Shit! OW's clueless husband has just Facebooked me asking to talk. What do I do?!

[BornToFolk]

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my partner was having an affair with a married friend of ours. Her husband did not know. I had the pleasure of catching them at it...

Anyway, I've been undecided about whether to tell OW's husband. I had been doing nothing as I don't feel able to deal with someone else's crisis at the time when my own life has been turned upside down.

I de-friended them both on Facebook as soon as I found out but I've just had a friend request from the husband, plus a message asking me to phone him ASAP and giving me his mobile number. Luckily he doesn't have my number.

What the fuck do I do?! I still don't feel able to talk to him. Especially not tonight as I'm on my own (mum and sister have been v supportive since the split but both are busy tonight so was planning a night of crap telly and a big bag of Maltesers!)

But if the poor bloke has just found out, I can't just ignore him. Can I?!

Bloody bastard exP! I can't believe he's put me in this position.

What house documents Dontmind? I have nothing drawn up yet. I'm not even sure what the process will be but will be talking to my solicitor ASAP.

All the documents from when you bought it, the deeds etc, do you have them or are they with the solicitor who you used to buy the house? It is rather straight forward to sign it over if you can give your solicitor the deeds, if it's a different solicitor and you have to faff about getting access to them then it can delay things. (long enough for someone to whisper into his ear that he doesn't need to actually do that without forcing you to buy him out if you're unmarried)

Ah right! I think the deeds are with the solicitor. Wil have to do some digging around in the filing. Good tip to get them located in advance, thanks, I will do that.

No such thing as deeds, if you've bought your house in the last 20 years or so, i.e. if it's registered. Just to clarify.

Do a credit check on him to find out if he has any other credit cards.

Move forward fast on the legal and financial front. You sound so fierce when you say you ware going to protect your DS and yourself financially. Don't let other elements of the situation distract you from this priority.

As for the OH. You owe the OW and her children nothing. You cannot control how he chooses to use any information he gets from any source about his STBXW's affair. Please do not let yourself get bogged down in trying to control where the ripples from the stone your H threw into the pond will go. It's none of your business what sort of divorce they have, and you can perhaps should interpret a lot of what he says as venting rather than rational expression of intent. He will have a solicitor and she will have one and they will proceed as acrimoniously as they can afford to. It is up to them how they choose to conduct their own business.

If there is something you know, please don't refrain from telling it out of ay feeling of responsibility to either the OW or her children. Sorry if this sounds callous, but if this man wants full custody of his children, residential custody, etc., that means he will be paying for them and not your exH, and the exH will therefore be better able to fulfill his responsibility to you and the DS.

The OW's H owes you nothing and he owes your DS nothing. You are two people thrown together in a very unfortunate circumstance. Try to get as much info as possible from him. It may well help you when you approach the legal end of things to have information.

You are perfectly entitled to tell this man that you are not there to be an outlet for his anger or for any oversharing of his emotional response to what has happened. You can set ground rules for your interactions and hold up your hand and stop him if you think he is dumping on you in any way. Tell him you strongly recommend a professional counsellor to walk him through this, to hold his hand, and to listen to his anger, but that "as you can well understand, since I have so much on my plate right now'', you are not going to be that person for him. Be direct. Say it straight up, and hold him to it. And resist the temptation to lean on him for any sort of emotional support.

Very good advice mathanxiety

OP what comes through from your posts is what a fair, reasonable and ultimately good person you are. Your family has changed but you and your DS are still a family and he's lucky to have you as a mother. Hope you are managing to take some pleasure in him.

That is excellent advice math, thank you. And kind of what I'm trying to do. I think it's in both our interests to share information (ie if OW tells her husband that she and exP are planning on moving in together, I need to know that! That hasn't happened yet by the way, but it may well do...) But yeah, I can't support him in any other way. Neither can he be my support. I kind of think he wants to be, offering help and he's just texted asking how I am. I'm aiming for polite but distant in general.

Argh, it just hurts so much to have someone be chosen over you! When it was "just sex" it was easier to deal with but was never just sex was it? He prefers her to me and that is hell. And I hate the thought that he's got someone else and I'm left all alone. I mean, I'm not alone as I have DS and my family and friends who are all brilliant but it's not the same as having a partner.

And how can this be better than what we had? I don't get it. I admit, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were still friends and had a nice house and DS. And now he's living with his parents and not seeing DS as much and ferrying his sick girlfriend about. How is that better than the life we had?

It isn't but the grass is always greener till you actually spend some time in the field

You are always alone in many ways with a shallow person like your exH. You just don't know it because he is there and to all intents and purposes with you and going in the same direction, but the reality is often different from the way it looks until the curtain is drawn back as it was with you.

My H moved in with his friends and is living their life basically going everywhere with them eating with them watching tv with them so has no idea of what life on his own in a crap bedsit will be like. He thinks the grass is greener but is only in a temporary field...

I wonder how life on his own aged 48 in a bed sit can be better than being in his own home with his family but that will be the life he chooses unless him and the best mates wife do start a relationship...

So sorry to hear that Skye

Sounds like he's enjoying playing the "knight in shining armour", tbh.
Sometimes a nice life just doesn't provide the right ego boost for a certain type of person - and perhaps he's one of those who needs to be needed. If he thought you were stronger than him, more capable and able to cope on your own, then perhaps what he thought he needed was a lame duck who needs "looking after". Well, that's what he's got now - a lame duck. And you are a powerful and free swan, who can fly solo, knowing that you have the strength to do it.

Trust me, it still hurts (been there) but you will survive and your DS will too. I hope one day you can find a man who doesn't need such a sorry ego boost as your exP but knows how to appreciate you for who you are, not what you provide for him.

Do photocopy a full year of bank statements, bills, etc rather than the last ine, you need that to demonstrate a pattern of income and expenses to court so they can know what your financial needs are and apportion assets accordingly. Credit card statements are important as you may be liable for them as you are still married (ex went and borrow 20,000 in credit cards after the split on the asumption I would be asked to pay half). If you have any money in cash or current account you are going to split, do an internet transfer, pay with a cheque but don't hand him cash ( I did and he claimed at court I had used the money myself, unfortunately, they believed him).

As for access, suggest a basic contact pattern (ie. alternate weekends + wednesdays), if you have that is easier to negotiate days up or down according to the needs of the child.

Don't worry too much about the payslips. The money should be hitting a bank account whose statements should be in the house. Those statement may do.

And get a Which? Guide to divorce, it might save you thousands in solicitors.

And how can this be better than what we had? I don't get it. I admit, our relationship wasn't perfect but we were still friends and had a nice house and DS. And now he's living with his parents and not seeing DS as much and ferrying his sick girlfriend about. How is that better than the life we had?

Not better but he has offloaded alot of responsibility (you, DS, maintaining house and mortgage) whilst having his ego boosted by coming to the rescue of OW.
It can take a long time for some people to grow up.

"If you have any money in cash or current account you are going to split, do an internet transfer, pay with a cheque but don't hand him cash ( I did and he claimed at court I had used the money myself, unfortunately, they believed him)."
How can some men be such gits to women they used to be a family to? :(