What are your views on porn?

[EclecticShock]

Walked in on dp last night pleasuring himself and watching porn. I was a little taken aback as since I've known him, he has never alluded to the fact he watches porn while masturbating. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it too much before. His body, his mind etc. I always thought he probably masturabated but guess it became real last night. He was open about it. I've tried to not make a big deal out of it until I decide how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong I masturbate and read eroticism so no real difference there. I do it when he's not here though, he doesn't have that luxury as I'm generally always here so he waited until I went to bed. Fair enough.

I guess I'm now really intrigued to know what exactly he was watching as I didn't realise he was that into visual stuff, thought he was more of a thoughts person. Anyway, he wants to discuss it with me because he thinks I'm upset. I'm not upset as such just a bit shocked I suppose. God knows why, when my personal beliefs are that it's normal.

Our sex life is good. No worries there. My question is should I ask him in depth questions about it or should I just leave it as something that is private to him, that I don't really need to know? I think I might be quite judgemental if it's something I'm not into... Opinions please.

I'm also very nosy...

Maybe he didn't want to worry you or make you feel under pressure? Sex (like art, music or sport) is different things to different people: no one is going to die from a lack of it but if it is something that is very important to a person, that person will miss it a great deal if it's in short supply. If your DP had been a musician (for example) and problems with your DS had meant that he had to give up playing his musical instrument, he might well have longed for it and googled stuff about it and occasionally sneaked home a musical instrument catalogue, because it would have felt like a dreadful loss to him even though he understood that circumstances made it difficult or impossible for him to devote any time or attention to music. Sex is that important to some people and they may well accept that it's not going to be happening much for the foreseeable future but still miss it, and occasionally want to divert a little spare time to thinking about it while not blaming or pressuring a partner who is understandably preoccupied with other things.

Ok, I've taken a deep breath and I realise the SN has come between us more than I thought. Thanks for your advice everyone. Bit seems its more complicated than an mn thread can do justice :)

I understand SGB, it's all related to him feeling excluded on my mission to help ds. Complicated and not about porn primarily.

Forget the 'ethics' of porn - there are none really. This is about your relationship. Porn is a slippery slope - it is very hard to just stick to just one thing, the industry is set up so that you are fed harder stuff to keep your interested, so for that reason alone I would say keep him well away if at all possible. Perhaps the stuff that's on the adult TV channels is little less open to marketing and dodgy niche interests.

But what I find worrying is, if he's got a real live woman upstairs in his bed, what's he doing downstairs w*nking to porn on a screen?

Quite frankly, you should be enough for him. How do you feel OP? Do you feel hurt? If so, you need to tell him that. The way you respond to this is important and will affect whether or not he normalises the porn as a way of life.

Just caught up on the bit about your DS - much as I respect SGB's opinions on most things I would say that's a bit of a red herring. Your DS's problems hasn't taken away DP's 'instrument' or anything else - you said yourself your sex life was absolutely fine.

If he's been reading a book about sex I wonder whether he's been on some kind of forum where someone's recommended this book. Have you considered asking him what made him get the book? Where he got the idea from?

Also, do you think you are becoming overly involved in DS's SN's? I've been there, you can get wrapped up in it all and see very little else around you - would that be a fair comment and if so would you be prepared to change that?

Oh FGS. There is nothing wrong with porn generally. As a happy, highly educated professional woman I enjoy watching porn a few times a month. Almost entirely for solo pleasure and I watch more than DH. He is totally fine with it. I'd recommend to anyone the female friendly section on Pornhub.

OP, have a friendly open chat with your OH. I'm sure he was not watching tiny women being gangbanged by dozens of elephant-like penises. The situation really doesn't need over analyzing. He was horny and probably didn't want to bother you as you were in discomfort. Have done the same myself when DH is ill.

On a related note, I also used to work for a short time as reception staff in a brothel (in a country where prostitution is legal) while finishing my masters. Every girl working there definitely seemed to enjoy their work. I should know because, if nothing else, I used to take the credit card terminals up to the rooms when customers wanted time extensions and it was, err, all on. All very willing participants, and my boss would never have had it any other way.

Sorry to disappoint those huffy types who have read cats-bum-mouth reports on the interwebs, but not everyone in the sex industry is in need of rescuing and pity by Guardian readers. Of course there are people who suffer abuse in this industry or are pushed into it for various reasons but you have no real evidence of the proportions. Everyone I met in the sex industry was deeply concerned about the vulnerable/abused being pushed into sex work.

Try getting face to face with porn and the sex industry YOURSELVES rather than making your mind up based on someone else's opinions.

You do realize that the sex industry is never going away, don't you?

Just read OP's updates. I'd defend your DP here. Sex is important. When my DH suffered from depression the number 2 thing I spent most time thinking about relationship-wise (after helping DH cope and recover) was how to get our sex life back on track.

Not everyone's sex drive just switches off in a time of difficulty. Don't be too hard on your DP.

I think what's important here is how OP feels about her DP watching porn while she's upstairs waiting for him and why he is doing it.

This is not the place for an argument about morals.

Have only skimmed through this thread, OP. My XP didn't tell me about his porn habit until I was completely in love with him; then tried to groom me into BDSM! Tried to understand but failed! Lost him eventually ... to a porn expert! Broke my heart! I hate porn!!!

If your partner does anything that makes you feel uneasy, whether it's wanking to porn or trainspotting, if it make you feel uneasy, it's an issue. If your partner refuses to acknowledge your feelings or tries to make out that YOU are the one who has the problem, that smacks of an over-inflated sense of entitlement.

In an equitable relationship, surely the two people check things out with each other, to make sure each feels okay about stuff they do. It should never be about one person feeling they just have to suck it up when the other does something they feel uncomfortable about.

It can be a form of emotional blackmail, and personally speaking, if that were going on in a relationship in any form, I'd be thinking pretty damn hard about whether it was worth getting such a crappy end of the stick.

Sorry OP but I do need to address something zara said.
Having worked in the sex industry I do know what I'm talking about and have been face to face with it.
It is run on the exploitation and objectification of women.
Once again, op, I apologise and I hope you and your dh get through this.

OP I really think you'd have had different responses from some posters if you'd reported back today that while you were coping with DS's special needs, your partner had turned to religion or mysticism to help him cope. The fact that it's porn or sex always skews responses it seems - and yet it shouldn't, apart from the fact that it might be having a negative impact on your own sexual needs.

What you're saying is that while you struggled to get as much information as you could about helping your son, your partner did none of that and worried instead about his own needs.

There's therefore nothing new in this and perhaps you'll now see it as a feminist issue, even though it seemed you didn't want a feminist perspective on your thread. Perhaps unwittingly, you've fallen into habits whereby you as the mother take the responsibility for your son's needs and doing all the legwork associated with it and your partner has sat back and let you take that responsibility.

I think you're right that this is a bigger issue that needs tackling and it reads like that issue is your partner's selfishness. He focuses on his personal needs and not your son's or yours. Your posts also suggest that he is using porn instead of sex with you, so your sexual needs are secondary to his.

I hope this helps you to re-define roles, responsibilities and expectations in your relationship because as Kritiq has said, it doesn't matter what the behaviour is. If it's causing other people in the family's needs to be neglected, it needs tackling. The 'it' could be porn, religion, compulsive hobbies or just general selfishness.

I'm reading the book and it's actually quite good, hopefully it will open up a meaningful dialogue between us.

Horsetowater, yes I have completely immersed myself in my ds needs to the exclusion of all else. It was a necessary requirement in the last year but now that things are looking up for him, I need to redress the balance. Life is so complicated sometimes...and relentless.

I think its your H who needs to be redressing the balance by putting in more effort and investing into your relationship so that you do not have to do everything.

The fact that he views personal needs as being more important is a red flag and you both need a serious talk about changing things so that everyone's needs are met.

While you're reading his book OP, is your partner reading up about SN then?

Surely that's an imbalance that needs to be redressed too?

Actually, he has come to understand how SN affects ds and in turn me. He didnt at first when I really needed him but it's quite common for one parent to dive headlong into it and the other to be in denial for a while. There wasn't time to wait for him to catch up, so I had to do it alone. Ds is doing much better now so it was worth it.

From reading the book, it's actually called "mating in captivity" dreadful title, I've realised that actually I'm not entirely happy with the erotic side of our relationship either, but we are coming at it from different angles. I have chosen to suck it up and find other things to fufill me. He has chosen to face it head on and try to do something about it.

Ironic really as that's what happened with the SN except we played different roles. I do recommend this book to anyone in a committed relationship who feels the erotic side has diminished as the relationship has become more stable.

We are pulling in different directions with different approaches but we both share the same objectives.

I think I have been overly defensive and that's fine as a form of protection but its not going to keep our relationship strong, it will only push is further apart. It's almost the easy route for me, as I don't have to think about how I'm contributing to our relationship, it puts the onus on him. It's going to take much more courage to worth through our relationship and make it stronger. Destroying it is easy.

When I say destroying it is easy, I meant for me, not for people in general...just thinking out loud...

Seeems you have moved on in your thoughts from the question further upthread, but for what it is worth I think there is no need to delve deeply into what was being watched any more than you would want to know exactly what someones fantasies are entirely. I choose to share some of mine and some not to share. I think porn comes into the same area. :)

Hope your other things improve now you have had the opportunity to discuss it. You sound like a good couple from the little said here.

"Every girl working there definitely seemed to enjoy their work. I should know because, if nothing else, I used to take the credit card terminals up to the rooms when customers wanted time extensions and it was, err, all on. All very willing participants, and my boss would never have had it any other way."

Well quite. Women who are being paid to pretend that they are enjoying their work, pretend to enjoy their work, otherwise they get sacked.

Do people really not know that? Really? How many clients do you think a prostituted woman would get if she said "OMG, you are really repulsive, please hurry up and get it over with, because I am dying here"?

Do you not know that women who are paid to service men, have to pretend to like those men and find them attractive and enjoy whatever it is they are doing with them, otherwise they will not get paid?

70% exiting with PTSD. They must have really enjoyed their work.

Thanks ginpalace, I hope so too :)

Just to make it clear, he is not using porn as a substitute for sex with me. He is using porn to feel erotic when he doesn't think I want me to be erotic with me. I indulge my fantasies too except I probably do it at the expense of our erotic time together as its easier than admitting that our sex life could play a bigger role in our relationship than it currently does.

Because that would mean having a long hard think about why it doesn't, which in turn can open up a whole can of worms.

How bloody patronising, Basil.