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Original poster

Do you think he will hurt me?

673 replies

singlemum2012 · 21/05/2012 21:59

I am newly and unexpectedly single, separated for a while but ex-dh only moved out 6 months ago so I am fairly new to dating. Ex-dh was first boyfriend so not very experienced.

Have started seeing this guy. Sex is fantastic, we began the relationship as a friends with benefits thing as he is a bit younger than me and doesn't want kids, fine with me and scratches an itch till I find someone more suitable for long-term. But this guy is a bit of an oddball and has been doing more and more things and I can't figure out whether he is not safe to be around or just messing with me. I only see him on weekends when I don't have my kids, he has never been to my house and does not even know my address.

A couple of times he has hidden behind the bathroom door so when I come out it makes me jump. Another time I was coming out of the bathroom and he was brandishing a hammer. He said he was putting up pictures, and there were pictures on the floor, but he never got around to it and I didn't see any nails, I just had the feeling he was doing it on purpose to scare me. He has cooked for me twice and both times has loaded the meals with as much fat as he possibly can, food fried in stupid amounts of lard, with gold top milk and cream and alcohol added. He told me one of his girlfriends put on two stone in six months when she lived with him. He's skinny and I noticed he ate less than half of his portion. He makes a big deal over the fact that he likes offal, raw meat and black pudding and is a huge attention seeker, when I am with him he is really wearing, he wants my attention all of the time, even keeping me awake most of the night and not letting me sleep. If it wasn't for the fabulous sex I would have run, would like to stay for this but I can't figure out whether he is a harmless attention-seeker pretending to be a dark and dangerous guy or whether he is actually dangerous. He drinks like a fish as well, has no friends (he says), wears black all the time and has decorated his house with weapons (he has good job and own house). He texts me all the time when I am not with him. I feel I don't have enough experience to evaluate him...my head says run but my heart wants the attention / the intimacy / the great sex.

Your opinions please??

OP posts:
Original poster
singlemum2012 · 21/05/2012 22:36

mcmooncup - of course not...I already said, he's a FWB, a fuck buddy, he's not even a boyfriend

OP posts:
QueenofMacaroniCheese · 21/05/2012 22:37

I was a SM for about 4 years and the loneliness can drive you to make some shoddy decisions. It's fair to say I've dated some complete twats. It would always start off as something casual, then I'd start enjoying the sex which is addictive by the way and then before I knew it I was ignoring their obvious faults just to have someone to spend weekends with - even though I knew they weren't right for me.

Loneliness / need for intimacy is a bitch. But I look back on some of the men I went out with and shudder. What this relationship is doing is putting off the day you meet the guy who is right for you. Whether he's a nutter or not he's not the one for you or you wouldn't be posting on here. You said yourself you're not massively experienced - so the sex is just the best you've had so far. Get out there and meet someone you can introduce to your children one day.

And no, being a bachelor doesn't explain him decorating his house with weapons.

jazzchickens · 21/05/2012 22:38

On a serious note.

Something in your gut is telling you that his behaviour is weird.

Listen to your instinct.

BupcakesandCunting · 21/05/2012 22:38

Well, if he's taking down his dating profile he obviously sees you as more than a fuck buddy. It sounds like he has PROBLEMS with boundaries so whilst in YOUR head, you are simply fuck buddies, he is probably telling his mother (who is in shackles in his cellar) that he has met his bride.

PacificDogwood · 21/05/2012 22:39

I am now sitting here hoping that you are a troll, rather than a vulnerable woman in thrall to some unpleasant man Sad and struggling to see this.

Here is another thought: if you adult child was in this kind of relationship, what would you want for her?

HokeyCokeyPigInaPokey · 21/05/2012 22:39

Yes you should always trust your gut feeling.

And if something awful was to happen does that mean no one knows anything about him or where you are when you're with him?

BertieBotts · 21/05/2012 22:40

If you ever have vague doubts about a person, especially if it's something you can't quite put your finger on, then leave them well alone, because even if the chances are small, being involved with a psychopath is something that will seriously and irrevocably (well, without years of therapy) ruin your life. They permeate into every nice part of it and try to strangle it so that it's either gone completely or damaged, oh, and that goes for the good traits about yourself, too, confidence, self-esteem, trust, kindness. And they are REALLY fucking hard to get away from once you get in too deep, and the stupid part is that you don't realise you're in too deep until it's too late.

Why would you hang around when there's even a chance of that happening? Psychopaths are estimated to make up 1-3% of the population. They're not all mad axe-wielding murderers, surprisingly, most of them appear quite normal. There are probably a few on mumsnet Confused Find yourself a nice safe-but-not-relationship-material shag buddy before you start dating. Itch scratched, no terrifying urge to stay with potential psychopaths.

Oh and read this. www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0767915828

And this. All of it. Subscribe to it on facebook. www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

blackeyedsusan · 21/05/2012 22:40

run like buggery and don't look back.

LowFlyingBirds · 21/05/2012 22:40

Oh my god.
There are so many decent posters here, with tons of patience,really wanting to make a complete stranger see sense before she gets eaten hurt.
To keep offering sensible advice in the face of all the 'but he knows his way around me minge' stuff is admirable.
I realise i am not quite so nice cos i really couldnt give a toss (lightly in herb butter) if someone continues to hang out with a cannibal fantasist, eyes fully open, because of the size of his cock.

Original poster
singlemum2012 · 21/05/2012 22:40

nope I already said I tell my friend exactly where I am going and message her frequently to let her know I am OK

OP posts:
Buckingfiatch · 21/05/2012 22:41

All you keep banging on about is your "needs". And what about your childrens needs? Needing their mother to not be selfish and put her safety first so she doesn't end up in hospital/six feet under?

FFS, it is just a shag. You don't NEED that intimacy with him. You already have DC at home who love you dearly and want cuddles or what not. Isn't that good enough for you? Value the relationships you already have which do not put you in danger.

JoInScotland · 21/05/2012 22:41

Has anyone shouted, "Leave the bastard!" yet?

Burgermuffin · 21/05/2012 22:41

What is his 'good job'?

HokeyCokeyPigInaPokey · 21/05/2012 22:41

Grin LowFlyingBirds

squeakytoy · 21/05/2012 22:42

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bobbledunk · 21/05/2012 22:42

Are you excited at the prospect of him being a murderer, you seem a bit turned on by it? I'd suggest you'd think of the children but if you're going to expose them to somebody who you think may kill you (and possibly even them if he truly is a killer/wannabe killer) and if you're prepared to leave them motherless for the sake of a shag then they'd probably be better off without you around to endanger them. Think about that the next time you want to fuck him.

Are you going to be a responsible mother to your children or are you going to be an idiot on a suicide mission?

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 21/05/2012 22:42

But if he hospitalises/kills you - it doesn't matter that your friend can tell the police who did it!

Think of your children!!!!

Burgermuffin · 21/05/2012 22:42

Ditch him but take the black pudding - it'll be more satisfying and not likely to kill you.

Marilyn1980 · 21/05/2012 22:42

P.S. I bet he does know where you live

JennyPiccolo · 21/05/2012 22:43

What's up with black pudding? WTFuck?

thebody · 21/05/2012 22:44

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Velmadaphne · 21/05/2012 22:44

You've said you're not experienced, so please, for the sake of your children, use the benefit of our experience and get out of this "relationship" now, if he'll let you.

Why did you ask for opinions if you are so blatantly ignoring them?

I feel sorry for your children.

And what kind of freakish relationship makes you feel you have to keep a friend informed of your whereabouts and safety, past the first date stage? Trust me, this is NOT normal.

Original poster
singlemum2012 · 21/05/2012 22:44

I think painting him as a potential murderer is a bit OTT. I just feel he wants to shock.

Buckingfiatch, no cuddles with children do NOT fill the gap, done this for many years.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 21/05/2012 22:45

There is nothing wrong with wanting something more than to spend time with your children.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a shag.

There IS something very wrong with thinking this man is in any way a suitable sexual partner, however casual you may consider the arrangement to be.

BupcakesandCunting · 21/05/2012 22:45

My BF has been in a shit relationship with a weirdo (although tbf, YOUR weirdo makes HER weirdo seem like Philip Schofield actually) and the only draw is the amayyyyyzing sex. She needs to get a grip. She is 35, been with him for 12 years and it is going nowhere. He is a loser and she stays with him for sex?! WTAF?! She could have found a hundred skilled sexers in 12 years!

Anyway. Look. On paper:

*Eats offal
*Wields hammers
*Collects weapons
*No mates
*Problem with boundaries
*Wears all black
*Even if this is all a facade to make him appear more "interesting", it still makes him weird.

Ditch him.