DH deliberately cooks food DS2 doesn't like....

[Cornflakemum]

I'd like some perspective on this...

Every so often I feel that DH does stuff that I find sort of passive-aggressive... as if he's 'asserting his authority'..

Tonight is a case in point. His turn to cook dinner (he works from home, so we take turns).
Kids have packed lunches, so I like to make sure they have a 'proper' meal at teatime.

DH makes Fajita chicken wraps. No problem there, except that he puts finely chopped onion and peppers in them, neither of which DS2 likes.
Result : DS2 sits glumly and picks out every last piece of onion & pepper, and ends up leaving half his meal.

Just for the record, I don't like fussy kids as a rule, and my kids generally eat most things, it's just DS2 actively HATES onion and peppers. I won't pander to pickiness, but if I put onion in something I chop it big enough for DS2 to leave on the side, or I cook onions/peppers separately and add them after taking out a portion for DS2.

DH knows this, but does it anyway... his 'view' is that DS 'should' eat them.. WTF? Isn't this rather controlling and pathetic? DH doesn't like peaches, so I don't present them to him as an integral part of a meal.

There's other stuff too.. like the fact that DH always calls us to say it's 'on the table', but when you arrive in the kitchen, he hasn't started serving up, so it's all about CONTROL and having us there in advance

Don't know why, but tonight this has really made me think about his attitude and actions

Why is everyone discussing onions and peppers?!

This is not about that, it's about their relationship - sounds like a power struggle.

The fact that it's hard to understand why OP is so angry about these trivial complaints means either a) she's not been able to process yet what's really bothering her or b) she is quite controlling herself.

What I would say is my dh much stricter about making our two eat new things and things they don't like than I am. He would put vegetables they profess to hate in their food - but it would not even occurr to him to chop them up small to make it harder to take out. So I do think that sounds quite unpleasant or controlling.

But it's ONIONS and PEPPERS- which are an integral part of fajitas .
If the child hated sprouts, and the dad was chopping them finely into the salsa- yes, that would be unpleasant and controlling. Or if he was secretly adding peanuts when the child was allergic.
I'm not fond of onions either- but 90% of recipes that involve a sauce have onions in them.

yes, that would be unpleasant and controlling. Or if he was secretly adding peanuts when the child was allergic.

That's not unpleasant and controlling, that's attempted murder!

Yes onions and peppers are integral to fajitas but NOT chopped up fine Yuk! as The op said leave them chunky as they should be, easy to pick out (as my kids do) I do think its a bit PA of the DH so no op YANBU.

Oh yes and I agree with Peach Cobbler idea, only chop them up small Cos Its probably just the texture he doesn't like!

It wouldn't stop me serving up peaches either-as a member of a family you have to fit in-DH can eat it or not eat it. I am not a fussy eater and I don't wish to be restricted. Peaches and peppers are fairly easy to avoid. Onions come into lots of things-tough.

It isn't about food anyway-there must be bigger problems.

My father hated apricots-my mother still served them! He didn't have to eat them but no need to cut them out for the rest of us.

Well I have to say that if three of us want something & the 4th doesn´t-it still gets cooked.

They either pick out what they don´t want or make themselves pasta & sauce/beans on toast/scrambled egg...

I still agree with Exotic on this.

I am tthe cook here, and I will eat pretty much anyything. If I'm shopping for it, preparing it, cooking it and clearing up after it, I'm bloody choosing it.

My dh and our ds2 as picky fussy buggers - particularly when it comes to veg.

Tough shit.

Oh and by NOT caving to the demands, even my husband has learned to eat things he wouldn't have touched before.

We've been together 15 years...when I met him he wouldn't eat rice or pasta, never mind vegetables!!
These days his tastes are far more varied, and it's not because I pandered to him.

Same goes for ds2.

I lie about dinner being 'on the table'
I really like every one sitting waiting at the table as food is put down so we can all eat it hot (I hate cold food). Dh has a habit of going to the loo before eating, so I say foods ready and he disappears in the bathroom.....and then reheats his I the microwave which upsets me if I have cooked it 'properly'

Perhaps it is controlling, I have always seen it about being respectful to the chef! But I was brought up that you were seated before the food not the food waits for you

And actually, I do agree that you should be seated before the food. Nothing makes me angrier than people dicking around while a meal I have spent time and effort and money on sits and goes cold.

I think we're all agreed on that one.

What proudnscary said. It's not about the fajitas. It's about power and control - the OP appears to sense it as a general trend in her relationship and is trying to put her finger on it.

Cornflakemum: when things are not as they "should" be, does your DH either (a) display frustration, anger, blame or contempt towards others; or (b) work very hard to change other people's beliefs or behaviours?

Same question for you: when things are not as you think they "should" be, are you frustrated and angry by other's less-than-ideal behaviour, or do you think you can change them (or that they will change on their own because it is "the right thing to do")?

So - all of you saying that he's not being an arse or is justified in leaving dishes when they wont fit in (physically wont fit in, not just wont fit in this load) or can't go in the dishwasher - who is going to wash them up? Why does he get a 'pass' on it? Very few people enjoy doing the dishes, but most of us are grown up enough to know someone has to do them!!

Onions & peppers - he's saying his son should eat them. He's going out of his way (it is not normal to finely chop them for fajiitas) to make it difficult for his son to leave them to one side. Why?

Re picking the OP's DH's Dad up - it sounds as if he would expect the OP to sit in the back because she's a woman/wife - not because he's older or finds it hard to get in/out. I get the impression if that were the case the OP wouldn't mind/it wouldn't be an issue here.

I (once again) get the impression he's just a constant arse and it's quite difficult to say he does x, y & z because it's all small fucking annoying shit.

Cornflakemum - it sounds like it's time to 'do something about it'. What that is, is hard to know, when we don't know what you have tried to do in the past.

I agree Chipping.
If the OP has other examples of arseholery, I'll gladly consider them. I'm sure she has some to impart.

I'm sure that if someone posted on here saying "my DH thinks I'm an arse and is considering leaving me because I like everyone to be in the kitchen before serving up dinner and I persist with trying to get my fussy son to try vegetables he says he doesn't like - oh and sometimes I leave washing up out if the dishwasher's full to put in the next load, and when my elderly mum is visiting I like to let her sit in the passenger seat" a lot of people would say the DH was being controlling and potentially abusive.

Not saying OP you are those things but trying to give you the other perspective. I have to say from the posts nothing you say your DH has done sounds particularly unreasonable.

I wonder if there are fussy eaters in very poor countries where people hardly have food to eat.............................

People who hardly have any food to eat have next to no variety, and most of what they will get will be plain carbs, ie rice, maize etc.

And what do fussy eaters really like?

Plain carbs, and no variety. There probably are fussy eaters in very poor countries, it's just that nobody can tell.

Is this supposed to be a test to see if MN will respond with 'leave the bastard' for every thread? These problems seem so trivial tbh.

I dont really see a problem here.

Onions are a basic and hard to avoid ingredients in many many dishes. It sounds to me like the husband is cutting them up fine so that the texture will not be an issue, but the taste is still there. That seems to me that he IS aware of the problem and is trying to get the son not to be so fussy about onion.

As for shouting out that it is on the table... really cant see a problem with that, at all. If I am cooking a meal, I expect the people who are eating it to be sat at the table when I am serving it up and not sit there watching a meal go cold while waiting for people.

Really? onions

It is perfectly reasonable for your DH to make dinner and then expect the one who doesn't like some of the things to pick them out or eat them and for this to be different from what you do. What children like changes often, they should be discouraged from getting into a pattern of thinking that says "I dislike..." and have opportunities to try things so I normally try to reasonably avoid making things they don't like but when it is integral to the meal that maybe one of the others likes they have to suck it up. Learning to eat things you don't like is a good life skill. Often if you try them enough you come round. I normally expect my children at least try things. DH and I generally like all food. If I encounter something I don't like, I still eat it. I've come to like a lot of things this way.

There is a big difference between encouraging a faddy picky eater to try foods they may not like the look of initially and forcing a child to eat a food they actively dislike.

My friend hates onions, even finely chopped in food she can still taste them and to her they taste awful. She is not a fussy eater in general she just can't stand onions! She prefers them left out or cut large to remove them. I'm not a fussy eater either and love my veg and fruit but cucumber makes me feel sick. I'm amazed that people think it has a mild flavour/smell - to me it's an overwhelming stench. Even after being removed from a salad sanwich I can still taste it. My DS eats all kind of pasta, rice etc., but loathes cous cous - so I don't serve it. Everyone is different - chopping things up small only works if you don't have a strong aversion to the taste. It's not OP's DS's fault that he has an aversion to a commonly used ingredient - he can't help it! I'm glad cucumber isn't a staple :)

If OP's DH persists in adding a food ingredient that DS loathes even if chopped small then that is out of order.

Called early to table - depends - is it to get everyone there before serving or is everyone left to hang on for ages while DH faffs about?

Leaving the dishes would annoy me as the washing ups not done until everything is cleaned (and dirty dishes attract insects)

Sitting in the back of the car wouldn't bother me. DH probably wants to talk to his father as he doesn't see him all the time and it's not very safe or comfortable to be turning round and talking to him in the back of the car.

I do think there must be more going on.

Ecclesvet, that occurred to me too!