Normal relationships

[Jux]

Do you think your relationship with your spouse is pretty normal, and happy. Do you love him/her? Do you treat each other with respect?

I am becoming increasingly worried as so many people on this part of the board are living within shit relationship, and wondered if those who were generally happy with their spouse could spare a bit of time to just log the normal day to day interactions within their family. Just so that the people here who are in abusive relationships have some sort of normality to measure themselves against.

For instance, is it normal to have a row with your partner and your partner to then sulk and refuse to speak to you for two weeks? What happens when you have a row?

How about if you were at home with three small children all day, one of whom was sick. Would your partner be seriously pissed off with you because you were knackered and hadn't managed to get the hoovering done? How about if you were ill?

There are so many people who are grateful for crumbs which anyone else would take for granted. I wondered if between us, MN could come up with some sort of indication of how people treat each other normally, something you could look at and say "I had no idea people were like that with each other" or "oh yes, I remember when that was normal, gosh that was a long time ago, what has happened to me that I'd forgotten that?".

I think this thread is important to remind you that expecting the above is not unreasonable nor impossible.

I'm still at a stage in my life when I fear a return to the bad old relationship pattern. I don't really feel like I deserve it or that it is normal.

Really important to me is the chance to maintain my independence. That makes me feel safe and that there won't be any barriers to 'walking' if things deteriorate. Everyone says it, but it is so true that to have a good relationship you need to be single and happy. If you know that being single is good, why would you let a bad relationship endure?

Lovely thread, was thinking just yesterday how nice it would be to hear from those in happy relationships.

Gives us hope for the future + stops us thinking there are no decent men or women out there.

Thanks OP

I love DH and he loves me - I would say our relationship could be better in terms of helping each other out more, more mutual respect - but we still have a lot of laughs, and care about each other.
Sulking may last for a few hours (on either part) if we've had a bad row - but we always make up within a day.

There are things we could work on - what scares me most is when DH claims that he "doesn't need to change" or says things like "don't tell me what to do" - because he's usually being at his most obnoxious at the time.

But we work things out together.

So is this normal? I don't know - it's "normal for us" but it could probably be better.

Me and DP argue. About stupid things. Almost everyday. I'm hot headed and have no patience. Whereas he just can't be arsed.

We're never really very lovey dovey either if I'm honest. Sex life isn't really there any more but we've got a young baby do I'm just too knackered and I see bed to sleep (that's dead bad isn't it )

I still fancy him rotten and I do respect him (though we hardly ever show it)

We are due to get married once we have pennies saved for a honeymoon and reception.

I may add we are really happy and I love him dearly. We couldn't be without each other.

Arguing is fine, sulking for days is not.

I was in a very emotionally (and once or twice phsyically) abusive relationship for three years, untill I finished it in April 2011.
Since May 2011, I have been in a 'normal' relationship. It's taken me a while to realise and remember that it is not good to argue every day, and that I shouldn't be treated like a slave.
We have only been together a year, but I knew from the first day that this is the man I want to marry. We have just had our first child!

-About 7am I'll wake up, feed the baby, make OH a coffee and some juice, and take it to him in bed. I'll sit with the baby for an hour or so, while OH wakes up, showers and gets ready for work. He goes to work about 9ish.

-We live in the same building where he works, so he pops back into the flat at random points to check I'm doing ok with the baby, and let me out for a fag. (Shock horror, new mum smokes!) During the day I'll take the dog for two or three walks, fit in some housework, and feed/look after the baby.

-OH finishes work around 5pm. I'll bath the baby, and either feed him while OH cooks, or he'll feed the LO while I cook. My OH really enjoys cooking - I think it helps him to wind down at the end of a long day. Baby is in bed by about 7pm, and we then have about 3-4 hours chilling in front of the TV, eating our dinner and chatting about stuff. He's a very quiet man, and after the years of drama in my life, I am so grateful that we are able to just sit and be with each other.

-10pm the baby is woken for a feed and a cuddle with both of us, then back in bed by 11pm. We're both in bed by midnight. I get up and do the night feeds, seeing as I don't work and can sleep during the day if I'm really tired.

My OH generally works 9-5, but sometimes doesn't finish till 7/8pm and can also be on call over night too in case of emergencies. I am more than happy to keep the flat looking nice because he works so hard.

I have enjoyed reading this thread :)

I'll tell you about DH and I. Not because I think we're perfect at all, and I'm certainly not smug about it. I do actually think we're very normal and it's a nice feeling. We have been married almost 2 years, together for 5 years and have a 3 year old dd.

He is a SAHD and I work full time, so he does most of the child care weekdays, although he gets a lie in til about 7.45am as I'm an early riser and have to be up and about for work. On a weekend we usually get one lie in each or if I'm knackered he might suggest I go for an afternoon nap on a Sunday (bliss!).

We share the cooking about 50:50 as we both like cooking. Neither of us are big into housework - it gets done when we have visitors etc! Generally shared. I do mine and dd's ironing. He does his own.

We always have lots of kisses and cuddles eg when cooking or washing up. Sometimes all 3 of us will have a cuddle together. Last night while I was putting dd to bed unbeknown to me he hid in our bedroom and when I came through he jumped out at me and scared me witless. We had a good laugh about that!

We do occasionally argue, but I hate confrontation so it's more of a disagreement really e.g he leaves stuff laid around the house and I refuse to pick up after him! We don't sulk - I think it's better to say what you want to say and then move on. Our crisis point often comes when driving on a long journey as he has unrealistc expectations of me as a navigator, but within minutes of us arriving it is forgotten.

We don't really go in for big romantic gestures but I know he cares about me by the way he acts. Asking how my day was, leaving little notes in my lunch for work, sending me a text saying him and dd think I'm fab or similar. His grandma died recently and he said I have been his rock and have got him through the funeral etc.

We rarely go out due to childcare but we are making an effort for our anniversary and going away without dd for 2 nights to the Lakes next month. I am so excited about spending 2 days with him...that's a good sign isn't it!

Hope some of you in difficult relationships find a nice guy soon - they are out there x

I third what Talc said. Our relationship is very much like hers with her OH. I think that if you have love and respect the rest will follow.

It makes me sad and angry when I read on here what some women have to put up with. Neither OH nor I are argumentative or confrontational and we hate strife of any form so, while we occasionally bicker, we never row and neither of us are sulkers - DD does that for both of us!

OH and I have been together for nearly 34 years BTW.

Dunno! I think we probably have a very good relationship but I'm quite bad at comparing to others.

We bicker about trivial things most days, but if someone says 'you're upsetting me' we shut that down. We've had a couple of massive rows, maybe four, over 12 years of pretty much 24/7 being together. We've never been at war for more than a day. Even when we're having a bit of a barney I expect criticism to be confined to my actions and not my person. DP has never called me a bitch or anything like that and I've never tried to hurt him either, though sometimes we have hurt each other with our choices/behaviours.

It matters, how I feel, and how he feels. We mind about that over and above the disagreement in front of us. Kindness is paramount. We don't mock or scorn each other. I can be myself with him and not be afraid. He has never made me afraid, even when I've made him very angry or upset, and same for him, I hope.

We get on, in general; we have things to say to each other. DP is generally interested in whatever nonsense I am saying and vice versa. We don't compromise much on matters of opinion, we take turns. Someone can say 'this really matters to me' over whatever, the colour of the curtains or the present we get someone and they get to choose. That works pretty well. I do everything I can and he does everything he can, with regards to housework etc, and sometimes we are crap and don't do everything we should, but don't leave it to the other either.

We tell each other a lot, but we don't expect the right to each other's thoughts and feelings. Privacy is not a betrayal, though I would expect to be told about any major life decisions. We have our own friends and together friends. We pay all our money into a joint account and pay out an equal amount into personal accounts each month for pocket money. I expect to be able to spend that without consultation and same for him. The rest of it goes on running the household sensibly, with saving.

Can't think of anything else.

Yes, most importantly, dp has never in my memory called me a name in the heat of the moment. He has described my behaviour or my actions in terms I don't agree with, he has criticised my reactions, but all this, IMHO, is normal argument stuff. He never calls me names, he certainly never describes me negatively to my childre (for example, if we are arguing and the children overhear, he will just say "we are talking about something that doesn't involve you, go and watch the tv in the other room.")

I'm glad this thread is up- I've been talking to my sister about this for ages.
She is in an emotionally abusive relation with her husband who won't/can't be arsed to change as things are fine for him.
She says her expectations of a relationship were too high and his are realistic

She sees mine and DP's relationship and thinks we are special and unique, but I think we have a normal (whatever that means!) relationship.

We love, respect, support, praise, are open, honest and equal with each other.
We rarely argue and take time to appreciate each other.

We share chores and responsibilities (we take it in turns weekly to get up early with the dogs and leave the other to lie in)

We share similar values and attitudes to things (though I am by far more tolerant when things go wrong!)

I don't believe there is such a thing as a 'perfect' relationship but as someone said further up, they shouldn't wear you down constantly or always need work.

I think I'm lucky to have my DP but know its not by accident that we're still together 6 years down the line. Obviously there are things that niggle us about each other but they are not deal breakers, just foibles!

Despite what my sister says, I don't think that love is enough- there needs to be more.

DH and I went out last night to a work/friend thing of his.

He spent the entire evening introducing me, explaining who was who, he was very proud to show me off as his wife IYSWIM?

He got up at 6am this morning as he is taking DS and another 2 boys to a football tournament 2 hrs drive away, and will do the same tomorrow and Monday, all without complaint or organisation by me. He tried to be quiet to avoid waking me up but I did wake up so he went downstairs and made me a cup of coffee unprompted.

He has no expectation that I will do anything today (I will clean the house in peace) and if I were to spend the day in bed ignoring the mess his response would be "good for you, that's what days off are for".

He can be a stropper, but not about us, about horrible traffic, news items, etc. when he is called on his stroppiness, he stops immediately.

He tells me he loves me several times a day and always at night before we go to sleep. We are definately each others best friends.

Met 19 years ago, married for 18 years this year.

I wasn't going to add to this thread, as OH and I are having a bit of a bump at the minute. I'm having a shitty time at work, his family are being arses x100.

Anyway, we had a row last night, lots of shouting, this is good all of OHs family are brooders and sulkers, you can accidently offend someone and they'll never tell you for months, just be off and rude and let it build, and you never know what's wrong, till suddenly they flare at you and you did x 9 mths ago & Y 6 mths ago, and you have no memory of it.

my family we're loud and shouty and if you piss someone off you know so you can either apologise or tell them to fuck off, and get it all out and 10 minutes later air is cleared and we're all friends again.

OH thought brooding was normal, I thought my family was, we've reached a middle ground, don't brood, don't explode about everything.

Anyway Big fight about housework last night, ivegot in to the habit of doing too much of it, he's got in to the habit of letting me.

We still cuddled in bed because even after 17 years we can't not touch each other.

He had to go out this morning so woke me with a kiss a glass of OJ, and an apology, he's sorry that he's not been pulling his weigh, I apologised that I blew at him instead of talking.

He suggested going for a drink just the 2 of us so I could off load about work (we have lots of family commitments this weekend).

Things are solved by any means, BUT, I'm not worried about what will happen when he gets home etc.

This is a great idea for a thread :)

So easy to lose sight of what is a normal reasonable expectation in a relationship when you're either in an abusive one and/or have never experienced a healthy one.

I used to work so hard for my exH and my SCs that I would fantasize about breaking my leg so that I would be able to lie down in and have a rest for a bit... I did everything, shouldered everything, got no support, was the main breadwinner, did all the cooking and cleaning and he refused to have a family with me, despite me co-parenting his DCs for 10 years. And don't get me started on the weird sex... I am now with a man who brings me breakfast in bed, always looking out for me and who's clothes I cheerfully rip off on a regular basis! We argue occassionally as we both work long hours and he works away and we haven't fully cracked long distance comms in the week, but he has a heart of gold (sorry if that makes anyone vom, it's making me vom reading it....!) and it's a proper partnership.... he even tolerates my online shopping (but it was in the SALES!) habit and I tolerate his strange relationship with anything with an engine in it...

I've got a new partner, only 3 months, but it feels like much longer. He just slid into my life one day and it felt normal and like he'd been there ages.

What I like about him is that he is fair. He cooks, I wash up. We have each cleaned each others houses on the odd occasion! He is interested in my job and I his so he listens to me which is odd for me as my job is hardcore and sad at times.

He takes me out all the time, along to the gigs he is playing or studios etc. Its really great to socialise with his friends all the time. he came out with my friend and had a few pints (he doesn't really drink) and he got a bit tiddly and was reaching across the table all the time telling me how great he thinks I am!!!

He also cuddles me all night long which is lovely.

We have each brought each other stuff for our houses too.

But the main thing I am getting from this man is higher standards. I work harder at less things, things that actually make me happy. The tv hasnt gone on for weeks. But I am fitter, my hair is a better shape, I am wearing better clothes, I eat better food (all low GI these days).

In return he gets what I think is 'succour' from me - and my cat. He gets love and affection from us both.

In the past I have had selfish boyfriends, or boyfriends who were poor socially, and a drunk boyfriend who thought he was it. And a date for a week or two who shouted at me!! This guy's like a breath of fresh air!!

Yoghurty Sat 02-Jun-12 10:05:34 She says her expectations of a relationship were too high and his are realistic

She sees mine and DP's relationship and thinks we are special and unique, but I think we have a normal (whatever that means!) relationship.

This is where I was. Worthless. That was me.
No more.

Forgot to say - I was abused as a girl and grew into a people pleaser. This meant I would wear what I thought they liked. I never really developed my own look. Then they would fuck off and I'd be left not sure of who I was.

Because my new man is into his 'look' quite a lot, I was worried that I would be expected to toe his line there. I spoke to him about it and now he is sure to say 'No you tell ME what you like, how you like it.' It means the world. But he is a very gentle man. I used to go for alpha types. This one is much better.

We stayed round MIL's last night as she had an op yesterday. DH woke up, blew me a kiss and went off with her to walk the dogs.

They got back after I'd had breakfast and we had a chat and a cuppa, and called for a cab. We joked around and hugged.

We came home and fed the cat, and DH made us a cuppa. I'm on MN downstairs catching up and he's upstairs on his PC killing orcs. We're going into town later and might hold hands.

We do have some issues, but we're talking about them. We're planning to go away later in the week to spend time chatting away from the house.

We rarely have a shouty row - when we do we tend to make up pretty quickly. We try to talk about things that bother us, and get them out in the open. Neither of us are huge sulkers, thank the stars. He makes me laugh and is very affectionate.

I've had abusive relationships. This one may be occasionally problematic, but it's not abusive.

Today DH got up early - TBH mainly because he was taking the older DCs out to play tennis this morning, but we usually do take turns at weekends.

He brought me a cup of tea and apologised that he didn't stop DC3 getting in to bed with me (wakes me up). I said it didn't matter.

DH took only 1 DC out to play tennis because DC2 had a strop. While they were out I put some washing on and hoovered. DH would not have batted an eyelid if I had done neither. DH and DC1 then went off to a music festival, (DC2 didn't want to go and DH had tried hard to persuade her).

We had a slight disagreement as I wanted to dock DC1's pocket money for something, DH doesn't think this is working as a deterrent, so I said "OK well think of something else then." I then heard him tell DC1 his pocket money had been docked.

I have offered to drive down and pick up DC1 if he is not enjoying the festival so that DH can stay there longer. DH said not to worry, he will leave early if DC1 is really not enjoying it.

I am mildly irritated that I have a load of rubbish to clear out of a storage box that may or may not be collected today. But I arranged that yesterday and DH has had this festival arranged for ages so there was really no opportunity for him to have done it, so I know that is irrational.

I forgot to ask DH what he would like for dinner, and am cross with myself as we like to have something "nice" on a Saturday night and I wish I knew what he fancies.

Together 10 years, married for 8. Had a huge row in 2005 (outed myself now) and that (touch wood) is the only one we've ever had.

We've had more than our fair share of problems since we've been together, unemployment, redundancy, illness, stepchildren, exes, but we've always managed to work it out.

Today I'm not well, he's not here and I miss him. Really looking forward to seeing his car pull in later this afternoon.

We look after each other and we compromise. He tells me every day that he loves me.

D

Together 11 yrs, 2 kids, I would say we are very happily married.

We bicker now and then and have proper arguments once in a blue moon. I'm not afraid of a ruck . Mainly, though, we rub along nicely. We're both supportive of each others' careers and social lives. We share equal responsibility for the house and kids (this is crucial, im0). I can talk to him about anything, and he feels the same. We make each other laugh and we still have good sex. At the very core of the relationship is absolute trust ad respect. DH has never spoken out of line to me, even in a heated argument, and he allows me a wonderful sort of freedom within our relationship - to have friends, to have a life and interests outside of our family (and vice versa).

I don't feel smug, just very lucky. I picked a good 'un.

To answer the OP I think I have a pretty normal relationship. We don't really argue, maybe once a year, and when we do I usually feel better afterwards because some issue or another has been resolved. Neither of us sulk, and we generally make up within an hour or two.

We are both crap with housework. He does the vast majority of the cooking. I do washing and very little ironing. I do a bit more of the cleaning than him, but he works a few more hours a week than me. We both work shifts so childcare is split pretty much 50 50.

I have recently got a horse, which means I spend a lot of time stinking of horse, and the house frequently has a trail of wood shavings through it when I come back from the stables. Standards, which were not hight at all before, have slipped in the last few weeks, and I am out a lot more than I was before. DH has said nothing about any of this, apart from the odd joke that all the riding will firm my bum up!

It is not perfect, and we do have the odd niggle at each other if we are tired and grumpy, but I think for me the key is that DH adds something to my life, while taking absolutely nothing away. I know he would support me in whatever I wanted to do. Someone else said it is important to know you can be happily single and I think that is very true. I lived on my own quite happily before I met DH, and I know if necessary I could do that again, so I will never be forced to stay. I am with him because I wat to be. I hope that doesn't sound smug, I am not very good at getting across how I feel, but I love the idea of this thread, and hope it does help someone!