So you saw the OW... what was she like?

[TwentyMinutes]

I don't really know why I'm posting this. I just cannot believe I've actually seen her.

Blonde, a bit older, two kids same age gap as mine. Lives in a beautiful house in my home town, walked past it thousands of times when I was a kid. Two of my best friends still live on that road. I saw them in her garden as I walked past with them. They have no idea, I must have looked like I'd seen a ghost.

Why why why did I agree to go to the sodding park?! It's just brought it all back.

And the worst thing is... she is very mediocre. Rather boring clothes and I am actually better looking. Ok that's petty but where else can I say it but here?!

Anyone else? What was yours like?

Idea not linea

Ticktock that wasn't aimed at you by the way, but re women who have affairs with actual shagging involved iykwim.

LaMeuf its ok, I wouldn't have posted if I wasn't prepeared for a reply although I know yours wasn't aimed at me.

I do think about what would have happened if DP hadn't left his wife, would we have ended up having an affair? I really think I couldn't do that, I feel bad enough about what did happen and we technically didn't do anything 'wrong'. I love him more than anything in the world but it wouldn't have been true love, it can't be love if you can't admit what you are doing.

Not sure how you could have a good trusting relationship after having an affair. I trust my DP because he realised he was in love with someone else and did something about it straight away. If (godforbid) it happened again I know he would tell me.

chocoraisin I have just read your blog.

Thanks. Just thanks.

Plenty of surveys suggest that 30 or 405 of married people have had affairs, men and women.

Is there a typo there? Do you mean 30 in 405? Or 300 in 405?

When you say you've had affairs (plural), how many?

Kirsty. Oh go on, describe her! Im curious now

the "5" key is also the % key

so I think he means 30-40%

Oh i seeeeeeee!

LaMeuf I do think there is a difference between bad people and bad actions, as previously discussed. Also I don't think anyone believes the "my wife doesn't understand me" line, but if you're in love with someone anyway, I think you want to see the best in the them and the see the honourable side of what they're saying to you- even though in normal circumstances you would know it was absolute bollocks. That was my experience anyway- I was desperately in love with him, and he told me that he had never been in love in his entire life and that now he was in love with me. Also- I said I wouldn't sleep with him until the marriage was over, but that was definitely the grey area. I was just stupid and gave in to him eventually. I didn't really justify it to myself. I didn't like it. I felt trapped and sad more or less all the time. I probably had self esteem issues looking back and had decided that was all I was worth. The longer it went on, the less self esteem I had. And I did believe he loved me.

In fact these experiences did inform what I did later in life. Ten years later I was living with a man who I thought a lot of, but knew he wasn't the love of my life. Then my husband started at my work and it was literally love at first sight. After a week we went for a drink with a big group of us from work and sat and chatted all night, just to each other. Walking home I knew he was the one and that if I didn't do something I would end up having an affair, and I knew too that that was something I would never, ever do. I knew I could never do that to my partner, who didn't deserve it, and I knew too that I could never cast my husband as the "OW" in the scenerio, he didn't deserve that. That was on the Friday night. I left my partner on the Tuesday and by the end of the month me and my husband were together. Eighteen months later we got married. So it's not like I'm some morally dubious, serial cheat. Far from it. Observing and taking part in something so, so wrong made me understand how easily your keenly protected beliefs can go out of the window.

STBXH's 1st wife in my eyes was very beautiful. I use to stand up for her when he insulted her, during exchanges. (in our car)

His OW, was very unattractive and married too. She was 10 yrs older and no children. She obviously treated him like God's gift to women as he often thought of himself. She also had a wicked temper. She was quick to call me fat, even though I just had my DD 6 wks prior!

STBXH went back to his 1st wife....and only saw them together 2x... Didn't last.

Now, working on next partner. Who I haven't met... Don't really want to either...

DH's ow is 10 years older than both of us. She's mixed race as is he (significant?) with a nice enough face, a big arse and terrible dress sense. Hercfacebook pic suggested she was very gorgeous and glamorous but irl she is just ordinary.

hey twenty - thank you for reading it!! Feel the solidarity ((((hug)))) if you want to PM feel free to chat anytime, it always helps me to talk it out as well x

Thanks chocoraisin. Fab blog (((hug))) x

"Maybe to have married the 'wrong' person, or to have felt pressure to get married when they weren't ready/sure, or just to fall out of love with their partners. "

Yes, that is what my DH told himself/OW/me when he decided he had the right to make himself happy.

3 years later he is still here and won't get out of my house.

So what is your answer now, Jaybee? Why was I hurt so very badly, again?

I'm sorry wobbly, I don't really know what you're asking? Do you mean that if your dh told you all that he wasn't sure he married the right person and wasn't in love then why is he still living with you?

I just don't consider myself to be even remotely in a position to answer that so can only assume was entirely rhetorical. I am sorry you've been hurt so badly though, I'm not particularly defending infidelity but just saying it doesn't necessarily make someone a bad person.

Jaceybee doesn't it though? It means they are deceitful. It means they are untrustworthy. It means they are selfish. None of these seem like particularly pleasant attributes to me.

You can't group people into 'good' and 'bad' but there is no getting away from the fact that being unfaithful is a particularly execrable thing to do to someone.

Jaceybee, your question is the whole point.

You see, in your first point (saying well love happens etc., people marry the wrong people) you were kind of letting astonishingly bad behaviour off the hook, and you were kind of blaming the wife. So I got a little offended. You know, being made a bit responsible for something of all the 3 of us involved, I was the only one who knew nothing and it was happening behind my back, yet I am to blame???? Yes, that is what they told eachother to excuse what they wanted to do...

When in actual fact affairs have NOTHING to do with the marriage, and NOTHING to do with the wife.

They are about the character of the person choosing to have an affair. How logical is it, when you are feeling a bit miffed about [ ], to not say a word and go and develop a bond with a third party? If you think about it, that is very illogical. The point is, it is selfish, dishonourable and egotistical.

I mean, if someone is pissed off with their job, they don't keep the job and get a second one on the sly, do they?? Or, if they did it to their country (betrayed and gave away secrets) they used to get hanged!

So why is it 'OK' to do it to women and children, when it is absolutely wrong to do it to your boss or your country. Answer: because it is WRONG. No excuses.

Hear Hear LaMeuf and wobbly xx

I knew someone very well who was the OW to a married man. She was lovely, and very physically attractive. But he treated her badly too. Her life and her needs came way down the list, it was all about his angst and his dreadful dilemma. He claimed that it was because it was so awful to be so in love with someone when he was tied to his wife. But he certainly didn't treat her like someone who loved her.
:( for both women.

I was in no way blaming the wife for the husbands actions, sorry if it seemed that way. Even if he genuinely feels he shouldn't be married to her that doesn't put her at fault at all. I am merely saying that human behaviour/emotions isn't as black and white as to be able to be categorised as right/wrong, good/bad etc.

FWIW my dh had an EA last year with his best friends g/f. They are now together. I believe he is happier with her than he was with me, that they make more sense as a couple. I hang out with them sometimes and we are all completely fine, as are our 2 dcs. A year ago I would probably have had stronger views about infidelity and can certainly empathise with how painful it can be. But I don't believe my ex dh nor his 'OW' are bad people, they just got close. It happens. Didn't mean to offend anyone, my bad.

My H left me last year for OW 10 years younger than me. I imagined her to be this attractive, younger and above all a career woman (me before DC'S) although I still work in same industry that I did when I met him but with DC's my priorities have changed esp as STBXH career came before anything. So I spent the last year feeling old and un attractive (although I'm not that bad nearly 50, got an OK figure and people say I look younger) If he came to my door to pick BS up for football on Sat at 9am I would make sure my hair was done and I had my face on, I wanted to compete with the younger OW
. So imagine my suprise when I saw OW a couple of weeks ago she's very plain and frumpy and although she is only 40 she look older IMO.
I think the fact she had this high flying career is what he found attractive as I i think he thought I'd become the boring mum (who has always worked in a good sales rep job company car etc ) but work came 2nd to me after family and I supported him in his career. But now she's had a baby so we'll see how long it takes for the shine to fade. Both of them will want their careers to come before each others but someone has to put their DC 1st and also he has to consider my 2 DC'S.
So his dream of having the career woman in one home and family in another is shattered.

Wow Jaceybee, your strength and compassion is admirable! Big respect.

Thank you for your post. I wish I could let go the way you have. Had you fallen out of love a long time ago, for you to be so cool with it the way you are?

You might not be compatible, but he is very, very lucky to have chosen a woman (you) who could be so compassionate. Wow. You have given me a lot to think about. Our conversation must have been meant to be (and no I have NO alcohol in my system), its like I needed to hear that message.

Have only really seen OW in photos (I met her once or twice years ago but have no specific recollection of her).

We are similar in looks, though she is dark where I am blonde.

However, the little I have seen of her (on FB ), she comes across as pretty vacuous, so it appears he affaired down in terms of intellect at least.

It's still shit though.

My OW is a barmaid where xh had been drinking for years and she worked there for years so I knew her although only on "A glass of white wine please" terms.

She is older than me by 4 years with 2 divorces and 5 DC under her belt however I think she is attractive but nothing like me.

This can only come over as arrogant but to be honest she was and remains beneath my contempt and utterly irrelevant to me. Of course in the early months she was a kind of hate figure but it didnt take long to see she wasnt much to do with the demise of my poor marriage .

They are still together 2 and a half years later although I would say xh is still the same curmudgeon he always was so who knows if she makes him happy.

Wobbly what a beautiful post! Thank you so much for saying such lovely things, that really touched me.

"Had you fallen out of love a long time ago, for you to be so cool with it the way you are?"

If I am 100% honest with myself I think yes, maybe I had kind of fallen out of love with him before. When he left it was a massive shock and i was totally devastated, crying/begging him to come back etc. I was insanely jealous of her and the thought of them together made me crazy. So it's not like I was just 'oh, bye then' about it but really, when the dust had settled I pretty quickly realised that I actually preferred my life without him to what it had become.

He did start sleeping with her pretty soon after he left, within weeks I think but I only found this out recently. But then a few months later he wanted to come back and work at it but i said no. i knew then that we weren't right for each other, that I didn't love him enough to make him happy and that it would be better for me to let him go. We got together when I was 21 and had been with each other practically our whole adult lives and I think we had grown apart in a lot of ways. Maybe it's so painful for you because you just loved your dh more? I can imagine that if i was completely in love with someone it would hurt unbearably and be a different thing altogether.

Wobbly I promise you that you CAN be happy without him. You will meet someone else who adores you if that's what you want. It is a horrible feeling I know but time really does make it all better. I would NEVER have dreamt I'd be hanging out with them as her dp a year down the line yet here we all are. I'm really glad you have found this helpful, i am not stronger and more compassionate than you though, really I'm not. Lots of love.xxx