What are your views on porn?

[EclecticShock]

Walked in on dp last night pleasuring himself and watching porn. I was a little taken aback as since I've known him, he has never alluded to the fact he watches porn while masturbating. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it too much before. His body, his mind etc. I always thought he probably masturabated but guess it became real last night. He was open about it. I've tried to not make a big deal out of it until I decide how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong I masturbate and read eroticism so no real difference there. I do it when he's not here though, he doesn't have that luxury as I'm generally always here so he waited until I went to bed. Fair enough.

I guess I'm now really intrigued to know what exactly he was watching as I didn't realise he was that into visual stuff, thought he was more of a thoughts person. Anyway, he wants to discuss it with me because he thinks I'm upset. I'm not upset as such just a bit shocked I suppose. God knows why, when my personal beliefs are that it's normal.

Our sex life is good. No worries there. My question is should I ask him in depth questions about it or should I just leave it as something that is private to him, that I don't really need to know? I think I might be quite judgemental if it's something I'm not into... Opinions please.

I'm also very nosy...

Not all porn shows women being sexually tortured and humiliated. Some porn is just two people having sex. And the problem is...

Good lord Basil have you ever done this porn search yourself ?

Where are you getting your figures from ?

DH and I come across sex workers in the course of our jobs .

In 12 years I have only encountered 1 that had post trauma.

The industry is as old as life itself.

And it's not all dark and twisted .

The industry is not as old as life itself.

It is only as old as patriarchy. Don't fall into the trap of thinking patriarchy = life.

Just because you have only met 1 traumatised exited person, doesn't mean the data is wrong. Kat Banyard quotes these figures in the Equality Illusion, they have been well researched. My grandmother lived till she was 98 and smoked 20 a day for 70 years, doesn't mean all the research ever done on smoking is wrong.

I haven't done the search on google, I don't need to, people who write about porn do the search regularly and nothing changes. Google is the most popular search engine on the web. The internet is the way most people now access porn. The first 10 results will give you a good idea, of what most people find the most pleasurable wanking material. Saying all porn isn't like that, doesn't negate the fact that most porn is and that the OP's DH may well be watching that. If you don't believe me, you can do the search yourself, I believe the people who do it simply because it would be very easy to disprove by doing the search.

I'm just giving you the info. What you do with it, is entirely your business, no-one else's. If you choose to bury it, that's up to you.

I think basil is coming from a "feminist" approach, so her views are valid in that context to an extent. Unfortunately, I believe the world is not black and white so that's where we differ.

basil so I guess you think I should interrogate dp and find out exactly what he was watching? What would I then do with that info? Or should I just leave him for watching any kind of porn full stop, bearing in mind he is a great father and partner?

You're right, I did ask for your views on porn.

ES I think you should decide what to do, it's your relationship.

We all have our dealbreakers; for me, a man who find the sight of a woman being sexually tortured so delightful that it brings him to orgasm, would not be a suitable person to share my home, family and life with. There was a time when I could have contemplated such a man as a suitable casual lover, but the more I've learned about porn, the less I am attracted to men who use it, even for just very light-hearted, casual sex. The older I get, the more I jsut want to spend time with people I respect who make me feel happy and comfortable and don't cause me to compromise really deeply held beliefs.

But your dealbreakers will be different from mine. We're all individuals. I'm not telling you what to do with your relationship, that would be ridiculous and frankly you would be bonkers to make choices about your relationship based on what some random on the interweb says. But you asked for views on porn, and I'm being honest with you. It's something I'm not prepared to compromise on, but then, I'm happy being single, so I can understand that a lot of other women feel they have to compromise on it, or they don't know enough about porn, to feel it's a big issue for them.

I think it's important to give people real information about the porn industry though, so that they can make informed choices. Lots of people once they find out what the porn industry actually is, find they no longer get turned on by it.

And yes there's a tiny minority of porn that is ethically sourced and non-abusive. If people want to convince themselves that their DH's have gone to the enormous trouble of sourcing that, good luck to them.

I'm sure he hasn't gone to those lengths just as I wouldn't have.

I suppose there is every chance that he enjoys watching sexual torture. But equally you could find out something tamer, and you need to decide before you ask for any details how you will process that information. You might find out that he likes watching brunettes with big boobs while you are AA and blonde. If that kind of thing is likely to replay in your mind every time you see him around someone who looks like his fantasy then you are better off not knowing. I know that theoretically he doesn't necessarily want his fantasies to be reality but only you know how you are likely to react.

I also don't see the world in black and white btw. It's just that porn is one of my deal breakers. I might find something acceptable, which you would consider grounds for divorce. We're all individuals and have different priorities and that's fine.

Thing is, only you can decide how much this bothers you. What you imagine may be worse than the reality and you may find that you're relieved to talk to him about it and if you don't, you cd be unnecessarily imagining him watching something far worse than he is. OTOH if you do talk to him and find he is watching something that you find really unethical and upsetting, this could present you with a problem that you really are not ready to face. Only you know what is the best situation for you.

Sorry am off to bed now but wish you the best in sorting it out, whatever you decide. Good night.

There is no such thing as victimless porn- if there are pictures or videos somebody's being exploited to make it.

Fair enough basil, point taken.

Seeker, I believe in personal choice to an extent so I don't agree with your statement. It's a sweeping generalistion. Anyway let's not turn this thread into a discussion about patriarchy and feminism. I have already tried to interact with you on the feminism board and it wast very successful due to differing opinions. So please keep it light on this thread, I'm not asking for an in depth analysis based on feminist ideology just a general consensus :)

Ah. Some new definition of ""opinions, please" that I have not previously encountered. Fine!

There is plenty of porn made with willing participants, that does not feature mutant penises so big they damage women's genitals. Not everyone likes porn, for a variety of reasons. But not everyone who does like porn is a woman-hating maniac, either. Plenty of porn viewers might not search for the gold-standard of performer-wellbeing stuff (or know how to find it) but they will search for stuff that isn't 'rough' gonzo if what they want to watch is people enjoying having sex. If what turns you on is watching people enjoying sex, watching someone not enjoying it will turn you off. Same as, if your particular preference is heterosexual sex, gay porn will not appeal to you.

Seeker, don't be like that... I appreciate your opinion but we were are coming from very different angles and we are not going to see eye to eye on this thread. The feminism board is more the place toget into the nitty gritty. I have explained that I am ok with porn. My question was how far should I go with my questions to him.

I don't think my DP uses porn. Maybe I am naive but I have full access to the computer, I'm normally there when he is on it, we don't have a particularly rocking sex life but we are very open. We have spoken about porn and he tells me it does very little for him and for such reasons he has not bothered with it since he was a teen. I have a varied view on one hand, I dislike porn for the dark side of what it represents, on the other hand I have known girls who work in strip clubs and lap dances and these girls where quite happy to do this and enjoyed their job and where not forced by circumstance or any other person.

I think if I found DP doing it regularly I would be a bit concerned but as a one off it wouldn't bother me too much.

I agree with SGB.

if I was to read certain posts too often I would feel ashamed of myself to be honest. And it shouldn't be that way. Yes there is a level of porn that I would not go near and am not interested in, same goes for DH. We watch quite vanilla stuff, two people enjoying sex, two consenting people having sex. To be honest I would probably be into more racier porn than what DH is, porn isn't just men getting off on seeing women being tortured. And it doesn't all exploit either. None of these women (and men, let's not forget them) choose to shoot porn movies then, or enjoy having sex on camera?

I also agree with Basil though. It's about your boundaries and deal breakers. No two people are the same when it comes to those. As long as the OP is happy with porn as a rule, then her issue is not with the porn, but with the level of porn he watches, or even just a conversation about whether he's always done it or if it's something they might want to watch together.

I'd agree that most people who watch porn don't get off on a woman who doesn't appear to be enjoying herself, but that's exactly why the porn producers insist that the women act as though they don't feel pain, with many of them having to dose up on drugs to numb it. All so Mr. and Mrs. Average can kid themselves that the women are enjoying it and want to be there. The same Mr. and Mrs. Average who don't like reading too many posts on here about the truth and prefer to ignore the mass of evidence that tells the truth about what really goes into making that guilt-free orgasm.

But like Basil says, it's up to you OP and strangely, although this bothered you enough to start a thread to canvas others' opinions, it sounds like you'd made your mind up not to worry too much about this and write it off as a man thing, seeing as you've got your erotica to read and you don't question why your partner sits in front of a computer watching real-life stuff and you read fiction, or why that might be. You keep referring to what he watches as 'fantasy' and yet what he watches is actually happening, but to some other sucker.

You also seem to see things in a very black and white way - limiting your options to ignoring this or ending your relationship. I'd have thought if your relationship is as good as you say, a conversation about what he likes watching, why he does it, why his masturbation habits are different to yours and which fantasies appeal the most to you as individuals would be the next step. I can't see how ignoring it achieves anything, unless there might be revelations you don't want to deal with. But if there are darker sides to him that would cause you concern, ignoring it won't make those go away.

Sternface: You can't have it both ways. Either porn is all about 'torturing' women because that's what Evil Penis Men really want, or the majority of viewers of porn want to see people enjoying sex and therefore there's not much of a market for all this torture and degradation that apparently is the only kind of porn you can get nowadays.

I think you've misunderstood SolidGoldBrass. The popularity of rape and violent porn shows that a lot of people do enjoy that stuff, but the porn I suspect the majority likes is cognitive dissonnance material i.e. a woman being simultaneously penetrated in all orifices by objects and penises which for most women would cause discomfort and a bit of pain, especially when so much force is used, but a person watching this for the first time might marvel at the fact that the woman appears to be enjoying it and convinces him/herself that this must indeed be the case. Normal scepticism must be suspended, because this would get in the way of enjoyment. The industry thrives on people pretending that because a woman looks like she's enjoying it, it must be true, despite every porn actress admitting aferwards that that's what the producers told them to do. I also think some folk pretend that it's all fakery and editing and not real in the first place. What people don't want to confront is that it's real, it's often painful and if it was them being penetrated, they'd scream like a baby without drugs to numb the pain.

My feelings on porn. I have no problem with nudity, I think that there is porn out there that is exciting and porn that is - well - not sure whether to use the word niche or a bit revolting. Certainly not sexy.

I think my judgement on it is two fold, the first what would my feelings on my baby son watching it be (obviously as an older boy) and I do not intend him to be sexually repressed but educated I think is a better phrase. So not to ban porn as such, but at least use it with common sense.

The second is addiction. Porn is so very addictive, my XH is an alcoholic who cross-addicted to many things - spending money, porn, food... so basically once I got pregnant with my first child he started losing interest in sex with me and preferred wanking to unappealing, unsexy videos and images on his pc. His rationale was if he found free porn, he didn't have a problem (he used the same logic with alcohol, if he only drank beer he was not an alcoholic). He would do this during his lie in in the morning, whilst 'working from home', on the train, everywhere/anytime. I don't know how much time he spent doing it, but if you looked at the history there would be 20-30 plus images/videos a time, so not a quick fix. Saving his favourites on to the hard drive. So he was often not on his own at home, or would avoid going out with me to do this, at least daily. We had nearly no sex life for 6 years and when we did it was limited and wham-bam, no pleasure for me. Or I would try and initiate but he turned me down. I was effectively completely replaced. And it was not me who changed, physically and in every other way I was the same person he married.

So I do have a little anti-porn stance, but because of my experience. I like sex, a lot, and it was soul-destroying to be in a love-less marriage where images replaced me.

Using porn is a deal breaker for me too.

Both my H and I did a lot of reading about the realities of the porn industry and it really opened our eyes.

Those not forced into it are likely to have been conditioned into it - sadly because they were abused as children and young adults.