Normal relationships

[Jux]

Do you think your relationship with your spouse is pretty normal, and happy. Do you love him/her? Do you treat each other with respect?

I am becoming increasingly worried as so many people on this part of the board are living within shit relationship, and wondered if those who were generally happy with their spouse could spare a bit of time to just log the normal day to day interactions within their family. Just so that the people here who are in abusive relationships have some sort of normality to measure themselves against.

For instance, is it normal to have a row with your partner and your partner to then sulk and refuse to speak to you for two weeks? What happens when you have a row?

How about if you were at home with three small children all day, one of whom was sick. Would your partner be seriously pissed off with you because you were knackered and hadn't managed to get the hoovering done? How about if you were ill?

There are so many people who are grateful for crumbs which anyone else would take for granted. I wondered if between us, MN could come up with some sort of indication of how people treat each other normally, something you could look at and say "I had no idea people were like that with each other" or "oh yes, I remember when that was normal, gosh that was a long time ago, what has happened to me that I'd forgotten that?".

Hey, I'm quite fat and have a kid with behavioural problems, and if I can land a reasonable man, anyone can.

There are a lot of nice men out there, some of them really do want to just meet someone nice that they'd be thrilled to bed and wed, but while you're with a twat, you'll never know them because decent men don't interfere in other people's relationships.

It's only when you're single that they all start crawling out of the woodwork and telling you how awesome they think you are..... And it's only when you've been burned by a few more twats that you realise that YOU are the prize, that YOU have the power to offer or refuse the magical golden vagina that they want so much, and YOU get to choose who gets it.

I went from being a size sixteen, miserable, ugly feeling 27 year old to being a size sixteen, gorgeous feeling 32 year old, and all it took was NOT being with my ex. I didn't have to find someone else to feel attractive, all I had to do was get away from someone who constantly treated me like shit!

When I first read the OP I thought yes this what a lot a people need - to understand what a normal relationship is like, me included! There are far too many people who have grown up without the influence of a man (grandfather, father, brother) in their life that they don't know what's normal (speaking from the heart here).
However, I actually can't read a lot of what you kind people have taken the time to write as it hurts that I've not experienced anything like it. Have started and now just place marking so I can look back but great post Jux think it was needed!

I have a happy marriage, with normal ups and downs. If we have a row, we make up the same day, and neither of us sulk.

If I don't get a chance to do the housework because DS is sick (or for any other reason) DH wouldn't even mention it. He might suggest getting a takeaway so I don't have to cook. This is even if I've just been out all day, not just because of a special "reason".

If I'm sick, he will offer to take the day off.

We laugh a lot and are physically affectionate. He is wonderful with our DS. He is patient and kind. Yesterday he suggested I went and bought a few new clothes and he would stay at home and play with DS.

We are a team, we have always said that we would get through anything together. We really support each other - we've been through some financial hardships in the past due to DH wanting to change jobs, but we were in it together, and have luckily come out the other side.

He's just a wonderful, kind, loving, fun, friendly, normal man who I adore. I feel adored by him.

I haven't had time to read the whole thread, but I will do. I have tears in my eyes, I'm just out of a 30 year marriage and I am slowly learning that it was far from a normal relationship. If only I had found Munsnet earlier...
I sometimes hope that I will meet someone one day, to be able to lean on him at times, trust him, be loved. I'm not overly optimistic about this actually happening, but hope keeps you going sometimes. Lots of hugs to you lovely ladies and thank you for sharing.

I have a pretty normal, happy relationship with my DH. We have been together for 7 years.

We take it turns to have a lie-in at the weekend.

We rarely argue, and petty rows blow over in less than an hour.

If I am ill/stressed, he makes dinner. He works f/t, I am sahm.

I am a surface cleaner (will keep the place looking tidyish), he is a deep cleaner who empties cupboards and hoovers under sofas

If I am hungover, he makes me a huge fry-up!

I never worry about what his reaction about something will be, I never worry that he will shout/raise his voice about anything and I never ever worry about "what he will do next". I had all that with an ex, and cant believe that you can have a relationship where there is total respect between you.

Colditz your an inspiration lol.
Im fat ( have to admit it somewhere lol)
And ive got an ill ds- long term.
I just thought that the good looking decent guys have gone- to the other mners lol.
My ds is looking out for a father figure. He gets attached to guys very quickly and there's only one place where he will eat out- all guy waiters and they pay me and him a lot of attention.
He maybe young but they are old enough to realise that daddy's not there.
X

We are pretty normal.

DH does the childcare on days where he is not on a mad 12 hour shift, and then even if he is, he will do it when he is around. For a couple of years (before his job moved) he did all of the taking to and picking up, as my hours were longer.

He does his share of the house.

He doesn't mind if I want to go for a few beers after work with my workmates (and laughs when I call to say it has turned into a few more than a couple and I will be back later)

If I am ill he does more than his fair share.

When I was off ill from work, I felt like I should have got more done during the day when he was at work, but he told me that of course I shouldn't have, and then cooked me dinner.

We very rarely argue, and don't sulk.

We both try to give the other 1 lie in over the weekend, and if I don't manage to take advantage of mine he doesn't mind if I go for an afternoon snooze.

We respect each other and what we bring to the relationship.

I wrote a great long post yesterday, and then the connection went down and I lost it. I wanted to say
a) I, for one, normally never post on relationships because I feel I don't have any expertise to offer people who are in really difficult situations, and I don't think it's helpful for me to give advice when I have never really experienced something similar; not because I don't care or because I read the threads as some sort of soap opera. The relationships threads on here have really made me realise how lucky, overall, I am with my relationship.
b) which is why I wanted to post a brief account of it, because I think I may have a slightly different perspective from some others who've posted "normal", because I've been married for 20 years in a relationship which shares some dynamics with relationships that clearly sound very unhappy, but which, in my mind, is fundamentally a good one. My DH earns nearly all the money, and I do nearly all the housework. This is by more or less unspoken agreement. I work very part time in a job where I could easily work more hours and bring in more money, but, although our children are now teenagers, I prefer spending more time at home, and DH is quite happy with this. I am by no means a great housewife, although I cook well, but the house is far, far from a show home. I do, however, do all the washing up, all the ironing, can't remember the last time he brought me tea in bed, clear up a constant trail of lids he leaves off things, do almost all the cooking, etc. He spends vastly more money on his hobbies than I do on mine, and all the child care logistics have always fallen to me - he would drive them around or look after them when asked when they were little, but it was up to me to ask.

This is far from the 50-50 balance that is often described here, but to my mind the key points are that's an arrangement that we've arrived at by mutual agreement, and it is still basically founded on respect. We argue, but arguments almost never last till the next day. Although he earns most of the money, I have full access to all of it and in fact manage the finances day to day. He would never hit or push me in anger. Even if we are arguing, he would never call me names or use insulting language to me. He supports anything I want to do in terms of hobbies or career. We still have a good sexual relationship, and we are still good friends. We trust each other. As a family, we still like doing stuff together - we spent 3 hours yesterday all playing together with a new phone app, for example. If I'm really ill, he'll step up and do household stuff. He doesn't set traps for me. I'm not afraid of him.

So, IMO, the balance of chores or spending or whatever is not in itself an issue necessarily, the key is whether both parties feel respected and each can trust the other to, basically, in the big things, be supportive and loyal. I'm so sorry that this seems to be out of reach for so many - hope this post is useful for someone.

I agree with Alice - I am a sahm and also pregnant. DH works long hours and therefore I do the majority of the housework and he makes the cash. But I have equal access to it - we do discuss 'big' spends before we do them, but that applies to both of us.

He spends more on his hobbies but that's fine - if there was something I wanted, he wouldn't have a problem with it.

I feel like am equal partner even though I am not earning.

What Jimmy said also rang true - I never worry about his reaction - I could tell him anything and he would never fly off the handle, would NEVER insult me and would never in a million years raise a hand to me.

isitme it really can be ok again, you really can find love again when you have DCs. I overheard DH accidentally just the other day, talking to a mate whose girlfriend has kids (DH is not my DCs dad) about taking the plunge and DH said "you just have to do it it she's the right one" :o

He had always been so good with my boys - a really natural parent and now they just love him and he loves them. He does all the dad things with them (football, the barbers...) and always refers to them as "our kids". It is totally possible and totally wonderful.

You're definitely right Alice, having differing roles needn't be a red flag on it's own, it's how those roles are perceived and dealt with which is the key.

That's so lovely, Crystal. Brings a lump to my throat.

It's nice to read about other relatively normal relationships (what is 'normal' anyway?!) Makes me happy that other people are happy

DH and I have what I would consider a really good relationship. We've been together 9 years on Thursday and married for 18 months. A 'typical day in the life of...' would look something like this:

7am the alarm goes off, DH snuggles up to me for a cuddle until the next alarm goes off 10 minutes later. I get up (as it takes me longer to get ready in a morning) and he snoozes for another 10 mintues before getting up and making us both lunch for the day.

We both start work at the same time and work across the road from each other, this means we catch the bus together and kiss each other goodbye outside his office.

We meet for lunch every day, unless one of us has a meeting or is particularly busy or caught up by something. We spend an hour wandering around holding hands telling each other about our mornings, gripes with work colleages and getting advice on anything for the afternoon - confirming what we have planned for later. Another kiss goodbye and we head back to our respective offices.

5pm rolls around and we meet at the bus stop to get the bus home together. Once home DH usually starts on dinner (he normally cooks) whilst I sit and chat to him (might help chop a vegetable or two!) we are very affectionate with each other and will be kissing and cuddling throughout this process!

After dinner I will usually clear up and stack the dishwasher and do any other tidying that needs doing. If we have no plans in the evening (DH plays football twice a week and I sometimes go horse riding) then we'll settle in for an evening in front of the TV. He will watch my 'lifestyle' programmes without too much of a problem, and I'll happily sit and watch football if there is a game on he wants to see.

Bedtime comes around 10pm, where we'll chat, cuddle and occassionally have some sex. All in all, we have a happy little life together!

We don't really argue, and don't get on each others nerves very often, despite spending almost all of our free time together. We would never EVER insult each other or call each other names. There is no swearing or bad language in our house.

I will do most of the tidying up around the flat (he can ignore socks in the middle of the floor for days!) and I do all of our 'organising', booking holidays, paying bills, all the banking etc etc and I will also take care of the ironing. We jointly clean the flat when it needs doing and he does the lion share of the cooking.

We are always considerate of each other, making cups of tea or offering to get something from the fridge, asking if the other wants anything. I'd do anything for him and I know he would do the same without taking advantage of that. We have a laugh together every day, our little jokes that no one else would find funny, constant kisses and lots of 'I love you'.

I know I am lucky to have him and I do try to value our relationship every day. We make exciting plans for the future and are very much looking forward to becoming parents when that happens, beacuse I know DH will make the best dad.

DH popped out this morning without saying (letting me have a long lie-in) to the shops for some lunch fodder. I text him to pick up a baguette and some naice ham for me. He has typically left his phone in the kitchen.....

He turns up with exactly what I had text him to get. Amazed, I showed him the text I had sent, he says "of course I know what you would like sweetie".

He does.

I was having a crap morning this morning. Feeling really stressed and irritable and DS was pushing all my buttons. I ended up shouting so much I woke DP up from upstairs who came down, bleary-eyed.

DS made some comment about why had DP woken up, what was he doing awake, etc. DP just said something like "I was hungry" even though I knew it had probably been me waking him up. Half expected him to come back into the room and complain, but instead he picked me up off the floor and gave me a huge hug and told me "Calm down, it's all right." and basically let me cry on him and blurt out a load of stuff about how I was feeling bad etc. until I felt better. He then somehow got DS to put his shoes on and distracted him from bugging me while I got ready to go out. So by the time I left with DS I was feeling calm and ready to go.

While I was out he dealt with the tesco order which was delivered and put everything away in the right places, including splitting the fresh meat between fridge and freezer, despite the fact he's not the one who tends to cook with it. And when I got home, he thanked me for the pizzas that I put in for him, as he tends to eat at different times to us, even though I completely forgot to put his Pepsi on the order.

think i will have to stop looking at this thread now its too much. i honestly didnt know it was possible to have such a nice relationship. all these lives which may seem mundane to you sound like slices of pure heaven to me. i wonder what it would feel like to be adored rather than being told i am fat and useless all the time. i dont think i am that fat size 12/14 and i try and do my best with kids and house. i just dont have strength to leave atm while kids so small and i havent been able to find a job. but even if i did i cant imagine in a million years that any man would ever be that nice i cant believe they exist and def not for me esp as i have 2 kids. i cant think about it hurts too much. but it is nice to know there is such joy in some peoples lives.

Yummytummy :(

Yummytummy. They do exist. Sorry that you are with a shit one now [ sad]

I hope that one day you will be in a better place

yummytummy - that is unbearably sad to read. You deserve so much better and yes, these people do exist. Whoever is making you feel like that has clearly knocked all the stuffing out of you and has made you think that there could be no better alternative

I can understand why it must be difficult to consider leaving - but don't let this man affect and crush the spirit of your children in the way he has yours.

Use threads like this to keep reminding yourself that you could be so much happier, adored and treated as an equal. Don't put up with the present situation for one second longer than you have to.

My relationship with dp seems pretty normal to me. We've been together for 6 years but it seems like a lifetime (in a good way)

Our typical day would be
6:30am dp gets up with dd2, gets her dressed and gives her breakfast, then wakes dd1 and me up about 7am and keeps dd2 occupied while I shower and get ready for work

8am we all go out to work, school or childminder

5pm I arrive home from work, having collected dd2 from cm (dd1 walks home and arrives a bit before me), we play and I cook some dinner for the kids.

6:30/7pm dp arrives home from work/gym. He plays enthusiastically with dd2, asks me and dd1 about our days, we ask how his day was. I take dd2 to bed while he does the washing up from the night before and cooks something for our dinner.

After the kids are in bed we spend most of the evening on separate computers in the same room. I'm usually working or on here, he's playing online games. Usually the tv is on too but we chat about things as they occur to us. He listens to me vent about stresses at work, I listen to him vent about his stupid bosses.

Dd1 was 6 when we met and I was amazed how quickly he just fit in with our lives. He loves her just the same as dd2 who is biologically his. After we'd been together for about a year he told me that he almost didn't persue the relationship as he didn't know how to deal with me having a child, but I never had even a hint of that as he was brilliant with her right from the start.

I can count on one hand the number of arguments we've ever had, and all of them have been about having babies. I've always wanted 3, he never wanted any. We've now got 2. Even when we've argued I've been in no doubt that he loves me and wants to be with me forever (but not enough to get married apparently )

yummy I promise you it doesn't sound mundane to me. After an abusive relationship, every single day, small gesture, nice text without a stupid request for sex, a genuine smile, having something picked up from the shop for me without asking, they are ALL slices of heaven, as you put it. I am thankful every day that I am here now and not stuck back in that hell hole. I appreciate DP every single day. In fact, I'm probably not appreciative enough. I should probably go and give him a blowjob or something, except that's another thing, in fact - sex is not a bargaining chip any more because I know that DP would be horrified if I was having sex with him and not really enjoying it, for me, not to please him or because I owed him or anything, just for me because he cares about how I feel and he would never want to make me feel bad or upset in any way.

Listen to Talc. It doesn't have to be painful to read about relationships like this. Think of it as a ray of hope! Men like this DO exist and women with children deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. Just as abusive arseholes come in all shapes, sizes, colours, classes, guises, so do the good ones. Don't rule yourself out, because something happy is waiting for you one day.

Don't forget that a lot of the benefits of a normal, healthy relationship can also be gained just by being single, which I also felt was like manna from heaven after living with a bully. (And there are some extra bonuses too :)) I think once you get used to these as well you will never compromise on a relationship ever again because they are just too precious to give up lightly.

You don't have to explain, negotiate or argue over any decisions you make about DC.
No other person's mess to clean up, and nobody to moan about you doing it wrong, or slowly, or not at all.
You get full control over the music you want to put on, and the TV programmes you want to watch.
You get to decide how to decorate your house, or move the furniture around, or what furniture to buy and don't have to listen to someone else's wrong opinions on it.
You get to decide how you dress, in a way which makes you feel great, not worrying about anyone else's opinion or what they might say about it.
No pressure for sex - ever.
No put-downs.
You're not constantly expecting help which isn't forthcoming.
If you want to go to the shop, visit a friend, learn to drive or join a club, you don't have to check with anyone first. You just arrange childcare if necessary, and go and do it.
You're in charge of the budget and nobody polices your spending, or spends it willy-nilly leaving none left for important things like food and bills. You get to decide what the spending priorities are. If you want to scrimp on something to save for something else, you can do it! If you want to put the heating on in June and screw the bills, you can.
(Loads more things I can't think of at the moment because it's late..)

Whether you're single or in a healthy relationship the result is the same, you can be yourself without fear of judgement or abuse. When you walk away from an abusive relationship you can say goodbye to so many of the problems in your life, for good, whether you meet someone new or not. And the other thing is that you will never meet a really nice man while you're with someone else, because a nice man wouldn't get involved with someone who is already in a relationship...

Fab post Bertie

Agreed, brilliant post, Bertie. Probably the best one on the thread for a guideline to a "normal", happy relationship.