Shocked by my feelings of anger and contempt for DH

[Shadene]

We have a longish marriage (15 years) and have always treated each other with kindness and respect.

But this evening he suddenly told me that I shouldn't have mentioned to my brother how much he earns and that I'm not to tell anyone else. (I mentioned it to my brother in front of him in the context of a conversation about mortgage multiples - we are toying with the idea of buying a share of my mums home and developing it). He knows my brother well by the way - DB and I are quite close and they were friends before we married.

The thing that's freaked me out is how strong my reaction has been to him saying this. I feel FURIOUS with him and humiliated that he said this in ear shot of my 13 year old dd. She is really difficult at the moment and has made a point of trying to play us off against each other. She will bring it up next time we clash about anything as part of her general theme on the subject of what an embarrassment I am and how I'm always in the wrong about everything. Her behaviour towards me has been so abusive and nasty it's driven me into a depression. I'm so angry with DH about 'ticking me off' in front of her and making me feel like a child.

Also shocked by the contempt I feel towards him for being so fucking bourgeois.

I'm in bed alone crying. I'm upset by the strength of my feelings and don't know where this is coming from.

I agree with Hecate. Is there anything else going on OP?

Hectate - i agree. There is something else. But there are people speculating he caused a scene. Which isn't helpful, simply making things up.

I didn't "make it up" I misread.

Clearly a few people have 'mis-read' it. There talk of berating and telling her. Its not what the op said.

Sorry I meant there IS talk of berating and telling HER off.

It's not right that your DH ticks you off and makes you feel like a child, Shadene. What are you? Junior employee in the family firm? If he doesn't like something you've said or done, he should bring it up in private, and without being disrespectful. It should certainly never be done in front of children.

Plus what everyone else has said about your DD.

finances are private, maybe he feels equal anger and contempt for you discussing his private business with someone else. Maybe he thought if you are discussing it with all and sundry you would have no problem with him mentioning it also in front of anyone who might be there

you are being out of order imo

I´m guilty of misreading.

I read it as OP being shocked at her husband´s angry reaction...

I´d be very annoyed if my husband "ticked me off" in front of the kids tbh.

It sounds as if you´ve had enough of your daughter "getting at you", without it seeming that your husband is doing it as well.

I agree with pastypatsy actually, you didn't seem to care about privacy when you were discussing his personal finances. Your daughter seems to be a separate issue from that.

So, it's absolutely fine for you to talk about your husband's salary in front of your brother, but not ok for your DH to tell you not do do so in front of your daughter?
Seems to me that if you expect him to show you consideration and respect in front of other people, you need to show the same courtesy towards him and not disclose HIS personal information to other people.

I would never talk about my DH's salary with other members of my family and would not expect him to talk about mine. If he chooses to disclose personal information to other people, it is his choice, I don't get to make that choice for him.

Your daughter's attitude is a different issue and one which you and DH need to be seen to be dealing with together. TBH, what you describe sounds about par for the course with teenagers, but they do usually come out the other side and so do you

sorry, should have been

I rather like abitwobbly's reply.

But ...

Erm ... all those who say OP shouldn't be discussing her husband's finances with her brother ...

... aren't those family finances? Isn't it a wee bit controlling for the master of the house and he who is that brings home the wage (that keeps the little lady and the bearer of the Great Lord's name fed and watered, amen) to determine what she-who-must-be-worshipful-of-he-who-has-deigned-to-bestow-his-largess-upon-her may speak of to her family?

Personally, I think I would be [hmmm] about that. What next? She should keep her eyes lowered and her dress moderate when outside the home and when anyone enters the home? That she should keep her voice well-modulated and respectful when addressing her Lord?

I think even when it is 'family finances' it needs to be a family decision if they are going to discuss those finer details with others, rather than the op assuming she can tell who she likes about it.

Yes. A family decision, and a discussion.

That is a leetle different from being told that the Lord and Master does not wish his woman to name figures when discussing mortgages with her brother. And being told that these are the wishes of the Master in front of daughter. Thus putting daughter and wife on essentially the same power level: servants and executors of the Lord's wishes.

It reminds me of those hilarious American things that Mn-ers used to link to, written by fundamentalist religious groups, where the writer, (a chap, obviously), explains about the correct way to discipline a wife: and the subtle differentiations of the execution of that discipline so that, while it is clear to all that the wife is indeed on the level of a child as regards his authority, yet she has a different status to that of the children, in that she is in chief bearer of his wishes, and has the status of being the chief person responsible for carrying them out amongst all the other children. She's child-in-charge, if you will.

Yuk.

Oddly enough, the American fundamentalist things recommended that, while the fact of the infraction of the father's rule be publicly known, along with the need and inevitably for wifey's discipline, the discipline itself be undertaken privately, away from the children's eyes.

Which isn't what Mr. did here. Which is why if would undermine Shadene's role as parent and authority person.

Thanks for your responses.

I'm feeling a bit better this morning.

"I think there must be much more going on here than just this"

There is. I'm clinically depressed at the moment from stress generated by dd's behaviour (she has been very difficult for about a year now) and by trying to get a diagnosis and some support for my younger child who I believe has autism. I know I am over reacting to this situation but it needled me in such a strange way.

" If he doesn't like something you've said or done, he should bring it up in private, and without being disrespectful. It should certainly never be done in front of children."

One of the things dd does when she's verbally attacking me (which she does often - every time I take her to task for something or tell her to do something she doesn't want to do, or stop her doing something she wants to do), is shout that nothing in the house is mine and I don't have authority because DH's salary pays for everything. I know I shouldn't let her stupid comments bother me but they do. I feel diminished by her repeating that I haven't achieved anything with my life. I know it isn't true - I have a great part-time job that I love and worked hard to qualify for, which pays well for the small number of hours I do, and that even if I didn't work that DH and I are financial equals in the marriage by virtue of the fact that we are partners. But I can't seem to shrug it off. Probably because I'm depressed and oversensitive.

DH does back me up with dd when he's here.

Personally I just don't 'get' the English secrecy over money (even though I am English). If I'd realised he felt strongly about it I would have kept my trap shut. But as it was just mentioned in passing in the context of a discussion about mortgage multiples - I mean, why the concern? He hasn't been able to explain his upset over it. Can anyone else here explain why you'd want to keep this information private even from close family members? Is it about shame? Not earning enough? Modesty? Not wanting to flaunt your earning power?

Particularly when most people I know have no problem with conspicuous consumption which is in its way just as revealing about your income, and even more revealing about your values when it comes to money and spending.

I do feel that being squeamish about these things is prissy and all about being 'naice'. And I'm not used to thinking of DH as being prissy and 'naice'. It shocked me to look at him that way.

"The best solution of all (don't laugh) is, send her to boarding school."

Myself and my two siblings were sent to boarding school at 11 and it was an disaster for all of us. I personally think my sister's alcoholism has its roots in the emotional neglect she experienced at school at this very sensitive point in her development. I would no more put my children in boarding school than I'd put them in care. I think teenagers need to be parented, and they don't get parenting while in institutional care.

But he had already very little say in any matter at that point, because she had taken the decision on behalf of the family for herself. Surely that is more 'controlling' if you want to use that term? I realise though that wouldn't fit into your men are lord of the manor view point though.

The op took no time to consider her husbands feelings, to discuss the issue or have any grasp of his opinion. After the fact, he tells her he is uncomfortable with that, and now he is controlling?

"That is a leetle different from being told that the Lord and Master does not wish his woman to name figures when discussing mortgages with her brother. And being told that these are the wishes of the Master in front of daughter. Thus putting daughter and wife on essentially the same power level"

Yes. This is how it felt to me.

I would see money as a private thing between a couple and wouldn't really mention it to others, even B or S. But I can understand the context you were talking about it in OP - seems to have hit a nerve with your DH. He was a bit thoughtless saying anything to you in front of your DD but think the problem here is running much deeper. As others have said time for a heart to heart with DH about parental discipline and presenting a untied front - and time for DD to feel the icy wind of change! :)

Will you be speaking to him about it shadene?

(and I agree with you wrt to boarding school btw!)

I think had your husband not told you in your daughter´s hearing then it perhaps wouldn´t be such a big deal.

I suppose I feel that it´s up to my husband who he tells about his earnings.

But then I also feel that our finances are no one elses business.

"The op took no time to consider her husbands feelings, to discuss the issue or have any grasp of his opinion"

If I was discussing the size of his penis or his psychological health then I can understand the upset.

If he had a tiny penis I can understand him not wanting me to casually drop the fact into a conversation. But it's only money for goodness sake. I just don't attach a lot of emotional significance to it. He doesn't earn a massive amount or a tiny amount. As far as I'm aware he has no strong feelings about how much he's paid. Neither do I. Why should he? We're just ordinary middle-income people who earn roughly the same as everyone else in our social and family group. I just don't understand the neurosis about it.

Cross posted there OP - lots more info. Glad your DH is supportive. Your DD sounds like a little cat at times and needs to be firmly put in hjer box. Have you jointly agreed sanctions in place?

I do think you are being a bit harsh about your DH's attitude to money / privacy tbh. I'm quite open about my earnings but I don't discuss my DH's earnings as he earns a very good salary for where we live and would be embarrassed about people knowing, he's a very modest, unassuming guy.