Being drink does not mean you deserve it.

[OhNoMyFanjo]

I have been reading some comments on tge DM site re an interview with a women who was raped. Her rapist has just been convicted. She has had many terrible things said about her in her community due to the rapist being a pillar of tge community.

I wanted to share this comment that someone has made as it sums up what should be obvious to everyone but unfortunately there are some people who don't get it.

You don't get raped because you are drunk - you vomit because you are drunk. You get raped because the rapist standing next to you made the decision to rape you and acted on it. The rapist is the only one accountable for going on to rape a person. End.

Rape is not the full extent of the problem. Men are also socialised about be "meant" to feel happy about being sexually exploited when they are vulnerable. DH's friend got very drunk at a party was told by a woman that he could crash in the spare room. He was semi-conscious and it turned out to be her room. She got into bed with him and touched him inappropriately. He thought because he has not had sex for a while and wants to meet someone, and because he was a man he was meant to see this as an achievement but he thought "it maybe was not quite right and nothing really that bad happened". I suddenly realised that I couldn't be arguing these things on here and totally aghast at how he was feeling about himself but still hold onto my own victim blaming behaviour.

Offred, well done, I'm glad it went good.

As a rape victim I constantly try to find an answer as to what I did wrong.

That's what rape victims do due to the culture of victim blaming.

That's why victim blaming needs challenging and victims need to know they did nothing wrong.

Thanks for the kind messages btw

''So do all of you think telling men not to rape is going to stop all women from being raped? That's it? Just tell them and they'll all stop''

Well blaming the victims isn't helping is it?

Bit scared to post but I have read most posts and am confused - are the majority of posters saying that if a rapist decides to rape me then there is nothing I can do to stop him?

What an empowering, strong and wonderfully compassionate thread this is.

Yes johnnyboden.

That is the unfortunate truth. The same way that if a mugger decides to mug us, or a burgular decides to burgle our house.

Horrible isn't it?

So there's no such thing as attempted rape?

What?

Attempted rape is usually when the rapist was caught by another person and the rape was prevented, or if the rape survivor managed to fight the rapist off. Which is entirely down to luck.

What's your point?

I dont understand what you mean johnnyboden

If a man decides to rape a woman and he is thwarted that is attempted rape.

The fact that a woman may fight back may put him off but it may not. It is still HIS decision to carry on with the rape or to stop.

So a woman may fight and scratch and bite and kick and still get raped.
A women may not fight at all and the man will decided not to go ahead.

The man makes that happen, not the woman.

Unless you have a gun.

I am just trying to understand what everyone is saying. I have skim read a lot I admit, because there was a lot of shouting and repetition, but a lot of posters seem to be saying that if a rapist decides to rape me then there is nothing whatsoever I can do about it - rapist decides to rape me, I'm going to get raped. In which case attempted rape wouldn't exist - but it does, hence my confusion.

But now you seem to be saying that if a rapist decides to rape me, I'm going to get raped unless he decides not to, or someone else rescues me - which all seems a bit disempowering tbh.

But now I'm scared you're all going to shout at me so will go back to lurking again I thinnk.

Is that a rape myth you are perpetuating gobblers?

Well johnny boden, the idea that you can/should fight your attacker off is yet another rape myth. Many women are paralysed with fear and don't so much as scream.

Know we are saying that the rapist is both in control of the rape and responsible for it which is subtly different to how you have understood it. I won't shout at you

*No!!

No don't go back to lurking, asking questions is good

What we have been trying to say that you can change the way you act, dress, drink, is no safeguard from being raped.

How you think you'll react and how you do react can be miles apart

"Wearing red and/or being blonde/brunette or whatever other comparison you have made does not impair your senses like alcohol/drugs do. They aren't the same thing at all."

See, now you are changing your mind again.

I'm pretty certain I read more than few posts by you that said "I don't think it will protect me from rape full stop but if a rapist is targeting a woman walking home alone drunk then it will protect me from him."
Or "I have said that if there is a rapist targeting drunk women walking home alone and you are not walking home alone and drunk then you will avoid that particular rapist.".

So you are talking about rapists targeting drunk people in particular. SO my example does make sense.

As for drunkenness meaning you are more vulnerable, did you read my post about drunks potentially being more able to fight off an attacker?

Now to wade through pages 28 onwards..

If you are a very strong woman and the rapist is a very weak man (I mean physically) of course you could stop him, in theory.

If you were not frozen in terror, if he had not told you that if you make a noise he is going to kill your children, if he doesnt tell you 'I have a knife and if you make a noise I am going to kill you' etc etc etc.

Rape is rather a disempowering act.

Ok thanks :)

Porto, I am not Bumbley, I promise. And I know the "should fight" one is a rape myth - but you seem to be saying I might as well not bother, because I don't get any say in the outcome anyway, which seems a bit different.

Anyway, last one because I really do need to go to bed - is rape really never opportunistic?

I dunno, Offred, maybe if you are going to get hammered and go wandering around in your shortest skirt, maybe all the rapists hiding in the bushes waiting for such a drunken woman might be slightly put off if you were carrying one of these.

Sometimes it safer not to fight iyswim

No, it isn't that. There's no should/shouldn't act if it happens to you. You have to deal with it as it comes. It is just the control thing. You can't do anything to make yourself less vulnerable to rape. Which is what Bumbley was saying - that drinking makes you more vulnerable to some rape. It isn't true.

You can only respond to rape the rapist is in control of it, they are the one who is aware of what is happening.