Sexting mid-life man

[Neezy]

I have just joined this site and am fascinated to see how similar other women's experiences are to my own. My partner of 25 years started an affair a year and a half ago with a colleague of his. Started out with him 'comforting' her and helping her through her painful divorce. An irony that's not lost on me. To cut a long story short, the sequence of events is: I challenge him about being different towards me - I 'find' explicit texts about what they'd like to do to each other - he tells me that a wiser woman than I would have turned a blind eye and put it down to mid-life madness - the texts continue - I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief - he starts seeing a Relate counsellor - he moves back in, says it's all over with her - we start going to counselling together, but I can't hack it - all going well between us, but he's still texting her regularly telling her how amazing she is etc etc. So, that's where I am at. Living with a very happy man whom I love very much. Sex life crap but otherwise we get on well. I don't think he has any plans to stop the texts any time soon and just tells me that it's got nothing to do with 'us'. I think if I read this about another woman I would feel so sorry for her, but suspect that she might be a bit of a doormat. But I really don't think of myself like that at all. I think I'm ballsy and tough. Am I deluding myself?

Yes, sorry, he is taking the absolute piss.

Jaysus what a knob he is

men like this live their lives off of the fact that too many women are taught that "love" is the most important thing in life.

no offence meant to you OP, i have been guilty of the same thing myself, but the fact is no human being should be subjected to such indignity.

Basically he is TELLING you he's in a one sided open marriage. Whether you like it or not.

I don't know if you're delusional and I don't think you're a doormat. I do worry that, for whatever reason, (fear?) you've decided to settle for a second-rate relationship rather than no relationship at all. He's doing the equivalent of calling sex chat lines but with a real person who he has a sexual relationship with. He lied about it being over, has not changed his behaviour and is probably still enjoying sex with the same woman - hence the crap sex-life. You may be able to turn that blind eye for a while as a way of maintaining some kind of stability... your reaction to a break-up was severe enough to drive him back ... but my fear for both of you is that things will eventually come to a head and it won't be pretty when it does.

He is taking the piss out of you and has no respect for your feelings, this won't end well and he won't end it whilst you put up with it

Gosh! I'm quite overwhelmed by the vociferousness of what I read. When we went through a couple of months of counselling, the therapist kept saying that TOW wasn't the 'cause, but the symptom', a kind of therapist's tic which did my head in. I don't see it like that. To me, this woman is symptom and cause rolled into one and I could hardly believe that he was attracted to a woman who a week into their 'relationship' was inviting him to put his tongue where the sun certainly don't shine. Albeit it, in French! It made me feel so ridiculously naive and out of touch. I might expect my teenage son to get texts like that, (not that i ever read his phone) but I didn't realise that my 49 year old partner would like a woman to express such ideas. I don't think I'm a prude, but this has been a real eye opener for me. Anyway, he's come home this evening looking as if he's lost a hundred quid and found a fiver. Says he has spoken to her and told that it's the end. Over and finished and all that. Seems hard to believe when only last night he was calling her his 'own special sexy M..' etc et bloody cetera.

After 25 years, I guess it is hard to believe that a relationship with its, ahem, compromises is not better than old age on my own. But perhaps I am just incorrigibly weak.

Why do you stay? Why does he stay? Do you know?

Sorry OP but he is 100% taking the piss out of you, I agree with some others he is absolutely showing you no respect what- so- ever. I'm sorry but I'm going as far to say the guy sounds like a total bastard.
Don't be fooled by his age, even 49 yr olds can turn into teenagers when presented with a home wrecking, disgusting, ignorant slut to share fantasies with, she is/has boosted his ego, set fire to his loins etc... Mid life crisis my arse!!! Also the fact he sent that message last night then today has ended it with her, just doesn't ring true, Don't you think so?
You seriously need to start thinking about YOU, get this poor excuse for a man out of your life and stop allowing him to treat you this way, you deserve better...much better.
Good luck xxxx

'Why do you stay? Why does he stay? Do you know?'
There are a million reasons why people stay together, aren't there? And we're no exception. So, I can't answer for him but I stay because: it's my home, because we have a teenage son, because sometimes things are great, because I love him, because I feel like half a person without him, because I think that people make mistakes and sometimes keep on making them, because I see how f...ing miserable my single friends are. More miserable even than me a lot of the time! Yes, and I probably am frightened of being on my own. I have seen the reality of dating websites - thousands of gorgeous women and hundreds of tragic looking men, who all want a thirty year old partner anyway and wouldn't even look at me. I don't feel proud of myself, but it's too easy to condemn without taking the bigger picture into account.

I think I might be inclined to say, "Oh dear, that's a shame, well sorry old son, but you've got a full set, cos I don't want you any more either - I've had enough of you taking the p*. Make your arrangements, and leave."

Why is the alternative to bring with your piss taking husband being with some tragic on a dating website? Aren't you capable of bring by yourself?

He is treating you like utter shit and you are letting him.

What if you had a daughter ?
Personally I could not ,would not role model this way of life for her. Neediness and fear.

What message about respect for women are you giving your son ?!

As I said before, it's so easy to sit in judgement. It goes with the territory, I guess. As for my son and respect for women, I have never met a more respectful, woman-loving, young man. He thinks women are great (and has a healthy r/ship with his dad, too) and has so many female friends that everyone thinks he's gay. I know I sound defensive here, but that's probably because when it comes to him, I am!

If you don't want opinions, why are you posting?

So why did you post? Your marriage is open from his side, he's going to carry on, he was rubbing your nose in it? But you don't want to hear what others would do? What is it you want? Someone to justify his behaviour? So you don't feel so downtrodden?

Your son is not the issue ATM. Your lying, cheating, EA, nasty ass husband is.

What are you going to do about him?

I wasn't condemning at all, just asking, sorry of it came across like that.

I don't think I said that I didn't want to share thoughts. I suppose I wondered if anyone else had been in a similar position and if so, how it played out. I've been through the 'You're a bas...d and she's a wh...' phase and don't feel furious any more, just a bit exhausted and reflective, I suppose. I certainly don't need other people's anger, vicarious or otherwise.

I understand your reasons for staying. However, if you have asked him to stop the texting and he hasn't, then if you won't leave him, your only alternative is to stay an have an open relationship. Is that what you want? What happens when you have had counselling or a serious chat, what does he say, what are his reasons for behaving this way?

OP: " am I deluded"
Chorus of responses "yes"
OP "oh it's do easy to judge"

Well, I am not talking in anger, nor in judgement

but I am sorry to say I do feel sorry for you, and I do think you are a doormat

you seem completely clued up about this pillock, but stay anyway

who would not feel sorry for you, nor wonder why you would tolerate such utter disrespect

OP, you're going to get lots of responses saying to leave him. However, if that's your last resort, still keep posting as it helps to work things out in your head sometimes. You don't have to agree with all the posts and suggestions, only you know your relationship, husband and yourself, so of course ultimately you will decide for yourself.