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Original poster

What are your views on porn?

155 replies

EclecticShock · 15/05/2012 19:25

Walked in on dp last night pleasuring himself and watching porn. I was a little taken aback as since I've known him, he has never alluded to the fact he watches porn while masturbating. To be honest, I haven't really thought about it too much before. His body, his mind etc. I always thought he probably masturabated but guess it became real last night. He was open about it. I've tried to not make a big deal out of it until I decide how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong I masturbate and read eroticism so no real difference there. I do it when he's not here though, he doesn't have that luxury as I'm generally always here so he waited until I went to bed. Fair enough.

I guess I'm now really intrigued to know what exactly he was watching as I didn't realise he was that into visual stuff, thought he was more of a thoughts person. Anyway, he wants to discuss it with me because he thinks I'm upset. I'm not upset as such just a bit shocked I suppose. God knows why, when my personal beliefs are that it's normal.

Our sex life is good. No worries there. My question is should I ask him in depth questions about it or should I just leave it as something that is private to him, that I don't really need to know? I think I might be quite judgemental if it's something I'm not into... Opinions please.

I'm also very nosy...

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WineGoggles · 16/05/2012 09:32

ES I think if you can resist asking him for details of what he was watching then do so. As another poster pointed out, how would you feel if you are a small breasted blonde (who perhaps wished you had bigger tits) and he said he was wanking over a busty brunette? Or if it was something that you found disgusting, would you see him in a different light? It could open up a can of worms. I?d be very curious to know though if it were my partner.

BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 09:44

Would someone please link me up for this information on the porn industry which opened your eyes?

Geniune request, that ^^ sounds like I'm being funny. I'm interested.

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/05/2012 09:46

Gail Dines is a good one:

gaildines.com/

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jul/02/gail-dines-pornography

badtasteflump · 16/05/2012 09:54

Putting the pro/anti porn debate, and my opinions on it, aside.

What strikes me is the fact that you and your DP have watched porn together before could lead him to assume (perfectly reasonably IMO) that you wouldn't mind him watching it on his own.

janelikesjam · 16/05/2012 10:11

This is what I think about pornography.

Pornography is when everything is exposed, nothing is sacred.

Although the welfare of the person portraying the pornography is a valid concern, I also think it harms the person watching it.

I think men who are overly interested in pornography have psychological problems or (ironically) have a sexual inferiority complex.

I think it creates sexual expectations in men of women that are unrealistic and disrespectful.

Soft porn I haven't got so much of a problem with - many young men with no sexual outlets will probably always gravitate to that to some extent (and some young women too).

Pornography has changed also. I think if you look at soft porn of the 50s say, women's breasts etc, women are portrayed as beautiful, and they also look totally real. Whereas women in today's porn just have to look totally laviscious, artificial, stupid or degraded in some way.

On reading MN, I have come to the conclusion you are either happy about it in a relationship, or the level it is at, or you are not. Its a completely personal decision. But because it can say more about values, it can be a significant issue. If I went out with a man, I would flag his attitude to porn as saying something important about him.

solidgoldbrass · 16/05/2012 14:31

A different view for those whose biggest concern about porn is that their partner might compare them negatively against porn performers.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 20:12

Has anyone else had a discussion with their dp about what they watch and why they like it? How did it go?

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BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 20:24

I haven't but I will do. Will report back. 10-4!

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 20:27

Thanks believe! I guess I am a little worried that he might be watching stuff that I deem to be degrading... Not because of anything he's done but just because men don't seem to put as much thought into it all... Would love to hear to from others who have discussed with with their partners :)

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Morello · 16/05/2012 20:27

I think you're wasting your time now Eclectic, you mentioned the 'P' word and now this thread will probably run and run with feminists piling in en mass to 'educate' us all. Happens every time.

My DH watches it occasionally, he finds it arousing, we watch together sometimes. I don't think there's any real need to have a discussion about it, I can't really see that it would serve a purpose. It's a personal thing, and I suppose I wouldn't take to kindly to DH asking me personal questions about why I found porn arousing, so that's why I would probably leave it be.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 20:28

Morello, that was my initial thoughts... I wonder of I'm overanalysing it now...

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 20:33

It's my curiosity which has always been an problem for me! I ask questions that I don't new the answers to, then I have a problem with them. I wouldn't tell him about all the erotic dreams I have so really why should I expect him to tell me his innermost fantasies... I'm a believer in personal space, we are individuals working together to make a family... I guess it's my insecurity that's getting the better of me. It's ridiculous really as in theory I am cool with it but actually seeing it has made me overanalyse it. Has anyone walked in on their partner watching porn? How did you handle it?

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Morello · 16/05/2012 20:41

It's easy to fall into the trap of overanalysing things, I do that sometimes and try to pull myself up on it when I notice myself doing it!

I think it has probably shocked you that although you probably knew he masturbated alone, you hadn't actually 'caught him' doing it before. That can sometimes knock your self-esteem for whatever reason. I'm saying this because I walked in on DH a couple of times, and my first thoughts (that I kept to myself btw!) were, am I not enough?

I know this is rubbish though, because I have masturbated plenty of times without him being present or knowing about it, and he IS enough. I just felt like doing it, that was all. The same goes for your DH.

Morello · 16/05/2012 20:45

To answer your question, 'how did you handle it'? I said 'Oops, sorry!', walked out, he followed me, apologising, I said 'Oh come on, everyone wanks', he said 'Oh, ok' and that was that.

I did mull it over though, as I said in my previous post, but I let it go. I made the right decision for me.

BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 20:46

My guess is he was on youporn or some such site watching an amateur couple at it. Wild guess.

I know my DH watches porn (occasionally) but goes for the quite vanilla stuff. He would probably say he is turned on by people having sex but doesn't want to watch anything I would deem to be extreme. And if I liked to watch the more extreme stuff he would be equally as disgusted in me. That's what I think he'll say anyway, but I will ask him.

BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 20:52

I know mine masturbates (without porn) and it doesn't bother me. If I can't be bothered to have sex I tell him to sort himself out. No idea what he thinks about to get himself off, not really bothered as I am not insecure about his feelings for me. He's probably thinking about me to be fair but i don't give it much thought. Maybe I should ask him that too. :o

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 20:57

That's the thing... It's probably my ego... He always alludes to the fact he masturbates about me. Walking in on him has made me realise he isn't completely thinking about me. So he may have been watching a bj and thinking of me doing it... I know I'm being insecure and silly as if you had asked me about how I felt about DH watching porn, I would have said fine until i saw it! :)

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BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 21:06

Just a question...tell me to piss off if it's too personal...you said he did it when you went to bed. Did you go to bed on an argument or were you fine? That's the only thing that doesn't sit right with me, that he did it while you were in the house. Mine usually watches it when he's bored and alone, it would bother me if I'd gone to bed and returned to find him at it alone iykwim? Unless he normally goes to bed later than you do.

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 21:10

We were fine...

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 21:11

I had gone to bed and was expecting him to appear, when he didn't I went downstairs to look for him.

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 21:12

He sometimes goes to bed later than me, but I assumed he was working!

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BelieveInPink · 16/05/2012 21:14

Hmm. Maybe it was a one off then.

Dropdeadfred · 16/05/2012 21:16

I don't understand porn
It's always seemed weird to me to watch other people having sex
I genuinely don't understand why, if you want sex, watching someone else having it is fun?

Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 21:44

Just spoke to him, apparently since ds and less sex, he's been looking at a book called sex in captivity! And watching couples and homemade videos. I'm annoyed that he made the effort to research sex but not other family issues we have been going though regarding ds. I'm pissed. I've been busting a gut trying to help ds and he had been focusing on his bloody sex life. Why is he so self centred. Watching a bit of porn I can understand. Theorising about it and pointing me in the direction of books about lack of sex in relationships I have a fucking problem with. The last year has been very difficult with SN regarding ds and I have spent every moment researching how to help him. He's been thinking about his cock. I'm annoyed at his response.

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Original poster
EclecticShock · 16/05/2012 21:46

It's disappointing how he didn't discuss any of this with me. So self centred.

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