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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Shit! OW's clueless husband has just Facebooked me asking to talk. What do I do?!

118 replies

BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 19:41

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my partner was having an affair with a married friend of ours. Her husband did not know. I had the pleasure of catching them at it...

Anyway, I've been undecided about whether to tell OW's husband. I had been doing nothing as I don't feel able to deal with someone else's crisis at the time when my own life has been turned upside down.

I de-friended them both on Facebook as soon as I found out but I've just had a friend request from the husband, plus a message asking me to phone him ASAP and giving me his mobile number. Luckily he doesn't have my number.

What the fuck do I do?! I still don't feel able to talk to him. Especially not tonight as I'm on my own (mum and sister have been v supportive since the split but both are busy tonight so was planning a night of crap telly and a big bag of Maltesers!)

But if the poor bloke has just found out, I can't just ignore him. Can I?!

Bloody bastard exP! I can't believe he's put me in this position.

OP posts:

Dprince · 02/06/2012 19:45

How would you feel if you were him? Would you hope he would speak to you? Hope you're ok by the way. Your thread really effected me and I wonder how you and ds are.

cybbo · 02/06/2012 19:47

Ignore him

molschambers · 02/06/2012 19:50

I would be tempted to ignore him.

However I think the right thing to do would be to talk to him and be honest with him.

Depends what you feel you can cope with I guess.

prettywhiteguitar · 02/06/2012 19:50

Maybe message him back and say noes. Not a good time but arrange another time ? That way you can think about it and he doesn't feel ignored ?
I read your thread btw your exp is a complete shit ! You are being v strong, well done for getting the truth out of the lying little bastard

madonnawhore · 02/06/2012 19:51

You're not obliged to talk to him if you don't want to. But if the shoe was on the other foot, how would you feel? If he's only just found out the poor guy must be frantic and desperate for some answers.

You might find it useful to help put missing pieces in place, etc.

But ultimately, don't feel bad if you can't face talking to him. You're the victim in this so you don't have to put yourself, in any situation that's going to make you feel even worse.

Artsand · 02/06/2012 19:52

I'd talk to the poor man, if you feel able.

bringbacksideburns · 02/06/2012 19:52

No - don't ignore him. Poor bloke.

Ring him and if he asks you outright, because he's been told, don't deny it.
But tell him you don't want to discuss the details.

You don't know what it's about until you ring.

It's not like you have gone looking for him. You have behaved admirably.

VanderElsken · 02/06/2012 19:53

Hi BorntoFolk, I'm so sorry you're going through this on top of everything else and it must feel anxious and heart-rending.

You absolutely don't have to talk to him, and certainly not tonight! At your own leisure, you should decide how you want to contact him, because at some point he'll probably track you down. If i were you I would open a line of communication via email, saying you don't want to talk any other way as you're in too vulnerable a state to deal with all this right now. He should understand that. Then you can think carefully about what you say and take your time over it.

If you give him your email address, he will send you a message and you can write back with what you know.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. It's not your job to tell anyone or protect anyone from your cheating ex. He probably just wants to know what facts you know and you have no obligation to protect anyone in this whole sorry sage except yourself. If I were you I would write one email, detailing how you found out and what you know. You may even want to include fewer details and just do the basics. Then ask not to be contacted again and if I were you I would give him your ex's email address! He's the one he really wants to talk to!

squeakytoy · 02/06/2012 19:53

I assume that he will know you and your ex have split up. Perhaps he has had his suspicions too already.

I agree that the right thing to do would be to talk to him, but I would do it by message rather than over the phone. It is easier to be calm, and it is also a way of being sure that nothing can be incorrectly said back to anyone else.

chibi · 02/06/2012 19:53

you don't owe anyone anything- conserve your energy, focus on yourself and living through this

Sassybeast · 02/06/2012 19:55

You can't possibly ignore him. He obviously knows and needs confirmation. Imagine if it you were in his situation ? Presumably he was a friend before you found out ?

You can do this - but you must make it clear that you are still dealing with the shit yourself and can only give him information, not support at present.

chocoraisin · 02/06/2012 19:56

do you feel you could handle something less direct, like an email? perhaps you could say you don't want to talk but he could email you. Then you can switch off your computer tonight, ignore it completely and only deal with whatever he says or asks at a later date, when you do feel ok (and have the moral support of your mum or whoever to help you decide if/what to reply).

If you decide to do that though, try not to sit by your emails obsessing over it and getting upset about what he might say, or if he will email!! easier said than done I know. It's really not your problem to fix, but I think I'd probably appreciate being acknowledged if I were in his shoes, even if you're not willing to actually talk to him?

:( for you x

Oogaballoo · 02/06/2012 19:56

He must be going out of his mind BUT you need to take care of yourself and if you don't feel up to it then you don't have to talk to him. It will probably be a very grueling conversation and he may vent and be emotional. I don't know what you could do really- would you feel worse waiting to talk to him or would you rather message him quickly and say something about it?

I'm sorry you've been put in this position.

bringbacksideburns · 02/06/2012 19:56

Yes, actually e mail would be a better idea as you are on your own and it is a lot to deal with.

See what he message back and then you can take your time with your response.

HermioneE · 02/06/2012 19:57

I don't think you should feel obliged to talk to him. It might well be helpful for him, but if that's going to just make you feel shit instead of him feeling shit, it's not going to achieve anything overall.

Do whatever you feel up to, and don't feel guilty about it. Neither you nor he are in the wrong here, after all.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 02/06/2012 19:58

I would talk to him, but then I would love the opportunity to talk to XPs OWs 'D'H...given that I have proof that they are still at it 15m after we split and OWs DH buried his head in the sand so maybe I'm biassed.

Maybe accept his friend request and that will open up the opportunity for him to fb message you so you can have an 'online' conversation rather than verbal one if he really wants to push it.

Growlithe · 02/06/2012 19:58

You need to look after yourself - you aren't obliged to meet this guy and fill in his blanks, that's up to his cheating wife not you.

AnAirOfHope · 02/06/2012 19:59

i would call him andget it over with then have nothing to do with them again and move on with your life. Kinda like pulling a plaster off!

tribpot · 02/06/2012 20:01

I read your post initially as the guy having found out. On second reading, I see that you don't know whether he has or not. Unless you know him well, I would Facebook-tell him you're not available tonight but you could maybe catch up tomorrow. If you wanted to, you could also ask him if he knows you and DP have split up, without any other comment.

It's neither your job to tell him nor lie if asked outright. I don't think you should attempt to have that conversation when you're on your own tonight.

AnAirOfHope · 02/06/2012 20:02

He still moght not know and just want to tell you are still friends even if you and partner have split up!

I think i would have to find out what he knows!

Pedigree · 02/06/2012 20:02

If you can face talking ti him at this point, just say so, kindly and politely. But also think how would you feel if you were in his position? Don't forget that he is a victim too, as much as yourself.

Original poster

BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 20:07

I just messaged him back "hi, what's up? I'm sorry, but I can't talk right now".

The thing is, I don't know how much he knows. He may know that exP and I have split up and have suspicions, or he may know the whole sordid story. I really don't want to be the one to break it to him, as cowardly as that might sound.

I do feel really bad for him, poor bloke, if he has just found out. He's where I was 3 weeks ago! But I can't support him through this when I'm just barely holding it together for myself and DS.

I'm also going to text exP to tell him that he's messaged me. Pass some of the shit back to him.

OP posts:

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 02/06/2012 20:08

would your mum or sister talk to him? he might just need the confirmation

Original poster

BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 20:09

Sorry, and thanks everyone for your messages of support! DS and I are doing mostly OK. DS was very upset again last night, asking for Daddy to come home. But day to day, we're coping.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 02/06/2012 20:09

I am afraid you do need to contact him even if it is only to say you dont feel up to chatting at the momet but promising to ring back.Alternatively you could suggest he emails you and you can write a reply-may be easier than talking.

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