Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

I've missed you on this thread, but, hey, as they say at the beginning of Season 6 of 'House' to those leaving the psychiatric hospital:
'We wish you well, and we hope to never see you again'
Although dropping in is allowed! :)

A holiday has been booked and paid for Arthiritic and the kids are sooooo looking forward to it. His youngest DS and my DS are the same age the other two of his are much older. If I don't go my DS doesn't get a holiday and his DS will have no-one to hang out with.

It's only 6 weeks away. With boyfriend out of my house now and re-instated at his dads, things will be much easier not under the same roof with him, just seeing him twice a week. Who know's now with me reading up on things and putting strategies it could slowly but surely turn around or have a better ending.

"putting strategies in place" of course

after another argument with dh today in which i explained the effect that our relationship was having on me everytime things blew up i just got told i am 'dramatising things' and basically he acted like i was talking rubbish. if things are so perfect, why have we been seeing a marriage counsellor, why have i been on the verge of leaving so many times, and why is he seemingly oblivious to it all. why does he just seem to forget week by week all the 'blow ups'. sigh.

jan2011 - he's not forgetting, he's minimising it because if he admits how much it's affecting you, he has to take responsibility for what his actions are doing, and face up to things, which I guess he's not ready for yet. What do you want to happen from here on in? Can you draw your line in the sand and tell him it's really important to you that it's adhered to, and what the consequences will be if it's not?

MissF - that sounds a difficult one. Would your head allow the possibility of it not happening? That way, if things really do get worse between now and six weeks' time, you are prepared to say 'going would be a nightmare, I'm not putting myself through it'? Or if you do go, having strategies in place is a great idea.

I have bitten the bullet and told FWH that I've seen a house. Since then I've had 7 texts from him one after the other (some I've replied to, some not), all along the same lines: all about him. How he's primed and ready to progress but waiting a month will drive him crazy. How he's lonely. How he doesn't think it'll work with both of us living separate lives in separate houses. How he's struggling to cope now that I've told him this, because everything's up in the air and we don't have a plan (despite the fact that I told him from the beginning of all this that my plan was to rent somewhere). I'm feeling a little but maybe that's a good thing, I seem to cope with his fuckwittery and manipulation much better when I'm than when I'm all .

Anyway, he's taking me out to dinner tonight (thought I might as well get that birthday meal as promised, allbeit a week late) and wants to discuss a 'plan' before we go anywhere, so we'll see what transpires...

pony thanks so much for replying. he is away out with baby to his mums (after a fight because he's too tired even though he is off for the summer) and im sitting in tears - as usual the only time i ever get a couple of hours to myself i end up upset because of everything.

i have already drawn lines in the sand and said if things don't improve im leaving - things haven't followed through. but after the summer (when he said he can't go to counselling anymore and 'then what am i going to do'? ) well i said then if things haven't got better im leaving. its so hard. i spoke with WA and they said not to let him know i was applying for houses because if he thinks im serious he will be nicey nice enough to stop me, then the pattern will continue after awhlie. do you think that will happen to you now that your dh knows what you are thinking?

i hope you enjoy your Bday meal you deserve a night out and to be treated well

Yes Ponygirlcurtis, I am starting to explore a Plan B if things get difficult. I know things will be ok on the actual holiday as BF will be on his best behaviour in front of the kids.

It's always life about "them" isnt huh.

Sorry I need help again. Had discussion with h today and he's done that emotional twisting thing again.

He said when he spoke to me the other day (which left me shaky) he was speaking to me 'forcefully' to put his opinion across, it was not meant as a threat, the same as the time before. I told him I found him threatening and he sat down to show he was not being threatening. We talked of many things, each time he had something of his own to say either that he felt the same way as I do (ie frustrated angry) or some discription of my behaviour he felt was wrong. He did a loooonnnggg speech on how disorganised I am and ineffectual round the house. HOw I was always stressed when he comes home and the children 'bothering me' was my fault, he never has that problem because if they bother him he says he will shut the door on them, they know this so don't bother him (when he does jobs ie do lunch, that is all he does). He believes that he has taken over my mothers role in our family to enable me to stay away from her. WTF. I agreed to break contact from my mum. He has some belief, I'm still not sure entirely what he meant, that my mother would usually look after the children when I got jobs done on an evening and at weekends? Does anyone else experience this??? I never asked him to do this, I do tell him to go do something when I'm less harrassed but he always refuses as he has nothing to do?! Sorry its so hard to read this....I'm just blurbing out what I can remember. Anyway, he feels resentful as he is doing my mothers job and we're the only family he knows that have the father in that role. I told him that he has lived in this small town all his life and has not seen the outside world (like bloody royston vasey here) and that dads do what he does AND help with housework when needs be AND do DIY...that my friends husbands do all that AND they have family on the doorstep. Further more my mate has a similar job to his (tiredness wise) and she still manages to look after kids and do housework and diy even!! I think I was quite good in my arguments. He kept trying to go off at tangents...I think I managed to catch them all and bring him back to the main theme. It ended with him looking very depressed/dishrevelled/hurt/sad etc and telling me that he loves me, that is why he is going to do all these jobs (housework) he totally disagrees with (as he does not want to be drawn into my chaoctic world) because he loves me.

I think that about sums it up. He is out now till 630ish with kids at his mums (apparently he looks after kids all wkend...his MOTHER looks after dc2 and dc1 is at lessons so he sits in car waiting! Something I have offered to do but he refuses!)

I'm all confused, been texting friends but they will be busy with tea as will all you and I'm reading Lundy and I'm just desparate. He kissed me for ages after all this, and I just hated every second. What makes it worse is I rang wikivoce (divorce website) for help and the lady ended up suggesting that as he wanted to still work at marriage I should too...and she seemed really disbelieving about him being threatenign, I think she just thought I was moneygrabbing as I was asking about money and the house...I just care what happens to me and the kids afterwards...as long as we have roof over out head and enough money for food and clothes and their activites I don't care...

I really want to ask him to leave but if he still wants to work at it, if i have misunderstood him and he really does mean all this am I not being the unreasonable one?? But I really don't want him near me especially when he tells me he loves me. prefer it when he's gloomy.

what do i do?

Oh netcurtains, I'm here for you (a bit useless at the moment as things are hitting me in waves) but just wanted to say you don't have to kiss him if you don't want to, really you don't sweetheart (I felt yuck there for you) the last time bf and I had sex I wanted to chop it off really I did, it feels like a violation doesn't it.

You can also ask him to leave you know for a while.

I'm sure one of the more knowledgeable people will be back shortly. Just wanted to say something to you and give you a

Thankyou thankyou thankyou for replying! Hope your okay? Laughed at chopping it off...sex used to be good like someone above said about their relationship but now I'm so unhappy with him I don't want him and today is the second time I've felt revolted by kissing him. Its when he's sad and 'loves' me that really makes me want to vom...is that strange?

I want to ask him to leave but I'm scared. I don't think he would turn on me but it would mean a) him getting upset (then I would want to lie through my teeth and say that I love him) b) upsetting children, what do I tell them...and just the upheaval and clothes taken out of wardrobe, and the children realising and getting upset and crying and oh god why did I marry him...

I feel like I'm in the wrong, feverishly reading Lundy and hoping that I'm not making things up...that I'm the one with the problem. Looked up 'hoarding' last night and I may well have a problem...but only with dc pictures and clothes...the rest I would get rid of but never get round to it...see disorganised like he said.

Oh net that all sounds such hard work! This man is meant to be your friend and helpmeet not someone you have to argue with well and defend your standards of housework. No wonder he makes you feel bad!
What are his parents like?? Has he got a very oldf-ashioned idea of what mothers and fathers do?

You do know you can say you don't feel like kissing? It isn't compulsory and
after all he said (and saying he loves you doesnt cancel out all the criticism) who would want to be kissed?

Maybe he would be better off going back to mother and leaving you to your chaotic world (which I'm quite sure is not!!)

Just keep observing and processing and it will all become clear!

Thankyou Lemon! Very grateful for any replies, I feel like I'm not honestly reporting what was said, or being accurate, and that I'm twisting the whole thing and trying to make everyone sorry for me when I'm the problem. He makes me feel that I AM the problem. If only I did housework, I don't do much, I admit that...I should do more but I just don't care.

He works with parents and aunt and sister. I'm guessing that is where his viewpoint comes from. When I mentioned him being at birth for dc1 he was gobsmacked, in his words 'i thought the father sat outside the room smoking a cigar?'. Does that answer your question about being old fashioned

I like the 'I don't feel like kissing'. I did say that and did say after what he said I didn't feel like it, he explained a bit more then basically puckered up...did not feel like I could say no when he is being so reasonable about me getting cross with him. I did ask wasn't he cross with me with all that I had said and he said no because it was just a disagreement and he listened to what I had said and he was willing to make changes that he disagreed with because he loves me. THen puckered up. How could I say no after him being so sweetly reasonable...and I had raised my voice to him. He just seemed calm and ok with it all. I'm going mad....

Net The only to look at all this is from a distance.
I ended up on antidepressants for six months. Ok they really did help clear my head, and I am grateful to them
BUT, the day I kicked FW out, I looked at them and felt like I was looking at aspirin when I didn't have a headache - good to have, but Why The Fuck would you take an aspirin if you don't have a headache.
Wound them down gradually, as you are supposed to, and never looked at them again. Yes, I have felt very sad and anxious over these last two weeks, but NOTHING like the terrible feeling of hopeless desperation I felt before - that left with FW.
FWIW, I, too have had a letter from FW.
HE feels terrible. HE feels an awful sense of loss. Followed by a phone call when FW told me that HE had a lot to deal with - what with coming to terms the 'absurd' situation which he 'found' himself in
The letter ended with FW telling me that 'I could always count on him bitter
It is a bit like a mugger offering to come shopping with you to help you choose a new purse. Once you had 'got over the mugging' and saved up the money to buy yourself a new purse.
FWs - you really couldn't make them up.
That is why the woman thought you should 'help your FW work at your marriage.
Work us fing over, more like it.
Talking of which, FW is silent on the future. F knows what is in his F*ed up head.
Sorry , really must sign up for a refresher course in French.

Fingers, I have not left this thread, far from it, I lurk every day, keep a general eye...

I'm not doing too well at the moment, but for fucked up Family reasons. This is taking most of my brain power, hence me dipping in and out. Posting when I feel I may have something that may offer some comfort.

I've checked into Stately Homes, but don't really feel at home there yet. My family's treatment of me was emotional neglect/light weight abuse really, it groomed me for what and who I am today.

My MN Name may be a bit of a misnomer for me atm tbh, but I'm hoping that once through this shite, it'll fit better.

On the positives.... I dunno if I mentioned here or on t'other thread that I gave a presentation (well participated in one) to GPs to help them help potential victims of DV. It went very well.

I also wrote a guest blog post for friend on the subject of the Telegraph's piece on Divorced Mothers being placed under travel ban/curfew for breaking court appointed contact arrangements. (There was a thread on AIBU IIRC) Ok, so the article was a pile of F4J suck up BS, and the Govt ideas complete bunkum, but it gave me some space to talk about the DV angle and ultimately, as a result, may have got the DV Victims group I attend someone to build their much needed website. I'm so very happy with this development. I will carry on working hard to promote and raise awareness of this group, soon to be charity in it's own right!

Pony: My love, you have been out for SUCH a short time, I was a BASKET CASE for a good few months after TF left. Be kind to yourself and surround yourself with those that support you, that make you feel better about you. Pony, if you are anywhere near Hampshire, PM me. I mean it!

You going to your mums is not something a TF will take seriously. He thought you would be gone for a few days, till you calmed down and got over yourself, then perhaps a few weeks, and now that you are saying to him that you are looking at houses, he is seeing that you really aren't just having a 'special moment'. He's panicking as he may be losing you.

The panic will rise, be ready. Don't commit to anything, tell him you need 24 hours notice of ANYTHING he brings up that he wants a response to and post on here if you need advice! Expect the unexpected. It's part of the abusive game, he will go on charm offensive to reel you back in.

I learnt that my family all had a vested interest in my misery and on some levels will continue to do so. I know I have to step away from them all one by one. I'm almost there. The next 6m will be interesting.

I'm anticipating that they will put a hell of a lot of pressure onto me to keep me... but by the same token, it may be that they just let me go, like my dad has clearly done. I think they will go for the most painful manner... whatever they see that to be. My happiness is a HUGE threat to them. So, 2 out of 3 so far... Remains to be seen how it'll turn out with mum... Although I think I'm kidding myself, and I think I'll know that she too will turn her back again on me. I'm fairly sure that she will throw all the money stuff in my face, but I will have answers to that.

I just need to come up with a few plans for Christmas that don't involve my family.... that will be hard and I think that will cause ructions. Fingers crossed New Bloke is on hand, I'll see what we can throw together to get me away from it all, if not, I will go and freeze my behind off a damp cottage in North Wales. :D

Maybe I'll invite new bloke and he can keep me warm....

Ahh, meant to say (apologies, boring MYSELF here!)

I too thought I was depressed at times, but the thing is, we SHOULD be feeling desolate, we have had our hopes, our families ripped to shreds.

Our confidence has been shattered, we have been conditioned and groomed to believe that we CAN'T survive out on our own etc etc etc. We've been fed a pack of lies for DECADES, perhaps our entire lives....

It's OK to feel bereft, sad, destroyed, tearful, like breaking down etc. We have EARNED that right to lose it. It would be MORE worrying if we DIDN'T feel the way we do.

Give yourselves time, you are ALL stronger than you think you are. Keep talking to us, call WA if you need a RL voice and you will ALL come through this.

quick post, he's back, arthritic, thanks, your depressants reminds me of how pointless councelling was once I broke contact with my mother. Didn't feel better though...just destroyed.

Happyhissy, I've been off statelys thread for a long time but I doubt from experience that your abuse was lightweight...it always hits you hard from the people who should love you the most. I wanted to kick h into touch after dc1 was born but as I was breaking contact with my family and had few friends I could count on I was sure it would break me and make me seem like a madwoman. So you are amazing having both to deal with...wish I had done the same. You can do it... :) I was very guilty after breaking with my mother, but it was the best thing to do and I would not go back.

Oh and you won't believe this, rather spooky really. I was thinking blimey most of the time I don't have the energy or the words to voice my upset when my boyfriend says something mean in jest or moans and it popped into my head to say "ouch", then low and behold in a book I'm reading she said that a lot of people do this.

It's so easy isn't it and it explains so many things in one tiny easy to say little word! I'm going to do this until my "spaggetti head" clears.

Shall we give it a go? what do you think?

Oh, and if he say's what are you going on about, you're standing right near me with no sign of doing something to hurt "yourself" you can just say "no, you're the one that has just hurt me" and walk away.

He may even shake his head and say something like "you're mad you are".. but you will have gone away by then and won't hear him.

I started to "retaliate" with worse words and become the "bad one"in instant retaliation and feel just like you netcurtains.

Ouch is a reactionary word but so innocuous (can't spell that) that you won't have to feel bad.

Hey everyone, just a passing visit. Havn't had the chance to read up on what I've missed but will do so tomorrow.

Feeling possibly even worse since I last posted, and for no real reason, nothing has really happened. Everything has got on top of me - work is shit, I hate my home, I hate my relationship, I have no support and no-one cares. I honestly wish I was dead.

This isn't attention-seeking, I'm not expecting any response, I'm in no danger of doing anything to myself. I don't know why I'm posting this. I just hope the rest of you are doing better than I am right now.

Nini, one of those days huh. see you do have it.

My day hasn't been as bad as yours sweetheart but I did go to sainsburys today and buy "kind to my bum tissue" due to IBS upset. Was scared I'd crap myself and it falling on floor due to not wearing and knickers!

Haven't posted in here for ages, and am now leaving FWP. I told him last night after The Chat in which I told him that I don't want to be with someone who has such a low opinion of me and who can only become sexually aroused by hurting people. He discounted all of that and then reiterated his point that everything is my fault because I'm selfish and don't love him and he made life far too easy for me. Nonetheless I felt sad seeing him sad, and hope we can keep things reasonably amicable for the DCs.

We haven't negotiated maintenance yet, and I feel sick. It's his key opportunity to make life difficult now and he knows it. I've been working freelance for his company for a few months and am owed a few ££££ which he is mysteriously delaying signing off.

He was nice enough this morning but has been vile tonight, complaining about how there's no food in the fridge when he knows that the weekly shop is tomorrow (and there's loads) and accepting my offer to cook him supper then walking in halfway through and deciding to cook something else because I'm such an idiot I haven't used it.

I haven't told my parents yet because they're on holiday and will rush back and overreact but I wish someone could handhold me through all the admin involved in leaving. Until the fuckers pay me I can't pay the deposit and rent on a house.

Upside: I am free. And that feels amazing.

dh been confusing me all day. unless i just go along with what he wants with no opposition, he argues with me and upsets me. then he says it is me who is arguing. so i just give in...to what he wants to hear.

ive read a lot of this thread and so sorry for all you all are going through, you are such lovely people and deserve better.

i feel im losing out on my life. every time we have an upset i end up depressed (recently had to increase my ADs) and have no motivation to go and see my friends etc. he says he's not stopping me getting a 'life'. but in a way he is because im always too upset after a fight/recovering from a fight, or an unreliable friend because of the way our relationship is. he makes me feel like its my fault. he says 'its not my fault you can't cope' as he can cope very well with constant arguing. im so confused at times over whose fault it all is.

Big hugs of well done to you detached! Stay with that feeling as long as possible sweetheart, rooting for you.

The fuckers will HAVE to pay you and holding your hand until they do.

netcurtains i understand completely you sound like i did thinking i was twisting everything making it up remembering wronglt stay strong hugs!