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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shit! OW's clueless husband has just Facebooked me asking to talk. What do I do?!

118 replies

BornToFolk · 02/06/2012 19:41

About 3 weeks ago I found out that my partner was having an affair with a married friend of ours. Her husband did not know. I had the pleasure of catching them at it...

Anyway, I've been undecided about whether to tell OW's husband. I had been doing nothing as I don't feel able to deal with someone else's crisis at the time when my own life has been turned upside down.

I de-friended them both on Facebook as soon as I found out but I've just had a friend request from the husband, plus a message asking me to phone him ASAP and giving me his mobile number. Luckily he doesn't have my number.

What the fuck do I do?! I still don't feel able to talk to him. Especially not tonight as I'm on my own (mum and sister have been v supportive since the split but both are busy tonight so was planning a night of crap telly and a big bag of Maltesers!)

But if the poor bloke has just found out, I can't just ignore him. Can I?!

Bloody bastard exP! I can't believe he's put me in this position.

OP posts:
fiventhree · 03/06/2012 10:18

BTF, you are a better woman than me.

I wouldnt give a monkeys what he know already and call him right away.

I wouldnt contact exp either.

Your h and his wife did this with the partners of their friends, and in our home too. They deserve nothing at all in terms of consideration, and this man does.

fiventhree · 03/06/2012 10:18

your home

PooPooInMyToes · 03/06/2012 11:26

Im with fiventhree.

Xales · 03/06/2012 12:05

Too late now. Unless he has concrete evidence the way you did, your ex will have warned OW and there will be a story concocted placing you as the vicious ex and them as fluffy innocent bunnies.

I would treat this man as I wanted to be treated. If I would have liked to have known I would have told him. If I would rather not have known I would not tell him.

At the moment it is very raw and you need to do what is best for you and your little one.

BalloonSlayer · 03/06/2012 12:10

I think you should ask yourself "What's the right thing to do?"

I'd say it is to tell the truth, to answer his questions truthfully, without embellishment.

To the question

"Are my wife and your Ex having an affair?"

The truthful, unembellished answer is:

"I broke up with him because I believed that they were."

And to:

"Why the hell didn't you tell me?"

"Because my Ex claimed it was not true. And although I am 99.9% sure he is lying, unless I was 100% sure I could not tell you and possibly ruin your marriage over something that was not true."

Which is basically what happened, isn't it?

SucksToBeMe · 03/06/2012 12:16

OP, I have been in your situation and i told the OW that her boyfriend was in a six year relationship and that i was 7mths pregnant. I did not owe her anything and she did not have a clue. But she deceived better,as did i. I have always told my friends if I 100%knew they were being cheated on.
I can't stand people who cheat.

ohforfoxsake · 03/06/2012 12:21

I would message him back telling him he needs to talk to his wife.

I think you have been very strong through all this - I really do wish you well.

PooPooInMyToes · 03/06/2012 12:48

Op. Are you the one who came home and found them both in your house upstairs or was that someone else?

Abitwobblynow · 03/06/2012 12:53

Folk - where is H now?

arthriticfingers · 03/06/2012 12:57

Think ohforfoxsake has made a good call

LaMeuf · 03/06/2012 13:33

This is the OP who came home unexpectedly and caught them red handed so she knows that they were definitely cheating Sad

Thinking of you OP. FWIW I don't think the OW's DH will be angry at you at all. Otherwise he wouldn't have friended you on FB. I suspect he has found out for himself and wants to break the news to you, which is why he wants to do it by phone as he thinks it would be kinder

Original poster
BornToFolk · 03/06/2012 13:53

Yes, I caught them at it.

Anyway, had some texts from exP last night. The husband found out yesterday. The OW told him, apparently. I was concerned that they are still at it and had been discovered, again (discretion does not appear to be their strong suit...Hmm)

Apparently exP was going to talk to him this morning. He's just collected DS and said he wants to talk to me tomorrow about the husband. He was not bruised so either he did not talk to the husband, or managed to get away without a battering.

I am going to message the husband and let him know I'm around this afternoon for a conversation. I do actually want to talk to him today. I don't think he'll be angry with me. I re-read his messages and he started the first one with "hope you are OK". It's been playing on my mind so much, I think I really do have to talk to him and get whatever it is out of the way.

OP posts:
HauntedLittleLunatic · 03/06/2012 13:59

Tbh I think you are in a hugely different position mentally to where you were yesterday.

Yesterday you didn't know if he knew or not. Subconsciously you were worried about what the boundaries of what you could/should say were. You were hesitent because you were worried about you xp's safety if you said the wrong thing (its early days and the fact that you highlighted lack of bruising in your last post suggests this).

Today there is less uncertainty over does he doesn't he know. You won't have any guilt over you being the one responsible for revealing.

You have done all the right things. Hold your head up. You might get mutual 'comfort' and support from OW DH.

Good luck.

PooPooInMyToes · 03/06/2012 14:06

The poor man must be still in shock. It might be good for you to talk to him. Hope it goes ok.

Original poster
BornToFolk · 03/06/2012 14:08

Yeah, you are right Haunted. I need to talk to him today. I feel like there are things going on that I don't know about and I want the full picture for my own peace of mind. And if he's feeling the same way, there may be gaps that I can fill in for him.

OP posts:
skyebluesapphire · 03/06/2012 14:08

good for you. yes, the position has changed now if you know that he definitely knows, then you can only tell him what you know. You may be able to help each other to deal with this.

good luck for your chat.

bringbacksideburns · 03/06/2012 14:12

Yes, good luck Bornto.

'He's just collected DS and said he wants to talk to me tomorrow about the husband. ' - i'd be inclined to say you don't want to talk to him about it. His mess. Let him talk about it to someone else.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 03/06/2012 14:20

I would agree with bringback too. Your xh doesn't need to talk to you about anything unless it directly relates to your own seperation or your ds's future.

You can't take on his mess when you still have so much of your own to deal with.

PooPooInMyToes · 03/06/2012 15:02

What has he had to say for himself the last few weeks? I remember reading your original thread and being horrified for you Sad

Xales · 03/06/2012 15:21

Be careful to stay out of any of the fallout between OW and her H.

Also be very careful that she and her H don't decide to make a go of things, your H is cut lose and suddenly realises he has 'made a mistake' and really loves you because he has nothing else!

tribpot · 03/06/2012 17:18

Totally agree with bringback - who gives a shit if your ex-tosser wants to talk to you about the OW's DH? You are not part of their little drama.

I assumed your comment about the DH battering your ex wasn't meant seriously, your ds isn't in any danger being with him today?

I think there is no reason for you not to confirm to the DH that you caught them at it, plus anything else you can corroborate in terms of how long they had been sleeping together (the old 'it was only the one time' piece of damage limitation is popular) as long as you're clear you have no intention of being dragged into a 'he said she said' about this whole sordid mess.

BalloonSlayer · 03/06/2012 18:00

'He's just collected DS and said he wants to talk to me tomorrow about the husband. '

"The consequences to you of your own sleazy behaviour are absolutely no concern of mine."

Proudnscary · 03/06/2012 20:30

What balloon said 100%

Word for word

Oogaballoo · 03/06/2012 20:37

Too bloody right, Balloon. BorntoFolk you do not have to talk to him about the husband if you don't want to- it is not up to you to pacify the husband for your ex, or for your ex to influence anything you say to him. He shouldn't pile any of his fears what he might do or say to him at your door. You don't need that stress and worry. It's his problem and you shouldn't have to be there listening to him unload about him when he's could do that with anyone else.

I know I'm making assumptions about what might be said but I think it's likely it'll involve some spiel about how the husband might attack him and how you shouldn't say certain things and a bunch of self-pity. You'd be better off just talking to the husband and leaving it at that, as anything else you get told by your ex will probably be twisted slightly (at least) to make him look better and in a more pitiable situation.

Houseofplain · 03/06/2012 20:45

Why would she tell him? Unless she had a sudden urge of conscience, believing you may tell....

I wonder if you are going to find out very soon these two are going to run off into the sunset together....that's why he wants to speak to you for info and visa versa.

Be very careful how protective over your ex you are. He's stuck the knife in, I've a horrible feeling he's about to twist it. Knowing you are still loyal to him.