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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexting mid-life man

106 replies

Neezy · 28/05/2012 18:44

I have just joined this site and am fascinated to see how similar other women's experiences are to my own. My partner of 25 years started an affair a year and a half ago with a colleague of his. Started out with him 'comforting' her and helping her through her painful divorce. An irony that's not lost on me. To cut a long story short, the sequence of events is: I challenge him about being different towards me - I 'find' explicit texts about what they'd like to do to each other - he tells me that a wiser woman than I would have turned a blind eye and put it down to mid-life madness - the texts continue - I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief - he starts seeing a Relate counsellor - he moves back in, says it's all over with her - we start going to counselling together, but I can't hack it - all going well between us, but he's still texting her regularly telling her how amazing she is etc etc. So, that's where I am at. Living with a very happy man whom I love very much. Sex life crap but otherwise we get on well. I don't think he has any plans to stop the texts any time soon and just tells me that it's got nothing to do with 'us'. I think if I read this about another woman I would feel so sorry for her, but suspect that she might be a bit of a doormat. But I really don't think of myself like that at all. I think I'm ballsy and tough. Am I deluding myself?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 22:37

AF - I know that there are women here - and doubtless plenty of men, too - whose marriages are equally problematic. Of course, I don't expect or want to find anyone in exactly the same predicament as me, but I can't believe that everyone thinks it's quite so simple to walk out on someone or ask them to leave. It's really, really hard. Maybe I'll get there; maybe I won't. In the meantime, it's good to talk, hey?

OP posts:
Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 22:39

Fairenuff - you quoted my narrative of what was happening to me a year ago. I no longer feel like that. That was then and I have moved on - thanks in part to the counselling.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:40

yes, we are talking, is that not what is happening here ?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:41

you have 79 posts on your thread and counting...

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 22:48

AF, yes thank you, but I would like to reassure you I can actually read. So the first separation didn't help. Maybe it was too soon and both parties were in shock at their lives vein turned up side down. Not everyone has to follow the same route as you in order to come to a satisfactory conclusion, every relationship is different and I see no reason why another trial separation after the counselling and time that had passed, wouldn't be beneficial. Not everyone feels so ready to put such a long marriage behind them so readily. Building a marriage takes time and leaving it also takes time.

Fairenuff · 28/05/2012 22:49

I'm aware that this has been going on for 18 months and that he got you to a point where you felt suicidal, your post didn't say how long ago that was.

You do say that now you are living with a man who cheats on you, has no intention of stopping and that you (not surpisingly) have a crap sex life with him.

It's still horrible isn't it.

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 22:53

Yes, Fairenuff, of course it's horrible, particularly to see it all in black and white.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:53

in OP's current mindset (accepting of infidelity) another "separation" would be a complete waste of time

Leverette · 28/05/2012 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:57

unless her H faces losing everything he will not change

why would he, he has a bloody fantastic set-up here

he has cosy home fires burning, and exciting shag buddy (buddies?) on the side

Op is told it's "none of her business" while he gets his kicks elsewhere and she is left with no kicks at all (unless you count those that are systematically and comprehensively destroying her self esteem)

Fairenuff · 28/05/2012 22:58

So if it's horrible, something has to change right?

And you know you can't change anyone else, so . . .

You don't have to rush in to anything, but you could maybe just start to open your mind to the possibilities. Of course it's scary, but you don't have to face it all at once. Just start to see things for how they really are, without making excuse for his behaviour and start to realise that you don't have to live like this for the rest of your life. There is another way x

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 23:02

In your opinion AF, however, I think a separation of 3-6 months might actually help both parties gain some perspective about what they want from their lives. Leaving him is very final after 25 years together and only 1.5 bad ones.

Building self esteem and deciding what is for the best for you take time sometimes, it's not done on one thread with the advice of strangers sometimes.

tallwivglasses · 28/05/2012 23:08

OP, I've read lots of threads on here by women who too have felt "unhinged and marginally deranged...destroyed and suicidal with grief" and they too have wanted to stay and give it their best shot. Their men were often dismayed and ashamed by their past behaviour, agreed to break contact with OW completely, be open about email/phone passwords, etc and accept responsibility.

Your H isn't doing that. He's doing the opposite. He thinks you should have been "a wiser woman" Hmm, if the roles were reversed could he have been the wise man?

My point is, those other women, however much they wanted to make their marriages work, and however devoted their husbands were to fixing things...often those poor women's hearts just weren't in it any more. This was no longer the man they thought he was, he was in fact someone capable of making them feel destroyed and suicidal.

Maybe you can go all zen-like (or something) and accept being in second best position by someone who has nil respect for you. Good luck OP. I couldn't. I just couldn't.

Fairenuff · 28/05/2012 23:09

ES I agree that a separation of 3 to 6 years months would give the OP time to really consider her options and what she wants for herself. It would be a good starting point, a first step towards independence and could help to rebuild her self esteem.

Still sceptical about what it would do for their relationship, though. If he can treat her like this he clearly doensn't love her, respect her or even particularly like her.

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 23:12

It's a starting point. Everything has to start somewhere.

tallwivglasses · 28/05/2012 23:13

I also think this may not be the first OW. Did you say you had miserable single friends? There's plenty here far from miserable Grin

sarahseashell · 28/05/2012 23:17

One and a half years is a bloody long time though eclectic. Not to dismiss your suggestion but I do feel the OP has just been worn down here, thinking this is no worse than other peoples marriages (it is) thinking its not so bad (it is) thinking being single is awful (it isn't)

OP when you find the strength to step away from this situation you may find a lot of the seeds of these ideas have been planted by your h. Yes it's hard to end a 25 year marriage undoubtedly. Spending the next 25 years with him would be worse though sadly. That's assuming he'd hang around that long. It's never easy but plenty of us have been there and come out the other side. What's the alternative? He has already broken what you had and nullified the marriage contract. You didn't do that.

A marriage is an equal partnership. This situation is so unequal and unfair on you that it beggars belief.

MadAboutHotChoc · 29/05/2012 08:27

I haven't read the whole thread, but if I were you I would start exploring my options financially and legally e.g visit CAB and solicitor.

I would also start investing in myself and building my life - friends, hobbies, career, training etc.

That way I would become stronger with a better self esteem and more able to make long term decisions.

If you leave things as these are, you will be miserable for the next 25 years - also what if your H falls in love with one of his fuck buddies and decides to dump you? All those years of putting up with his cruel behaviour would have been put to better use.

Houseofplain · 29/05/2012 10:44

That's the danger of playing the downtrodden wifey isn't it choc? Sit at home, let him work it out of his system, let him come back to you, keep the family together.

Problem is these types don't see their spouses as equal people. They see them as doormats not worthy of respect, that's how they can act as they do without a pang of guilt.

Then one day along comes the "soulmate" the one who really turns their head and gives then the spur to make them finally leave the spouse they don't love. Many only stay for finance, reputation etc. Then bang, one day along comes "the one".

The wife who has stayed at home, wallowing, doing nothing for herself, relying on him to complete her. Is left all alone. That's the way this is going, if real.

MissFaversham · 29/05/2012 11:34

For god sake woman start going about your own life if you can't bare to leave the arsehole just yet.

Stand up for yourself.

Tell him YOU would like an open relationship.

STOP living in his poxy shadow.

How old are you OP? I'm 50 this year and I'm still young, fit and gorgeoushealthy. Get yourself together.

dondon33 · 29/05/2012 14:52

Tell him YOU would like an open relationship.
Or find yourself a sext buddy of your own, be it a real one or a clued up friend and let him read while some guy explicitly describes what he'd like to do to you, see how he likes a taste of his own medicine. Although, probably not such a good idea as I feel from how you have described the situation, he doesn't give 2 fucks anyway.
I honestly don't know how you could fix your situation, I know I wouldn't want to at this point. He doesn't deserve your love or your respect OP, surely you can see that.
Good luck with whatever happens xx

Fairenuff · 30/05/2012 16:31

Just out of interest, OP, how would your partner react if you had a lover too? Would he actually mind do you think?

Patienceobtainsallthings · 30/05/2012 17:56

Re being single ,there is nothing to fear but fear itself .Its different after a long relationship ,thats for sure !But in my experience something inside you dies when you accept a disrespectful relationship .You have the choice to make the change .Bloody scary yep !But u only get one life and you can choose to flourish or just exist .Your future is in your hands .Nobody else can make the choice .All i know is i thought my ex was great ,i was madly in love ,once we split i realised he was a complete arsehole and i dont have to accept being treated like shit .Bloody tough this independence malarkey but miles better than living with a tosser !

kettlecrisps · 31/05/2012 00:38

Have not read entire thread but one the OP says she was sure there must be hundreds of women out there who'd experienced this and was looking to see how it played out.

Well I think this is the wrong place really. I think to look for women putting up with that you'd be looking at chatting to people with long term depression/anxiety/mental health issues caused by putting up with such cruel behaviour.

I'm not being flippant here - seriously this is where women accepting such behaviour will be hanging out. Consider seriously what impact this will have on your mental health.

You seem to have no sense of your own value - guess he's been a dick for years to have ground you down to being in a spin over something so clearly unacceptable.

AnAirOfHope · 31/05/2012 01:07

Op you love aman that does not love you. He is just not that into you. He likes his house and his job and his money but not you. He does like fucking other women but not you and his life is none of your business - he said so.

I do feel sorry for you that you thinkk so little of yourself and you have lost the joy of living and that YOU have condemed yourself to living this way untill this man leaves you for another women.

You cant controll what he does you can controll.your action and reaction to it.

If your not happy then you need to change your life.