DH deliberately cooks food DS2 doesn't like....

[Cornflakemum]

I'd like some perspective on this...

Every so often I feel that DH does stuff that I find sort of passive-aggressive... as if he's 'asserting his authority'..

Tonight is a case in point. His turn to cook dinner (he works from home, so we take turns).
Kids have packed lunches, so I like to make sure they have a 'proper' meal at teatime.

DH makes Fajita chicken wraps. No problem there, except that he puts finely chopped onion and peppers in them, neither of which DS2 likes.
Result : DS2 sits glumly and picks out every last piece of onion & pepper, and ends up leaving half his meal.

Just for the record, I don't like fussy kids as a rule, and my kids generally eat most things, it's just DS2 actively HATES onion and peppers. I won't pander to pickiness, but if I put onion in something I chop it big enough for DS2 to leave on the side, or I cook onions/peppers separately and add them after taking out a portion for DS2.

DH knows this, but does it anyway... his 'view' is that DS 'should' eat them.. WTF? Isn't this rather controlling and pathetic? DH doesn't like peaches, so I don't present them to him as an integral part of a meal.

There's other stuff too.. like the fact that DH always calls us to say it's 'on the table', but when you arrive in the kitchen, he hasn't started serving up, so it's all about CONTROL and having us there in advance

Don't know why, but tonight this has really made me think about his attitude and actions

I finely chop because it isn't the taste but the texture DS doesn't like (OP's second post suggests her DS is the same) - the same way he desn't like butter - if he can see it!

I finely chop or blend it so he has the taste but doesn't need to deal with the texture - that will come in time.

As for putting the father in the front and you in the back of the car, I was always taught that the older person goes in the front, so I find this respectful. The easy way to avoid being put in the back is to drive yourself, so that your husband goes in the back.

Onions give me right stomach ache

The kid is 9 though. He eats what he's given, surely? If he chooses not to eat it then that's his look out.

My dd says she hates all vegetables so in bolognaise I make a lumpy one for the older ones and I blend it with the stick smooth for her. It's the same stuff though, exactly the same.

Are you saying an adult partner trying to put stuff into another adult's food? like I keep doing with mushrooms

He doesn't sound at all like an arse, totally normal actually. PLus I'd always get in the back if not driving and we had a guest - especially if older because the front is easier to get in and out.

Ain't you all the clever ones with your unfussy eat anything children

I wish! DS is very fussy (he doesn't like chocolate, or butter, or mayonnaise - except when he can't see it!)

I think the OP's DH was trying to get him to eat it by disguising it. His attempt failed. I don't think it's controlling behaviour

what pictish and exotic have said.

if your son didnt want to eat, he didnt ahve to eat it, there is always fruit and if they dont want that they can wait till the next meal time, or thats how it works in my house!

some meals will be ones that my children really like, others will be ones they dont so much and some they may turn their noses up at but they know that its fruit or nothing else. my ds4 has been a really pick eater but now at just 4yrs he is much better, we ignored the tantrums and kept on giving him a SMALL portion of everything to try or leave, no pressure, he has gradually tried more and more. i wont pander to fussyness, nor will i make an issue of it, it just gets ignored, we sit, we eat, we chat and have a nice meal together.

oh and we call everyone through to the table before plating up so they can say how much they want,help lay the table, serve themselves, salad etc.

Sorry but as someone with a very fussy eater (since she was 18 months), who worries me that she really doesn't eat enough at 13 ( I know she was only eating grapes at school for a while, we now do packed lunches), I think some of you have no idea.
Most meals do not have to have either peppers or onions in them. For really fussy eaters, you would do best only giving very, very finely chopped onion which has been well cooked; although even then you run the risk of it tasting " funny" and them not eating it. I have had times (during pregnancy and after a childhood illness for example) when things tasted really disgusting. After my recent stomach bug even chocolate tasted yucky.
Now some people want to force their kids to conform, more than they worry about them eating properly. Others struggle with really fussy eaters.

mummytime - I agree. It depends on what the 'fuss' is - in this case it seems to be texture rather than taste.

I would never let DS go without and only eat fruit as he would happily go without and just eat fruit! His fruit addiction has been a problem because he wasn't putting weight on. He only gets fruit as a treat now.

However, I don't think this thread is about a fussy eater - it is about an unhappy marriage - I just think OP needs to do a little more soul searching!

I don't have issues with conforming etc. I just don't run a restaurant! I shop, prepare and cook and then I have done my bit-the rest is up to them! As a family we all eat the same and it is unlikely that they all have the same tastes. As much as possible I put things in bowls and they serve themselves. Onions tend to be part of a recipe.
However there is more to this than a few onions!

There would have to be a pattern to this cooking malarky before you could say whether it was abusive. If he was cold towards his son or if he undermined him and then cooked him food he didn't like then yes, I'd agree he was a twat.

As to the car, you should sit in the back or drive and let him sit in the back.

what exotic said again!

and the best piece of advice given to me by a hv once that it is my job as a parent to provide them with a healthy, balanced diet, ie make it and serve it up but you cant make them eat it, that bit is up to them. but i will be dammed if i am cooking seperate meals etc for everyone!

and my ds4 has been a picky little swine at time, from weaning age he wouldnt eat pasta! which is a staple in this house, but we continued to put it on his plate and ignored the tantrums, he didnt have to eat to eat, but low and behold he HAS started to eat it, he is now just 4, so its taken a while, he would just leave it on his plate, no fuss or comment was made it was just there if he wanted it, he still doesnt eat much of it at all but he does try it which is great. i could have stopped offering it to him? which would have served what purpose exactly? none, he learnt as his siblings have learnt that we all eat dinner together, you can take it or leave it and yes on occasions my children have gone to bed without eating any dinner, it never did them any harm!

I came to my attitude after trial and error!
It becomes a power issue if you let it.We want our DCs to eat healthily and get over anxious. They can tell from our body language.
They eat so little that we then get pathetically grateful if they eat a piece of chocolate!
The only thing that worked was to take the emotion out of it. I serve the food and they can either eat it, eat some of it, or leave it. It is not up for discussion or bribery. If they choose to leave it they face the fact they may be hungry-I don't bother to point it out.
They won't starve.
OP and DP just appear to have a different way of dealing with it. I think there must be bigger issues behind it.

i think to me it just seems common sense, we were lucky in that ds1 was always a good eater, ds2 was more picky from the word go but dp and i decided we wanted no battles over it and my hv (mum of 4 herself) told me just serve the food, if they eat they eat, as a general rule a child wont starve itself! and so thats the path we continued wiht all 5 of ours and they have all gone through picky phases, ds4 the most but it was ignored, like exotic said take the emotion out of it, otherwise it will very quickly become a battle, children are SMART and know how to press your buttons if htye sense that food is an issue they will play on that!

and op when my mil comes to visit, she goes in the front and i go in the back, the exception to that was when i was very heavily pregnant and it was easier for her to squeeze in the back between the carseats than me!

i cant see what the big deal here is, but maybe there is more to it?

OK, I do actually think the OP has a point about putting things in a family dish when someone at the table really dislikes them. I'd continue making these things available rather than just going "Oh, you don't like that then" and leaving it off the menu altogether, but I'd not force a child to either pick out lots of tiny bits or miss out on the cooked dinner. I don't do it to adults, I wouldn't do it to a kid - not a matter of coddling them, just basic respect. If he's nine then it's hardly some kind of terrible-twos power trip. He really doesn't like a couple of things, don't fill his meal with them in such a way that he can tell they're there but can't even properly pick them out.

BUT, it's not exactly abusive on its own, is it? Sounds like the dad has just got a bee in his bonnet about kids not being picky eaters, or something.

As for the other stuff, I call "Dinner's ready!" before it's actually plated up, just because it's bloody annoying to have spent time and effort cooking something and then watch it go cold on plates while people faff around. But if I say "Dinner in five!" then they don't come down, they keep on with what they were doing and then act surprised when I tell them it's on plates.

And yeah, when we give my mum or H's dad a lift, they usually go in the front. Ditto with friends, quite often. I tend to offer the front seat as a matter of course, and particularly to my FiL as his mobility isn't great and the front is easier for him. Again, not moustache-twirling villainy.

Either there's more going on than has been stated in the thread (which is obviously possible), or this is a standard issue husband who has some habits that grate on his family. Show me one that hasn't!

I'm with your husband, 100%

5madthings, I thought you meant when your MIL comes in the front door you leave through the back door!

If I'd made something that's an assembly job like fajitas and various family members didn't like bits I had made i would cut everything chunkily like what fajitas are supposed to be and shove it all on the table. Enabling folks to assemble their own fajitas as they see fit.

It's not worth the hassle is it really. But yes, I would be planning peach crumble, peach Melba, peaches in jelly, peaches in cream etc. so dh can set an example as he obviously has high standards :)

How old is the father? I wouldn't be happy with being made to sit in the back because i get car sick.

As for using pans too big for the dish washer but then refusing to wash them up! That's just being a twat.

For my kids i make the foods they don't like and put them on their plate but cook them separately so they have the option of trying them or not if they chose to. Hopefully that way they will get used to the look of them, then perhaps try a bit, then try again and hopefully one day will like them. I don't mix it all in because i want to make sure there is always one thing on their plate that they like and will eat.

I find that putting food in front of them which they are unfamiliar with or have decided they dislike just makes them anxious and stressed about meal times which is something we were told to avoid by the hospital. (had one underweight child who had food issues due to an intolerance and reflux and one who can take or leave proper food). The advice has really worked as the intolerant one will now eat most things and is quite adventurous. The one who wasn't bothered about food has realised they like spicy food so eats things which are unusual for their age but won't bother with plain food. Still its progress. So i foot agree with all the posters saying that its tough and to make him eat it.

So i DON'T agree!

He's being a tosser about the peppers and onions, but does he ALWAYS do it or did he just want that for his own supper?

He has a point re "it's on the table"...NOTHING more annoying than putting in effort to make nice food and then people turning up ages later when it is cold

He's being a lazy arse about not washing up by hand. Washing up isn't optional.

It's fair enough to let his dad sit in the front, someone's got to.

I don't know why you think these things are "controlling".

I'd give him peaches for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

A child who eats everything else but hates onions and peppers isn't a fussy eater. He is perfectly entitled to not like the odd thing. You give him big bits, he can pick them out, everyone's happy. To deliberately make them too small to pick out is bloody mean.

I hated eggs and warm milk when I was a baby. I'm 40 now and still detest those two things. DD1 hates mince but eats anything else. Therefore I don't give her mince. It's not hard.

Maybe he did what I did and made them deliberately small so he couldn't tell what they were. I could get all sorts of veg in soup or bolognese sauce - even sprouts if in very small quantities - they never knew.

It would be very hard to not give mince, it is the basis of a lot of my cooking - bolognese sauce for lasagne and lots of pasta dishes, chilli con carne, cottage pie, home made burgers, meat balls to name just a few.