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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexting mid-life man

106 replies

Neezy · 28/05/2012 18:44

I have just joined this site and am fascinated to see how similar other women's experiences are to my own. My partner of 25 years started an affair a year and a half ago with a colleague of his. Started out with him 'comforting' her and helping her through her painful divorce. An irony that's not lost on me. To cut a long story short, the sequence of events is: I challenge him about being different towards me - I 'find' explicit texts about what they'd like to do to each other - he tells me that a wiser woman than I would have turned a blind eye and put it down to mid-life madness - the texts continue - I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief - he starts seeing a Relate counsellor - he moves back in, says it's all over with her - we start going to counselling together, but I can't hack it - all going well between us, but he's still texting her regularly telling her how amazing she is etc etc. So, that's where I am at. Living with a very happy man whom I love very much. Sex life crap but otherwise we get on well. I don't think he has any plans to stop the texts any time soon and just tells me that it's got nothing to do with 'us'. I think if I read this about another woman I would feel so sorry for her, but suspect that she might be a bit of a doormat. But I really don't think of myself like that at all. I think I'm ballsy and tough. Am I deluding myself?

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 28/05/2012 21:38

Op lots of us were going through the wringer with infidelity of one sort or another and we left the relationship because we saw that we could have a better life without the pain that infedelity brings!

Chubfuddler · 28/05/2012 21:38

You are incredibly naive, yes. Awaken from your stupor. You sound drugged.

nevertidy · 28/05/2012 21:41

OP I am sure you are right - sadly there probably are many in your situation - but you won't find them here. Possibly because they don't want to admit it - everyone can be stronger / more decisive online.

Doesn't alter the messages you are getting. How do you intend to re-establish your equality? Have a plan - counselling or not you need to be confident in your marriage otherwise mistrust, insecurity and competing with the OW will hurt you more.

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 21:48

OP, this is an opportunity for you to get it all out and get some support. I know some of the posters have been abrupt but they are trying to help. Your post does indicate that there's not much hope for a different future, unless there's anything else you have to share?

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 21:54

Thanks Nevertidy and Eshock. I do have a plan and that's to get on with my life, hopefully with him, but possibly without. All in all, I really enjoy my life. Yes, there have been some phenomenonally wretched times over the last year and a bit, but I want to be able to recover and progress. Will he stop texting? It's hard to predict, but my instincts say that he will. If he doesn't? Well, that's when I have to make a choice. If I decide to be a complete sap and stay with him if he's unfaithful in the future, believe me when I say that I won't come looking for tea and comfort here any time soon! I like straight talking people, but it doesn't have to be cruel or vicious. Perhaps it was the word 'mum' in the title that made me believe there'd be more kindness here. There I go with that naivety again.

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 28/05/2012 21:58

There you go op sniping at others again that have tried to help you!

Annielove · 28/05/2012 21:59

You do realise he will probably eventually leave you! It looks like he is always going to be on the look out. Yes, lots of people live with infidelity but do you always want to be wondering if he is going to leave you again ,maybe tomorrow, next year, five years ??? You are worth so much more!!!!!!

ZenNudist · 28/05/2012 21:59

OP I appreciate that you don't want to shake up your life but the reason why your H treats you this way is because you let him. If you made a credible threat to ending your marriage over his behaviour then he would likely give up his OW. As You say he already ended it I suggest you at least let him know he is on a final chance and if it starts again you ask him to leave. Seeing a lawyer on the quiet could be a good practical way to mentally test out the idea of leaving. You could have a initial no cost consultation and may find out some tips from the legal position about what will happen to the house you love. It would be well to do this even if you not prepared to ditch him as he could still leave you. It must be awful to live with that insecurity.

Your dh is very likely to cheat again if he thinks you won't find out. Is it possible to resurrect your sex life ? It seems sad to me that your dh is able to still have fun but you have consigned yourself to another 3 decades of sexless marriage. Are you looking for consolation that that's okay?

sarahseashell · 28/05/2012 22:03

one of the great things about MN is that you'll get honest objective opinions here. No-one is going to look at your situation and think it's okay from your POV to be honest. We seem to hold you in more esteem than you do yourself then in that regard.
Your anger might be better directed to your h whose behaviour is very cruel. It's nothing short of tragic that you think being married to someone who is treating you in this way is preferable to being single. It isn't. It's hard to understand why you've posted on here, what would you like people to say?

ThatVikRinA22 · 28/05/2012 22:08

*am i deluding myself"?

yes.

do i feel sorry for you?

no. you are choosing to stay. your choice.

do i think you are stark staring crazy?

yes.

do you think your husband is just sexting?
really???

im not really understanding the reason you posted. If you are happy with the situation as it is then why post?

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 22:08

No, ZN, I'm not looking for consolation. I find it odd that people are so ready to assume that because a man has an affair after 25 years and then is an arse about finishing that r.ship, that ergo he is an habitual womaniser and his partner is doomed to living the rest of her life with insecurity and doubt. Relationships can recover, can't they?

OP posts:
nevertidy · 28/05/2012 22:08

Oh Neezy - I am not very experienced on MN either, but there is compassion and comfort here too honestly - however bluntly the other posters put their points forward they do have your long term well being at heart I think.

I really hope things work out for you - you are obviously an intelligent and thoughtful person. Find security in your marriage and (sorry for broken record) think how you will cope and progress beyond the end of his affair (if your instincts are right) such that you have the respect you deserve from him. Good luck

Houseofplain · 28/05/2012 22:11

I think op has confused this site with other mumsy sites. All Hun, it's ok xxxxx you'll win him back, get some underwear sweetie xxxxx

People here maybe "abrupt" well generally it's because people say it how it really is, no sugar coating. As generally most posters on mn actually value being women and don't want to see others putting up with this kind of rubbish, so won't be able to understand it or "justify" it. It's not a website stuck in the Hun xxxxx stage of Internet parenting sites circa 10 years ago.

ThatVikRinA22 · 28/05/2012 22:13

neezy - they can recover - but from the way your husband is still behaving it is unlikely that he is bothered.

my marriage was saved following an affair 17 years ago, but it took dedication, commitment, honesty, truth, counselling, and a desire from both of us for the marriage to succeed.

DH was not the guilty party btw. I felt like i had a second chance and i grabbed it.
we have been married for 21 years now.

but your husbands behaviour is not the behaviour of a man wanting to save his marriage. im sorry.

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 22:13

OP, I understand your motivations, I'm sure I would be the same at some point but you do have to think seriously about your own happiness. Life is so very short. As long as you are truly happy with your decision, that's all that matters but please believe that you are not weak for not being able to live like this. I couldn't, I know that ( with a rough idea of your situation). Please talk to him, try counselling again, persevere in trying to understand why he is treating you with so little respect...

Does he deserve you? I'm not sure, but I would say he doesn't. Could you be happier at some point without him? Again, I'm not sure but I'd say you could. Life is a risk whatever way you look at it. Point is you are aware of the risks of staying with him, but you haven't yet explored the risks of leaving him. Your choice ultimately, I think I would be looking for a trial separation for at least 3/6 months to see which side of the fence was greener. If he loves you, you will work it out and a trial separation might give you both the space to do that. Good luck in whatever you decide.

Just one thing, sorry of you feel this comment is out of order but your post does come across like you don't feel worthy of a happier life. Please work on that, you sound like a strong and intelligent woman. Self esteem is key to finig happiness...

Original poster
Neezy · 28/05/2012 22:19

No, HoP, not as in 'mumsie', but as in female/woman - relatable experiences etc.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 28/05/2012 22:20

The real problem is that your dh does not respect you OP.

He does not care about your feelings or even want your opinion.

I would be more concerned about living with a man who didn't respect me, than worrying about whether or not he was texting someone else. Because even if he wasn't, he is still a crap partner.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:25

Relationships can recover if the cheating partner takes full responsibility for his/her actions, completely cuts off the affair partner and totally recommits to the marriage

Your H isn't doing that, not by a long way

Do you think you can save your marriage all by yourself ? That's not possible. unless you settle for doormat status.

cerealqueen · 28/05/2012 22:26

OP, I can see why you are reluctant to leave....but your DP can't love you anymore or else why would he carry on doing this to you? He carries on because he can, what is to stop him? He doesn't seem to be worried about losing you. Why be with somebody who is that indifferent to how you feel or whether you are or are not in his life. I can't see this ending well.

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:27

OP, if you found just one woman here who is living the same awful situation as you, would it make it all ok ?

Leverette · 28/05/2012 22:28

This reply has been deleted

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EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 22:28

Would a trial separation be so bad? Space is always thought provoking boh sides...

EclecticShock · 28/05/2012 22:30

You don't seem keen to put your oh side across, does he have any valid points about his behaviour ? Or do you just feel this is the place to share them?

AnyFucker · 28/05/2012 22:31

There has already been a trial separation, the OP's H simply went off and carried on shagging the OW

then came back home, and is still doing it

not very useful really, except to him of course

btw, ES, this is why people are accusing you of not having read the whole thread

this information was divulged in the OP, didn't you read it properly ?

Fairenuff · 28/05/2012 22:35

I feel that I'm becoming unhinged and marginally deranged, so obsessive have I become - he keeps telling me there's nothing going on - the texts become more explicit than ever - he moves out to give us 'space' - they start having sex - I feel destroyed and suicidal with grief

If someone else posted this, what would you advise them to do?

This is emotional abuse.

You need to work on your own self esteem so that you can find the strength to leave all this shit behind. It's not good for you to be in this 'relationship'.

I would suggest you arrange counselling just for yourself to talk about how you feel and what you want for your future. Don't concern yourself with what he wants, he is sorting that out himself.