Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Tell all MissFaversam (or as much as you want to). And well done!

I know its only a site name but it was MY site name IYKWIM. It's the one I came on here with and it feels like I no longer want to hide if that makes sense?

Hello Miss Faversham. I hate to see another one, but am pleased to see one breaking free if you see what I mean.

Are you wearing a wedding dress made of broad beans?

I am usually 'me' unless security is briefly v important.

Broken free anastasia never means that i was ever stronger than someone that doesnt. there are many reasons why someone stays. I was lucky that I didnt have any children with him and my son and i were well established before he came into out lives, I didnt suffer from depression etc either, or I didnt have abuse in my young years where things are being "knotted" if you know what I mean.I was in my former years "ish" and wanted something to work very badly.

Hello MissFaversham,
Welcome and :( that a FW got in to your life.

I think you may have confluffled some people here Miss F...glad to have you here as you!!

well done, well done. Hugs

and maybe your stomach ache has gone now that you have kicked him into touch??? Or am I barking up the wrong tree??

Sorry to post and run about just me me me when there are so many people struggling at the mo, but wanted some input if anyone's around.

Things have been good in the last week with FWH. He seems to be stepping up to the mark and making some of the efforts that I've asked him for. I gave him the chapters from the Lundy book, he initially dismissed them but has now read them and sent me a long email taking full responsibility for how his awful behaviour 'eroded our relationship' (his words), for not sorting out his control issues sooner when it was obvious he needed to, how he is ashamed of how he has acted, and detailing all the changes he is making, and the ways he intends to behave differently. I so needed to hear all that. He's been attentive, loving, and caring in the last 5 days.

Anastasia's post from a few days ago about feeling she had to confess about part of her bond with her ex being sexual - it rang a lot of bells. And it came just a couple of days after me & FWH ended up having a pretty passionate kiss , and we've had a bit of a pash every time I've seen him since then, it's absolutely toe-tingling. I think that has a lot to do with how things have changed since then, but I'm unsure why, on his part, although I want to believe it's because he suddenly realised how much he had with me. Part of me just wants to run home now he seems to have changed so much. Part of me still thinks he'll be pushing at my boundaries so I need to stay on my own till we can establish whether this change in perspective has 'taken'.

Part of me is elated about the changes in the FWH. Part of me still feels pretty depressed. I'm seeing a rental house to view today that is perfect for me and the boys, and I should be happy about that too, but I just feel scared and overwhelmed.

But the thought of leaving him with a half-empty house after I take my furniture makes me want to cry. And the thought of going home and it being in any way like it was before makes me feel sick. I just want to stick my head in the sand, it would be so much easier if he didn't want us to try and make a go of things and we could have a clean break.

Hi Pony
Wow, I hope he stays that nice for you. Sometimes men realise what they've done and can genuinely change. I will be very happy for you if that is the case.
However, I told my FWX what he was doing, he was lovely for a while, and then little things crept back in until he was as bad as ever, or even worse.
Not to put a damper on things, I really do hope it works out okay for you, it's so nice to be treated properly.

ponygirl I think you may still need time to become strong in yourself, rather than thinking about him too much. Renting a place may seem daunting, but you only ever have to take one step at a time, and you will find that being in control of your own life is very empowering. If you have an assured shorthold tenancy, then that gives you (both) 6 months of self-reliance.

On a different note - Done It! Keeping house! Date for cocklodger to be gone by! Compromises but nothing I'm not reasonably happy with. couldn't have done it without you

Pink Yey!!! break out the

pink champagne anyone??

Yaaaaaay Pink! You sound elated, am v pleased for you. That's great that you can keep the house. When does CL go?

I understand what both you and TAGD are saying - I am a little fearful of a return to form if I move back, plus I do feel like I need some space of my own. But I wouldn't be able to move in for over a month - end of July - which seems ages, and then it's 6 months at least from then. If I could move next week, might be different. A lot can happen in a month. What if I change my mind between now and then? I'd be wasting around £300 on holding fees etc. But if I don't take it and move back, he goes all Hydey on my ass again I'll be kicking myself on that same ass, and there wont be another house in this area for ages. I think this is part of the problem - a decision needs to be made in the next couple of days. I don't feel able. I don't know enough about (still) FWH's changes to know if they'll stick. My mental state at the moment is such that a need to choose between my big pram and the buggy for DS2 left me standing on the front doorstep for five minutes this morning, unmoving and panicking because I didn't know which to choose. I went a bit like this when I left DS1's dad too, just paralysed by the sheer number of massive decisions I was having to make so that any decision became unmakeable. And I haven't told FWH that I've seen a house, cos I know he wants me to take another month then go back and I'm not sure I can stand to have him try to persuade me. (plus slightly scared of his reaction - speaks volumes...) Maybe I should tell him and see what he says.

And I'm just so scared that I'm seriously fucking up DS1 left-right-and-centre - he's the one who will remember all this. We've moved so many times in his short life, it upsets me to think of him being unsettled now, and maybe having further moves ahead. But I don't want to subject him to an unhappy/fear-filled house just because I can't control myself around my husband...

Pink Hooray!!! Well done x

Pony I don't know how old your DS's are, but young kids cope remarkably well with change. I can understand your dilemma, and there are lots of decisions to make once you're on your own, but it becomes easier and more enjoyable over time. 3 yrs ago I couldn't have decided what I wanted for dinner, now I am in charge of a house. You develop the skills as you go along.

I think if it is any help, consider these two choices. First one is you lose £300. Depends how tight money is, as to how concerned that makes you. The other choice is going back and him turning nasty again. Which of those two can you cope with least? Which of those two would make you more upset? It's a hard choice and only you can make it.

I think 'slightly scared of his reaction - speaks volumes...' does speak volumes. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Pony, they ALL buck their ideas up when we threaten to go.

the MINUTE you blow the £300 and go back on your decision is the minute he knows that all he has to do is promise to be nice... not actually DO it.

MOVE OUT. You need the space to consider WHY you are subjecting yourself to this, why your son has to live in this unhealthy soup,.

IF you move out, you will have 6m to yourself, it will give you time and distance to see what's what, and IF he really IS serious about change you will see it.

If you back out of setting this boundary now, it wil be harder to do the next time.

I guarantee that if you move, before you even pay the first months rent you will see an improvement in your son. YOU will feel better, stronger and less confused.

Your FWH may panic and step up his behaviour, but this will only serve to prove to you that you are right to give yourself some time and space.

If you don't show him the consequences of his behaviour, how is your FWH going to take you seriously?

Pink! I am so happy for you!

MrsF, welcome! well done for making it over here. I was hoping you would! Rest up and read if it helps, no pressure to post, but know that we are here if and when you need us to be.

cagedcanary: how are you love, I'm worried for you.

I know that indecisive feeling well - at my worst I have stood in the supermarket in front of the biscuits for many long minutes, unable to decide which to buy. It is a symptom of depression, but can also be a sign showing how much living with EA can erode your decision making ability - as any decision is 'wrong' in his eyes. This is more evidence, imho, that moving out would be the better thing to do.

I also know that feeling of indecision well! I too have stood choosing chocolate bars in tears overwhelmed, not knowing what to do. I'm a bit stronger at the moment, so when the tea hasn't got enough milk or I buy the wrong thing, I tell him if he doesn't like it, do it himself.

Pink, I'm very pleased for you.

Pony, I really wish you all the best. I think you would benefit from some time and space but it's up to you. Everyone respects your decision and will be here whatever you decide and any ups and downs to come.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to make replies and suggestions. You are all completely right, in different ways.

TAGD - reducing it down to the two stark choices is something I suddenly thought of as I was typing it last night. It's amazing how writing stuff down can bring so much clarity.

Hissy , I've been thinking the same about boundaries, it's a real issue for me that's come out in my counselling and I feel I need to be firm with setting them and having them stuck to. We're already out, btw, I left about 5 weeks ago and we're staying with my parents for now (although that's brought it's own issues, since counselling has identified my childhood/my parents as sources for why I can't maintain boundaries and need to people-please...). But I can already see the difference in both me and DS1 (who's 6). I can cuddle him now without being told off for making him a baby. It's funny though, FWH certainly didn't buck up after I left, it's only in the last week. When I say it like that, seems daft to be basing thinking about moving back in on 6 days' worth of behaviour, when I left after over a year of verbal abuse, physical intimidation and EA.

Am also hoping you come back for some more support, cagedcanary. Second Hissy's comment.

Hi All, just popping in.

Yes, got here in the end Hissy huh as been head down in a book I purchased from Amazon called The Emotionallly Abusive Relationship by Beverly Esel. It's very easy to read and is certainly very enlightening.

Just discovering (which I already know deep down) that I'm a "pattern" repeater.

Anyway, stay strong all you lovely people.

Miss Faversham, I've just read that too. It was very easy to read - partly because the advice regarding 'making it work'/staying and working, I just went 'er, no. I don't want to stay and make it work. I need to GO'.

I'm also a pattern repeater. I fucking hate talking in this psycho-babble 'oh I'm a people pleaser, my mum was terrible, I've been drawn into a terrible man' yada yada yada...but it's true. Gah.

Hi Anastasia

One minute I'm out, next I'm reeled back in and it's all bollox isn't it (it was over up thread, AGAIN).

Anyway, he's out of MY house now lock stock and barrell. Got text night before last saying "I love you but I don't know if I could live with you" - well thats funny aint it coz he doesn't anymore.

No more washing, cooking and ironing so ner, he can do it himself YAY.

It's this bloody holiday with his 3 kids and my DS that I just have to do.

I'm getting stronger every day though