself to change, accept that you'll have to face some hard truths and that you'll emerge a better and more functional person to be with. Good Luck.

How times change, FWXH said that he will only be taking the dc individually from now on. What I want to do is none of his concern anymore. He has said re finances I will continue on what I am getting, he will manage on what money is left and there will be no more going into savings. Fine. But then he says that his mother loathes me so much (he didn't say that before) and considers me to be mentally unstable (takes one to know one/pot calling kettle black) after breaking contact from my family that if there is any extra profit it will go to her and fil or sil. Well now. Not sure that is part of the deal so she will keep what is rightfully her son's money to spite dil and grandchildren. Nice. I was presuming that FWXH would have enough left over to save and get himself a house...from sounds of it he will go on savings and live on shoe string budget till pil snuff it. Then sounds like he won't even inherit business! And that is what he is depending on for a pension!!

So if he is a director in the business with an equal share with his parents...surely he has to get the extra money?? They get a third each. Oh and then there is the cash in hand they get .

I'm not money grabbing...just concerned that they are pulling a fast one. Apparently he has not told anyone yet, only when he knows when he is moving in. So his mother has not had chance to move yet. Where do I get financial advise over the weekend? Have a friend who is an accountant.

Was calm, all shakey now he was so unplesant in what he said and the way he said it. Git. I know he's going to be bitter but he just keeps rubbing in how he will have no money, I will have just what I have and no extra and we will not be able to build up savings. Maybe in the hope I will go back to him so he can carry on hoarding and doing nothing with it. This has hit him hard...in the purse where it hurts him most. I just worry I will not cope on a budget. Yes its nice to be reassured by having money and its like being without a safety net right now. Need to cut right back and start saving money and claiming everything I can to make more savings. Its scary that's all. But thinking happy thoughts we have no mortgage and a roof over our heads. Damn I should have replaced cooker while we were together and got kitchen roof done.

Looks like in his mind he's doing what he can to make this as hard as possible for me. I don't like being disliked so much. He's got his mothers way of loathing someone who crosses him. There seems to be a very thin line between love and hate right now . He really seemed to get some satisfaction in telling me how little we will have. Well that is fine so long as I don't have to be with such a miserable git anymore. No more asking why I don't want sex, no more lack of affection, no more doom and gloom coming in with him, no more tidying the house before he comes back, no more the same meals day in, day out for next 50 years...

Its going to be good, everything will be fine, I will manage, I have a house and two beautiful children and supportive friends and you guys :) I will manage. I think I need hug :(

I'm money obcessed reading the above!! Maybe I am moneygrabbing...but its safety, security, I have to succeed at this, I have my dc to look after...its bloody scary and right now I've got FW in the house and that is making it all feel worse...bad vibes are being fired out by him... :(

Hi fingers and all

am having trouble with keeping everything going at the moment, yes tiredness is a big problem, also believe it or not boredom!! Unfortunately I am working a more or less 18 hour day at the mo. DCs are fine, work is ticking along but it is more of the same and I really miss talking to grown-ups and thinking, reading and making things. Sleeping poorly...keep prodding myself to see if getting depressed but I don't think so...just the sheer amount of stuff to be done and sorted and no head space at all. (Hasn't stopped me popping up occasionally to spout "foolishness" though!! so can't be that bad)

I am trying to stay positive given that I am managing to feed all of us and keep clothes on backs and roof over heads just about.

Instigates group hug for all those who feel the need tonight

fool 18 hour day...?

Hugs back :)

Only way is up...

yup and that's without doing the paperwork to extricate myself from FWH...who is mercifully quiet thank the good Lord!

Oh, and I totally get bored Fool I only ever had two young children at home, and I remember how slowly time went - sometimes whole hours would go by without the hands on the clock moving at all. I really hope you have a park near you.

Net Get thee to a shit hot lawyer pronto.

I am going to do the final paperwork on Monday.
Glad that FWH is keeping quiet Fool There is some adult company you do not need.
FW here is also maintaining radio silence. My theory is that there is nothing in FWs head. It is all about him and how everything I do can and will be my fault.
I know that King Canute effectively proved the uselessness of trying to prevent the inevitable, but I really do feel like screaming and screaming at the unfairness of it all.
Fool to prove the utility of your interventions, could you repost your list for those who are only just about out?

??this one??

After leaving an abusive relationship

1. Understand that leaving the abuser will not magically solve all problems; it was the beginning of your journey, not the end.

1. As much as possible, focus on what you see and think rather than what you feel. Your feelings can be expected to swing wildly, and are not going to be reliable guides in every instance. It is very common after leaving an abusive relationship for feelings of love for your abuser and mourning of your relationship to make going back into that situation seem very attractive or even necessary. One of the most important things you can do is to be honest with yourself and look at the hard cold reality of where you are and work with what is, rather than what might have been.

1. Be prepared for your abuser to experience a "miraculous recovery". You may see tears. You may get presents; you may get wonderful sounding apologies?perhaps publicly and embarrassingly. You may hear all the things you?ve said you wanted but never heard before. However, beware because none of that matters if your abuser hasn?t sought counselling on his own and stuck with the counselling for at least one year.

1. Give yourself some time before you consider starting a relationship with someone else. People, like water, seek their own level, and the sort of person you will attract and be attracted to early in your recovery is not the sort of person you will be attracted to (or even interested in) after healing.

1. Fill your time with friends and family who are supportive of your decision to escape the abusive relationship and with activities that you enjoyed before your life was overtaken by your abuser.

1. Begin or resume physical exercise, it is an excellent way to burn frustrations, depression and calories.

1. Read a book on recovering from emotional damage. Your local library or victim services agency can assist you in choosing appropriate titles.

1. Seek counselling from a reputable victim services agency or private mental health professional who is experienced in working with victims of abuse.

1. Spend quiet time with yourself to think, plan, dream and appreciate the unique person you are. You did not deserve to be abused, no one ever does.

Source: The Pyramid of Escape; Las Vegas Metro Police Department

That's the one. Thanks Fool

Things any better today, Fool.
Is there any chance that someone could come round for the day to help watch the children? Anything to break the grind?

Just popping my head round the door, Fool that is mad amount of work. But so good nothing from FWXH.

Hadn't seen that list before arthritic and fool thank you (esp about the dating, just how I met all my bf's!!). I will get my love from dc and pets and friends. POSITIVE love garenteed. I know not all men are the same and due to my abusive childhood I am attracted to the wrong men. But I do feel I will never believe another man again. Or believe he is with me because of who I am, not for having sex with. :(

Going to avoid councelling, been to a psychoanylasist before about family, he did not agree with me splitting from them...I ended up leaving as I was getting no where with him. Can't even split from a councellor...let alone the wrong person :(

ANd when you say shit hot lawyer, do you mean a solicitor? (thickie emotion) are they the same or different?

Hello, great thread. I am quite new to realising that i am in an EA realtionship. Thanks very much to foolonthehill for all the references.
The youarenotcrazy website had me in tears as i thought "oh my god i am not imagining all of this"

I had already bought and started reading
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels thanks to a recommendation on another thread.

Problem is we are both EA. Mine is due to being physically abused by my mother during childhood and a lot of the anger related to that. I have been having therapy on and off (currently on) about that. For a long time i sort of thought it was okay to hit someone when you were lashing out in anger (which is basically what my mum did to me.)

I had never actually hit anyone in a relationship before, the last time was probably growing up (early teens) in a fight with my sister. Usually i would just fly off the handle and be argumentative very easily.

From everything i have now read, i see that DP has been pushing my buttons to provoke reactions in me as he knows everything about my past, so that when i react (less so now) he can have the moral high ground and make me look like the nutcase and i have been doubting myself and trying to fix myself so that our relationship can improve as i have felt it is my fault.

In the Beverley Engels book what she said resonated with me. We stay in abusive relationships to fix what we missed out on in our childhood.

I met DP late in life and he "gave" me what i wanted the most, a child, our lovely DS now 20 months. The difficulty is that we live in france and are in the process of renovating our dream house.

It is beautiful, but the dream is more I just want a family home; due to my dysfunctional childhood (we never all sat down together as a family to watch TV or have meals; apart from when there were "guests").

Also settling down late in life, (Whilst everyone around me was settling down having families i felt like i spent a decade alone) i have sort of desensitized myself to 90% of the arguments and therefore to DP, so that i have this facsimile of the life i want.

Is quite cathartic and revealing even to myself to stay put. I am not happy, but yesterday the penny dropped that DP doesn't think he has a problem (it's just me) and also the man who wooed me 4 years ago will never reappear as i can never bring myself to be the adoring woman (towards him) i once was.

So for now, I muddle along. the arguments, verbal denigration, provocation flare up from time to time, i talk to a couple of confidantes and fantasise about leaving and being mentally and emotionally free. then it is tolerable again. but my respect (what little there is) and residual love for DP is chipped away a bit more and he wonders why i love DS more than him....

Welcome Romilly and :( that you have to be here.

dh was meant to be going on a separate hol. he kept going on about wanting to go - so i sorted it out in my head, made plans for myself, then he turns round when i said that was ok and said he had no intentions of it and sorry it came across that way, that its too short notice. then he wonders why im annoyed - a complete waste of my time - i talked to the counsellor about my plans too. i just do not understand him. it was like he was blaming me cos he thought i didn't want him to go away, but when i said i was ok with it then he just changed his mind. i do not understand him at all. so now my week of peace is gone, my own holiday plans are gone. he wants me probably to go away with him but i don't really want to take the risk. i still want to work on our marriage but its not the right time to go away together with a baby. sometimes i feel like im going crazy. he is so nicey nice in between arguments and because i can't be nice back as im so upset, he makes it feel like its me thats the problem. then im confused who is the problem. im not very well myself at the minute with a health problem and its all quite difficult.

Hi Romilly and welcome,

I don't know what advice or support you need. It is so very hard living with these abusers, but when it's good with them it's lovely, that's what pulls (hoovers) us back time after time.

The abuser will never think it's their fault, I used to blame myself or make excuses for my X all the time. Oh, he's tired, he's hungry, he's worried about something that he won't tell me about, I've done something wrong, and so on.

I talked about leaving my X for years, but I was never brave enough. I had nothing (he wouldn't let me work) and nowhere to go (parents live overseas). I felt helpless for years, and that resulted in me staying with him for a lot longer than I should have. I only left once I had my son, as I didn't want him growing up thinking that sort of behaviour was normal.

I can't advise you about leaving, because I don't know what you want. Do you want to go, or do you want to stay and try and make it work? The fear surrounding leaving is immense, and it takes courage and bravery to do so. If you need help like that then this is the place for you.

Anyway, welcome.

jan you can have an opinion and make a decision of your own over DH and the holiday you know. He was probably saying he would go away without you expecting you to beg him not to and "stop him going" so he could blame you when he didn't get to go. You stepped back and didn't do what he expected.

Now you have the opportunity to say what you want, not just wait for him to make another decision affecting you. Take a bit of control!

lemon yes i think he was taken aback as soon as he realised i was giving him the go ahead and then backed out.
as i have been quite down about our whole situation, he keeps saying stuff like i have to focus on the positives and stop focusing on the negatives. he says 'i can't be that bad a person'. he thinks cos we have a good few days here and there that i should be happy all of a sudden. i do get very confused. i told him as soon as there is consistent change then i will have reason to be positive and happy. maybe he really is changing and he really isn't that bad....still i know he has the capabilities to say really hurtful things to me...but if he is changing i need to leave all that behind, and be positive. sorry if this isn't making any sense.

OK Hand show
O Wise Women who among us has not been told this:
'i have to focus on the positives and stop focusing on the negatives'?
and this:
'i can't be that bad a person'?
Whose FW has thinks this:
'cos we have a good few days here and there that i should be happy all of a sudden.'
Who of us does not:
'get very confused.'
Do not ALL FWs have
'the capabilities to say really hurtful things'
And don't we all:
'need to leave all that behind'
And by 'all that' we mean ALL FWs
Don't worry Jan your post could not have made more sense to us.

Hand up here fingers! Heard all of those - the only one I havn't is 'I can't be that bad a person' as NSDH won't even entertain the thought that he's anything less than perfect. Jan keep talking, the ladies here have a fantastic way of helping de-fog all the mental confusion.

NSDH took DD to see FIL today (claimed it was to give me a break when we both know it was because he wanted to see FIL and give him his father's day present - it twists the knife that he cares so much when I got nothing on Mother's day). Everytime he goes he always comes back without something, or having broken something, or last time DD can back with a whopping big bump on her head coz they hadn't watched her properly & she fell on pavement). So as he leaves I reminded him of all those things and he told me to calm down and stop being all 'mother hen'. I told him I just wanted him to do his job properly.

So when he comes home as soon as he gets through the door he says "I don't want this to cause an argument but...", always music to my ears . Turns out he left DD's beaker behind. I have a spare but it still ticks me off - like I said EVERY time its always SOMETHING. I wasn't happy I admit - he kept saying it was just an 'accident' (EVERYTHING is ALWAYS a fucking ACCIDENT!!!) and he said it was ok as FIL has it (who lives 1 hr drive away). I then asked what was going to happen - was FIL going to post it or make the trip down to drop it off or what. He went silent and hasn't mentioned it again. Now he's gone down the pub.

I sound like a horrible person but I'm fed up of having to suffer because of his 'accidents'. I want to ask him when he's going to step up and take responsibility for his actions. But it sounds so petty just over a beaker. He acts all cowed and downtrodden when I get annoyed with him and it makes me feel like I'm being EA.

Am I being petty? I'm going out of my mind stressing about everything (my exam is week after next aswell) and I can't handle it. I'm sitting here still feeling like I wish I was dead. I could sleep and never wake up.

My FWX does this. Every time my son comes home from visiting his dad something is missing or broken. I had an idea. Now every time he goes to his dad's I write a list (with a copy for me) and give it to his dad, everything he takes with him so nothing will be forgotten again. I've also told him I can text him the list if he 'loses' it. Sorted. Doesn't work for broken stuff, but nothing gets left behind anymore. He has no excuse for 'accidentally forgetting' it .

That's a good idea today although I know NSDH would just use that as a 'funny' to tell all his friends to get them to laugh at me.