Normal relationships

[Jux]

Do you think your relationship with your spouse is pretty normal, and happy. Do you love him/her? Do you treat each other with respect?

I am becoming increasingly worried as so many people on this part of the board are living within shit relationship, and wondered if those who were generally happy with their spouse could spare a bit of time to just log the normal day to day interactions within their family. Just so that the people here who are in abusive relationships have some sort of normality to measure themselves against.

For instance, is it normal to have a row with your partner and your partner to then sulk and refuse to speak to you for two weeks? What happens when you have a row?

How about if you were at home with three small children all day, one of whom was sick. Would your partner be seriously pissed off with you because you were knackered and hadn't managed to get the hoovering done? How about if you were ill?

There are so many people who are grateful for crumbs which anyone else would take for granted. I wondered if between us, MN could come up with some sort of indication of how people treat each other normally, something you could look at and say "I had no idea people were like that with each other" or "oh yes, I remember when that was normal, gosh that was a long time ago, what has happened to me that I'd forgotten that?".

This is a good idea. I am in the first normal relationship I have ever had and I never realised until now. My last relationship was incredibly abusive and I never even really realised as my choices in men had got progresively worse over time.
I was thinking about this just yesterday as I found an old conversation on skype I had with this abusive ex. I was shocked how much crap I would take from him and not even think twice.

Im 31 weeks pregnant with my first, very hormonal and I appreciate it puts strain on my fiance but he does really well to not loose his cool when Im being obviously unreasonable (yesterday I cried and went off in a strop when the cheese I was grating kept breaking in half!)

I wont bore you too much with our daily routine (he works, I work from home, he gets home and I cook, he walks the dog and then we watch a movie together)
But what makes me realise its a normal relationship is that for the first time in my life I dont feel like I need to change who I am to suit who Im with. I am not being made to feel guilty for being me.

I think we're normal!

We share cooking, cleaning, shopping, childcare. He does more heavy lifting, I do more finishing touches. We tend to outsource a lot (cleaner, dishwasher, online shopping) so day to day stuff doesn't get overwhelming.

We do fun stuff together and separately. This week I went to a gig and dh stayed home to look after Ds. I'm currently encouraging him to go to the rugby and cinema with his mates. Together we went for a walk in the park with Ds and Sunday lunch. We're supposed to be going shopping in a min for jubilee stuff.

We do grump with each other sometimes. It's usually when one or both of us is tired. It doesn't last long and it isn't brought up again and again.

We support each other. I supported dh when he tried to set up a business. He's supporting my plans to go part time and retrain. We're a team.

We're not getting much time to ourselves at the moment as we have a 6 month old but I don't feel as if this is a terrible thing that is damaging our relationship.

Thank you all.

(I'll just add that the examples I used in the op are things I've read on Relationships threads, and are not personal examples.)

Carer, Fool, SoSad007, that's exactly why I wanted this thread. for you all.

I've no idea what 'normal' is but DH and I love eachother, adore eachother in fact, we talk lots, laugh lots and support and respect one another. We also get on each others tits sometimes, wind each other up and have a bloody good row occasionally, it's only human. We don't control or own one another, we don't bully, manipulate or humiliate one another. These would be deal breakers for both of us and is not what I would consider 'normal'. If you feel happy and content at least 90% of the time then it's right, if not then there are questions to be asked as to whether you hang around I think.

Thankyou Jux Its a lovely thread and it has given me hope.

My DH respects me. If we disagree about something (eg when making a joint purchase for the house) and I say something he hasn't thought of, he will listen to me and will sometimes change his opinion based on what I have said.

He never puts me down in public.

When we argue (last time was a few weeks ago), I am the shouty one and he is the sulker. He'd never sulk for longer than one evening though.

We eat together almost every night - sitting at the kitchen table, not in front of the TV. I think this is important.

We dont live together. I have a toddler so he usually stays at mine rather than the other way round about three nights a week...I wake up to dp giving me a great big cuddle and a sweet lil whisper of something in my ear. Our alarm goes off at 6.10 and we then cuddle and hit the snooze button for half hour. Dp stays in bed for a bit whilst I get showered, and get my toddler up, dressed and fed. He'll then reappear, usually gets dd's shoes on and bits ready for nursery. About 7.45 we bundle in the car, drop dd at nursery then I drop dp at the station and part with a massive kiss followed by "one more, ok another one". Day goes by with a text or two from each other. Then back home in the evening he'll play with dd whilst I sought dinner. And by 8.30 we have the evening to ourselves, usually with a glass of vino, spooning and mundane telly followed by an early night o

Normal?
I'm not sure, but been with DH for 15 years, married for 5, two DSs 4 and 2.
We do get along, although sometimes the daily grind does get in the way and I sometimes worry we are more friends than lovers, as we were in the early days.
We do respect each other, we don't belittle each other. Yes we do argue, about money, or about how I feel the spark is gone and we need to relive it a bit, or about how I make all of the house decisions and I wish sometimes he would take the lead.
Housework wise he is great and does a lot. I'm very lucky. But then I have lower housework standards than him!
He totally supports me in whatever I want to do, never gets jealous, he is a fantastic dad and when we're both not pushed down in the daily grind, we giggle together about stuff. At worst, we take the stress of daily life out on each other and don't value or appreciate each other as much as we should. But on the good days, I just look at him and realise how lucky I am. But I know we both need to prioritise some time together and not take each other for granted, me in particular.
Navel gazing!

I was just thinking what to write and realised we're very similar to sheeplikessleep. I also have lower housework standards than DH, that's why we got a dishwasher, and our one source of arguements stopped.

We know when the other one is stressed, we respect each other, we make decisions together, we look after each other and look out for one another, we love our boys but know when to take over from each other when they're getting too much, and we can both see ourselves happily growing old together (DH is planning on being a grumpy old man and I'm going to practice being selectively deaf).

We've got to that point I remember observing with my (still happily married) parents, where one of us will suggest a cup of tea or a beer and the other will say 'ooh, yes please, I was just thinking that'.

Well, it's been a bit downhill for us at the moment. DP was made redundant and is struggling to find another job. I've been off sick with a bad spine. Money problems, 24/7 company and a lack of sex drive on my part has resulted in a strain on our relationship. But, DP adores me, will do anything for me. We had a talk the other night and things are slowly progressing. I go back to work soon which will definitely help - I'm not cut out to stay at home full time. DP has a few job interviews coming up. It's about time we had some good luck.

I can't fault DP's commitment to me and our DS. We alternate getting up with him every morning, he does most things for him as I haven't been able to do much due to my spine. He makes dinner, gives DS a bath, etc so no complaints there.

But the living in each others pockets is not healthy - for us anyway. I find it quite claustrophobic and having no money means we always stay in, in the evenings. I haven't been able to drive and as we live rurally I kind of depend on that.

So, a combination of my spinal problem, lack of money, loss of freedom and spending almost every waking minute together has meant we are both slightly unhappy at the moment. DS has been quite clingy so I have a feeling our stress is having an effect on him :( But this has been short term (2 months) and I'm hoping going back to work will benefit us all. I just need to have patience and remind myself it's not forever.

These are all so lovely, and bring tears to my eyes. I really thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You can see that there are already women in difficult relationships who are being given hope from your stories.

I am touched by this, deepfriedcupcake "one of us will suggest a cup of tea or a beer" because it reminds me of someone's thread (I won't say whose) where her dh walked through the room she was in without even looking at her, made himself a cuppa and wandered back past her. Never seemed to occur to him that he could make her one while he was at it. She was bfing their infant at the time....

See that Jux, (one of us will suggest a cup of tea or a beer) is what I consider normal. You'd do that for a mate, you should do it for your DP. We're lucky to have been together a long time, and effectively live like best friends who also have great sex and have two lovely boys.

It's alot easier now that they're not so very little (the effects of lack of sleep were more than I could ever have imaginged) but that's when I saw the very best of my DH, when he stepped up to the mark and really looked after me when I could barely boil an egg. It's lovely that now we're definitley getting back to the way things were before the boys (the spark's definitely back!) The only thing lacking is our former social life, though I've been assurred that comes back too eventually. And in the meantime we have to lovely boys to entertain us.

I'm pretty sure in fact I'm very sure my relationship isn't normal. This is how today has gone:
DS (almost 4) slept in our bed last night, DH gets up in the middle of the night as DS is kicking him and he can't sleep so he gets into DS's bed. DS wakes up 6:45am and chats with me for 10 mins before going in to see Daddy. Daddy and DS then come into our room and DH asks can I get up with DS as he has had an awful nights sleep (what will actually happen is he will have a wank into one of his socks which he will then leave on the floor- I have picked up wet socks off the floor before and knew what it was. He will then have a bit more kip, sex doesn't happen very often). I get up with DS then go and wake DH at 9am as I go to gym for an hour come home and then DH goes to gym. DH comes home from gym I make lunch, we all eat and go into town to do a few errands and go to the bank. We go to Sainsburys to get tea stuff and come home. DH goes and gets beer and fags and basically spends all night in the kitchen (from about 5pm) drinking and goes outside for fags and on twitter on his phone all night, I stay in living room with DS and we play games on my phone and watch telly and DS has his tea.
DH comes in every now and then to show me tweets he has written and replied to (like I give a flying fuck ). I get DS ready for bed and DH comes up and plays silly games with DS for a while. DS goes to sleep, I am in living room on MN and with TV on and DH is still in kitchen drinking wine now (2nd bottle and also has had beers too) and hasn't spoken to me all night apart from to show me twitter. i went into the kitchen and said to him that it's sad that we don't speak to each other all night only for him to show me twitter and he said "don't judge, tonights been a bad night I won't drink next week" which is an all too familiar promise that gets broken every week without fail.
We haven't rowed or anything, this is just how it is . He is away all next week on a conference and I am so looking forward to it- I hate that this is how our marriage has ended up.

Oh God.
Sounds like my relationship with
Dh isn't normal.

Things have been pretty bad for us recently.
Ds has been ill and h blames me. He says I don't know how to feed my own child- severe reflux plus peg feeding tube awaiting operations to correct it. He's nearly 2.
We've been married 3 yrs next month.
He's not talking to me, answering my calls or returning texts and emails ( he lives abroad due to visa issues atm)
He's had a stressful life and ive just put it down to that buuut more recently ive decided that I won't call or txt or email him until he does.
Everything that happens is 'my fault'
I've been sworn at and threatend with a divorce as I told him i started smoking after ds was ill in hosp for a week having tube put it in- no support there either.
Fuck.
I've been thinking about leaving but I do love him- the old him from before I had ds.
My dad said to my mum after I got married " he doesn't know how lucky he is. My daughter could get some one better. She's better looking than him. He doesn't deserve her"

:(

My day today
Ive been out. Had to get ds some stuff.
I emailed him asking him to ring my dad as he isn't well and I don't want my dad stressing about me n him but he didn't.
I've had ds all day ( like everyday) by myself.
Hes got health issues.
I used to be shouted at and ignored if I went out and spe t money ( which he isn't giving I'm on dole)
Hed be moody if I was late in answering calls.
Damn I feel like shit now

I think DH and I have a normal relationship, and I think respect is the key. Respect is absolutely fundamental. We might not always like each other or even want to be around each other but we will always, always take each other's feelings into account and we will never deliberately try to hurt each other. Because we have that respect we can be open around one another, be silly together, tell each other our stupid wishes and dreams and just be ourselves without worrying that we will be belittled or knocked down. That gives great freedom and comfort because being at home really feels like "home" - a place to relax and have fun, mess about, have nice meals and watch films and just hang out. There's no tenseness or angst, it's always calm (in spite of toddler tantrums!) and peaceful and a place to escape from the world.

Respect also means that we can argue sensibly. I know if DH brings something up he's not doing it to get at me or annoy me, he's doing it because it's really an issue. That means I don't have to defend myself, I can just give my point of view and we will both listen to each other and try to work it out.

To be honest though we are hopeless at arguing. I'll complain about something, DH will say sorry, I'll look at him (big mistake) and my heart will melt, then he'll smile and say something silly, I'll say something silly back and we'll end up snogging the face off each other

A typical day in our house involves a lot of crazy talk, a lot of kissing, a lot of smacking each other on the bum, some "Ah feck I'm tired" and a lot of cuddling. Sounds boakworthy but it is great. We definitely have had hard times but after ten years we've worked it out and we just try to enjoy each other as much as we can. Helps that he's ridiculously gorgeous and sexy too :)

Toothbrushthief- I'm so pleased for you! extra bunting, bells and whistles

I want this for my sister but she's pregnant now and I worry it won't happen

My experience:
Wake up at 715 after H left at 630 with sranies prepped by me.
Gets home at 6 ish
I have done cleaning, cooking, laundry, kids etc
H will either be out at sport or in smoking. This is when he can argue at me if he decides to.
He goes up to bed.
I cant cuddle him because every kiss turns into a want for more.
Quite often am on the sofa.

Looking at this thread is like being cold and hungry in the snow and pressing your nose up against a window lit up from inside with a cosy glow from a roaring fire; the family inside merry, well fed and loved. I want to keep peeking in on normal relationships forever.

I have never been loved. I married the first person I slept with; but unfortunately my h was somebody incapable of love, empathy and affection. But I thought that was normal as I never had a father growing up (after my father died when I was newborn, my mother retreated into her grief and never dated again), and was too shy and dorky to go out with boys.

In my marriage my h was controlling, aggressive, sefish and violent. I have never been more unhappy in my life than when I was with him; and in our twisted relationship I believed him when he said he loved me. It was only after we split that I realised that he didn't love me and could never have done as you could not treat anyone like that if you did.

Somehow my brief, hellish marriage produced a butterfly of a child. I hope he grows up to have healthy relationships and is happy in his life.

I don't know that I can teach him by example however; I don't think I want to trust or date again.

It's too late to come back out of the cold

I don't want to think it's too late to come out of the cold.
I'm in my early 20s and just want to live a happy 'normal' life
Is it too much to ask for?

It isn't too late at all. Remember that lots of us in normal relationships weren't always. I had a bloody awful first marriage. I remember the feeling of utter relief tinged with guilt, sadness and fear as I walked into the Courts to get the papers to divorce him. I learned in that marriage what I wasn't going to put up with. I was never again going to not know where my husband was for days on end, find him slumped in a chair stinking of booze at 9am. I remember we had to share the flat for a while after we separated (money) and seeing him passed out asleep in a chair and thinking, "he's not my problem any more".

My current DH has a wonderful, loving family of his own, who treat him like an adult worthy of respect and he treats them the same. There are plenty of wonderful people out there. Come inside, the fire is lovely.

I'm Muslim so divorce isn't taken upon nicely.
'h' has threatened to kill himself the last time we argued like this and he's my ds daddy.
I'm just scared that if I move on what will become of ds.
He's been through a lot but he needs to understand that i will not have him belittle me.

He rang my dad and so I thought ok I will ring him but he didn't pick up. His number was busy before I rang.
Ive had my fair share if problems in the past too but I worshipped the ground he walked on. He meant so much too me and atm I'm just stone cold numb.

Just so emotionally tired with his crap.
I have enough to deal with ds but he just likes to blame me.

Thank you for inviting me in. I might just take you up on the offer.

I think we're unconventionally normal

We bicker, but don't row often. We've only had two shouty screamy rows, once a few weeks before our wedding when he got arrested for drunk and disorderly and resisting arrest, and one about 3 weeks ago when he went o hit my ex boss who bullied me very badly at my last job, so I think they are deserved.

Weve been together 7 years, married 5. Expats for 4. No kids. Neither of us do housework, so we have a cleaner. He can't cook to save his life, so I do all the cooking, but maybe twice a week he'll offer to cook, which translates to he rings the takeaway.

Unconventional as he lives away now from Saturday to Thursday and has done for about 6 months. Yet on a thursday when he walks through the door I always have a beer poured for him and a shirt ready for going out that night, I get a big kiss and a cuddle. I'm always sad when he leaves on a Saturday morning.

I get random texts throughout the week saying 'miss the wife lots'

I do most of the finances and bill payments etc, but only because he's not physically here to do it. I do the booking flight tickets home and stuff, becaus ethe only time I've let him do it before, we ended up sitting at opposite ends of the plane for a 8 hour flight because he forgot to prebook the seats.

He doesn't do flowers delivered to work or anything, but when I ended up on crutches and living alone cos he was on site, he rang his mate and got him to pop round and brew up for me and bring me pizza.

We makeup football chants about each other

He understands my lack of sex drive, which is weight and depression related and doesn't pester.

All in all, he's a pretty good egg and that's nothing to do with his big bald head, honest

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I spent a lot of time thinking they were all bonkers, doors slamming, random arguments and generally abusive behaviour. Left home at 18.

I've always been determined to provide a stable and secure home for any DCs I had, and am now in my mid-thirties and happily married with a DD 2.10 and DS 15mths.

DH gets up at 6.30 for work and brings me a cup of tea and DS a bottle because he'll start stirring at 7ish. Kiss goodbye. I only work 2 days a week so do most of the childcare, housework and food. DH puts one kid to bed while I put the other one down. Then telly and bed. Lots of random pats on bums and cups of tea etc.

It's calm and lovely. We do row sometimes, but don't make nasty remarks and don't try to score points. DH is prone to sulking, but for a couple of hours max. I'm more likely to have a rant and then once I've got whatever it is off my chest am over it.

When my DM comes to stay she goes all misty-eyed and says how pleased for me she is. I just wish she'd done it for herself.

If you are in a relationship where you're unhappy because of your partners behaviour/attitude you are wasting your life. Get out and don't end up full of regrets in your seventies like my poor DM.

I am reading this threaD wondering where the posts are from some on here who tell other posters that their relationship aren't good and that they should leave? They're hugely vocal on those threads. Less so on here...

My marriage is based on respect and kindness. The sexual side isn't there so much now, but he is so kind to me.

This is a lovely thread.