Normal relationships

[Jux]

Do you think your relationship with your spouse is pretty normal, and happy. Do you love him/her? Do you treat each other with respect?

I am becoming increasingly worried as so many people on this part of the board are living within shit relationship, and wondered if those who were generally happy with their spouse could spare a bit of time to just log the normal day to day interactions within their family. Just so that the people here who are in abusive relationships have some sort of normality to measure themselves against.

For instance, is it normal to have a row with your partner and your partner to then sulk and refuse to speak to you for two weeks? What happens when you have a row?

How about if you were at home with three small children all day, one of whom was sick. Would your partner be seriously pissed off with you because you were knackered and hadn't managed to get the hoovering done? How about if you were ill?

There are so many people who are grateful for crumbs which anyone else would take for granted. I wondered if between us, MN could come up with some sort of indication of how people treat each other normally, something you could look at and say "I had no idea people were like that with each other" or "oh yes, I remember when that was normal, gosh that was a long time ago, what has happened to me that I'd forgotten that?".

what a great idea Jux.
sadly I have no idea what a normal or even remotely nice relationship would look like... I am agog and hope to learn much!

Nice idea, Jux. This week I have been working 1-9 and I'm always awake way too late when I get home, so DH gets up with DS around 7-7.15, DH has coffee and breakfast and brings a coffee up for me. I haul myself out of bed between 8.15 - 8.30 and have breakfast with DS whilst DH gets ready for work. We wave goodbye to him and then potter around in our pyjamas for another hour or two before getting ready for preschool and work.

I drop DS off after 11 and DH picks him up at 15.15. I go to work, don't get home til 22:20. DH normally waits up for me and keeps some dinner for me, we talk a little, open the post, maybe watch some tv and he goes to bed. I tidy the kitchen, put the dishwasher on and potter some more until I am ready to crash out. I try to fit some housework round my shifts, more for my own benefit than DH's as he isn't too bothered about a bit of mess.
DS (3.11) is usually in our bed by the time I retire.

Hardly fascinating, is it? But it's lovely, safe and peaceful. We rarely argue, last time was a few days ago and not even an argument actually - DH got upset with me because I had ruined his woollen scarf in the wash. I apologised, DH still had the hump but came back downstairs before bedtime to make up as he didn't want to go to sleep cross

for you

This morning our DTs woke about 7. My DH begged asked for a lie in because he's out this evening and will have a late one. I begrudgingly got up and let him sleep for an extra hour. We both had a day of work today btw.

I got up, fed the animals and myself and the kids. Did some chores while the kids played then we all went and woke up DH with a coffee. Fil came over to do some garden stuff with us, children played, neighbour popped over with her DS.

DTs had a nap then when they woke I emptied the contents of the fridge onto the kitchen table and we all had a 'help yourself' lunch of bread, cheese, salad etc. Fil left and DH and me had a quick tidy, stack dishwasher, few chores etc.

I spent the later part of the afternoon with a friend and her kids while DH went off to a gig with a friend who will come back to stay the night tonight. DH will get another lie in tomorrow (grr...) but will give me a lie in on Sun and Mon.

The rest of the bank holiday weekend will be in the garden, chores, walking dog, park, seeing friends and family.

Nothing special, not perfect, bit predictable, lovely. Mutual respect, good communication and compromise.

If we argue, which is rarely (maybe every few weeks) I'll get arsey, DH will remain fairly quiet, I'll be a little sulky and it'll blow over within a couple of hours, tops. I'm working on the arsey and sulkey!

Jux to me, those examples you gave are definitely not normal. 2 week sulking is ridiculous, awful. I work part time, DH full time. I do the lions share of housework. If he came home from work and I had done fuck all and spent the day having fun with the kids he's say 'how lovely for you' and mean it. We love each other.

I hope this may help.

I think I have a pretty great husband (and hope I'm an adequate wife!).

We tend not to have massive rows. Sometimes one of us will get a bit upset or irritated with the other one, usually we talk about it when that happens, but I don't remember either of us ever shouting and we've never gone to bed still angry or without apologising. I used to be a bit uber-sensitive as a result of MH issues, but I got therapy and apparently am now easier to live with.

We are actually a bit too lax about housework - the idea of one of us getting narked because the other hadn't hoovered on a given day is pretty absurd, since hoovering is something that happens a) before guests come and b) when our two year old starts complaining about the "yuck stuff" on the floor. So, yeah. We each have jobs that get done almost as often as they actually need to, but if one person lets it slide for a bit, it's not a shouting offence.

In terms of childcare, we split it fairly evenly. I'm a SAHM so am obviously in charge throughout the day in the week. Kiddo's weekday supper is a shared task depending on who's got the most patience - I often make it and he clears away afterwards. He does all bedtimes and a lot of the childcare at weekends, and is the one who takes her swimming. He takes one whole Saturday a month to go off and see friends in another city, and I try to take a full day to myself as well. When I don't manage to it's because I'm a lazy arse, not for lack of opportunity or encouragement.

We're not perfect. I'm off sex and have been for quite a long time, but am trying to get my head straight - I went straight from severe MH issues to a v stressful job and then to having a baby, so frankly it's taken me this long just to relax! But we'll get there. He knows I'm trying, he loves me enough to want to be here regardless, and he's promised to tell me before it gets to breaking point so we can step up the effort if needs be, get counselling or some such.

Mostly, it's just easy and nice. We say "I love you" about a dozen times a day, it's practically a verbal tic. And we hug, hold hands, have a cuddle before we fall asleep, all that good stuff - it's lovely and I think it helps him understand that I still love and fancy him even though my sex drive is a bit shit.

Aw. I feel all mushy now.

Hmm.

I don't live with my fiancé, but when he stops overnight, every week or so, he will get up in the morning with me and I will insist he makes me a cup of tea. He will insist that it is my turn to make the tea, and then he will make it anyway, and then probably another one. I will usually have to make the third.

Then we have a pottery sort of breakfast, depending on what's in, and he will field questions about his iPad from my children, or set them up with a ps3 game or something.

Then he'll mooch around the kitchen, putting music on and moaning when I demand to listen to no more wanky guitar solos, and make him put adele on instead. He will show me interesting things he has found on the Internet, and we talk abut them.

The day proceeds as it started, and once the children are in bed, we will put a film on and watch it together, usually one neither of us have vetoed on the grounds of taste, as he won't watch chick flicks and I won't watch titsploshun movies.

Then we go to bed, and often have mutually satisfying, not particularly kinky sex.

The end.

Regarding housework, well it's my house so I do it, but he will wash me a plate if I'm short, and he's been known to Hoover my whole house when I was having a toddler party.

I've been injured this week, and on Sunday he reorganised my entire kitchen so I don't have to stand up. It took him four hours.

We don't cuddle in the morning until I have had a cup of tea, I often joke that he'd get more morning blowjobs if he'd bring my tea up to bed, but in truth, he wouldn't because I'm too lazy for that first thing.

He gropes me while I'm cooking and every time he bends down I stick a finger in his bumcrack.

We've been together three years.

Dh and i havent had any physical display of affection between us for 16 years. If i dont get some affection from someone soon i think im going to crack up.

i know I have a normal relationship with my DH, mostly because I have had the misfortune of dating crazy men in the past. One of the signs of a "normal" relationship is that I'd say my DH is my best friend. We laugh and joke a lot, and make fun of ourselves or each other. We both cook very well and clean very poorly. We can go all weekend without seeing anyone else and still feel like we don't get to spend enough time together.

that's not to say we're joined at the hip. I go riding with friends, he plays poker and does other man stuff.

Sometimes one or the other (usually me) gets stroppy, but it blows over pretty quickly. Certainly it doesn't go on for more a an hour, much less two weeks!

We both have stressful jobs, and it great being able to come home to someone who isn't a demanding, irrational client/patient! We appreciate each other and we both try to make the other's life happier. And we listen to each other. Sometimes I mishear, but I do try!

This morning DS woke up at 6am and DH got up with him. DD woke up about 7 and joined the other two downstairs. I had a lie in till 8.20. He made me a cuppa, changed DS nappy, cleaned their teeth, got them dressed etc. This happens every morning, usually he makes me toast as well, but I wasn't hungry this am till later.

DD is poorly so DH (who is a SAHD, I work FT) took DS to their toddler group while I worked from home while watching DD, I went to work leter when they came back. DH washed and tumbled dried my jeans while I was at work.

He cooked their tea, I went out with a friend. he did bedtime and I came back at 10. He cleaned the table etc, but has left the washing up - I don't care about that. He has now gone to bed.

He works really hard looking after them both, and me really. I co-sleep and stll bf DS in the night, so my sleep is quite disrupted hence the lie ins. I think we complement each other well.

He doesn't really argue with me - I am a bit argumentative to be honest, but he is not interested, and won't argue back - which takes the wind out of my sails. So together 15 years, have never argued, fallen out etc, other than petty things.

We would never call each other names or be vicious (hmmm...although I may occasionally be guilty of name calling, but would apologise 5 mins later. He would never dream of name calling).

Life is calm, peaceful, respectful. How it should be. I am also shocked and horrified by what I read on here - I had no idea that people had such hideous relationships.

carer

I think our relationship is 'normal', because of the sense of horror and disbelief I feel when reading about how some poor MNers are treated by their partners - and how resigned to this treatment they often seem to have become.

'Normal' to me is:

• two people treating each other as equals with love, affection and respect

• being able to discuss anything and both listening to what the other has to say

• no put-downs, sniping, personal insults or belittling

• recognising when the other has needs and stepping in without having to be asked

• not thinking that any domestic/childcare tasks are the exclusive domain of the other

• unselfishness at all times

• having an interest in each other's lives, without having to live in each other's pockets - having independence as well as togetherness

• being proud of each other's strengths, skills and achievements

• equality and respect in all matters financial

• wanting to be with each other as much as possible, but happy to spend time apart

• total, unspoken trust

I have been lucky enough to have been married for a quarter of a century to a wonderful, loving, affectionate man who has, and always has had, all the
qualities above. We make an effort to make these things happen - but it can only ever be a two-way thing.

I believe - no, I know - that we are still both deeply in love. I still feel a skp of the heart when I hear my husband arrive home, or if I see his face in a crowd. We have spent many, many months apart over the years (forces) but this has only ever strengthened our relationship.

I hope this doesn't come over as deluded or smug - I do realise just how special he is

ive talked about my situation on a few of the sexless marriage threads. Ive been listening to a few songs on my mp3 which have reminded me about my ex OM. Most of the time im ok at dealing with it but recently ive lost some weight which has made me more confident and also given me a bit more of a sex drive. Dh didnt want to have sex with me for the first 10 years and for the last 6 years he cant due to disabilities. i feel so lonely.

I too have been pretty shocked by recent threads. However I have come from an abusive relationship and 'inside it' you don't see it.

My (sadly part-time) partner makes me dinner. He buys me flowers and surprise little things. Sometimes jewellery, sometimes something practical. I feel loved, cared about and know he thinks about me.

We don't row. I think we respect each other enough to tolerate differences that are important to the other without being a doormat... but we are also pretty similar anyway.

He loves my child. He treats her like his own (better than her Dad does)

'Normal' is such a difficult term because it's all about context. It sounds a red flag if I say that I ironed all of DH's clothes today... but then he has been traveling on business for the last 2 weeks, has had to go straight back to work today and I just want him not to have to worry about having a pile of clean clothes to iron on top of everything else.

For his part, he got up at 6am with DS this morning, fed and changed him and played with him to let me sleep in until 8am since he knows I'm tired from having taken care of DS on my own while he was away.

I nagged him about taking his shoes off and washing his hands when he came in the door from the plane yesterday instead of just being happy to see him ; he didn't get me a present from his travels but then handed me the free gift set he got in business class... when he realized how bad that seemed he was embarrassed too So we often make slip-ups that in another context or in a brand new relationship could seem terrible but in the context of a healthy, long-term relationship are just things you can laugh about.

I think that's where it's hard for others to judge when a relationship is abusive. If you don't have context, you can end up either dismissing troubling behavior or taking everything as a red flag.

I do agree with you too, Toothbrush, a good relationship with the 'right' person makes your life better and lets you be who you want to be, instead of causing you stress and anxiety.

Thank you all for sharing what a good relationship is like. It gives me hope that when I start dating again, there are good men out there, I just have to find one!

These snippets of a normal relationship are like gold to to those of us who have been in abusive/abnormal relationships in the past .

I have a good 'un. Normal day. DD wakes at 5.15am aarrgghh I take her until 5.30-6am at which point DH takes her. Until 6.30am, when I get up. He gets ready, I get ready. We all go to childcare and work. We get home, I cook, he cleans up. I get DD's stuff ready for the next day, he puts her to bed.

I do most of the food, he does a lot of the cleaning. If I didn't Hoover, he would not react, since I don't normally.

I came home today in a grump, snappy and annoyed (very tired). He turned to DD and said, "mum mum's in a grump, should we cheer her up?". If we row, we sometimes ignore each other for an hour or growl a bit. No one swears, no one shouts, no one sayd anything that can't be taken back.

There's some good stuff on here, I feel.very lucky to be so happy on my relationship, and one.of the things said upthread that really resonated is that DH is my best friend. We both have lots.of.other friends and socialize.separately.etc, but we are always making each other laugh over stupid little stuff, and I love spending my spare time with him. Lots of affection, lots of not leading to sex cuddling and handholding while watching telly. I feel like he takes my happiness seriously, that he respects its importance and seeks to promote and protect it. That is how I feel about his happiness and colours our conversationa about each other's career choices or spending. We look out for each other.

Also he does his share of the shitwork and is wonderful in bed. Those things are really important.

We have argued and sometimes huffed a bit in the last seven years, but never any name calling, never any raised voices, never anything said and later regretted. I am so.sad that this isnt the norm. Everyone deserves happiness.

We've been together almost thirty years and still hold hands when we're out, cuddle up together when we're watching TV and kiss hello and goodbye every time one of us goes anywhere. We rarely argue thank goodness, as it upsets me really badly if we do.

When our children were small we used to have one lie-in each at weekends. If housework didn't get done cos I had better things to do it was never a problem.

I can't imagine life without affection, my soul would shrivel up. My heart goes out to those who don't have that kind of marriage.

I think we have a normal relationship. I hope this doesn't sound smug. I do know we are lucky.

We help each other and do things for each other. Not because we a 'doormats', just because we want to make the other one happy, or to take a bit of stress from their life. I will do something like clean his car, BECAUSE I know it will make him happy. He will bring me a bowl of raspberries and a cup of tea when I am ironing, because he knows it will make me laugh and I will enjoy it.

I married a feminist. That helps. DH respects that I work bloody hard, as does he. He mostly cooks, I mostly clean, but it is not set in stone. He has never seen something as my job because I am a woman, and had an equal, if different ,role in bringing up the children.

In one of my jobs we work together, and we still cant really see enough of each other. No in a 'do everything-joined at the hip', just that he is interesting, funny and calming and I want to be near him. Probably he feels the same about me :)
We are cuddly, affectionate and embarrass the children by kissing in public!

We do not play games, set tests, deceive each other, use physical force in any way, sulk, give each other silent treatment, we dont swear at each other, call each other names, talk each other down to other people, criticise each other, get 'pissed off' with each other,none of that.
We act as adults towards each other.

It helps that we are both very calm and relaxed people who do not 'sweat the small stuff'. It helps that we do not have any serious money problems. It helps that we have similar views about how to bring up the children. It helps hat we are both introverted and like our own space, and respect that in the other. It helps that we have the same sense of humor. In an odd way it helps that in some things we are totally opposite. I am not bothered about music, he could not care less about art. He loves to travel, I love to 'nest'. BUT that doesn't mean that we are not suited, just that we are individuals.

Not everything is perfect, and we do have some problems, some things are reresolved by talking, some things we have still not got resolved. Some things we have decided to ignore and pretend they don't exist, because to face them would be too painful.

We married within six months of meeting and have been married for nearly 25 years.

i guess me and DH are 'normal', that doesn't mean we are perfect by any means. We still get on each other's nerves from time to time, and I sometimes wish we went out for dinner more often and had friends over, things like that (but he's not massively sociable really). Partly I think you have to be realistic about a person's shortcomings or idiosyncracies - we all have them after all - as long as they are fundamentally acceptable to you in the bigger picture of the relationship, and as long as you are fundamentally supportive of each other.

I think the main reason why me and DH work is we are kind to each other. We give each other a break whenever possible. We're not into grand romantic gestures and we rarely go out for dinner or the like. But we make sure each other gets to stay in bed late, esp if the other has go go to work or has had a rough night. We look out for each other. We pick up the parenting slack from each other, no questions. And we are great, great mates.

Problems get talked out and dealt with, never allowed to fester

And I totally agree about not sweating the small stuff - some things DH does that get on my nerves (e.g. leaving rubbish on the kitchen sideboard instead of putting it in the bin!), and vice versa, (slamming cupboard doors!) but generally we let insignificant stuff ride. It is not worth creating bad feeling over, esp with DCs in the house who pick up on bad vibes.

I second what talc said...that's me and my DP, too.

We have been together 18 months. He has transformed my life. We have both freed ourselves from abusive relationships and can now face the future together, stronger. It means we put up with a little shit from my ex and a great deal from his, but we support each other and do what's right for our children. He is the kind of father my kids deserved and didn't get, and even though they love their dad and see him every week, they love DP too and know that he adores them and will do anything for them.

Right now he is on a plane from Australia after working there for three weeks. I am so excited to see him I could barely sleep last night. I keep looking at the clock and working out how much longer it is until I will see him. He text me from the airport yesterday and said he had butterflies about seeing me again.

We are both in our 40s and we never thought we would meet someone and have the kind of relationship we have with each other. Since I met him, I look forward to retiring so that work won't get in the way of us spending time together.

When my ex went away on business, I used to look forward to it and count the days until he went, then cheer silently as the door closed behind him. I used to dread retirement, because work was a welcome excuse to spend as little time in his company as possible. I am so glad that I had the strength to end that misery and make a new life for myself.

For me, the only word that matters is respect...for if you have that, all else follows.

"mum mum's in a grump, should we cheer her up?"

^ That actually made me cry.

I was totally expecting "mum mum's in a grump, here we go again. She is such a moody cow, always going on. Nothing ever right"

Literally never occurred to me that a partner would actually be concerned that you might have had a bad day and want to cheer you up ??? Pah, I've a long way to go

I'm in the middle of a change in medication meaning I fall asleep where ever I am or can't get up in the morning. Dh deals with the kids and allow me time before getting me up in the mornings.

We get on quite well, have a close relationship sex wise. He does house work and I cook and wash the dishes. We have a good laugh and do argue usually over petty things like me recording all the same programmes on all the boxes . But we never sulk for days.