Shocked by my feelings of anger and contempt for DH

[Shadene]

We have a longish marriage (15 years) and have always treated each other with kindness and respect.

But this evening he suddenly told me that I shouldn't have mentioned to my brother how much he earns and that I'm not to tell anyone else. (I mentioned it to my brother in front of him in the context of a conversation about mortgage multiples - we are toying with the idea of buying a share of my mums home and developing it). He knows my brother well by the way - DB and I are quite close and they were friends before we married.

The thing that's freaked me out is how strong my reaction has been to him saying this. I feel FURIOUS with him and humiliated that he said this in ear shot of my 13 year old dd. She is really difficult at the moment and has made a point of trying to play us off against each other. She will bring it up next time we clash about anything as part of her general theme on the subject of what an embarrassment I am and how I'm always in the wrong about everything. Her behaviour towards me has been so abusive and nasty it's driven me into a depression. I'm so angry with DH about 'ticking me off' in front of her and making me feel like a child.

Also shocked by the contempt I feel towards him for being so fucking bourgeois.

I'm in bed alone crying. I'm upset by the strength of my feelings and don't know where this is coming from.

This is not just about today, this runs deeper. Sleep on it, and think about where it runs from.

X

Sorry your daughter is being such hard work. I have one like that who can reduce me to tears. Now she is over 21 we are getting on much better. Hold on in there!

I know my DH would not tell / like me to tell anyone how much he earns. I am surprised by your use of the word 'bourgeois'.

I think maybe you are projecting your anger and frustration with your DD onto DH?

The only reason DH wouldn't tell anyone what he earns is that he's embarrassed by it.

OK - I really don't get this reaction. Which makes me think that there is something else underlying here.

If DD brings it up, can you both together tell her to leave it. If she sees a united front, I would think she would realise there is little mileage in goading you.

You sound very stressed and I wonder if this is making your reaction disproportionate to what DH has done. To be fair to him, I wouldn't be happy if DH told a family member what I earned - whatever the circumstances were. It's not his information to give out.

Agree with Mrspepper.

My DH would not be happy if I disclosed his salary to anybody and neither would I, for that matter. We don't even discuss what we earn in front of the children. So I think your anger towards your DH is misdirected and that there must be something else going on.

Hi - I think that the reason you got so upset and angry is because you've been brooding on unresolved issues, and this is the final straw. I can understand him not wanting his salary mentioned to anyone, even your brother, and if it was mentioned, it was his job to do this.

But your upset and anger isn't really about that: reading between the lines, you feel bullied by a 13 year old, and it sounds like he perpetuates her bullying.

You need to get tough with madam! (I have 4 teenagers, youngest is 15, so I kind of now how difficult they can be!). Stop playing her games, you don't need his approval to put her in her place. His support would be great, but isn't actually necessary. If she brings it up, tell her to be quiet, give her 'the look' (I do a great 'look') and say quietly but firmly that it's none of her business and you won't discuss it with her. She can only play games with you, if you are a willing player. So just stop the games. If she runs to daddy, then let her. When they both realise that you don't react, they'll stop.

Good luck

Do you feel nor entirely backed up by DH in the situation with DD. Do you feel he allows her to take sides or that he undermines you with her by not presenting a totally united front

Agree with the others who think there's more to this. You wouldn't get such a strong reaction unless there was something else going on.

I would not be happy if dh told people what I earned and vice versa. Its not realistic to expect to make every comment away from dd. He wasn't happy and expressed this. If she mentions it both you should tell her that was a conversation between you and dh and non of her business.
Reading between the lines, you dd is out of control and ruling your house. She is bullying you and your dh isn't allowed to say certain things in front of her for fear of giving her ammunition. Sounds very stressful. You need to tell dh how hard it is for you and make a plan to deal with her. Alot of what she is doing is normal for a teenager, but she seems to be taking it to an extreme. The household can not continue to walk on eggshells because you are worried she can use things against you.

I completely see your DH point, a wage is v personal information really also think your reaction and the " bourgeois " comment is odd. There ate obviously other things going on here.

Agree with the other posters tbh...you reaction would indicate there are other issues here.

Does your dh help you/back you up wrt your dds behaviour? When you say "play you off against each other" do you mean he always sides with her??

I can see how that would make you very upset/angry.

I think our families have an idea what dh earns, but only because we recently moved house and they know that we borrowed 3 x times dh's salary.

I would never tell them exactly what he earned though...its crass and disrespectful IMHO.

Yup, also agree.

No problems with us who knows what we earn or who we tell.

So what else is going on?

My OH would be upset the same as me bh if either of us told financial information to another even family. I was brought up that way too I never knew what my dad got even as a naval pension til after he died OH doesnt know his parents income is

I think your anger is misdirected at your DH, discussing finances is a no no for some people, your main issue is your DD at the moment.

I agree one's income is private & my DH would also be embarrassed if I told anyone what his is. I do understand why you're upset that he "told you off" in front of nightmare teen DD. Is it that you wish he could be better at telling her off to get her off your back & so feel its unfair he did it to you? How does he deal with her? I notice you call her "my DD" not "our DD". Are you left to deal with her alone?

Your daughter sounds a pain in the arse at the moment. Don't have teenagers yet so someone please tell me they aren't all like that!

Playing you off against each other is not on, but i would imagine that if it didn't work she wouldn't do it? It sounds disrespectful to me. I would never have gathered ammunition against a parent to use at later date. Is it generally a battling household?

As for the wage thing, it sounds like he overreacted. He could have quietly took you to one side later and asked you not to tell people that sort of thing again. He didn't have to make such a scene.

You would think though that if he felt so strongly about it, it would have been mentioned before during the last 15 years. Do you feel he was using it as an excuse to have a go at you like your daughter does? Is that where she learnt it from?

Agree totally with everyone else. I think you have felt unsupported or even that dh has perpetuated DD's behaviour towards you.

I'm not sure I'd suggest talking to dh until you have got your head round this more, post on here and try to unravel your thoughts first.

I'm trying to think how I'd feel about the wage disclosure - I don't think I'd care nor would dh but on the other hand I do think discussing money is a bit crass (though this wasn't your intention and was legitimate in context).

My husband would also be pissed off but it´s a thing I wouldn´t do tbh.

Although I doubt he´d berate me in front of anyone!

I would hit the roof if my finances were disclosed, so he isn't being unreasonable here. He didn't say anything in front of your brother, he waited to tackle it but he has the absolute right to say that this is private information. OK, it was foolish to say it in front of your child - but how many of us have done that! sometimes, you forget they've got such sharp ears.

Clearly something is going on here. Your reaction is not proportional. You need to think about what else could be going on here that your reaction to this is a symptom of.

Not sure where the op says her dh made a scene.

Mmm...I think your dh is allowed to ask that his salary be kept quiet. A lot of people feel that way.

I think your ire is misdirected tbh. I think you need to get angry with your rude, disrespectful daughter. xx

He didn't Dprince. Quite the opposite. He waited until the brother had left before saying that he wasn't happy about it having been disclosed and to please not disclose his financial information to anyone else. Which I think he is totally entitled to do and is in no way unreasonable.

Which is why I think something else must be going on here to get the reaction it did.

"the " bourgeois " comment is odd." - Oh, lets not come over all pc and sensitivity programme here.

FFS, anyone can express themselves any way they like when they are trying to vent their frustrations. OP if you want to call your H bourgeois and petit you go right ahead.

That being said, I think people are right when they say this isn't about the salary comment. You know, affairs aren't the only triangle, a far more common one is father-mother-daughter. When your D was growing up, did her Dad favour her/was a little bit soft/left you to be the bad guy the whole time? Does he deny that there is any problem?

Similarly, does your d remind you of anyone?

Maybe the key lies in there, and you SHOULD take this to family counselling.

How much does your H learn! The best solution of all (don't laugh) is, send her to boarding school.
For reasons too long and involved to go into, single sex boarding school is actually the best envirionment for adolescents. You would be amazed at how much your relationship with her would improve, when all the bad 'have you done your homework/hang up your jacket/where is your sports kit' attention is taken away and instead there is only positive attention (letters, visiting for matches, phone calls 'wow well done in your hockey match/maths test').

It is a well known phenomenon amongst 'that culture'. Many a middle class kid has been saved by boarding school.

I think the issue here is that her husband does not back her up by disciplining an adolescent daughter.

It is normal for teenagers to become unbelievably self-absorbed, and it is actually vital for them to withdraw from their parents to eventually emerge as their own selves with their own set of identity, values and beliefs.

But they are also still children, and are caught in that amibivalence of asserting themselves and longing for safety. So IF H says absolutely nothing when his daughter is rude to his wife, he is not doing his job of setting boundaries to keep d safe, letting her know he loves and values her mother and setting the family stage for love and respect.

So this is a counselling issue IMO.

What is he like as a husband and father, Shadene?