Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So you saw the OW... what was she like?

105 replies

TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 17:46

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I just cannot believe I've actually seen her.

Blonde, a bit older, two kids same age gap as mine. Lives in a beautiful house in my home town, walked past it thousands of times when I was a kid. Two of my best friends still live on that road. I saw them in her garden as I walked past with them. They have no idea, I must have looked like I'd seen a ghost.

Why why why did I agree to go to the sodding park?! It's just brought it all back. Sad

And the worst thing is... she is very mediocre. Rather boring clothes and I am actually better looking. Ok that's petty but where else can I say it but here?!

Anyone else? What was yours like?

OP posts:
DavidDickinsonsTan · 15/05/2012 17:48

how recent was she ow?

Bluesue26 · 15/05/2012 17:55

I've seen this a few times where the affair partner, (male or female), just isn't as attractive as the spouse. I find that strange - if I was gonna cheat and throw my life down the pan the guy would have to be an absolute knockout. Saying that, it's not all about looks though is it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 15/05/2012 18:00

Mine was a dead ringer for Rebecca Front, only shorter and fatter! (His rediscovered childhood sweetheart so I think that trumped 'looks') I'm sure Ms Front is a lovely and talented person but I'm afraid, ever since, I've not been able to watch her on TV.

Original poster
TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 18:01

Last year. DH admitted who she was. She was a customer, I remembered the house as it was so specific but i never met her.

OP posts:
Abitwobblynow · 15/05/2012 18:07

No blue, it's about admiration. Can you believe it, it is all about ego strokes.

I know 'my' OW is more attractive than me. Very well groomed whilst I chase around kids, dogs, house.

But thats fine. I have integrity and I have never hurt so many people on the scale that she helped hurt, so selfishly and thoughtlessly.

Original poster
TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 18:25

Abitwobblynow I know that. All I mean is that I can't believe such an ordinary person was behind so much hurt.

OP posts:
Triffiddealer · 15/05/2012 18:48

Twenty - the OW wasn't behind the hurt - your DH was.

Lovingfreedom · 15/05/2012 18:54

I think it's quite common for OW to be less attractive. Remember this - actually it was my 'D'H who pointed this out to me - it's not just up to him to choose someone. A lot, if not most, women will say no when propositioned by a man, especially if they are married (ok not all by any means). These guys do not have the option of going off and shagging exactly who they want, they have to find someone who is willing to have sex with them. Not always that easy. Triffi is right though...try not to get hung up on the OW - it was your DH who let you down.

MadAboutHotChoc · 15/05/2012 18:58

My OW was blonde too, large and older than me - it was a shock for me but then I realised it is all about ego stroking attention. To be honest H would have shagged almost anyone who made him feel like a sex god Hmm

I agree that the focus should be on your H, the one who made those wedding vows and he made the choice to fuck her and to throw away what you both had built together, she didn't even know you.

romneymarsh · 15/05/2012 19:02

Hi Twenty that must have really hurt, it is still fairly new for you, a year is nothing in the grand scheme of recovery.

I am lucky in that they have moved a long way away. I have seen pictures of OW and apparently I met her once but I never really noticed her. She is a lot shorter than me, some would say prettier, I suppose we are complete opposites, but she is 26 years younger than him and apparently he was taken by how clever she is.

Two years on and I still hurt but I have recovered as much as I ever will do.

Original poster
TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 19:03

Triffid yes he was behind my hurt, but she did the same to her DH.

OP posts:
Triffiddealer · 15/05/2012 19:06

I don't want that to sound unsympathetic - just hard earned wisdom.

I was obsessed about the OW when I found out about my STBXH's affair, until I found out that she was one of many (this was a few years later)

I only know two of them - one in particular was shockingly unattractive. I'd been jealous of their relationship because of all the texting going on (STBXH told me I was paranoid, they were just mates, how unattractive jealousy was - all the script), but when I met her I remember thinking that there couldn't possibly be anything going on as she was sort of slack-jawed and flat footed and STBXH is shallow beyond belief. But as Lovingfreedom points out - cheaters aren't always that fussy.

Still, maybe some of the others were gorgeous beyond belief.

chocoraisin · 15/05/2012 19:06

google 'Honey they always affair down' if you feel like reading someone else vent on this issue. Made me smile anyway :) and I know it's my ex husband who is to blame for screwing over my marriage... but I don't think very highly of his OW either. Why should I? She's behaved just as selfishly - in my case, getting involved when she knew I was pg and had a toddler. I don't doubt my H is a selfish twunt of the highest order for going there, but she's not blameless for hopping into my marital bed now is she? OP you have my sympathy. I know what you mean about seeing a ghost. It's not fun. x

Original poster
TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 19:07

But I do agree wise MNers. He did this. Sad

OP posts:
BunnyLebowski · 15/05/2012 19:08

Not technically an OW but years and years ago when DP was going through a wobble we split up for a few months during which he had a 'thing' with a girl he worked with who I had told him was after him for months.

She was a short dumpy goth with a big old moon face, the hair of Nigel from The Young Ones and lesbian clothes. I'm Angelina fucking Jolie comparatively .

He came to his senses after a few weeks.

Abitwobblynow · 15/05/2012 19:10

My H said: 'if it wasn't her it would have been with somebody else'.

ie it was his choice, and she was stupid enough to be bowled over by his attentions.

I feel quite sorry for her. She got screwed as much as I did. But: she knew the situation, which I didn't, and she went along with it. For that small area she is responsible, in other words she made herself available knowing he was, actually, unavailable. She actively helped him lie and betray.

chocoraisin · 15/05/2012 19:17

mmm I agree with wobbly about the bit OW is responsible for. Much more sensitively put that me! LOL

WineGoggles · 15/05/2012 19:22

Did these OW know your husbands were married or were they lied to?

Triffiddealer · 15/05/2012 19:26

It's weird. I used to think really badly of women who had affairs with married men. Knowing the hurt it caused me (both the OW were married in my case - I was pregnant one time - OW knew - and the other OW knew me and pretended to be my friend) I couldn't understand why another woman would do that to someone else - I'm sure I couldn't.

But now I just don't care what other women do. There are lots of people in the world with different moral standards to me, one of my close friends has been OW for 4 years (apparently he's going to leave his wife this year!). Some women are naive, some are selfish and insecure and some are plain twisted - none of it matters. The only thing that matters in a relationship is whether the man you love and trust treats you with the respect you deserve.

Original poster
TwentyMinutes · 15/05/2012 19:26

I suppose that's how I feel. She knew the situation. She knew he was married, with a child, and she went for it. Low self esteem? The thrill of getting someone else's partner?

OP posts:
MikeLitoris · 15/05/2012 19:26

She is a dead ringer for Shirley on eastenders.

A vile and spiteful person who deserves everything she gets with xp.

chocoraisin · 15/05/2012 19:34

the OW in my case knew, she was shagging him him my house :( oh, and what triffid said. Hopefully my twunt radar is working a bit better now and I'll manage to avoid another shitty relationship!

dictionarydiva · 15/05/2012 19:34

I have mentioned this before on MN but I was someone's OW once, for quite a long time. I was younger and stupider then, but those factors aside I will still always stand up for the OW- I think it is very rare that they are the archetypal sex kitten stalking a married man, I know I was just so hopelessly stupidly in love that I would have done anything. I never even considered the wife. She was immaterial to me, I wasn't actively thinking "Haha got one over on her". If I ever thought anything it was that I was jealous of this older, more sophisticated woman who had his ring on her finger.

Now I am older and wiser and married myself I would, of course, want to chuck a brick at any woman who was sleeping with my husband. But I would know that was wrong because it would be Mr. Diva who was the absolute dickhead who had chosen to destroy our marriage, not her. And OW get a pretty shitty end of the deal too, just as the wives do... it's the husbands who are laughing at everyone and fucking everyone up, I would try and remember that, I hope.

MikeLitoris · 15/05/2012 19:45

I won't abuse you for that diva I'm sure that is true for a lot of ow out there but not mine.

She knew exactly what she was doing, tried her best to act like she was his dw and couldn't wait to see me so she drop the biggest hints ever. All while I was 7 months pg.

I have never met a more brazen person in my life.

That said, she was an utter bitch before he met ex so I shouldn't have expected less.

garlicfucker · 15/05/2012 19:46

H2: all similar to me - in different ways, but similar enough for other people to notice it. The one he married really looks a lot like me. This happens fairly often amongst my friends, to the extent where finding out OW looks like the DW merits an "oh dear, it's serious" reaction.

To give H1 some credit, his choices were varied in appearance. He did, however, cheat on his next wife with women who looked like me!

Mike, you've just described a particularly awful ex-friend of mine! She specialises in married men Angry If it was the same woman, you could rest assured he'd be in for a difficult life!