DH deliberately cooks food DS2 doesn't like....

[Cornflakemum]

I'd like some perspective on this...

Every so often I feel that DH does stuff that I find sort of passive-aggressive... as if he's 'asserting his authority'..

Tonight is a case in point. His turn to cook dinner (he works from home, so we take turns).
Kids have packed lunches, so I like to make sure they have a 'proper' meal at teatime.

DH makes Fajita chicken wraps. No problem there, except that he puts finely chopped onion and peppers in them, neither of which DS2 likes.
Result : DS2 sits glumly and picks out every last piece of onion & pepper, and ends up leaving half his meal.

Just for the record, I don't like fussy kids as a rule, and my kids generally eat most things, it's just DS2 actively HATES onion and peppers. I won't pander to pickiness, but if I put onion in something I chop it big enough for DS2 to leave on the side, or I cook onions/peppers separately and add them after taking out a portion for DS2.

DH knows this, but does it anyway... his 'view' is that DS 'should' eat them.. WTF? Isn't this rather controlling and pathetic? DH doesn't like peaches, so I don't present them to him as an integral part of a meal.

There's other stuff too.. like the fact that DH always calls us to say it's 'on the table', but when you arrive in the kitchen, he hasn't started serving up, so it's all about CONTROL and having us there in advance

Don't know why, but tonight this has really made me think about his attitude and actions

Sorry OP, this doesn't sound like a big deal to me (unless there is more you aren't saying). There are lots of theories on how to deal with a fussy eater and no 'right' answer.

It doesn't have to involve making anyone miserable. Here's supper. Everyone eats as much or as little as they like. Now here's some fruit, which you may accept or decline as you see fit. The end. The points being made are that your mother is not your personal chef, there is a wide range of food containing a wide range of ingredients, and whether and how much to eat is your own decision and of little concern to anyone else. It works here, anyway. I do cook things dh doesn't like sometimes, because the rest of us do, and it never occurred to either of us that he would find this offensive. He cooks things I don't like sometimes, and I either eat them with good grace or leave them with good grace. If we took cooking so personally, I'd reckon there was something else up.

I see your point about the peppers and onions. It's the finely chopping them, unless I'm strange I always leave them in big chunks cos that's how they are supposed to be. Also makes them easy to pick out. Sounds like he's being deliberately awkward

Shouting them to the table before hand is not a big deal in my op. My dad is quite controlling and he won't let you IN before he's served up and gets really narky if you do wander in (Or dare to ask what's cooking, or say could I have no peas please, in fact anything really) some people are just funny. I shout it's ready before as I know DP takes ages to wander in.

I think OP has the answer. or I cook onions/peppers separately and add them after taking out a portion for DS2. not exactly hard is it and everyone is happy?

Exactly what I do for my DS.

If the only things he won't eat are onions and peppers he isn't really a fussy eater though - he just doesn't like onion and pepper.I hated cauliflower when I was young,so Mum put boiled egg in cauliflower cheese for me,no big deal,and I love cauliflower now.
In this case it would be quite easy to separate the onion and pepper,which OP says she does.Actually I cook a prawn stir fry thing,and separate out DH's veggies from ours because he hates prawns.I wouldn't say he was a fussy eater either...

With your DH here.

Our DS2 also hates onion and peppers, but doesn't stop me putting them in fajitas/ our food. That's life.

It doesn't have to involve making anyone miserable. Here's supper. Everyone eats as much or as little as they like. Now here's some fruit, which you may accept or decline as you see fit. The end.

Yup.

YABU OP. If I didn't serve up stuff my DS didn't like he'd never have progressed from his 2yo fondness for chicken nuggets. And I also call people to the table shortly before I dish up... because if I call as I'm putting the plates on the table I know there will be a five minute delay and everything will go cold. I would suggest that your dislike of your husband goes rather deeper than this particular incident.

Yes - there probably ARE other issues, adn it's just this one which made my blood boil tonight!

It's the fact that he chopped them so finely so that DS actively COULDN'T leave them.. it's just unnecessarily mean
DS eats loads of other things which many children wouldn't - he just has a real aversion to the texture of onion and peppers, and he's 9, so it's not a case of growing out of it...

Other stuff DH does which seems controlling and prat-ish:

• won't ever wash anything by hand... if it won't fit in the dishwasher, then it gets left on the side until tomorrow (or more likely until I was it up, as it will probably be things needed for the kids packed lunches tomorrow)

He did this last night (I cooked, and he was supposedly washing/tidying up...) and his reply was that he 'doesn't do washing up - that's what the dishwasher is for... Anything that can't be dishwashed he just leaves on the side.. it's like he has an aversion to the sink! So if I am out, I will come home late to a sink of greasy trays or too big pans etc

Other stuff - erm, if we are picking his father up, expects me to sit in the back of the car, and let his Dad sit in the front?

God - he sounds like a right arse, doesn't he? Why am I still with him?

My DDs don't like onions and salad...I still cook with them.

I call everyone in early too, as you can guarantee that as soon as I say dinner in ready DH will think of something urgent he needs to do first and vanish. This way it doesn't have a chance to get cold.
Re: cooking what ds doesn't like, does your DH do this every single time? Does he generally have a solid relationship with ds? Would he respond to you explaining (again!) your reasoning, ie it's more important that ds eats something than that it's onions and peppers that he eats?

I agree Corgito

My ds2 who is now 4 used to cry and fuss if peppers even touched his plate! I insisted they go on the plate anyway, even if he didn't eat them (in a bid to make the hated food a normal part of the meal without forcing him to eat it) - nowadays they get shovelled in along with the rest.

If I'd taken pains to protect him from the presense of peppers in his food or on his plate, he'd still be creating over them now.

I hate peppers with a passion and even if you pick them out you can still taste them (yuk), I'm not a massive onion fan either, hate them raw but will eat them if they are cooked in a spag bol for example.
It's tricky because I can kind of see your DH's point, he isn't running a restaurant but he could be more reasonable and make them seperate to the chicken.
The shouting everyone to the table doesn't seem offensive, he probably just thinks it's better to have everyone seated before it's put on the table so it doesn't go cold.

When you're on a website getting about the chop-size of vegetables and the way someone handles dirty dishes then I think you need to take a long, hard look at your relationship in its entirety. It's people like you and your DH that make me very glad I'm single...

He doesn't sound that bad although the onion/pepper thing is a bit

The child isn't a fussy eater in my book. WTF would you chop them finely for fajitas anyway???!

However your complaints do sound minor. It's almost as if he really annoy you, you don't know why, so pick up on minor things.

If something won't fit in the dishwasher it stays on the side for the next load.

If one of our parents was travelling with us they would get the front passenger seat because they're elderly and it's more comfortable.

I am a fully paid up card carrying member of the mn "leave the bastard" club but I'm struggling here. I mean if you don't want to be with him, fine, don't. But I'm struggling to see the heinousness of his behaviour.

"if we are picking his father up, expects me to sit in the back of the car, and let his Dad sit in the front?"

I personally wouldn´t have a problem with that as my FIL is taller than me & I can sit more comfortably in the back than him.

Oh and to those "my kid isn't fussy because I fed him x/y/x regardless", my DS doesn't like green veg or onions. Turns out they give him bad trapped wind. He's only 2, but has a good idea of what agrees with him.

This still all seems very small to me. Dh tends to leave bits of washing up. I find it mildly annoying and either do them myself, express my mild annoyance so he does them or leave them on the grounds that I'm not his cleaner. I tend to leave empty wrappers in the cupboards. DH either throws them away, expresses his mild annoyance so I do them or leaves them on the grounds that he's not my cleaner. Neither of us minds all that much. Either of us would offer the front seat to a visitor/guest/older person. Really, in the context of a basically strong and mutually respectful relationship, this kind of stuff doesn't matter at all. Sounds more like a manifestation of your dislike than a cause.

I can't stand people who say that kids shouldn't be allowed to be picky eaters when you just KNOW they themselves wouldn't eat something they didn't like just because someone thought they should. Hypocritical and mean really if it's adults making kids eat food they don't like.

DH and I would always offer each others parent the use of the front passenger seat - it's just a courtesy to older people.

I also agree about the dishwasher, I'm afraid. I don't have a dog so that I can bark myself.

I think you are looking for faults.

ornellaia my son is the same, he dislikes mince with a passion :)

Not sure about this OP, the onion and peppers probably helped the overall flavour and it's only your ds2 who doesn't like it, on the other hand it wouldn't have been difficult to keep some chicken separate. Does your DH regularly do things like this? Did he force DS to eat it all? And how would he have reacted if DS had something else instead?

I agree with pictish. I call them before I serve to make sure they are there. I have done my bit by cooking it - if they want to remove bits that is their problem.

You said that your ds has a problem with the texture of onions so that would be a good reason why they were chopped so small.

It would be hypocritical to not let them be a picky eater if you are yourself. I am not - I eat anything. Onions come in a lot of recipes.