Support thread for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships Number *9*

[foolonthehill]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
why financial abuse is domestic violenceAre you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
20 signs you're with a controlling and/or abusive partner Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans ? He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans - Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels - The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie - If you a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being Co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out ? You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
heart to heart a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

If you find that he really wants to change
I stay or should I go bonus materials this is a site containing the material for men who want to change?please don?t give him the link?print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
bill of rights here is what you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Oh Anastasia I want to give you a (((hug))). I just read your post on 'secrets' thread, that's so sad. Everyone needs a mum.

My mum got depression 7 yrs ago, and can't remember anything, not even my birth. Very sad. It's like she's my mother now, not my mum.

arthriticfingers for asking me over...my thread here

Just had another incident and I'm scared. He's been nice for a while, washing up, now and then moody then okay again. Its only been a few weeks since last incident that left me shaken (didn't want to live in a fcking shthole ie my housework not good enough, he spoke in a low voice but v aggressive.) This time I'm in a 'funny mood', what's wrong etc, told him I resent him going out (he went out at 7pm, back at 11am), I had for first time in 3 years fancied doing something last night (actually mood due to reading Lundy, and wanting space to process it) and I hadn't even bothered to ask as I knew he would be going out most likely. I have barely acknowledged him since he walked in door, been abrupt when I needed to speak. I have been rude and glowering since he got in.

Anyhow in front of 2yr dc, (5 yr old dc just upstairs) he told me (this is my diary of events on here if I should need them). That he was resentful of all the free time I had last week when he had been so ill and had to go to work. That if I was going to act so resentful everytime he went out he would quit work (its a family business) go on the dole and I would have to live on a budget. So no more shopping trips (£200 last week for clothes for me and the dc because we are in holey, stained clothes!!!! In fact I only got a set of knickers rest of clothes were dc. Last 'spending spree' was in september last year!!!!!!!!! I would actually class clothes as essential. Did not buy furniture, or cushions (god forbid I waste money on the house). Sorry bitterness taking over. Tightfuckingwadwanker. I'm sat in threadbare jeans that are my 'best'. We have got money, he just keeps it in HIS bank account. [bitter rant over]

He spoke in a low voice, but aggressive tone, that he was now going to take dc out and when I came back I was to be in a happy mood, did I understand?. Said in such a way I'm frightened and scared of the consequences if I don't pop myself into a happy mood. But I'm finding it hard to find happy for some reason, just scared. I don't think he will do anything but I'm worried how the conversation is going to turn tonight about my 'attitude'. Oh fuck why did I not go to solicitor last week or week before? Like the Lundy book he seemed to have turned a corner. But the incidents are becomeing more frequent. He has not laid a finger on me but I'm scared. But my stupid brain keeps telling me this will be the last time and we can work it out. FFs how could I have been so stupid.

Must pull myself together. I need a plan out. Just keep telling me this won't be the last time. I managed to convince myself from finishing the book last night that I was imagining it all. I need to remember this feeling and the way he spoke. I think I can safely say now that my housework may bother his asperger side, but the way he just spoke to me, and the times before were abuse. In fact this morning I was feeling sorry for him having to put up with my lack of housework.

Sorry to have spilled it all out. I just don't know what to do, I don't want him back in the house again, but I want to get everything organised so I won't be tempted to let him in again. Always on a weekend I feel like this. And I feel scared of speaking to a solicitor. its so final and what if someone sees me go in and he finds out...feck shit feck.

Welcome and :( that you have to be here.
Do not apologize for ranting! This is why we are here.
Please ... rant away. :) I know I do
In fact, there is a blanket ban on apologizing
Everyone here understands.
I am reading the final chapters of 'Should I Stay or Should I go' Every word hits home.

Other threads on here have disproved any connection between Asberger's and abuse. Abuse is connected to abuse and only to abuse.
You don't need to 'pull yourself together'. Give yourself a break - your FW (as Hs andPs are also known here) certainly won't
It took me 30 years and the abuse becoming almost unbelievable (now I am looking back at it) to even recognize abuse - let alone have an exit plan - so you're doing a whole lot better than me for a start :)

Hi Curtains and welcome.

Oh dear, I actually feel scared for you . I can remember being in this position and it's horrible. My ex was a cleaning fanatic, and my cleaning was never enough, even though some days I cleaned for hours. I would get the glaring, ignoring, sarcasm that would terrify me. Is it something you've had to deal with for long? Please try not to make excuses for him, it is his behaviour, not yours.

Much like you, I put off going to the solicitor for years (18 of them to be exact). I only saw my lovely solicitor once I had escaped to Women's Aid. Is there nowhere for you to go, or do you want this relationship to work? It's so hard advising people the first time, you don't want to overstep the line. If you want to try and save the relationship, then joint counselling is a good place to start. If it's just a case of staying together for the kids, then please get out!

I would love to be there to hold your hand while you went to a solicitor, it's an eye-opener. Good luck with whatever you decide, we're here for you.

Having bored you all to tears written a very interesting account of 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon', I have now become increasingly worried about Dr Hook. Yes showing my advanced age taking a deeper look at golden oldies.
'Sylvia's mother'

= abuser in victim like hassle mode 'When you're in love with a beautiful woman' mindless, pathological, controlling jealousy 'The things I didn't say' This does not really need a comment Ok - anyone else think I should get out more?

Curtains I would just add a rider to Today's advice - joint counselling can be disastrous, as abusers can pull the wool over counsellors' eyes, and gain more insight into how to abuse further. Seperate individual counselling gives more of a chance of meaningful change - but I wouldn't get your hopes up. Sorry, this is a bit of a downer, I don't speak from personal experience, but from the many many threads I have read here.

Haven't read your thread yet, from your post above it sounds like you are waking up. It may be better for the time being to pretend to still be 'asleep' as it were, while actually clocking how the behaviour runs, and posting about it here.

fingers. listening to the Beatles the other day I was struck by the lines from ^I Want to Tell You'

but if I seem to act unkind
it's only me, it's not my mind.
That is confusing things.

Which seemed to me to be a possible insight into the mind of an abuser - I'm just like that, put up with it, I'm an Ok guy really

TodayIsAGoodDay Thankyou for the hugs. I'm sorry about your mum, that must be so hard. I feel like mine died when she left us.

There's a bit of run over into my relationship with FW. In Engels' book, she talks about how people with disturbed childhoods are drawn to one another, and that really resonated with me. FW's childhood sounds nasty (although quite whats true and what's fiction, who knows), and we've bonded quite a bit over this, I know he understands first hand.

However, he tries to use it to his advantage unfortunately. I'm supposed to be the one that doesn't leave him apparently and love him unconditionally. Thank god I read a post on here somewhere that stated 'unconditional love is for children and dogs'. He also tries to play the abandoned parents card after he's been mean, but it never washes with me.

I have seen him, though I am withdrawing, and each time he opens his mouth, I feel myself detaching. He's really got the grump that I'm refusing to pay his rent again. I'm making a list of things to buy on payday.

Hi again curtains just to second Pink's worry about joint therapy (see Lundy). Refer to Lundy (and a shit hot lawyer) at all times, and, most of all, think of you and your children above all FWs.

Pink I don't need the encouragement - This way madness lies ...

Oh his partner is a Pisces lady, btw. We don't find out his star sign!

Nooooooo ... :)

I've been thinking after another long and difficult day. I think I may go AWOL from here for a few days, dwelling on things only seems to be making me feel worse right now, and as I havn't made any steps towards any resolution with NSDH I'm just getting frustrated. Plagued with near constant headaches as I'm stressed which is making me grit my teeth all the time. I need to not think about things.

Hope you all have a peaceful, FW-free few days. :)

All the best Nini. Take care of yourself xx

You too :)

Nini I know exactly what you mean. Hope you and your brain get the time out/off you need [hug]

Stress free time wishes to you Nini

I will be doing the opposite though. I need to focus on the negative to keep me out.

He's getting frantic about this rent malarkey. I'm having to focus on the fact that it's NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY and it's his look out, not mine. If he'd treat me well, I'd be doing it no question.

No, you wouldn't Anastasia only children have the right to expect anything from adults

Quite, arthritic. I think what I mean is, that in a loving, committed, decent relationship, there is sometimes pooling of resources in times of need. But that doesn't apply when it's clearly a one way street for this abusive
cocklodger, and it's expected rather than offered. It's not appreciated either.

So I will be buying things for me.

The sulk continues.

No contact today. Then the git texts to say 'can you order me a pizza?'

Erm, no. Gone quiet again.

Aren't they so good at sulking! Mine was the master at it, the longest sulk with me went on for over 14yrs. F**king wanker. And it wasn't 'just his personality', he was nice for the first couple of years. So I'm sure. I'm having issues about how long I put up with the shit for, 18yrs is a big chunk out of my life and I HATE him for it at the moment. So much time lost when I could have been happy

Hi all,

Just to contribute (a little bit) I left an abusive relationship over 20 years ago and it still affects me; I have serious trust issues and set boundaries so high now I don't think any man could comply!

Anastasia - you don't live with this guy, right? I don't understand - why don't you just leave him? I promise I'm not being provocative I just don't get why you're with him, given that you seem to be very insightful regarding his behaviour.