This moves so fast! Liking the geese btw...
Thank you MissFaversam, Umbrella and Outofthequandry
Arthriticfingers - my dh helped me escape my family, it was the main reason I stayed with him...but then gave me no emotional support after separating from them.
Nini I used to stay alive as a child and into my adulthood for my pets sake...wasn't close enough to a person to want to stay for them. I don't think of suicide anymore now that I have children. If I didnt have them...I don't know...I think I would have to leave the country and make a busy life for myself in an exotic place! Or top myself!
Despite his efforts with the house work yesterday and saying he loved me, I still just feel very resentful towards him. I stayed in kitchen most yestereday evening, when I went through to the living room he asked if I wanted to sit next to him and I just said 'nope' and carried on reading (silent treatment is horrible and abusive I know) and he took his book and went to kitchen with it then to bed early. This morning he had finished breakfast by the time I got down and was sat with door shut in living room and left house without saying bye to me or girls.
I feel evil. I should not give him the silent treatment but all this change should have been made YEARS ago, not now. Everytime I have asked in the past he has palmed me off with heartbreak with ex gf's, his bad back, me putting him off by my demeanor, those are the excuses I remember for the total lack of affection. THen he still wants sex everyday (doesn't get it, I used to do it relatively regularly when I didn't want to so as not to provoke a discussion about it, but I used to cry afterwards, felt dirty.) I should have tried harder years ago to assert myself but everytime he would make me feel like I didn't know what I was talking about. He's always right and that includes about my feelings.
Anyway he's very sad now and depressed from his demeanor, and i have got a text from him to put some time aside tonight after bedtime (presume the dc bedtime) to talk about something important. I just replied 'ok'.
I spoke to my mate this morning and she pointed out I should not talk in front of dc (she's 3 not 2 like I said, trying to hide myself!). I'm certain she's not taking in what I'm saying...but she pointed out she probably was. Ok, will be more careful. And that I just should not have got together with h in the first place after the things he had said (ie having sex with unconcious/on drugs gf, hitting women was alright if they spoke to you disrespectfully) I did used to laugh off what he said cause I could not believe he was serious. So yes I should not have got together with him in the first place. There were a number of occasions I thought of walking out but didnt as we were so compatible (or so I thought at the time) in other ways. The lack of affection was not showing back then, he was dominant but I considered that a bit of a joke, he was so certain about this being 'it' too it got me convinced. But I still knew I was not completely happy about things he had said, I started to be unhappy about the dominance (but not really until dc1 came along) and he was so like my dad.
So to sum up my long ramble, I knew things were not right, but he still felt right. I thought I could fix things. But no matter what I said I could not get my point across to him, he won every argument (very like my sister in that respect). I would have left after dc1 but I kept putting it off as not having a good enough reason to leave and leave dc1 without a dad. Then we had always agreed to have dc2 after 3 years and I felt there was not enough to leave for still, if I refused to have dc2 it would provoke a discussion of what was wrong and whatever I said was always wrong in his eyes so I did not feel there was any point saying anything and I felt sad at dc1 maybe never having a sibling, I didn't want her alone in the world. Hence dc2...then he completely neglected me after dc2, he was with dc1 all the time, and dc2 didn't sleep through night for 2.5 years...and in the whole time he looked after her one night. I was tortured with lack of sleep and he did nothing to help...only to suggest I shut the door and leave her to it. That was his only answer which I was not willing to do. And he would not offer any compromise. And he said I was the one who kept him awake at night (even when he appeared to sleep though the night and I was the one up 3 times for a couple of hours each time).
That was a good sum up 
. He complains that I'm tired when he walks in the door and why should I be tired (that came up yesterday) apparently I should not be tired...
My mate is right I should not have got with him but I was desparate to escape from family and be loved...
Thanks for anyone reading that lot...just need to have it out somewhere...going to meet another friend this afternoon for more (positive support). Feel upset at other friend, was hoping for support but she seems irritated at me not talking to h about my feelings (I TRIED! and yes I could have tried harder at times but just felt tongue tied before I started) before and being with him in the first place knowing what I did. Feel like I'm in wrong and now justifying myself.
Okay going now, I'm driving myself mad wondering now.