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Original poster

What are your views on porn?

155 replies

EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:25

Walked in on dp last night pleasuring himself and watching porn. I was a little taken aback as since I've known him, he has never alluded to the fact he watches porn while masturbating. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it too much before. His body, his mind etc. I always thought he probably masturabated but guess it became real last night. He was open about it. I've tried to not make a big deal out of it until I decide how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong I masturbate and read eroticism so no real difference there. I do it when he's not here though, he doesn't have that luxury as I'm generally always here so he waited until I went to bed. Fair enough.

I guess I'm now really intrigued to know what exactly he was watching as I didn't realise he was that into visual stuff, thought he was more of a thoughts person. Anyway, he wants to discuss it with me because he thinks I'm upset. I'm not upset as such just a bit shocked I suppose. God knows why, when my personal beliefs are that it's normal.

Our sex life is good. No worries there. My question is should I ask him in depth questions about it or should I just leave it as something that is private to him, that I don't really need to know? I think I might be quite judgemental if it's something I'm not into... Opinions please.

I'm also very nosy...

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sternface · 15/05/2012 19:36

Erotica isn't the same though because no-one's hurt in the making of it and it's fiction, whereas in porn they are and it is real-life. And you're doing that classic thing of confusing porn with masturbation. No-one needs porn to masturbate. Separate the personal from the political. You might not find it a threat to your relationship, but you might (I hope) have a problem with a man who feels entitled to watch women who are often co-erced into performing in exchange for his orgasm. And he can't know how that porn was being made.

Teansympathy · 15/05/2012 19:38

Why dont you ask him to watch it together?, you never know it might spice thi, ngs up abit for you both or not , nothing ventured and all that, hope it goes well for you both whatever the outcome.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:38

I don't think he would have been thinking about it that deeply. I have watched porn and enjoye it without thinking how it was made etc. I understand your point though but I don't think most men feel the need to worry about why women are doing it, personal choice and all that.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 19:39

You could discuss it together. If you think it's normal I don't think it would be all that awkward a conversation. Never hurts to explore each other's sexuality. Personally, I'd only be concerned if porn was being used as a substitute for affection, if the subject matter was extreme, costing money you can't afford or if it went beyond images/movies and he was contacting a real person.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:40

We have watched it together, but last night there was no chance of any intimacy so I guess he decided to opt for porn.

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:41

But do I pressurise him to tell me what exactly he was watching to satisfy my curiosity? What happens if it's something I find a turn off or degrading to women?

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:43

Let me just add he is lovely in every respect and shows a healthy appreciation for women, as in is not degrading towards them in any way.

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:45

I don't want to drive a wedge between us by asking him his innermost thoughts? There's lots of thoughts that I have that I don't share with him to save his feelings etc. what happens if he thinks I'm more open minded than I am and tells me something I don't want to hear?

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Beamae · 15/05/2012 19:50

From experience I'd say definitely don't ask for details. You sound like you have a healthy attitude towards your partner using porn so leave well enough alone. Too much info will only torture you over time if you find out something you don't want to know...

sternface · 15/05/2012 19:56

It's not unhealthy to be anti-porn.

A lot of the women in porn don't make a free choice at all and you'd have to be in hefty denial when there's so much evidence about the harm and abuse in the industry to think that everyone in it makes a free choice.

Notinmylife · 15/05/2012 20:01

I think if you feel you need to know, then you should ask him more about it. There is always that risk that you will get an answer you don't want, but if you don't ask, your imagination could come up with far worse than the reality.

I am also curious, to those who are anti porn because it is degrading to women, what about the men who are in it? Are they degraded as well or do we assume they all enjoy it because they are male?

uneasyaboutporn · 15/05/2012 20:02

I've namechanged for this. This happened to me last week and I was really upset because I couldn't have sex because I had just had an operation and it made me feel bad because I have a high sex drive and I wanted to have sex but couldn't.

He said he prefers me but just felt a bit frustrated - we have sex a lot usually.

The thing is that I have watched porn myself as well and I quite like it. But I would never do it unless he was not here, and actually I don't do it any more because I prefer to have sex with him - I tended to do it more as a single person.

Maybe I'm a huge hypocrite but most women do seem to feel threatened by porn - and I did too on that particular night - I felt like he had left me out. Mostly because I was feeling vulnerable after my operation.

Long ramble there...........porn does make people feel upset and I think on that basis it can be harmful. That's quite aside from the issue of misogyny and exploitation.

uneasyaboutporn · 15/05/2012 20:05

One thing that I find awful is that the women in these films usually get injuries from the abnormally huge penises in these films. I have seen stuff where the woman cannot have been enjoying it - I never liked watching that kind of stuff :(

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 20:06

Beamae. That's what I'm thinking. I'm not against him watching porn. I can't control what he watches or what he finds exciting. He has given me no reason to believe that we have a mismatch in terms of what we like. Been together 5 years. I'm going to leave well alone. Some things are private and I know what I'm like, I'll think about whatever he says he was watching far too much, no matter how innocent and it will affect our sex life and relationship possibly. I think I should just let it lie. Even if he says he was watching x,y or z, I can't change that he likes it, I can't stop him watching it and it hasn't affected our relationship detrimentally so far.

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sternface · 15/05/2012 20:07

Some men are degraded in porn and come to it because of child abuse, addictions and extreme poverty but the vast majority of porn is made for a male audience who enjoy seeing women degraded far more than fellow men. There is much less of a market for seeing men penetrated in every orifice and less still for them enduring violence from a sexual partner. Therefore this is a gendered industry and it is just market forces that dictates what porn producers will make according to what's popular with consumers.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 20:17

Sternface, I understand your points but not everyone sees it like you do. There is undoubtedly that side to it but equally, we are human and some of us like watching people having sex.

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sternface · 15/05/2012 20:24

You don't want to know whether your partner enjoys seeing anything more extreme than 'people having sex' though do you? You can dress it up as it being an invasion of his privacy and you're not the thought police, but what you're saying is that as long as you don't get to hear about anything nasty, you can pretend for a while longer that he just enjoys seeing naked people having fun and that the people he watches are happy, non-coerced, drug-free and having had happy childhoods. The three wise monkeys approach in other words.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 20:30

Sternface, it's quite pessimistic and extreme to think he's watching something that is against my personal beliefs. Even if he is, he is allowed his own beliefs. I judge him on the way he treats me and our son, family, not what he masturbates to. People can have extreme fantasies and still be good parents, partners, friends and family. For me, it's all about how you live your day today life no what fantasies you migh harbour. Fantasies arent real after all. Enacting them in real life is where they become real.

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WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 20:35

sternface

Most of us use the 'three wise monkeys' approach when it comes to things.

The computer you own

The mobile phone you own

Your TV

Your stereo

The chocolate you eat

The tea you drink

The list is endless. These are all industries where sometimes women, children and men are abused and sometimes die to produce the things in the list.

All most of us do is hope all the parts were produced ethically...but how many of us refuse to own any of those things just incase they weren't?

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 15/05/2012 20:36

sternface I think you are quite naive if you believe that a lot of women don't enjoy working in porn.

A lot of women actually hold the belief that they are the ones doing the expoiting.

Not all women need other women to fight their corner.

BelieveInPink · 15/05/2012 20:37

I can understand the reason for being anti porn when we're talking about really sick degrading stuff, but for people to say it's wrong is, well, wrong! As long as porn doesn't substitute sex, affection and attention in marriages, and as long as both are happy with it then what's the problem? It's just another way of spicing up a love life.

I watch it. DH watches it. We watch it together. Occasionally mind you, if it was every night I'd consider that an addiction.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 20:40

If this thread was the othe way round and he was posting saying I'd been watching porn, you might not have the same posts. You might tell him to talk to me and understand why I found it enjoyable.

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BelieveInPink · 15/05/2012 20:40

And you're not telling me that every porn star, male and female, is being forced into it. Some people aspire to it! Why does it have to be dark, nasty and abusive?

BasilEatsFoulEggs · 15/05/2012 20:43

You asked what our views were on porn.

My view is that I would not be able to respect a man who finds the sight of women being humiliated and sexually tortured, so delightful, that he wanks himself to orgasm at the sight of it.

It is absolutely not unreasonable to wonder if that's the sort of material he's watching, because that's the majority of porn that is being produced now.

Most people access porn via the internet. Google porn without filters and see what comes up. What you will see, is absolutely representative of the most popular porn that people are accessing.

Most women who work in the sex industry, ahve a background of sexual abuse and / or rape.

70% of women who exit the sex industry, get Post Traumatic Sex Disorder. That's the same level as torture victims, higher than police officers or firemen or other high risk professions.

Bury your head in the sand about it if you want, that's your choice.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 20:45

Thanks basil we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Makes a change :)

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