Normal relationships

[Jux]

Do you think your relationship with your spouse is pretty normal, and happy. Do you love him/her? Do you treat each other with respect?

I am becoming increasingly worried as so many people on this part of the board are living within shit relationship, and wondered if those who were generally happy with their spouse could spare a bit of time to just log the normal day to day interactions within their family. Just so that the people here who are in abusive relationships have some sort of normality to measure themselves against.

For instance, is it normal to have a row with your partner and your partner to then sulk and refuse to speak to you for two weeks? What happens when you have a row?

How about if you were at home with three small children all day, one of whom was sick. Would your partner be seriously pissed off with you because you were knackered and hadn't managed to get the hoovering done? How about if you were ill?

There are so many people who are grateful for crumbs which anyone else would take for granted. I wondered if between us, MN could come up with some sort of indication of how people treat each other normally, something you could look at and say "I had no idea people were like that with each other" or "oh yes, I remember when that was normal, gosh that was a long time ago, what has happened to me that I'd forgotten that?".

I'm here LostMy

How do you mean?

Yes, I'm quite often on relationships threads and I'm here too.

I think though that many people who post on relationships threads have been through the mill themselves, and recognise the symptoms of a bad relationship, possibly better than the person in it. Most people pass on their learnt wisdom - and some of them will not be in a new relationship because they got too badly burnt (or too recently).

So I can't see the need for the snide comment at all, LostMy.

It's not abide. It's an honest comment which struck me whilst reading through.

I am on the relationships threads, and I have been meaning to post here too although I haven't yet.

I've been in crap relationships and so the difference is clear - it's not so clear when you're in the crap relationship, and quite honestly if I ever heard anyone mention anything about their "normal" relationship, I assumed they were fantastically lucky and that men like their bf/DH were rare. Sad but true :(

Having lived the difference between a crap relationship and a healthy one it makes me feel even more strongly that the only relationship worth having is a decent one - being in an unhealthy relationship drains your very soul away.

I'm often a 'leave the barsteward' poster

It is as Thumbwitch says... have been through the mill themselves, and recognise the symptoms of a bad relationship, possibly better than the person in it. Most people pass on their learnt wisdom

I'm out, escaped, free, moved on!!! It took me yrs to recognise that a) I should do it and b) could do it. I regret waiting.

I agree with thumb.
What's that saying
Once bitten twice shy?

He's emailed me saying that anyone who marries me are better off dead and he will start doing ' bad things'.
Where on earth are we going with this

DF and I have a good relationship. We started out as friends and still are each others best friends only we live together, have children together and sleep together. We disagree a lot but they're never deal breaking decisions as we have the same stance on parenting, love, marriage, monogamy, household contribution etc. We argue about silly things about once a fortnight but we make up within hours once we've cooled off and asessed the situation which I think is pretty normal. We have sex twice ish a week and don't make a big deal if we do or don't as we're quite happy finding intimacy in hand holding, cuddling, kisses etc. We both have things going on outside of the home (jobs, hobbies) but we spend a lot of time together. It's mostly at home watching a film though as we're too broke to go out after factoring in a babysitter etc.

He is a great father. He does lose his temper but goes away to calm down and all is well. He likes a drink and can get too carried away but it's not a regular occurance. He's not violent, emotionally or financially abusive. He supports me and vice versa.

I love him, he loves me, we would both die for our children and he's kind. He'll say nice things about my figure which isn't very nice, pick up my favourite sweets from the shop, do the school run if he's home even if it is the last thing he wants to do, lets me sleep in, takes the children to his mums on a Sunday for an hour or two so I can have a break etc.

He sounds amazing written down. I can assure you that he has his very annoying points but I am very lucky.

We have spent the afternoon (me. DP and 3 ds (not his)) making cupcakes and watching the flotilla.

we made an awful mess, decorated 75 cupcakes, had a great laugh and tidied up together...

we love each other, take care of each others needs and respect each others view point.

i am very lucky - so is he.

its good; we disagree sometimes; I think that's normal. but we are respectful and don't score points/bitch in public/put one another down.

he is also a much much better father to my kids than their biological parent. For that I love him to bits

I'm hiding this thread I think.
Are you all lucky or do you just work harder at your relationships?

I am lucky that Imet him, He is lucky that he met me . when we were both single. I dont work hard at it - I dont have to 90% of the time, its easy. if there is n 'issue' we both try hard to see it from each other perspective. and we compromise. and we talk. its not 'hard work' .. sometimes its hard to put one's feelings / wishes into words; sometime its hard not getting my own way... uit its not hard work

Reading these posts sounds as if good relationships are not hard, hard work. Is that normal? Because we are told constantly that the relationships that break down are because either party has not worked hard enough at it.

I agree with you Bertie when you've been in a relationship far from good, you do assume that good relationships are hard to come by; that there are very few people happy in their relationships and unhappy or indifferent relationships the norm.

Likewise if you're in a happy, healthy relationship you can be really shocked by coming into contact with couples who are unhappy or bickering

I do think it depends on a) luck in locating a lovely partner and b) being brave enough to turn down the nearly but not quite....

Sometimes the nearly but not quite turn out to be the bloody awfuls a few yrs down the line.

How many women start their threads being apologetic and asking is it me? am I being unreasonable expecting (er....respect and love usually?)

How many say I can't leave because.... (money/he's their father/other people's opinion) or the real biggies I'm frightened of what he will do and most of the time (when he's not threatening me or calling me disgusting names/raping me or hitting me ) he's a lovely man and a lovely Dad .....or the other last resort... he is depressed and may do himself harm if I leave.

My biggest message would be you don't have to tolerate this. You are worth more and will be happier alone. The 'hump' you have to get over (separation/divorce) is dire. No masking this. But, it gives you a future. Then, be happy being single. Only allow a man in if he adds to your life. You don't need one

itsnotjustaslap
There is hard work and hard work.

I'd suggest anyone with children takes stock and says can we fix this - do we need to find time together and remember what we had. Do we need to communicate more?

Marriages need nurturing....not hard work

but you just don't know what the normal base is.
Esp. if your parents' weren't the best role models.
It's hard to know what normal is. Even though is easy to see when something's off. Trouble is, when something's off and you;ve had a bad base then you would look for the blame in yourself.

I will tell my DD to find a kind man. Everything else pales into insignificance.

DH is a kind man. My dad is a kind man. I knew it when I found it.

That's a very good message toothbrush thief.

For me it's the thought that ok theres someone there to pick me up when I'm down ( well not lately) but I'm starting to feel like well he isn't interested neither am I. My db asked me if h had rang and I said no. Then I told him the plus side of him not ringing is that I don't have to worry what he's going to say next- if I've been out: y? If I've spent some money y?
But for me atm is the later part of what you said- babys daddy, other people, self harm. I don't want that to be on my head. Atm it seems like any decision I make is wrong.
If he's not rung me by the end of this week then I think it will decision time. I do want to move on. I don't like ' feeling lonely' but by the sounds of it you lot have got all the good guys lol.
X

It is so hard coffee when you don't have a normal base. I think this was what the thread was meant to be, in a way. Of course a thread on the internet is nothing compared with real life experience and this can often overtake, but sometimes all we need is a little window into others' lives to be able to take a look at the bigger picture of our own.

I think the saddest thing is when you realise what you have isn't great, in fact it's not even normal. Because that's what you've thrived on for so long it is so scary for that to be taken away. But it is worth it in the end, it really and truly is.

I used to find it incredibly painful to hear/read about "normal" or healthy relationships when I was with XP.

Oh I know.
I realise this is why I have stopped seeing some friends - couple who get on well together. Because then it stares you in the face.

:( That's awful.

Oh no.
Don't get me wrong.
We have good days, and bad days and sometimes I wonder if the bad days are only in my head.

this thread is making me sad. so hard to define normal as my parents relationship was awful and still is. i think mine was normal in the beginning but isnt now and i think its too late for it to be.

i know the ease and peacefulness isnt there and i hate it. normal weekdays (am a sahm) do usual house chores nursery drop off etc. husband home at 7pmish plays with kids. then one takes one to bed and one the other. he will have eaten when he comes in i think to avoid eating with me. i eat later. then he goes on computer and i watch tv. if i try to talk i get the i am too tired want to rest now. he will never initiate a conversation unless its something logistical about the kids. then we go to bed still not much talking. then it starts again.

past few weeks awful as he has taken time off but just been under my feet stressing me out all the time. doesnt go anywhere as he wants to rest at home but thats when i need my space. even worse with these fucking extra bank holidays have had enough of him.

shit that all sounds awful but atm i really hate my life but have become too depressed to leave. feel like as if thats all i deserve. am constantly being put down too and if we are talking on the phone and he gets stressed will hang up on me which i hate but if i confront him about anything that upsets me he attacks me and gets defensive and turns it on me as its all my fault as i stress him out.

aaargh u do get used to it and its depressing to know other people have nice lives. unfortunately i donth think it will ever be me.

Yummytummy you do deserve better.
All of us in bad relationships do deserve better
X

coffee if the bad days are enough to make you stop contact with happier couples can they really just be in your head?

Reading some of these comments is so sad. You are worth so much more.

I think the thread should be called help others with shot relationships lol.
This has really opened my eyes and given a bit of hope but I don't want to be divorced and lonely for the rest of my life. It will really do my head in about thinking if I've made the right choice for me and ds.
I was talking to my mum and she said if he wants a divorce then fine but he's missing out and you can do better. Then my only question is can another man really lOve ds like his own?

X