Shocked by my feelings of anger and contempt for DH

[Shadene]

We have a longish marriage (15 years) and have always treated each other with kindness and respect.

But this evening he suddenly told me that I shouldn't have mentioned to my brother how much he earns and that I'm not to tell anyone else. (I mentioned it to my brother in front of him in the context of a conversation about mortgage multiples - we are toying with the idea of buying a share of my mums home and developing it). He knows my brother well by the way - DB and I are quite close and they were friends before we married.

The thing that's freaked me out is how strong my reaction has been to him saying this. I feel FURIOUS with him and humiliated that he said this in ear shot of my 13 year old dd. She is really difficult at the moment and has made a point of trying to play us off against each other. She will bring it up next time we clash about anything as part of her general theme on the subject of what an embarrassment I am and how I'm always in the wrong about everything. Her behaviour towards me has been so abusive and nasty it's driven me into a depression. I'm so angry with DH about 'ticking me off' in front of her and making me feel like a child.

Also shocked by the contempt I feel towards him for being so fucking bourgeois.

I'm in bed alone crying. I'm upset by the strength of my feelings and don't know where this is coming from.

diddl: I realise that and I'm not a genius the point I'm making is that lots of kids wouldn't know the ins and outs of the parents finances, or even think about who pays for what....so is her behaviour learned from him? My kids at 13 knew that ex brought home more than me, but also knew that mum and dad provided for them and the house, they never mentioned the difference in our income or pointed fingers at us over it. It was family income, as simple as that. I think it's unusual for this girl to do this to her mother, unless she's heard her father talk to her mother this way.

Or maybe the mother keeps taking about who earns what. Really there could be many reasons she knows. it doesn't have to be the dhs fault. It could be either, but some people seem hell bent in this being the dhs fault even with very little to support it.
Op I would be wary, going back a few pages, on blaming your depression on dd. Kids pick up on this and you may find yourself ina vicious circle. Her playing up, you blaming her for depression, her feeling that from and so playing up. You are having a hard time but I really think you need to have a chat with dh. As pp said keep a stock answer regarding your dds comments about who earns what.

Yes the "above that sort of thing" is very telling indeed. Hugely condescending to anyone who has the temerity to disagree with you including, most importantly, your husband. I know what it's like to live with someone who has severe depression, including the need to boost their own self esteem by crashing over everyone else's. To say that it isn't easy will be a spectacular understatement, but I'll leave it at that.

"I would be wary, going back a few pages, on blaming your depression on dd"

Yes. I understand what you're saying. But her behavior, her unwillingness to co-operate over ANYTHING, her constant abuse IS a very major contributor to my feeling unable to cope with life.

I know that if it she was an adult it would be ok to point out that her abuse of me is damaging my mental health. But as she is a child it's not - because as her mother I'm supposed to be able to cope so that she can feel secure. But I can't cope with her behavior at the moment.

"I just thought my DH was above this sort of thing. that says it all really. You look down on him/ anyone who feels this way. That this pov is something lesser people feel. Your db should have accepted, yes we can afford it and yes we can get the morgage. No need for figures."

Yes - I think I do look down on him for having this attitude. And others who come over all coy when they're talking about money. Especially when it seems that what they're anxious to conceal from others is that they earn quite a lot. And often spend it fairly conspicuously. It seems to be that by simply pointing out that you don't like talking about money you're usually signifying that you have quite a lot of it. Or maybe it's just me that has never noticed hard up people coming over all private about their income.

I'm just not sure what it is that you're income is supposed to SAY about you or what it signifies that makes it a taboo subject in the UK.

"I think you need to apologise to your husband for discussing family finances"

I've not read any social rule book which makes a strong case that discussing finances with family members is socially or morally unacceptable. Of course it would be if DH had told me not to before I'd had the conversation with my db. But he didn't. I had no idea he cared about it.

Tbh I can't see anything particularly wrong in the way the OP mentioned her DH's wage. I think the we can afford it so its none of your business attitude in this instance would have been pretty inappropriate bearing in mind what the discussion with DB was regarding..

I agree about the money thing -I've never understood the reluctance to talk about it. But DP and I are not all that wealthy, this attitude, that talking about money is vulgar, seems to come from people who earn quite a lot.

Do you think his attitude stems from some discomfort over the development of this house - is family politics involved? Are there tensions you are unaware of?

"Hugely condescending to anyone who has the temerity to disagree with you including, most importantly, your husband"

DH and I have been together for 20 years and we have never spoken to each other disrespectfully. I value his feelings and opinions and he does the same to me. Which is why I was shocked and upset at him taking issue over something which I had never considered that he found important (this issue of privacy over finances has never arisen before). I'm seeing a side of him which I wasn't aware of, and I'm not sure I like it.

Was never going to be your problem, was it OP?

Yes she is a child, one who is going to grow up with major issues as her mum blamed her depression on her. Do you know what that's like? She will grow up unloved with lots of issues. You are the adult and you need to help her. She is a teenager who is testing her boundaries. Nothing you have said has made me think she is anything but normal.
She seems to have an obsession with what you earn. But you are the one that looks down on people who don't like to discuss money. me and du spend money on what we want to. Damn everyone else, if people ask they get told that we don't discuss money because its crass and cheap. We don't discuss what we earn because its our business, we don't discuss what we spend either. Wanting/ having nice things does not mean your family finance should be open to all.
my mum suffered with depression. It took over everyones lives. Everything had to be on her terms and no one was aloud their own way or opinions. Tbh this sounds the same.
If I said something and dh was upset. I would apologise it had bothered him. Tell him I didn't know I will be more careful of his feelings in future. Not strop off to bed feeling superior.
It sounds like you were probably boasting to db about your dhs wage and dh was embarrassed. Or rather that's how he saw it. Then you add your looking down on him sounds like you were getting ego boost from telling people about your family finances. I know I sound a bitch. But you are not excepting any fault in this. you currently have a victim mentality, you won't be able yo get better or move on until you take control of yourself and your actions.

OP, your attitude to your DH is horrible; condescending is the least of it. It doesn't matter whether you "get" (which, in the context of everything you post, I read as "approve of") his concern for privacy over money matters (or anything else), it should be possible to respect it without getting it. And, as far as your daughter is concerned, remember that you are the grown-up, and act accordingly.

"It doesn't matter whether you "get" (which, in the context of everything you post, I read as "approve of") his concern for privacy over money matters (or anything else), it should be possible to respect it without getting it"

I will respect it in the sense that I won't mention it again now that he's made me aware of his feelings. I hope perhaps that someone will some day explain the ethics and social mores behind our cultural neurosis about discussing money in a way which helps me sympathize with his feelings, as at the moment this is a struggle for me.

"And, as far as your daughter is concerned, remember that you are the grown-up, and act accordingly"

Thank you for that.

I don´t discuss money other than with my husband.

It´s the way I am-he´s the same.

We don´t feel that it´s anyone else´s business.

I don´t understand why anyone would be interested in what we earn any more than we are in what they earn.

I can afford something, or not, as can other people.

What more is there to know?

The thing is Shadene, we all have our own quirks and neurosis as you say. Surely with your own depression and how that relates to your child, you can appreciate that? Logic isn't really relevant in how people feel.

I don't know why op is getting a hard time from the armchair psychologists.

"She seems to have an obsession with what you earn"

No she doesn't. She just says anything she thinks might diminish my authority, and pointing out that DH's money bought the house is part of this.

"But you are the one that looks down on people who don't like to discuss money"

Sorry - where does this come from? I don't like discussing money. It's not an interest of mine. The mention - I repeat - mention of DH's salary was made in response simply to a question about whether we'd get a mortgage for a housing project we're considering.

"We don´t feel that it´s anyone else´s business"

Such defensiveness! Nobody has tried to pry into our family business; the mention of DH's wage was made in passing in a reference to mortgage multiples, with my brother, who is close family.

"sounds like you were getting ego boost from telling people about your family finances"

Yes, I was standing on a soap box, giving forth about how richer than yow we are. Oh no, hang on, it was mentioned casually in response to a question from a close relative about the likelihood of affording a mortgage.

Of course there are other ways of surreptitiously boasting about your finances. One is to imply you have lots of financial freedom and then go on to say that it's nobody's business but yours if you've got loads of nice consumer durables (implying that they might be jealous or have a rather pruriant interest in what you've got, which of course, isn't naice)

"I know I sound a bitch"

Well you do really.

And I think you're projecting onto me about your mother.

Op really look at yourself. I am not projecting. I have experience, yes. Your dd will grow up more and more troubled because you blame her. You don't like discussing money, really. So why the anger at your dh then for being sp fucking bourgeois? Why do you look down on people who don't want the whole world to know about what income your family has.
Yes I sound like a bitch, but sometime people need a rude awakening. You are balling a child for your depression. If you call me a bitch for pointing what damage you are doing to your child. So be it i would rather be a bitch than sit here as say poor you, what a horrible dd and dh you have. When in all I it come across as the opposite. Your dd could be the worst teen in the history of the world, still would excuse the responsibility YOU are putting on her. Stop being a victim and think about the impact your actions are having on your family.
Also saying if you buy nice things isn't boasting is it. As you have no idea what my concept of what nice things are. That's the point.

Do you know what I am bored. You clearly just wanted sympathy. You have no acceptance that you maybe part of your problems. I genuinely hope you get every thing sorted. i am not sure how you will, but I hope you do.

I think your Dh has a perfect right to tell you how he feels about you mentioning his earnings. But he should have done this in private. You don't attach emotional significance to money, but he does. You, however attach emotional significance to being "corrected" in front of your dd

Dprince: I think you need to remember that this is 'Relationships', not AIBU. If you want to rant about 'wake-up calls' and 'being a bitch' then you should probably head elsewhere. Your remarks aren't really constructive and it's not a helpful way to speak to someone who has admitted being clinically depressed.

OP, it sounds like you yourself are sensitive about finances and earning because of your choice to compromise on your career to be available at home and that's why your DD's comments about you lacking authority due to your lack of financial contribution hurt so much. SHe's the key issue here not your DH so continue getting help from your SIL and sister and maybe think about getting some counseling for help with your depression in the meantime.

People consider all sorts of different things private that others might consider to be public.

Just because you dont 'get it' doesnt mean that you are right.

You made a mistake, you were a bit impertinent accidentally and sadly like all too many people caught out being ill-mannered you are blaming the other person.

I think you really need more help with your depression, in order to come to a point where you stop perceiving your Ds behaviour as abusive. The veery fact that you perceive it so suggests that you are not able to respond to it in a measured way which will benifits both of you.

Your DDs behaviour. Blinking ipad

"You made a mistake, you were a bit impertinent accidentally and sadly like all too many people caught out being ill-mannered you are blaming the other person."

Many people are sensitive about others knowing their age. If you didn't know that your partner felt this way and mentioned their age casually in the course of a conversation with someone else, and were overheard and remonstrated with, would you also say that you had been 'ill mannered' and 'impertinent'?

"in order to come to a point where you stop perceiving your Ds behaviour as abusive"

If she was a teenage boy of 16, just 3 years older, and was following me around the house screaming and threatening me, telling me I was old and pathetic, I'm sure you would have no problem describing this behaviour as 'abuse'. It is abusive to threaten and insult someone because they've not bought you crisps, or allowed you to go out with your friends, or have asked you to tidy your room. She screams and swears at my asd six year old and calls him 'dickhead'. That's abusive.

I love dd but her behaviour is hideous at the moment. And is damaging the family. It's the truth, however unpalatable and sad.

(and before anyone asks - yes we do use sanctions. Many. Often. They don't work. She has lost her phone, her computer, her pocket money, had early bedtimes and been grounded for months at a time and she is still obstructive and rude).

But yes - I know I need to get to grips with my depression because it's stopping me finding a way through the emotional storm that's going on at home, and preventing me from fighting effectively for the support that my son needs, and isn't getting, at school.

"Stop being a victim and think about the impact your actions are having on your family"

Sorry - what 'actions'? All I do is try to keep peace between my children, help them with their school work, praise the good things they do, try to guide them away from destructive behaviours, and provide a stable and secure home for them. But I'm not a robot and sometimes having two exceptionally difficult children grinds me down. It would grind anyone down.

"I think you really need more help with your depression"

Went to the GP and got a prescription for AD's. And nothing else. I don't want them. I want my daughter to stop being horrible, and for my son to get referred to a developmental paediatrician, and for the school to be more supportive.

Simple answer, yes.

You got it wrong, apologise, move on.