Shit! OW's clueless husband has just Facebooked me asking to talk. What do I do?!

[BornToFolk]

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my partner was having an affair with a married friend of ours. Her husband did not know. I had the pleasure of catching them at it...

Anyway, I've been undecided about whether to tell OW's husband. I had been doing nothing as I don't feel able to deal with someone else's crisis at the time when my own life has been turned upside down.

I de-friended them both on Facebook as soon as I found out but I've just had a friend request from the husband, plus a message asking me to phone him ASAP and giving me his mobile number. Luckily he doesn't have my number.

What the fuck do I do?! I still don't feel able to talk to him. Especially not tonight as I'm on my own (mum and sister have been v supportive since the split but both are busy tonight so was planning a night of crap telly and a big bag of Maltesers!)

But if the poor bloke has just found out, I can't just ignore him. Can I?!

Bloody bastard exP! I can't believe he's put me in this position.

Xales I had exactly that happen to me
borntofolk I read your previous thread also, my story was quite similar.
The OWH rang me & spent over an hour on the phone persuading me to divorce my ex H whilst he took the high & mighty option of using it to eternally make OWs life hell forgiving her !!
I felt worse after I spoke to him, be careful as I ended up finding out a lot more than I needed to know, some of his spiteful side of the story was very hard to hear, and yes my ex -H came running straight back to me when OW chose her H over mine
(told him where to go though )
How are you getting on?

How's it going bornto?

I am sick, tired, sad and lonely. That's how it's going.

I spoke to the husband this am. In some ways it was actually quite a nice conversation. He asked how I was and said if I needed anything, to give him a call. He doesn't blame me, hoped that I didn't blame him and understood why I hadn't told him when I found out.

So, that's the good news. The bad news is that exP and OW have been feeding us both a pack of lies. They are still together. They told the husband they had never had sex (exP told me they had). The husband had had suspicions it had been going on for months, exP still says 1 month.

Turns out that the OW is ill (don't want to go into too much detail) and exP plans to support her through her illness

ExP has just been round. He says when he told me that they were not carrying on the relationship that was the truth but they picked the relationship up again (as a result of her diagnosis 2 weeks ago, I think)

The husband wants to talk to me again (why does everybody want to talk to me all the bloody time?!) and I've tentatively said he can come round tomorrow. ExP has said some things about how he's handled the whole situation (i.e. threatening a messy divorce unless OW signs their kids over to him now) which make me uneasy. I want to know what he knows, fill him in on what I know and leave it at that. I really don't want to get involved in someone else's messy divorce and I can't support him.

ExP still says he will sign the house over to me and continue to pay at the same level as he has been. He plans to stay with his parents for a few months but doesn't know long term plans. At least he's not planning on shacking up with OW yet...but I can't actually believe a word coming out of his mouth any more. I plan to get as much legal stuff tied up while he's still saying this stuff, and squirrel as much money as I can away to cover me if he decides not to pay any more.

I've told him DS is not to meet the OW and she is not to come to our house. I also told him that I think they are both scum and I hate them both.

I am so sad. My family is gone and it hurts so much.

Oh and I asked the husband not to hurt exP (not for his sake, but for DS's) and he said "don't be silly, of course I wouldn't do that" I believe him.

Your H is a cheat and a liar.

The OW is a cheat (several times over now) and a liar.

Do not trust anything that comes out of these peoples mouths. Stop discussing this with your ex, he is a liar. Please do stop texting him and chatting to him about anything apart from the DC.

I plan to get as much legal stuff tied up while he's still saying this stuff 100% agree. This man is not your friend any more. Do not trust him to do the 'right' thing. He is saying all this while he feels guilty. Don't believe it until you see the signature on the paperwork.

Good luck.

I think you have handled this superbly well love.

first thing though, get the papers drawn up for the transfer of the house. Things like that have a funny way of not getting done.

Expect the stay at his parents to be shorter than you imagined too.

Your family isn't gone, your P just left it. YOU and YOUR DS will go on and can still be YOUR own family. In time it will get better, you just can't see it yet.

(((((HUGS))))))

Oh, btf, I'm so sorry. You poor love. I know that your world will right itself again, but I really feel for you right now.

So I was pretty much right then. This whole chat was because those two are coming out as a couple.

You need to for your own sake, stop being so loyal to your ex now. As when he has ow to support, through illness, oh and a house for her and everything else if she stops work. Then her yanking his chain, he will fuck you over without a backwards glance, like they have both done.

Ok, some practical stuff you need to start sorting up... Photocopy all bank account statements, mortgage documents, salary slips, pension related documents, passports, debt related bills (ie. credit cards, loan arrangemts and payment receipts), etc. you will need that if things get worse. I know you feel really bad but try to do it, many things in your future depend on it. At the moment he is talking out of guilt and ignorance, but once that he finds out he can get away with paying less than 15% of his net salary in terms of child maintenance, all these promises might evaporate, get your hands on those documents.

I managed to photocopy enough to be able to claim the house for Ds, but it took me three years of court for him to provide his payslips, if I had got to them in time, our life would have been soooo diferent.

Thanks Pedigree. I think all his payslips are upstairs somewhere. I will try to did out.

Guilt and ignorance is right. He has no clue about the 15% thing. If he did, I doubt he'd be offering what he is.

I'm phoning the solicitor first thing Weds and finding out how quickly we can move. She advised striking while the iron is hot so I hope she'll be cooperative!

I don't trust him at all but I am going to protect me and DS whatever the cost.

I would keep fingers crossed that he signs over the house and try and get it done, but I think you're right to be cautious and to plan for other eventualities. If he plans on supporting this woman through her illness he may change his tune and decide he wants the money from his share after all as he "needs it".

BtF I so admire your fairness and resilience. You are right not to want to get drawn into the OWs ExP's response or the mess within their family. It was a good instinct not to tell him straight away. Your priorities are your DS and managing your natural grief at the big changes to your family unit.
Good attitude not to believe a word either of the scum say. Just keep on being brave and clear about where you want you and DS to be in the next few months and years.
And you don't have to be brave here.

Thanks Pedigree. I think all his payslips are upstairs somewhere. I will try to did out.

Do these things now, don't prevaricate. It might save you years of angst in the future. It is sooo in DS's interest to get a proper amount to live on.

But you are doing well and being v fair and doing the best for DS.

I think just be very firm with the OW's DH and your ex-P. You don't have the bandwidth to be supporting either of them, you need have no conversation about his new relationship with the ex-P at all, and should be firm with the OW's DH that you can only ensure you both have the facts relating to the time when you were both still in relationships with this pair of shitbags. What happens now is not your problem, protecting you and your ds is.

It really does sound like it's going to be horribly messy over the next few months between OW, her DH and your ex-P. Step away and thank your lucky stars you're out of it.

Oh, the knight in shining armour affair! 'She needs me and you are so strong'. OK, well, consequences are such a bitch.

BTF move whilst he is still feeling guilty. Negotiations are much better now, your solicitor is right.

Move to protect yourself, the human emotions will pan out as they always do. They are the ones that take time.

I meant, protect yourself financially of course. The human dynamic is separate to that.

'She needs me and you are so strong'

Yes, I think this is at the heart of things. I come across as very independent and capable. I think he thinks I'll be fine and don't need him and I can cope with DS on my own. Which may be true in time but it hurts like a motherfucker in the meantime.

OW's husband wanted to talk today. I texted and said I wasn't up to it today. I feel really wrung out by the conversation with exP yesterday. I said I'd let him know if I discovered anything that he needs to know and asked him to do likewise but other than that, I don't really want to do any more.

Right, I've just found, opened and scanned his P60 for this year. His payslips are all electronic so I have no access.
What else do I need? All banking is done online and he's not touched any of the accounts - money has gone in as normal and I've done a food shop as usual from the joint account.
I'll hide mine and DS's passports, just in case (though I very much doubt he knows their usual place anyway!)
I'll dig out the latest mortgage statement and scan that too.
And life insurance policies. And I've found his pension statement too (woefully little in that ) Am I missing anything?

Credit card statements?

Neither of us has much on credit cards. No debts either (apart from mortgage)

I had to write to my bank to get my H taken off our joint account. He handed back all the cards etc, but still had online access so I needed it stopped. I wrote to the bank and then they wrote to him. Saved me having to discuss it with him...

My dear, I am not much on the practical side of things, I am more an emotional support type of gal.

Therefore my advice to you is to get outdoors as much as poss, with your son, across the parks and fields, to get that headspace. You don't need to be embroiled in his mess. Get out in the fresh air to let yourself think.

I can't believe you were just at work one morning, and randomly got called home, and walked into a complete timewarp change of entire life. It must have knocked you for six.

In some ways I think the conversation with her HB was coming. The chapter needed to be read, and now you have read it. It must be blowing your mind anew that he lied again, or got caught out lying again. It must be so huge to get your head round.

I read your early words, all the ones about coping, which you clearly have done, but as I say I am more worried now about the emotional fallout for you. You can get a counsellor's number from the yellow pages or google, you can have an appt made for tomorrow or the next day, if the shit hits the fan and you need to talk and grieve.

At the very least, I think that doing the minimum required to get through the days is the order of the day. No great projects unless you'd find them helpful. If you can't manage, don't. Bulk cook and freeze, early nights, get Bach's rescue remedy, allow yourself to cry, but as I say, the main advice I have is to get out into nature. Thats my best shot for you, dear stranger, to help you. Let the wind of change, forced as it may be, blow through your life.

XXXXX Thinking of you XXXXX

I am talking to a counsellor, provided through work so I don't even pay for it. It is helping. She is encouraging me not to cope and to feel what I'm feeling. Not easy for me but I'm trying.

Not a helpfull post but i would be asking him why he doesnt think her husband could have looked after her? Why is it his job?

In a few month time when it is all settled down and its just them i think he might relise what he has lost :(

Do you have the house documents? If he said he'll sign it over, get that arranged this week if you can, if you need to bulldoze him into it, do so. I know you won't feel like being proactive, but you need to be, if he takes legal advice before doing this he'll be talked out of it.