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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit! OW's clueless husband has just Facebooked me asking to talk. What do I do?!

118 replies

BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 19:41

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my partner was having an affair with a married friend of ours. Her husband did not know. I had the pleasure of catching them at it...

Anyway, I've been undecided about whether to tell OW's husband. I had been doing nothing as I don't feel able to deal with someone else's crisis at the time when my own life has been turned upside down.

I de-friended them both on Facebook as soon as I found out but I've just had a friend request from the husband, plus a message asking me to phone him ASAP and giving me his mobile number. Luckily he doesn't have my number.

What the fuck do I do?! I still don't feel able to talk to him. Especially not tonight as I'm on my own (mum and sister have been v supportive since the split but both are busy tonight so was planning a night of crap telly and a big bag of Maltesers!)

But if the poor bloke has just found out, I can't just ignore him. Can I?!

Bloody bastard exP! I can't believe he's put me in this position.

OP posts:
Boysrstupid · 02/06/2012 20:09

You do not owe this man anything. Forget him (& step away from fbk).

Scoff your Maltesers, drink some Wine & have a bloody good cry if you want to.

I'm sorry your hurting, it will get better eventually.

Proudnscary · 02/06/2012 20:11

If it was me I'd get a very close friend to respond for me - I am specifically thinking of one or two friends who would be amazing at taking it over for me, explaining to him that I was in too much a vulernable and emotional state to deal with speaking to him but also that i felt for him and was very sorry etc.

tribpot · 02/06/2012 20:12

I honestly wouldn't tell your ex. It's just dragging up the whole sordid mess again. And frankly why alert the pair of them to the fact they've been rumbled?

If you wanted to be truly evil, you could simply reply: I'm assuming you've been in touch because OW has told you the truth. No-one understands better than I do what you're going through and I'm truly sorry you had to find out she's been shagging my exP.

DontmindifIdo · 02/06/2012 20:16

It could be that he's found out and is trying to "do the right thing" and tell you...

e-mail is best, it stops you having to deal with his emotions too.

Offred · 02/06/2012 20:19

Yes don't tell xp, you'd be making yourself into the middleman.

startlife · 02/06/2012 20:19

Just a different perspective. When my friend was in this situation she found that speaking with the husband was actually helpful, he was supportive and they could both empathise with each other in a way that others outside of the situation couldn't.

You must try yourself and your son but don't assume it will be a negative interaction. You of course know the guy so your judgement must rule but I recall from your earlier post that your ex had made you feel that he could be threatened if husband told and I felt that was manipulative.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 02/06/2012 20:42

BornTo I read your other thread an have been so impressed by the amazingly dignified way you have handled this, protected your DS and impressed also with your lovely mum. I would respond to the OWH as others have said, but telling him you are busy tonight and can talk..... name a convenient time. And than answer his questions factually and unemotionally if you can, but not be drawn into a mutual society of wronged patrners, it will just drag you down further.

bonnieslilsister · 02/06/2012 20:56

Don't tell your husband! The OW will get a warning from him - you owe it to her husband not to tell them.

Glad to hear he's an ex.

PooPooInMyToes · 02/06/2012 21:02

I would talk to him. Poor fella.

Xales · 02/06/2012 21:04

Did you text your ex? Like some of the others I would suggests staying mum for now.

AuntieMaggie · 02/06/2012 21:07

I agree don't tell your ex.

It may be he's found out and calling to tell you not realising you don't know.

Could be anything but I would talk to him if only to find out what he wants - there may be other useful information he has to share about the whole thing.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 21:19

yeah, I texted my ex. Haven't heard back though, from either of them.

I felt like I should tell exP, just to try and shift some of the responsibility for this back on to him. I can't really second guess who knows what, or what people are trying to achieve, I can only do what I think is right to protect me and DS.

OP posts:
PooPooInMyToes · 02/06/2012 21:31

I don't really understand why your loyalty is to your ex. It sounds like you are trying to protect him from this, as though the husband is the enemy rather than the other wronged party.

skyebluesapphire · 02/06/2012 21:34

I tried to reply earlier but my phone crashed.... I have read your thread from the start and really admire you and the way you have handled everything.

The husband does deserve to know, however presumably is contacting you because he knows already or has suspicions.

My H was texting his best friends W up to 100 times a day. When he left me he moved in with them.... i threatened to tell her H, but they both said he knew. I recently discovered that they have only recently told him because I threatened to again and revealed a facebook chat that they didnt know that I knew about.....

I will tell her H everything that I know in due course, but only once I have ensured that I protect myself financially. If her H already has suspicions, then he may discover all on his own anyway. I think that her H has a right to know that he has been betrayed by his best friend......

But you have to protect yourself in all of this, so only do what you feel comfortable with..

scottishmummy · 02/06/2012 21:35

it's not your responsibility to support or disclose

something2say · 02/06/2012 22:29

I have no advice to give but wanted to come on to say I remember your thread and hope you are ok x x x

FairhairedandFrustrated · 02/06/2012 22:41

You owe your ex nothing,

You owe her husband nothing,

But put yourself in his shoes - do you think he maybe just wants to discuss things with you and have a release with someone who understands.

Glad you and ds are ok, I was on your original thread.

Abitwobblynow · 02/06/2012 22:44

What would you want in that situation?

Act on that basis.

AuntieMaggie · 02/06/2012 23:11

Until you speak to him you dont know what he wants. He may not want information from you but to give you some - he may have information that is important to you.

I think you should speak to him if he asks you for any information you don't have to tell him anything.

As you only found out I assume things like your finances and dcs haven't been formally sorted out - he may have information for example about things like this.

You only have your exs word that this man knows nothing - he could've found out ages ago.

Perhaps I'm too suspicious because of friends past experiences and your ex will be 'good' about everything but ime its just as likely he will try to screw you over at some point. And tbh if he's capable of bringing ow to your home he's capable of anything.

HerHissyness · 02/06/2012 23:15

Jesus, if the guy is where you were not that long ago, have a heart, the truth is better OUT. At least then you have someone else to talk to, perhaps some support in all this?

Don't pre-warn the ExP, let him get the nasty surprise that he and the OW so willingly dished out on everyone.

Mind you, you have UTTERLY stuffed any chance of a decent weekend for your ExP now.... Grin he'll be cacking himself.... [weasel]

PrettyPrinceofParties · 02/06/2012 23:17

In an ideal world, yes you'd talk to him as that's probably what you would want in his shoes. However, this world and the situation you are in is far from ideal, so you do whatever you feel is best for you bad ds.

I've also read you thread from the start and think you behaved amazingly. You owe this man nothing, and if I were you I'd feel far more comfortable comunicating via email at least until you know what he knows and his reaction. The last thing you need is him redirecting anger for his wife towards you for not telling.

Hold you head high as you've behaved amazingly and put your son first which was absolutely the right thing to do.

PrettyPrinceofParties · 02/06/2012 23:18

And not bad. Weirdest typo ever.

Dozer · 03/06/2012 08:25

I would speak to him, poor man.

saffronwblue · 03/06/2012 09:31

Hope you are OK Bornto. It is hard because you need to look after yourself and DS first but must feel some compassion for this bloke. Remember this mess is none of your doing - it is 100% a consequence of your STBX's infidelity.
You have shown dignity and integrity all the way through.

truthisoutthere · 03/06/2012 10:16

It's not of the poor other blokes doing either. If he was pushed to contact you, he must either suspect or know. Put yourself in his shoes and decide how to handle him.