Sexting mid-life man

[Neezy]

I have just joined this site and am fascinated to see how similar other women's experiences are to my own. My partner of 25 years started an affair a year and a half ago with a colleague of his. Started out with him 'comforting' her and helping her through her painful divorce. An irony that's not lost on me. To cut a long story short, the sequence of events is: I challenge him about being different towards me - I 'find' explicit texts about what they'd like to do to each other - he tells me that a wiser woman than I would have turned a blind eye and put it down to mid-life madness - the texts continue - I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief - he starts seeing a Relate counsellor - he moves back in, says it's all over with her - we start going to counselling together, but I can't hack it - all going well between us, but he's still texting her regularly telling her how amazing she is etc etc. So, that's where I am at. Living with a very happy man whom I love very much. Sex life crap but otherwise we get on well. I don't think he has any plans to stop the texts any time soon and just tells me that it's got nothing to do with 'us'. I think if I read this about another woman I would feel so sorry for her, but suspect that she might be a bit of a doormat. But I really don't think of myself like that at all. I think I'm ballsy and tough. Am I deluding myself?

Thanks for all the advice and good wishes. It's odd to read others' impressions of me based on my responses and what I've revealed about my situation. I think I have presented a picture of my relationship which - inevitably - gives only a little of the story. The reality is that this is a man who suffers from depression, who has low self-esteem and who is generally a very good partner. He does all of the shopping, cooking, kitchen chores and DIY etc, for example and apart from going off the rails big time over the last year and a half, he has been loyal and loving throughout our time together. So when I pondered here on the likelihood of other women being similarly placed, I meant women who believed their men to be fundamentally decent but who were suffering as a result of recent events and finding themselves at a loss to know how to proceed. When he - stupidly - tried to convince me that this continuing texting had nothing to do with me, it wasn't said in anger or rejection, but rather with the belief that what I don't know won't hurt me. As I said, I find that suggestion patronising and risible, but at the same time I know that I have much fuller and satisfying relationships with my friends (male and female) than does he, and enjoy a kind of intimacy with my friends which can be difficult for heterosexual men to attain. Doubtless, there are many of you who will again think that I sound lily-livered and simply too damned understanding and will again wonder what on earth I started this thread for. Well, I honestly started it because I wanted to chew the fat about this issue and to some extent, that has happened. So, thank you once again.

if your happy with ypur relationship then great. If you dont mind him texting other women thats ok.

Have you considered the affect this is having on the women he is texting?

Do you think him having depression gives him the excues to have sex with other people?

I dont think friends matter when discuessing your marrage and family.

Can you live the next 30 years with this one sided open relationship?

Have you considered having an open relationship with ur husband? Would he be ok with you texting other men and going out with them? Is that something you would be interested in?

If he just kept it to texting would you see it as just another form of porn for him to wank off to or would it drive you nuts thinking its only one small step from him leave you for the OW?

Would you want to know what he was saying or doing?

Hi Neezy I want to offer some support. I completely understand why you would not want to chuck in a decent relationship at the first sign of trouble. I also understand why people might be slow to leave even an awful relationship because of worries about the children, loneliness of being single etc. The general consensus on MN is that it is better to be single than to be in a relationship where you are undermined and belittled. That is a counsel of perfection BUT a little unrealistic sometimes....sometimes we DO have to put up with non ideal situations because the alternative is worse for others as well as ourselves. Sometimes we do not have the strength to leave. Divorce is tough on children, tough on social cohesion, expensive for society, and marriage can be something that needs to be worked at now and again and not given up on at the first sign of trouble. Having said that, you MUST insist that sexting IS your business and that your DH has to stop or else you WILL divorce him. Even if you don't mean it, and give him a few second changes. Good luck.

omg so stay married and put up with being treated like a second class citizen for the sake of social cohesion and society

it's like womens liberation never happened. It's better for society if men (or women) don't fuck about and ruin longstanding marriages with children involved, possibly, but it's already too late here.

OP I think you're suffering from cognitive dissonance and are in denial about what your h is really like. Quite honestly you'd be better off employing a handyman. You could be free to find someone who loves you if that's what you want. Trying to mop up his depression as well just makes you seem more of a doormat. I'm sorry that'll sound hurtful but it's true. Put yourself and your own needs and feelings at least equal to his, that's fair. You're putting his needs way way way first here and stand no chance of anything approaching a healthy relationship while that's happening

I think it's his midlife crisis - he is normally undemonstrative but 'supporting' poor colleague during her divorce gave him a chance to form a close relationship for once . And it was a relationship with another needy type, needy due to her divorce, I mean she must have been feeling unhinged and marginally deranged through her divorce and found your DH's shoulder to cry on. The fact that he didn't stay with her suggests that they both know it isn't a lifelong love, but they are just both enjoying the sexting.
You don't mention homelife OP but I wonder how it goes. If you are constantly putting on a front it must surely be strained. I think I would tell DC that you are having issues so that you can behave naturally when he is about and don't have to keep putting on a brave face. I would also look into finances and stash some away see how things might pan out if you do split and if there is something you should be doing now ?changing jobs.
Perhaps I would have a makeover or go off on hols with a female friend or do something out of character to make him take more notice of you and stop his complacency. But I don't think I could live with this long term.