Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexting mid-life man

106 replies

Neezy · 28/05/2012 18:44

I have just joined this site and am fascinated to see how similar other women's experiences are to my own. My partner of 25 years started an affair a year and a half ago with a colleague of his. Started out with him 'comforting' her and helping her through her painful divorce. An irony that's not lost on me. To cut a long story short, the sequence of events is: I challenge him about being different towards me - I 'find' explicit texts about what they'd like to do to each other - he tells me that a wiser woman than I would have turned a blind eye and put it down to mid-life madness - the texts continue - I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief - he starts seeing a Relate counsellor - he moves back in, says it's all over with her - we start going to counselling together, but I can't hack it - all going well between us, but he's still texting her regularly telling her how amazing she is etc etc. So, that's where I am at. Living with a very happy man whom I love very much. Sex life crap but otherwise we get on well. I don't think he has any plans to stop the texts any time soon and just tells me that it's got nothing to do with 'us'. I think if I read this about another woman I would feel so sorry for her, but suspect that she might be a bit of a doormat. But I really don't think of myself like that at all. I think I'm ballsy and tough. Am I deluding myself?

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 28/05/2012 20:50

Do you want him to stop texting this woman? If so, then I'm afraid he won't while you are living together and putting up with it. You'd be better off asking him to move out while you think things over because you're not sure your relationship has a future anymore. You may even then actually come to that conclusion. Or it might all end happily for you both, who knows? Hmm

However, if you are convinced tha your current strategy is the right one, then I'd just like to ask: how's that working out for you?

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 20:50

I don't feel sorry for OP. she's in a crap situation but she's looking to work out a solution that will work for her. So why does she need our pity, she's clued up and looking at alternatives/ solutions. Leaving someone is generally the last resort when you've exhausted all others. Maybe OP wants to try some more ideas before calling it a day.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 20:57

he won't stop the sexting (and shagging)

what other ideas are there ?

she puts up/zips her gob or she fucks him off

he is giving her no other solutions

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:02

We don't know that yet, posts are not that detailed. It's worth exploring.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 21:04

worth exploring what ?

Op already gave him an ultimatum, he moved out, shagged OW, moved back in, continues to stay in contact with the OW and tells OP it's none of her business

what is there to explore ?

Houseofplain · 28/05/2012 21:04

Have you read the same WHOLE thread as everyone else?

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:06

EclecticShock - you sound the sort of person I imagined on this site ie sensible and sensitive without trying to tell someone what to do, which as we all know is pointless anyway. Thanks for your words. What women - even total strangers - can do, it seems to me, is share experiences and support one another through that sharing. Yes, I know that I sound like a sap, (cue resounding chorus of 'yes, you are!') but how many of us have 100% healthy relationships all the time, even with ourselves? Isn't it the case that we weigh up the pros and cons and do the best we can in life?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 21:07

are you a journalist, OP ?

you sound a bit like one

nevertidy · 28/05/2012 21:10

I get that it's not as easy to live through a separation as to advocate it, but if you are committed to staying I really do think you need to at least address the liberties he has taken, seemingly without regret or the slightest understanding of what this has done to you.

There has been lots of constructive advice on this site to women in your situation, some of the best of which addressed the issue of how to stay and be equal - and if you can do this successfully. Think about the issues of 'keeping' him - out OW-ing the OW and how destructive that dynamic is. Have a plan to at least make him confront his behaviour, please do not just accept it. You need to be equal and he owes you understanding and regret. Do not live with this status quo - you are being walked over. If you accept this as is to stay together, I fear you won't. Find your 'balls' even if you do stay, it has to be the only chance you have for a healthy relationship. Good luck

Houseofplain · 28/05/2012 21:10

I don't understand you op. You have as predicted sided with the one person who gives you justification, for your reluctant, one sided open marriage.

When they clearly haven't read the whole thread as the last comment is unexplainable. You asked if you are deluding yourself. You said you'd think a woman in this position would be a doormat. I think my last post wrt to your reasons for posting was pretty bang on actually.

However the ever so subtle insult in your last post designed to get people's backs up along with the op has made me think this isn't true anyway.

susiedaisy · 28/05/2012 21:11

well to put it another way is the op deluding herself that her dp respects her- yes! imo
is she deluding herself that he wont start up that or another relationship again in the future - yes imo
is she deluding herself that this wont have some impact on her son- yes imo
is she deluding herself that the life she has at present is loving, fullfilling in all ways with her dp- yes imo
i think op you know you deserve better than this which is why you are looking for outside opinions, but you are comparing yourself to others worse off than yourself so that you feel better about staying with this man, but i really do hope you can find some peace within yourself before it tears you up completely, what your dp has done is unforgivable imo.

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:11

Yes, sometimes you do need to weigh up the pros and cons and do what you feel best, your life, no one else can live it for you. All free will in the end, but you have to choose something that will work for your future. I understand that you find yourself in this crap situation through no fault of your own and your dreams of how you thought things would be have been shattered. If I was you, I would be thinking it through very seriously and honestly to figure out I'm which future scenario you will be happiest.

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:12

No, I'm not a journalist. Are you asking if I have fabricated this story in order to get others to open up? Or is it just that I phrase things in a particular way? Anyway, I am most definitely not a journalist.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 21:12

OP, do put my comments in your copy, won't you ?

and if you are not a journalist, then at least understand your situation is so damaging and intolerable then it might as well be fiction Sad

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:14

I can read thank you, I just obviously have a different viewpoint. I personally would be thinking of leaving if another solution cannot be found and he won't stop texting. What does he say is the reason for him not stopping? Does he know how you feel about it?

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:17

You say he's unhappy, do you know why? Do you want to stay with him if he is unhappy with you?

AKE2012 · 28/05/2012 21:20

To be blunt with u he is taking the pss. My ex started seeing his boss when we were married, when he left me for her i was devestated, gutted and thought that my life would be over.
Four years later he asked me out of the blue if it was a mistake in him leaving. I took great pleasure in telling him that for me it was the best thing he had ever done.
I can understand why u stay but it sounds like there is no love on his side and u need to ask urself if u can b with someone who doesnt love u back. If the answer is yes then u have to just live with it. I personally think u shuld leave him.

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:22

I think I said that he was happy, rather than unhappy. And why wouldn't he be? He has/had two women wanting to be with him. I am not giving him an easy time over this; it's not a case of slippers by the fire and tea on the table, and the counselling was much more difficult for him than for me. I am not trying to find excuses for him; I just wanted to put some feelers out, to see if others had endured anything similar. And if I wanted copy, I would be more than capable of writing my own and fabricating my correspondents.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 28/05/2012 21:27

But what are you hoping for op lots of other posters telling you they are happy living in the same situation? That's just not going to happen!

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:30

Sorry, I misread your post. You say "enduring" the situation. Is that how you feel it would be. Why do you think it's worth it? Being single isn't that bad and there are lovely men out there. It's very trying to be in a relationship where you love them and they don't feel the same. He could leave at any point... Would it be worth it?

Time is precious. You should look to make the most of your life and have as many wonderful experiences as you can. Your son is nearly an adult now? Would he be ok with you leaving? You say you're half a person without him... I'm not sure that's healthy in a relationship. You need to be a whole person in order to give and take effectively from a relationship. Do you think you could do anything to help you feel whole irrespective of him?

Chubfuddler · 28/05/2012 21:33

Misdirected anger is v v common on this particular part of the forum. We're not the ones you should feel angry at.

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:33

I didn't start his in order to initiate a 'masochists united' website, susiedaisy. I know that my situation is unusual in some respects, but I can't believe there aren't hundreds of other women out there who have been through the wringer with ongoing infidelity. That's all, really. As I said right at the start, I have never done this before and hardly know either what I expected or what I would reveal. Too much, perhaps!

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:36

Neezy, i understand you don't feel the same as some of the posts, but do you want to talk about it? You have really said much about what your OH has explained to you?

Houseofplain · 28/05/2012 21:37

It's not infidelity as in a monogamous marriage though really is it? He's told you exactly where he stands and how he feels. So from his perspective you have an open marriage. So you either accept that or you don't. Currently you are accepting it, so he has an open marriage.

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:37

Chubf...- of course, I can't be angry with complete strangers, (unless they run over my dog). I am not at all angry but rather appreciative of quite a few of the posts. As I keep saying, I am completely new to this and didn't really know what to expect. I said I was naive, didn't I?

OP posts: